Anyone else having trouble being motivated to stay present?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I feel so disconnected.  It is hard to stay grounded.  Honestly, part of the issue is just not wanting to be grounded.  This feels very conflicting to me.

I wonder if anyone else has the knowledge, resources and such to do some grounding work but really has no interest in getting grounded?

[Sunfl0wer]

I feel so disconnected.  It is hard to stay grounded.  Honestly, part of the issue is just not wanting to be grounded.  This feels very conflicting to me.

I wonder if anyone else has the knowledge, resources and such to do some grounding work but really has no interest in getting grounded?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sunflower,

I am unsure why you are opposed to getting grounded.

Maybe you could elaborate on what you meant by "getting grounded"?

When you say you feel "disconnected," do you mean disconnected from others, or disconnected from yourself and your feelings?

Needless to say, you seem conflicted.

LuckyJim

[HurtinNW]

This is interesting. I was telling my therapist yesterday how since the break up I have these waves of unreality. It is like feeling untethered, like I am not quite present. Or that the world feels wrong.

Is this what you are talking about?

My counselor says it is very normal, an after effect of trauma. I'm not dissociating. I know what that is like. I am just overwhelmed and unable to be present all the time with my emotions. A lot has happened since he broke up with me, too, and I am feeling just plain overwhelmed.

[Herodias]

Yes... .I have days where I just feel like I can't accomplish anything other than going to work. I feel tired and I feel like I am just "floating" through life. I do not feel very connected to anyone since I am so afraid of new people. I guess this is where the disassociation comes in. I feel like his illness rubbed off on me in some ways... .I feel like I am disconnected from the life I had with him-  I am not the person I used to be before him and I am not sure who I am becoming... .does that make sense?

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks guys for replying.  I am sure what I am about to say is just TMI and more than most people want to hear.  I did try to frame my question more for this site, but, idk, I will say TMI now... .

I am discovering, I likely have DID (meaning multiple personalities, yes, this is a damn shock to me, just had this realization this WEEK! And am in treatment with excellent therapist who specializes in such!). (Please do not reply to me with sympathies and advice for DID as I could care less, I am not the host, and this is not new to ME exactly! I see it kind of odd she hasn't figured this stuff out by now!)

It is hard to post here as depending on what is happening for me, a different alter will post.  I am ashamed to say that some posts may appear antagonistic, or out of character in some way.  That is because I have "Others" within me.  I know I did post on Herodias from an antagonistic alter at least once, I am sorry!

Atm, the front person who usually filters this sh*t out is not up front, so I am going to say what the heck I please!

The front person makes sure all is ok between "Us" and "the World" and, I honestly am sick of her doing that crap!

I honestly do not know all the people within this system, not even myself exactly.  This is likely way inappropriate for this place, yet who the f*ck cares?

Lucky Jim:

So yea! I don't want to be damn grounded because this crap of her pulling this psychotherapy crap on us just serves to keep us all boxed and contained and out of the public eye! Thank goodness I found this window of her being off guard atm! That RARELY damn happens!  Infuriating that she controls all this ___!

Apparently, I am an angry one and would like to see someone damn shocked at my behavior cause I'm sick of all these rules on appearing to be the "ANP" when she is NOT ANP, we f*cking created that sh*t, so idk why she goes around acting like the "ANP!" What a joke! (ANP=apparently normal person)

Honestly, for someone to be pissed at this, shocked, or wven to be removed, would actually be validating cause I am damn pissed and want to be heard, she is NEVER pissed! Not enough at least!

HurtingNW:

WOW! You triggered something! Tethering is a concept I thought we created!  Yes, this IS exactly what I mean.  Part of our attachment to the ex is the fact that it seemed to stabilize the entire system and brought about a consistent expression of alters.  Since he is no longer, we are all flopping in the wind with no compass to where we are or where we are going!

However, amazingly... .Since our system has somewhat been "outed" and our ANP is somewhat aware in her limited ignorance... .She and the rest of us actually feel less lonely!  We have each other!  This is a nice thing!  Sorry if I offered something so damn off the wall you cannot relate.  Even though I appear pissed off at the world, I actually do not mean u or any others any harm.  We are all the same, all same wants, needs, pains, and such!  I am not really hateful, just scorned and lashing out at our main host.

