NC vs making a move?

[KarmasReal]

Hey guys,

So I'm thinking about doing something and I probably should be talked out of it. There's two opposing overall thoughts that I'm having. The first is my emotional state right now, fairly depressed, no closure, missing my ex, feeling alone. The second is my memories, while faint for some reason, of the terrible feelings I had with my ex sometimes. The distrust, the anger, her cruel and flippant nature, how sometimes it seemed she cared nothing for me.

So this is where I'm at and I keep thinking in the back of my mind I should contact her. But then there's opposing reasons for me to do or not do that. Besides one text message we've been NC for 5 weeks, that text was me asking for some personal items from her, she responded she would rather not let me get my things? She wasn't happy with how we ended (although that was her doing) and to not text her. I responded anyway saying I would like my stuff and I didn't like the way we needed either we could talk and do things better. That was met with silence.

I'm not sure if she just doesn't care or I've severely trigger her abandonment issues. If she doesn't care I would feel like an idiot for trying to contact her, maybe push her further into hating me. If she is unhappy and wants kind words or me to reach out and I did it might make things better. I could even possibly email a type of closure letter and maybe, even if she didn't respond, it could help me. I really don't want her to think I'm thinking about her a lot, even though I am, so emailing or texting would give that away. We could be friends, we could end on good terms, I just feel the need to fix this, or is not doing anything a way to bring her around to reaching out to me? I don't know.

Thoughts and insights are really appreciated!

KarmasReal

[SoMadSoSad]

Does she have a replacement?

[once removed]

So this is where I'm at and I keep thinking in the back of my mind I should contact her. But then there's opposing reasons for me to do or not do that. Besides one text message we've been NC for 5 weeks, that text was me asking for some personal items from her, she responded she would rather not let me get my things? She wasn't happy with how we ended (although that was her doing) and to not text her. I responded anyway saying I would like my stuff and I didn't like the way we needed either we could talk and do things better. That was met with silence.

I'm not sure if she just doesn't care or I've severely trigger her abandonment issues. If she doesn't care I would feel like an idiot for trying to contact her, maybe push her further into hating me. If she is unhappy and wants kind words or me to reach out and I did it might make things better. I could even possibly email a type of closure letter and maybe, even if she didn't respond, it could help me. I really don't want her to think I'm thinking about her a lot, even though I am, so emailing or texting would give that away. We could be friends, we could end on good terms, I just feel the need to fix this, or is not doing anything a way to bring her around to reaching out to me? I don't know.

this is ruminating, and very common thinking. i say both without judgment, as you articulate pretty well what i went through. these feelings are likely to pass. whatever you do, i would give it some time, but i have a feeling youre feeling similar longing for instant gratification that i was. my mother reminded me at the time its not as if i had no control. i could contact her whenever i wanted. tomorrow, a month later, a year later. if she wants kind words she can reach out. the ball is in her court here and i get that that makes you want to know whats in her mind, and to reach out. perspective can be off at this stage - mine was.

it sounds to me like a sticking point is her words - "im not happy with how it ended". how did/do those words make you feel?

[KarmasReal]

SoMadSoSad,

Good question, I honestly have no idea. Here's all I know. Last time we broke up there was no real replacement I think there were a couple of hook ups on drunken nights but that's it. However, she's a pretty girl I'm sure guys who are unaware of her BPD actions will want to try to talk to her. She's pretty sexual 5 weeks is a while for no sex, if she didn't hold out I don't know if it was just a random or a replacement. And lastly my mother is still friends with her on Facebook. There's not been really any likes on her posts from new guys, at least not ones she would ever date. And there has been no likes I can find on guys photos posts from her. We live in cities 30 miles away and don't have any real mutual friends, so besides literally stalking her, that's all the info I have.

[Invictus01]

Your best move here is to let her be.  You are not in the position to fix this. You can't make her talk to you or respond to you. If you send a letter or an email, there is an excellent chance that you will get complete silence in return. That will only make you feel worse. I know in those first few weeks it feels like your mind is about to explode from thinking about all this every second. There is simply no move to fix that. The lady wants to be left alone. Be a gentleman, do just that, at least until you hear from her.

