Depressed parents..,?

[Herodias]

Do any of you have a Mother or Father that was depressed? Did you feel like you had to fix it for them and try to make them happy?

[Turkish]

Yes, which is why I eventually ended up on coping and healing   

In addition to depression, it is BPD, PTSD, and auto-diagnoses of OCD and occasionally bulumia, the last one long after I moved away.

I never felt the need to build my mother's self esteem, but she had no problem taking pride in me publicly while splitting me behind closed doors. If she received praises of me, it probably validated that she was a good mother, as if I had nothing to do with that 

I was also Parentified in some ways.

I thought I could heal by leaving (on my 18th birthday), but "wherever you go, there you are," as they say. And so I ended up here as my uBPDx was leaving. I really thought I could make everything better for her, but that's not my job, just as I wasn't responsible for my mother all those years ago.

[steelwork]

In a word: yes. Depressed mother. It made me into a very compliant child, and later, someone who took perverse pride in being "low maintenance."

She's also an odd, self-abnegating kind of narcissist.

[Turkish]

 I'd describe myself as "low maintenànce" as well. Also "easy-going" and a "peacemaker." I was also too quiet for most of my life and felt it hard (unnecessary?) to stand up for myself. It took until middle age for the last two to change, but they have.

[Herodias]

I read that people with a depressed Mother end up being the people that try to make everyone happy and please people. I do this with my Mother. Yes, she is and always was depressed. I do things for her and buy her things- all to help her be happy! It never lasts. She was just asked what would make her happy. She said a dog. We told her that was not the best idea, since she can't really afford it... .so what does she do? Gets a dog! Now she is back to staying up all night and sleeping until noon. That didn't last but a week. My poor stepdad is coping the best he can. All this time I thought it was my father leaving and ignoring us, which may be part of it as well, but my Mom must be a huge factor in my patterns as well. It helps to be self aware. I just don't know what to do with this knowledge... .

[LilMe]

Yes, my mom suffers from severe depression.  Most of my childhood memories are of her lying in bed crying and then trying to shoot herself when I was 9.  I was also the oldest child.  She says I mothered the other children starting when I was still a toddler.  She is on several anti-depressants now and doing better.  I am definitely the caretaker/pleaser.

My and my brother's counselor both think my father is uNPD.  We are no contact with him now.  He was very controlling and manipulative.

Understanding my parents/childhood definitely helps me to understand why I am how I am.  The hard part is learning to deal with it!

[JerryRG]

Yes I did too

I remember consoling my mother after a bad night of fighting with my father. She would cry and say she had nothing to live for. I was around 5 my earliest memories. My twin sister seemed to just ignore mom and not get involved.

Yeah spent my whole life trying to make my parents happy

[freemanstrut]

Another member of the depressed mother squad reporting in.

[once removed]

I just don't know what to do with this knowledge... .

put it into practice in all areas of your life. develop and maintain boundaries. realize, and practice, the knowledge that our natural instincts and impulses are not always healthy, or helpful to us or others. theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to support people close to you. learn the communication skills to build empathy and trust, and to listen as opposed to giving advice or rescuing. strong boundaries will give you a better sense of how involved to be.

are you seeing a therapist?

[WoundedBibi]

I am certain my mother had a postnatal depression after I was born. All I remember is her being angry always. She never cried. Ever. Until her parents died when I was 9. I was so shocked by her grief I frantically looked for ways to make her feel better. I started dressing up in funny ways to make her laugh. And it worked. And then she went back to being angry and cold like before. What was wrong apart from the depression I haven't figured out yet.

My parents argued all the time.

My father tried to be away a lot when I was little. This week I read stuff on people with OCPD and realized it describes my dad to a T. He was very 'heavy' in his moods too and certainly showed signs of depression later in life.

Despite being the youngest I was the caretaker, the pleaser even if I could never please my mum, and to some degree my parents private miniature counselor.

Both my parents were severely traumatized as children so it is no wonder they developed depression or disorders. So did most of my mother's siblings and I'm not the only 'troubled one' of my generation. One of my cousins had BPD for sure and committed suicide last year and at least 5-7 of the other cousins have their issues or trouble dealing with life. And now I'm afraid it's spreading to the next generation as my brother's youngest daughter (14) has recently been diagnosed with an eating disorder and is just skin and bones. My brother is the epitome of calmness and balance and has been an excellent stay at home dad who I am sure has never acted to his girls as our parents did to us or in particular me. Maybe it is a genetic thing too...