Herodias:

Thank u for ur kindness replying even tho part of her replied to you from a frustrated place.  We see something in you that is familiar to all, and we wish so much for progress of all to happen at warp speeds and are angry when it is not so, which, uh, well, is quite often!

We all soo relate to feeling like work is such a huge burden! FLOATING!  So so so so so afraid of even familiar people since she became so defragmented, and certainly afraid of new ones!

YES! You make complete sense! Ok, so you likely do not feel this on such an extreme level, but I think it applies... .(So not meaning to at all seem invalidating) but i just KNOW! That he brought out a wonderful alter in me that now feels like she died!  Even when things were bad, that alter fought, had tenacity, strength, and other skills that I miss so so so so dearly!    We now all have hope to relocate her.  She must be here somewhere, we are pleased at that thought.

Tbh, now that I found Others within my system, oddest feeling overcame me... .I no longer want for him!  I must be somewhat in touch with, or at least know she is not dead to never resurrect again... .That lovely, sexy, confident, clever, cheeky, silly, etc... .alter that presented the best "self" she could to love him with!  Ugh! I know those who do not have alters, feel the same!

I hope that you all can relate and even thought you may not have alters or such... .see that this, like all other things... .is a spectrum of stuff and you may relate.

Some parts of me are tempted to caste other parts off as disfigured and just obscene.  I am trying to convince us to embrace our ugly parts and love on them all! Wish me luck!

Thank u guys!

This was an EXTREMELY hard post!  For everyone!

[Herodias]

Sunflower, that was a very hard post to write I am sure. I hope the "others" won't be upset with you later! No, I don't think your feelings are quite the same as what I was feeling, but I can see it being similar. I am sorry your alter that you enjoyed so much is gone ... .I suppose this person could come back if approached by another relationship one day? I can understand in a way, because I feel like the person I was when I was in-love is gone. I am hopeful that one day it will be there for me again. I am glad you are figuring this out about yourself. It will be a difficult process. Don't apologize for what you advise people, you are just coming from a different place each time. I think we all feel different at different times, depending in the circumstances of the day and time. I do wish you luck in learning to love yourself. That is what we are all trying to do here as well.  Take care... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Sun-

It makes sense that someone who experiences fragmented identities would feel ungrounded, totally understandable.  And the solution would be to integrate those identities into one multidimensional identity, one 'self', how to do that, I don't know, I have no experience with that beyond I can feel like a different person sometimes, depending on context, mood and emotional state, but I don't ever consider it a fragmented identity, more of a shtty day or whatever.

But I do know how to get grounded.  Happiness is created by progress.  Not change mind you, change is automatic, progress is not.  So it's very helpful to create a vision for an empowered future, the life of you dreams; what does that look like?  And no screwing around, really, really go there, with anticipation and excitement and the belief that it is entirely possible and in your control.  And once you've got that vision make it big and bright, or maybe it's more of a feeling for you if you're more kinesthetic, in which case make it feel amazing, either of which will make your future compelling and pull you towards it, and then take one step in that direction.  And then another.  And it may be purely on faith at first, but after a while you'll notice progress, which will build momentum, and before you know it you'll look back and be amazed how far you've come.  And you won't realize it at first because you're not focusing on where you've been, you're focusing on where you're going and instead of trying to 'achieve' happiness, you're just happily achieving, because you're making progress.

And then there's the physical side: eat a clean diet, hydrate enough, get enough sleep, get enough, but not too much, exercise, limit or eliminate booze, caffeine, and nicotine.  And consciously control what you focus on, and include things like gratitude; ever notice that you can't be angry when you're being grateful?  And you can't be afraid when you're being grateful?  Try it, it's impossible.

OK enough.  And the point is all of the above are actions and things you can control.  Most of us felt out of control in our relationships, adrift at sea, walking on eggshells, reactive, whatever, and part of taking our lives back, our power back, is to take control of them, and the way to take control is with positive actions that support us on the way to our empowered future.  It's a choice, available to all of us.  Take care of you!