[KarmasReal]

Once removed,

You're right these feelings are likely to pass. They just aren't passing quickly enough haha. It's made it worse that my more recent or I guess rebound relationship has ended now after 6 weeks. I'm definitely longing for instant gratification, or at having some idea about how she's feeling, she's just such a contradiction, it's impossible to tell if she's happy or miserable! Yeah I guess what it comes down to is contacting her is literally the only control I have left. I don't want to beg for her back, I don't even know if I would be capable of it, maybe friends, maybe just seeing if she hates me or is making me the guy that broke her heart and made her miserable like her other exes. If the latter is the case and I reached out in a kind way maybe she would react positively. But I have this hypothesis about her, i think she literally wants her partner to hate her. Or be disgusted with her she has some masochistic thing about it, she would say and do things that were terrible and then want me to punish her. It was crazy. She still has a thing for her ex, who's moved on, and he talks terrible to her. So if she wants me to hate her and I reach out in a nice way that would make her mad and the only way she could come back and things would be okay is if she's the one who reaches out. It's so confusing.

That phrase "I'm not happy with how it ended". Is definitely a sticking point. Because I don't really know what it means. She's not happy that it ended abruptly and badly and thinks I'm an awful human being? She's not happy because she knows she did something awful and dealing with the guilt makes it worse? Or she's not happy because it ended at all and maybe it didn't have to or she didn't want it to? Although I figure if it's the last one she would have tried to be pleasant or reach out to me in the last 5 weeks. But then again this is my thought process not a disordered persons so who knows.

[sweet tooth]

I'mon pretty much exactly the same boat as you. Mine told me not to contact her anymore close to 3 months ago. I haven't, but I've wanted to every day. She also has something of mine, like yours does. It's not easy. Not at all.

Here's what I think, but I could be off base: they use your stuff as a way to engage you in the future. I read on A Shrink For Men that a common re-engagement tactic is to say, "I have some of your stuff."

[KarmasReal]

Invictus01,

I hear what you're saying and I've definitely been the most gentlemanly I can be dealing with my exBPD over our relationship. The main thing is that it ended so badly and abruptly I feel like, possibly, a nice email or text, would be the gentleman thing to do. There's just a huge black cloud from the ending of our relationship and it feels like it just taints our entire relationship. I hate that! As bad as it was sometimes I still had my heart and soul in it hoping, trying to make it work. Just some thoughts on your reply.

[KarmasReal]

Hey sweet tooth,

Sorry to hear your in the same boat, I knew how bad it sucks being here. I have heard it's a common re-engagement of having an exes stuff, not just with BPD but just exes in general. In fact me and my ex have broken up a few times only to reengage after a week or so by exchanging our stuff.

What I don't get is how could she use it as re engagement now? I asked for it after nearly a month and she said she would rather not? And to not text her? I also am pretty upset she said that too, like I was blowing her phone up and she couldn't handle it. I sent her a one sentence text message about my stuff after a month! Just seemed overly cold or dramatic to me. Anyway, so if I've already asked for it and she said no, who's she going to use it? Say "hey that stuff you wanted that I didn't give you, well you can have it now?" Doesn't make sense. Maybe in her mind it doesn't have to but, if she had wanted reengagement in the future I figure she could have been nice or at least civil about my request.

[sweet tooth]

Hey sweet tooth,

Sorry to hear your in the same boat, I knew how bad it sucks being here. I have heard it's a common re-engagement of having an exes stuff, not just with BPD but just exes in general. In fact me and my ex have broken up a few times only to reengage after a week or so by exchanging our stuff.

What I don't get is how could she use it as re engagement now? I asked for it after nearly a month and she said she would rather not? And to not text her? I also am pretty upset she said that too, like I was blowing her phone up and she couldn't handle it. I sent her a one sentence text message about my stuff after a month! Just seemed overly cold or dramatic to me. Anyway, so if I've already asked for it and she said no, who's she going to use it? Say "hey that stuff you wanted that I didn't give you, well you can have it now?" Doesn't make sense. Maybe in her mind it doesn't have to but, if she had wanted reengagement in the future I figure she could have been nice or at least civil about my request.

