Finally did it..

[Cazz787]

After a 30 year relationship with the exbp and the power of her denial bouncing between best friend, soul mate, lover, enemy, along with long lived years of abuse for me, I finally blocked her for the first time in my life.

It had to be done.

After I survived cancer and let her back in my life, I paid close attention, while being loving and always there for her. All the cycles were just the same. Idealization, absolutely adored and respected me. Abuse heading to the devaluation. Where I learned this time to stay away and stay quiet, and that always brought her back. What was once a living confusing passive aggressive nightmare grew into knowing how to handle her, and she was then predictable.

Before I went official NC she knew she hurt people but only thought it mattered if she loved them. She also knew I believed she was an untreated BP (she agrees with this, but decided to become a therapist instead of working on herself), she was sleeping with any and every person she could find on dating sites, while telling me about it. She was starting to give me jabs of abuse, playing covert games to keep control, pretending she didn't know my birthday, all the usual games to keep me under her thumb.

After an abundance of reading on this illness, I felt compassion for her and wanted to continue being her friend, but when the abuse was coming back and she took yet another road trip to anyone but me, while I was good enough for long conversations, something turned off in me. Right now I am living with guilt due to my sympathetic nature, but I know she is dangerous to my health and well being.

I see a happy ending on the horizon, just needing some encouragement from others so I don't cave again. Thanks  for reading. Wish you all well.

[Cazz787]

Birthday mention was such a bad example, I've been through hell and back.

I'll sign on back on to give a better description...

[lingering]

Consider yourself encouraged.  This was a great post.  She is cruel and selfish.  I picked up this little set of cards at a thrift shop in my new town.  The card I picked said "I love myself enough to leave all unkindnesses behind".  Yep.  I did that. 

My sponsor says even in the most unhealthy, destructive relationships, it hurts like a motherf*c!<er. 

Put up your pointy finger and punch the air as you say "I... .DESERVE... .BETTER!"

[snowmonkey]

Hi Cazz,

I don't know you, but I can say with all honesty and sincerity, that I am proud of you.

I can't imagine the pain and suffering that you have endured for 30 years, so to find the strength now to move forward in such a positive way is amazing.

If you can make this choice, then you my friend have the strength to do anything you choose. I wish you every success in staying strong and living a wonderful new life!

[Cazz787]

Lingering and SnowMonkey, I'm going to copy these and keep them.

They gave me the support I needed. This site is literally a life saver.

Very telling how we were damaged at one time in our growing years to be abused by these selfish walks of life and yet we feel guilty for making their self fulfilling prophecy a reality.

I hope we all can continue to be there for the other until the last stage of Freedom is a constant one.

Thanks again.

[steelwork]

That took a lot of courage, Cazz787. Bravo.

Very telling how we were damaged at one time in our growing years to be abused by these selfish walks of life and yet we feel guilty for making their self fulfilling prophecy a reality.

You summed up my last year of therapy! Where do I send the check?

[lingering]

Hi all,

How is it going Cazz?  Oh, that guilt is a butt kicker, eh?  I just have to let someone stronger than me be the helper.  I don't want to go back to that misery.  It is just so painful and soul-robbing. 

Screw Guilt!

[WoundedBibi]

Cazz787    It's okay to feel compassion from afar 

I'm not sure I feel guilty. Maybe a little for triggering some of his behaviour. Some of my reactions were definitely not right for a pwBPD knowing what I know now. But I knew nothing about BPD back then. Other than that I don't feel guilt. Besides, another reaction would probably have triggered him too maybe just a little further along in the relationship. Walking on eggshells for longer doesn't make a difference for the outcome. Could you explain what you feel guilty about and why? Just so I can understand 

[lingering]

Wow, great job Cazz787!  I love this part: 

After an abundance of reading on this illness, I felt compassion for her and wanted to continue being her friend, but when the abuse was coming back and she took yet another road trip to anyone but me, while I was good enough for long conversations, something turned off in me. Right now I am living with guilt due to my sympathetic nature, but I know she is dangerous to my health and well being.

I see a happy ending on the horizon, just needing some encouragement from others so I don't cave again. Thanks  for reading. Wish you all well.

I hear you on the guilt part.  It sucks but the pwBPD is not our problem.  And, as you recognize, being compassionate towards them, even being "friends" is dangerous.  I totally support you.  Stay strong.  She will find another person to victimize.  Good for you for refusing to let that be you once again!