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey guys,

Thank you for your replies.  It is really hard for me to read my own last post because I feel so removed from that side of myself. (Does not feel like current me) I imagine that anger is an interesting emotion that is not easily accepted by others, therefore I especially appeciate some venting and not feeling rejected for it. Thanks for this.

Sunflower, that was a very hard post to write I am sure. I hope the "others" won't be upset with you later!

Well, whoever wrote that is somewhere removed now.  No one is upset that I can sense.  The general concensus around here is that most want to be "outed" and anything in that direction is a relief to the systems distress levels.

No, I don't think your feelings are quite the same as what I was feeling, but I can see it being similar. I am sorry your alter that you enjoyed so much is gone ... .I suppose this person could come back if approached by another relationship one day?

Alters do not die or leave permanently even though it may appear that way.  They can go dormant and hide very well for many years though.  I am comforted by that thought of finding parts of my inner system that I have lost touch with.

I can feel their presense and appreciation though in a sense when they are mentioned.  Thank you for acknowledging.

I can understand in a way, because I feel like the person I was when I was in-love is gone. I am hopeful that one day it will be there for me again. I am glad you are figuring this out about yourself. It will be a difficult process. Don't apologize for what you advise people, you are just coming from a different place each time. I think we all feel different at different times, depending in the circumstances of the day and time. I do wish you luck in learning to love yourself. That is what we are all trying to do here as well.  Take care... .

Yes, this is very much about learning to love all parts of me! 

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply fromheeltoheal!

Hey Sun-

It makes sense that someone who experiences fragmented identities would feel ungrounded, totally understandable.  And the solution would be to integrate those identities into one multidimensional identity, one 'self', how to do that, I don't know, I have no experience with that beyond I can feel like a different person sometimes, depending on context, mood and emotional state, but I don't ever consider it a fragmented identity, more of a shtty day or whatever.

Well the treatment course/progression for me will be:

1. Stabilize the system

2. Process trauma memories

3. Integration (system working in cooperative manner)

But I do know how to get grounded.  Happiness is created by progress.  Not change mind you, change is automatic, progress is not.  So it's very helpful to create a vision for an empowered future, the life of you dreams; what does that look like?  

Much of this does not feel true to me.  I do not tie progress to happiness.  I feel I can be happy with sameness, with progress, and all kinds of states similar.  I tie it with perspective and how we view things.  I rather think in terms of contentness than happiness.  This feels more true to me personally.

A vision of an empowered future also does not feel true to me.  Well, because part of staying grounded is being in the present.  

Also, without a system that is working in a cooperative fashion atm, well, we all have different hopes inside me, wants, needs.  We all want to be heard and recognized.  So creating a vision of what One wants could really make others feel left out.  

Lastly, in general, most of us believe that hoping for a future outcome is actually a hinderance to a persons contentness as it is a form of grasping for what we do not have and looking to external forces/ideas to hope for inner contentment when in actuality, that is within right now and to gain greater access to that contentment we would do well in releasing ourself from expectations.

And then there's the physical side: eat a clean diet, hydrate enough, get enough sleep, get enough, but not too much, exercise, limit or eliminate booze, caffeine, and nicotine.  And consciously control what you focus on, and include things like gratitude; ever notice that you can't be angry when you're being grateful?  And you can't be afraid when you're being grateful?  Try it, it's impossible.

There is certainly room for working on these things.  We can exercise more, drink less and make a few minor dietary changes.  We are forgetful, we try to create systems but are so forgetful.  I am sure as we stabilize and more through therapy this will come a bit easier.  And the reminder here may be helps too, we do have a gratitude journal that has not been used,  I do recall a great sense when it has been used, I agree! . Haha, but there are many of us feeling all kinds of stuff at once, , we actually CAN feel fear and gratitude at same time and any mix!

OK enough.  And the point is all of the above are actions and things you can control.  Most of us felt out of control in our relationships, adrift at sea, walking on eggshells, reactive, whatever, and part of taking our lives back, our power back, is to take control of them, and the way to take control is with positive actions that support us on the way to our empowered future.  It's a choice, available to all of us.  Take care of you!