My BPD would routinely disappear and then "poof!" out of nowhere she would emerge as if nothing happened. I would text, and text, maybe call, then text again, and be ignored. Then "poof!" as if she spoke to me the day before, she'd say something like, "What's up, muscleman?" One time she randomly added me to an event on Facebook. Is it beyond the realm of possibility that this woman will text you about your stuff, ignoring the fact that you texted her awhile ago about the same stuff? They have a selective memory.

I feel your pain, man. This has been a more difficult and traumatizing experience than when I was sexually assaulted for a year and a half when I was a kid.

[once removed]

Once removed,

You're right these feelings are likely to pass. They just aren't passing quickly enough haha. It's made it worse that my more recent or I guess rebound relationship has ended now after 6 weeks. I'm definitely longing for instant gratification, or at having some idea about how she's feeling,

this is your way out KarmasReal. detaching is hard. delaying gratification, or learning to live without it, are hard. youre grasping at straws here (its the Bargaining stage of grief): you tried rebounding. youre trying to get in her head (impossible) and rationalize what was a clear message. you may follow through with attempts at contact - no one can stop you and sometimes we have to touch the stove a few times before we see that it burns.

the only way out is through. its painful. its excruciating. what is on the other side is worth it - i promise.

practicing this would be a good step: Radical Acceptance

[KarmasReal]

Sweet tooth,

Sorry to hear about all of your trauma it's very painful stuff I hope you're doing as best you can!

As for the routinely disappearing she never really did that to me, we were together for about 6 months the first time, pretty committed, we text, called or were together basically everyday. There were a few issues that came up but that's for a different post. Then we broke up, her idea, over the phone. It was a nice break up though, if there can be, with her telling me I was the right person, wrong time, she loved me, etc. I said we should go NC.

That lasted for about 6 weeks until she messaged me saying she missed me and blah, so we reconnected and got back together, from that text message on we were once again in a committed relationship for another 6 months, until her behavior became so bad, I used break ups as an ultimatum all the time. I said we should break up then we would do the exchange the stuff thing and we would get back together happened a couple of times but most only lasted a 10 days or less. This went back and forth for a couple of months finally things went good agin for February and March then her behavior and drinking got bad and we had this break up which I've talked about in other posts.

This one is different than the others, no still talking, no exchange of stuff, it's a complete shut off. She sometimes would be bad about texting but besides when we were In a break up mode I always heard from her so I don't know.

I mean her behavior this time isn't the same as I've ever seen so I don't know what that means. As for it being beyond the realm of possibility that she uses it anyways, I would have to say no it's possible. I guess I could see a, "if you really want your stuff you can get it, I was so sad about our break up I couldn't bear to see you." I guess that seems legit enough. But that's the only way I can think of.

[Puzzledpieces]

I know this debate your having really well! Apparently it's a normal one. When I'm feeling torn on reaching out, I journal it all down. because of the silence I receive, I get the same response writing and just throwing it out or typing it and deleting it. Sometimes it can help you get passed the feelings your feeling in that moment.

For me, I kept reminding myself that I COULD reach out to my ex, but not getting a response would hurt me all over again, and make me feel stupid so it's rare I follow through.

I know how you're feeling though, it's not pleasant. Detaching from someone is difficult.

I wish I had more advice. Please know that you are not alone

Hugs!

[KarmasReal]

Once removed,

I absolutely know you're right. Your advice has always been stellar and about accepting what is. All of the things I've been doing since that moment when we broke up were grasping at straws to not feel the pain and injustice of it all. I know the Dhali lama said that one secret of happiness is to know nothing in our life is permanent and accept it. And in the article Radical Acceptance, Dr. Linehan said that the acceptance can be explained because it is interior.