[Cazz787]

Cazz787    It's okay to feel compassion from afar 

I'm not sure I feel guilty. Maybe a little for triggering some of his behaviour. Some of my reactions were definitely not right for a pwBPD knowing what I know now. But I knew nothing about BPD back then. Other than that I don't feel guilt. Besides, another reaction would probably have triggered him too maybe just a little further along in the relationship. Walking on eggshells for longer doesn't make a difference for the outcome. Could you explain what you feel guilty about and why? Just so I can understand 

I really appreciate everyones support. This site has been very therapeutic for us all it seems. (thankfully!)

Wounded Alibi, I'm sorry I hadn't seen this sooner. I will explain the best I can since I am still in NC but also living in the famous fog we all endure before I get to where my goal is; complete detachment with love.

I think I feel guilty from missing a serious huge pink elephant in every room I stood at her side with for 30 years. I feel guilty that I always knew deep down something was wrong with her, but my ego and immaturity had it assume something totally different. Guilt, from the fact that I handled every chaotic moment wrong, due to not understanding BPD. Hindsight has me shudder to how wrong I handled things. Guilt lives within me from opening her eyes to this disorder, her crying in gratitude then eventually leaving her. Not because I wanted to, or because I didn't love who she convinced me she was, but because she left me no choice. Right after gratitude came back the covert abuse. To save myself, I had to forfeit her.

So I'm coming to the realization the guilt is the self love deficit issue I have had ever since my child self was being abused. Now at this older age, I must make myself first, for my own sake.

[KarmasReal]

Cazz787,

How are you doing? You said you have had a 39 year relationship white a BPD? Is that marriage or dating? How old were you at the beginning and end? We're there children involved?

You say all the cycles were the same. What does that mean exactly? Time Leigh, what happened, etc?

How did she become predictable to you? I know some bod have a way of being unpredictable.

How long have you felt this way? Please feel free to answer quote by quote.

KarmasReal

[Cazz787]

Cazz787,

How are you doing? You said you have had a 39 year relationship white a BPD? Is that marriage or dating? How old were you at the beginning and end? We're there children involved?

Hi Karma, I am alright. I have good days and bad days.

As for my situation... .No children. No marriage.

It was a 30 year relationship that started as friends. We were in our 20s. One night she admitted (in tears) she had feelings for me. I told her it was a crush since we are both women. I simply thought she was confused. After she mirrored me and convinced me I was her soul mate we quickly escalated into a volatile, yet loving, in the hidden background love affair that made me definitely confused.

You say all the cycles were the same. What does that mean exactly? Time Leigh, what happened, etc?

The cycles were the same in the sense every four months she would become a covert abuser. When we would reconcile she was a kind, loving, funny, endearing person who treated me with respect, consideration that couldn't imagine life without me.

At the fourth month mark, she would always turn against me. Find fault in me, lie to me, triangulate me, test me, fight with me, compete with me, gaslight me. Accuse me of doing the very things she was doing to me. Then poof... a silent treatment would kick in that would stay that way until I made effort to prove I cared about her.

How did she become predictable to you? I know some bod have a way of being unpredictable.

The entire relationship she was predictable with growing angry, silent treatment, we reconcile (due to me), then she would blame me for why she would be silent. She always said she figured I didn't want to hear from her if I wasn't chasing her. But the rug was always inevitable to be pulled out from under me. So that part was predictable.

This past year was the first time she came to me when she would go silent because I finally hit the mark where I thought 'good. give me a silent treatment.' I grew to become accustomed and need a break.

She definitely didn't like the fact that I didn't care to figure out her angst anymore, help or solve her problems, and that I needed that usual trained silent treatment she always so predictably gave me.

After extensive reading, a therapist words that treated her, and a friendship that I developed on this board, I have discovered I endured and allowed all of it due to my abusive childhood with siblings. I became codependent. (The true meaning of codependency is a lack to love the self, poor boundaries.) I am extremely independent, like being alone, need my own space at times. The codependency was a general lack to love myself after conforming to find that love all through my childhood that I took into my adult years. Now that I know this and am working on healing from the abuse in my lifetime, I am ready to live the rest of my life free. I will always love who I thought she was and hope the best for her. Unfortunately she will never get to that true peaceful plateau of contentment and happiness until she gets therapy, so I had to walk away for good to save myself.

KarmasReal