I've always had a difficult time with loss, especially a relationship loss, they hit me hard and I feel like it's end of my world every time it happens. This one is even worse because of how similar people we were and how confusing this whole relationship has been. It hurts not to understand, every other break up I've had I knew basically where the problems were and what I had done, it gave me something to work on in myself, but this one I have no idea what I could have done should have done, and I just plain miss my ex. Maybe I lack something in dealing with loss or acceptance and I don't know how to find it.

As for contacting her again, I'm trying so hard not to "touch the stove". More than likely it could stall my healing process, or make me look weak and needy, none of those sound good to me. I guess trying to get into her head and understand is the only recourse I have without actually trying to talk to her. Futile as you say.

I really need to find some things to take the place of the void of my relationship. Having too much alone time is not good and keeps me stuck. Friends and family are some distance away, she was most of my life for the past two years.

[KarmasReal]

Hey puzzledpieces,

Also good advice, I had a journal several years ago to get me through a break up, and I am the over analytical type so I'm sure I wouldn't be lacking for things to write. Thanks for the kind words, it always helps knowing others know what I'm going through. For now I'm staying strong and will continue to not make any contact!

[once removed]

I've always had a difficult time with loss, especially a relationship loss, they hit me hard and I feel like it's end of my world every time it happens. This one is even worse because of how similar people we were and how confusing this whole relationship has been. It hurts not to understand, every other break up I've had I knew basically where the problems were and what I had done, it gave me something to work on in myself, but this one I have no idea what I could have done should have done, and I just plain miss my ex. Maybe I lack something in dealing with loss or acceptance and I don't know how to find it.

i really feel your pain on this, KarmasReal  . i have my own heightened abandonment fears, and ive personally taken every breakup badly. i deal with death terribly, to the point that im not sure im willing to ever have another pet. i agree with you - this one is even worse because it involves an incredibly loaded and intense bond, one many of us question whether we will ever find again. it is hard(er) to understand because it involves a serious mental illness, one most of us had no awareness of, and the relationships often end inexplicably. it seems as if it challenges everything we know about people and the world, which is incredibly hard to reconcile. most of all: its okay to miss your ex. this is being true to yourself and your relationship, your mourning and grieving process. its okay to express it. i told someone that i missed my ex and was told that i probably just missed the companionship. i did miss the companionship. i had friends; "just" the companionship implied something ununique about the companion and the bond. and as if something was wrong with me missing any given companion, ya know?

As for contacting her again, I'm trying so hard not to "touch the stove". More than likely it could stall my healing process, or make me look weak and needy, none of those sound good to me. I guess trying to get into her head and understand is the only recourse I have without actually trying to talk to her. Futile as you say.

i said the same thing about peeking at my exes facebook. i did it until i had enough, and, not that i encourage it, you may as well. i think the thing that you have to remember is that she expressly requested not to text her again. you can rationalize around that all day long, and you might be right about any given theory, but i think at the end of the day, such a request must be treated and respected at face value. my hunch is that its in your best interest, and as you say, doing otherwise is unlikely to help your situation. i clung to that every day that i wanted to do the opposite, and i have no regrets.

i should correct or at least revise myself: trying to get into her head is not in and of itself futile. presumably at least part of why you are here is to learn about BPD. in my experience, there is tremendous value in learning about the disorder. i replayed the relationship probably hundreds of times in my head until my psyche caught up with me, and i settled on a version that sat well. learning about BPD informed that process and answered 99% of my unanswered questions. when i was going through it, however, my perspective of what was in her head, what she wanted or didnt want, was all over the place, and that belief that keeps us stuck, that my ex was experiencing this whole process the same way i was, was off. it took me a long time to understand the reality of this mental illness and that the whole thing was frankly bigger than me or my perspective or anything id known. when i managed to swallow that, the details were easier to digest.

mindfulness and radical acceptance were crucial to my recovery, as well as having some idea of what to expect, in terms of my own thoughts and feelings, and expecting that they would be all over the place (they were). i learned to step back from them, and sit with them, and observe them, and this lessened the urge to act on them, over time. when you touch a stove, or feel any other physical pain, there is often a very slight delay before that physical pain actually registers as physical pain. in that slight delay, you know its coming, and youre not surprised when it does. it still hurts, but you know it will pass. if youd never had a headache before, and you suddenly got one, it might be really scary, and you wouldnt know that it will pass. unique as the healing process is for everyone, there are many stages, many common struggles that members exiting these relationships go through, and to some extent, they are predictable. when i remind you that what you are experiencing is common, it is not to minimize what you are feeling, but to let you know that it is natural, normal (in this context) and will pass.

I really need to find some things to take the place of the void of my relationship. Having too much alone time is not good and keeps me stuck. Friends and family are some distance away, she was most of my life for the past two years.

when youre isolated its hard to do anything else, and when someone who was in your life for two years is abruptly no longer present, it does leave quite a void that is very hard to fill. my friends were within a few miles, but sadly missing in action, my sleep schedule turned upside down so it was hard to connect to anyone in any way at any time. you got some great advice from Puzzledpieces with regard to journaling. are you able to practice self care? is moving closer to friends and family in the cards at all?

[once removed]

i just wanted to add:

people that have particular difficulty dealing with loss tend to develop coping methods - many of them not healthy. the pain you are in now is your psyches way of telling you that these methods will no longer work. in order to heal from this pain, you must face it. this is the opportunity or silver lining many refer to when it comes to these relationships. you have it within you to overcome this, to heal, to go on to have healthier relationships, and to stop bumping up against this incredible pain.

that is what is on the other side, and that is what i mean when i say the only way out is through.

[WoundedBibi]

Whether to reach out or if waiting till she does both boil down to the same thing: "what is the best strategy to get her back?"

As has been said it is natural after a relationship with a pwBPD to question everything, to ruminate, to be in pain, to long for the good times.

But the more you learn about BPD the more you will realise there is a high price to pay if you do get back together. The price is pain.

Because in being with someone with a PD (whether in a relationship or as just friends) there will be crazy making behaviour (ghosting, silent treatment, gas lighting, punishing you for perceived slights, and so on) you will question yourself and everything all the time and feel insecure because of it, all and any old wounds you have (abandonment, difficulty in being happy being alone, difficulty in making friends, feeling this is the best you can ever expect to do, feeling unworthy, whatever it is for you) will be ripped open and salt will be rubbed in on a regular basis.

The pwBPD is in serious serious mental agony. And because of it there is little to zero room for your wants, needs or emotions. They cannot take your wants, needs or emotions into account; they are filled up with their own emotional vortex 24/7. The pain you feel now, multiply it by at least a factor 10 and imagine feeling like that always. No breaks. Ever. Little sleep, serious nightmares that they have trouble distinguishing from reality, and when awake everyone always seems to be out to get you and you can't stop this internal roller coaster either. Unless you drink. Or do drugs. Or sedate yourself in some other way.

So even if you would be just friends, it will be one sided. Her needs and wants over yours. Contact when she wants to, not when you want to (no one here, and I seriously mean no one here, save one who accepted the crumbs she could get, who has tried to be friends with a pwBPD has managed to do so because of the selfishness and or the attempts at recycling). Is a one sided friendship the kind of friendship you want? And be honest, right now it isn't friendship you want at all. You want to get back together.

But her behaviour will not change. Her need to sedate will not go away. Everything you did not like about her behaviour in the past will be there in the future.

A relationship with a pwBPD confronts you with yourself and your wounds like no one and nothing has ever done before. Take advantage from that. Learn to handle the urge for instant gratification instead of giving into it, learn how to be happy just being you without getting your sense of self worth from an external source. Look at why you are willing to accept being in relationship where someone does not treat you or themselves with respect. Learn and grow. Go forward, not back.

[DazedD23]

I'mon pretty much exactly the same boat as you. Mine told me not to contact her anymore close to 3 months ago. I haven't, but I've wanted to every day. She also has something of mine, like yours does. It's not easy. Not at all.

Here's what I think, but I could be off base: they use your stuff as a way to engage you in the future. I read on A Shrink For Men that a common re-engagement tactic is to say, "I have some of your stuff."

I'm safe then, as my ex took my stuff to the local tip after a row a few days after she split up with me

[WoundedBibi]

Oh, and my thoughts on why she would rather not give you your stuff back: exchanging your stuff in the past led to you two getting back together. I think she does not want that right now and so does not want to meet up to exchange things.

[C.Stein]

I've always had a difficult time with loss, especially a relationship loss, they hit me hard and I feel like it's end of my world every time it happens.

The sense/feeling of failure can crush you in every way, even if you aren't the one who was largely responsible for the failed relationship.  Add in rejection and blame by the ex and you find yourself in a pit of darkness you will do almost anything to get out of. 

This was me ... .this is you now. 

You will find a way out, but only if you face and accept the pain and try to learn something from it.  There is no easy way through this except to put your head down, dig in and weather the storm.  I will lessen with time even if it seems it never will.

[KarmasReal]

Once removed

With regard to practicing self care, I'm doing an extremely poor job right now. The only positive things I do, are post here, go to work, and drag myself to the gym. If I were to be honest, and I feel I can be here, my coping and trying to fill the void in my life has been pretty unhealthy. I smoke and drink alcohol when I'm alone. Due to the nature of my job I have to keep both a secret. I've had a bit too much free time since the break up and I've been filling it with unhealthy vices.

Moving may be in the cards for me sometime soon, but at least several months down the road. So until then I will be here. It seems making her illness and her one and the same have been hard for me. I abstractly understand BPD but I knew a person. Once I'm able to see them both as one and the same I think my healing will begin. Thanks for everything.

[KarmasReal]

Woundedbibi,

What are you inside my mind? Haha, all jokes aside I guess, yes, a large part of me wants her back, and I don't understand all the reasons why that is. I guess in my mind I've always been able to handle pain, never been able to handle loneliness.

You describe their mental agony well. I've seen it firsthand in her, sometimes she would say why, many times I could just read it in her. And yes she definitely sedated, she drank more than any person I've ever known, including me in my party days, which was a lot.

Yes I know there's no real friendship that can be had. I guess it would be either me wanting her back or at least a good end to the relationship with no animosity. Blocking her and our anger or feelings of betrayal leave a bad taste in my mouth and I would love for us to not end like that.

I know what you mean in your last paragraph I always seek validation from outside sources, I have since I can remember, this relationship has brought all those wounds to bear, as you say.

As for your second post, yes getting stuff back, usually led to us getting back together but it doesn't necessarily always have to be like that. Whether she does, doesn't, or might in the future doesn't change the fact it could have been handled in some civil manner. She has no reason to be angry with me, I loved her and was there for her our entire relationship. Why I can't get an ounce of respect even at the end when she's done these terrible things to me, is confounding and hurtful. Plus if she never ends up wanting to see me again, then all my things are just there and I will never have them. Just feels messed up all around to me. But thanks for you awesome insights!

[Herodias]

I made the mistake of contacting mine and got shot down, because mine had someone new... .I was devastated, but I did what I had to do for me. You will get over it if that happens... .It's your call.

[sweet tooth]

She has no reason to be angry with me, I loved her and was there for her our entire relationship. Why I can't get an ounce of respect even at the end when she's done these terrible things to me, is confounding and hurtful. Plus if she never ends up wanting to see me again, then all my things are just there and I will never have them. Just feels messed up all around to me.

You feel the same way I do.

[once removed]

Once removed

With regard to practicing self care, I'm doing an extremely poor job right now. The only positive things I do, are post here, go to work, and drag myself to the gym. If I were to be honest, and I feel I can be here, my coping and trying to fill the void in my life has been pretty unhealthy. I smoke and drink alcohol when I'm alone. Due to the nature of my job I have to keep both a secret. I've had a bit too much free time since the break up and I've been filling it with unhealthy vices.

Moving may be in the cards for me sometime soon, but at least several months down the road. So until then I will be here. It seems making her illness and her one and the same have been hard for me. I abstractly understand BPD but I knew a person. Once I'm able to see them both as one and the same I think my healing will begin. Thanks for everything.

honestly karmasreal, i dont blame you. the isolation is just unbearable. i really feel for you. i had some unhealthy vices myself, and i felt shame over it at the same time, which made things worse. i dont need to tell you that substance abuse will also make the pain worse, and fuel itself. that, and having to hide it, tend to feed feelings of isolation.

forgive me if ive asked already, have you considered seeing a therapist? or a doctor? those are great examples of self care. it sounds like you may be experiencing depression.

does this sound like what you are experiencing?:    

Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

if there is a silver lining, i feel in some ways the isolation made me stronger in the long run, however being isolated is not a healthy situation, and there are ways, even small ways it can be alleviated. having a support group like bpdfamily is one. you might even consider playing video games online with others. a sense of connection is important here.

[KarmasReal]

Hey again onceremoved,

It's very never ending cycle of I am depressed I use u healthy coping to deal, that makes me even more deressed, thus leading me into isolation.

Honestly I am depressed. I know I am. I was prescribed anti-depressants before after a break up. But I came out of it. This hurts worse than that one ever did, even though that was my first love. It hurts because as we know BPD can endear themselves so much into your psyche. I am seeing a therapist, licensed social worker though, I'm nosy sure she is equipped to understand BPD and relationships in that way. She is close to my age and very nice, but she seems to think this should be easy for me to deal with as all others that don't understand BPD relationships.

I do try to have some social interactions to alleviate the isolation, however this is mostly going to bars white my friends, it generally ends up making me feel worse as I'm 8-10 years older than these people. There's a big disconnect and I just end up feeling sad and missing my ex more even though I'm going out to try to find a way not to.

[DazedD23]

Mate the great thing is you are recognising the destructive patterns of behaviour that you are turning to such as drinking the pain away but as you know once you sober up the pain returns ten fold and if it's not doing its job and your thinking of her whilst getting drunk then I think you know it's not healthy.

I've been smoking weed, which I foolishly think helps me but in essence I know it makes things so much worse as I start other thinking and projecting things so I have tried to now cut back and just have a few before bed to help me sleep. I was already on anti depressants from the first split I went through with my ex. I've sensed I've become more depressed this time as its really over and this has hit me harder than anything I've gone through. I went to see my GP and as a result I had an increase in dosage. That's helped me no end and I feel a slight boost in myself needed to get up and get on. The world of pain is still there and my head is spinning out still but I feel a little better and not so inclined to sit on my arse doing nothing. I've also tried making sure I get some exercise in even if it's just a walk as well as trying to eat something to keep my energy levels up. I fall apart when this stuff happens and the first thing I do is neglect myself and it takes time for me to come out of that.

I'm isolating as well. I feel inferior in the outside world at the moment so I try contacting people over the phone and level with close friends where I am at as well as linking in with these pages. I have no firm way of knowing what to do or how to change things but I try recognising the self care things I do for myself. Just little things, like tidying up, doing the washing, having a shower, eating and yesterday I chalked these things up and was like, oh check me out looking after myself, maybe I'm not as useless and crap as I'm making myself feel.

[sweet tooth]

I've always had a difficult time with loss, especially a relationship loss, they hit me hard and I feel like it's end of my world every time it happens.

The sense/feeling of failure can crush you in every way, even if you aren't the one who was largely responsible for the failed relationship.  Add in rejection and blame by the ex and you find yourself in a pit of darkness you will do almost anything to get out of. 

This was me ... .this is you now. 

You will find a way out, but only if you face and accept the pain and try to learn something from it.  There is no easy way through this except to put your head down, dig in and weather the storm.  I will lessen with time even if it seems it never will.

Thanks for the encourage, C. Stein. I also have a very hard time with relationship loss. I'm so preoccupied with my ex that I'm even having dreams about her.