I appreciate hearing this, it feels validating and while some may not have experiences we do, the sense of feeling in pieces, or not in control, reactive, etc are all just familiar human experiences.

Our therapist had us get the book: Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation

It apparently is used as a handbook for the treatment of DID in either group or 1-1 sessions.  I bought the kindle version, have a notebook for taking notes and doing the homework section.

I also keep a notebook for the Others to communicate, and I feel I may need a seperate one for "The Front People."

I believe initial destabilization was needed to happen in order for us to effectively reveal ourselves to our host person.  I want to say this so that she can hear me write it and know that this is normal, we just needed to give her enough proof so she could not stuff us away and L dragged her to therapy because if you asked Her, she would tell you all is fine, but really its all the protection stuff we have in place that prevents her from awareness of everything happening within the system.

It was ok that she felt in pieces.  We are all part of this and already some of us do work together already.

[fromheeltoheal]

But I do know how to get grounded.  Happiness is created by progress.  Not change mind you, change is automatic, progress is not.  So it's very helpful to create a vision for an empowered future, the life of you dreams; what does that look like?  

Much of this does not feel true to me.  I do not tie progress to happiness.  I feel I can be happy with sameness, with progress, and all kinds of states similar.  I tie it with perspective and how we view things.  I rather think in terms of contentness than happiness.  This feels more true to me personally.

A vision of an empowered future also does not feel true to me.  Well, because part of staying grounded is being in the present.  

Yes, 'happiness' is a kind of shorthand, and really a poor goal anyway, contentment and fulfillment are more accurate.  It's about handling the timeframes, past, present and future: if we've made peace with the past, have a compelling future that gives us direction, and can live in our bodies at peace in the present, we can feel content and fulfilled, and grounded.

Also, without a system that is working in a cooperative fashion atm, well, we all have different hopes inside me, wants, needs.  We all want to be heard and recognized.  So creating a vision of what One wants could really make others feel left out.  

Yes, unless we include love and connection with others in our wants and needs, and being social animals we're wired that way, so creating empowering relationships with others it mutually beneficial.  Of course I'm talking about other people, not other identities within me, but it may be similar, unless of course our identities are in perpetual conflict.

Lastly, in general, most of us believe that hoping for a future outcome is actually a hinderance to a persons contentness as it is a form of grasping for what we do not have and looking to external forces/ideas to hope for inner contentment when in actuality, that is within right now and to gain greater access to that contentment we would do well in releasing ourself from expectations.

Yes, hope is a powerless place.  A better frame is to create an empowered future; creating is an action and something we are in control of; hope is neither.  And then it's the journey, not the destination, and contentment is found in happily achieving, not hoping for some future contentment.

Something that jumps out is language, language is powerful.  When you say 'we' and 'us' to describe yourself it may perpetuate the fragmented identities, where a language shift to 'I' and 'me' may help integrate those identities, so they become different parts of one self.  And I fully realize there are reasons identities become fragmented, and those reasons will surface when you attempt to integrate, which may be the way back to you; the only way out is through.  Take care of you!

[Sunfl0wer]

Yes, 'happiness' is a kind of shorthand, and really a poor goal anyway, contentment and fulfillment are more accurate.  It's about handling the timeframes, past, present and future: if we've made peace with the past, have a compelling future that gives us direction, and can live in our bodies at peace in the present, we can feel content and fulfilled, and grounded.

Also, without a system that is working in a cooperative fashion atm, well, we all have different hopes inside me, wants, needs.  We all want to be heard and recognized.  So creating a vision of what One wants could really make others feel left out.  

Yes, unless we include love and connection with others in our wants and needs, and being social animals we're wired that way, so creating empowering relationships with others it mutually beneficial.  Of course I'm talking about other people, not other identities within me, but it may be similar, unless of course our identities are in perpetual conflict.

Lastly, in general, most of us believe that hoping for a future outcome is actually a hinderance to a persons contentness as it is a form of grasping for what we do not have and looking to external forces/ideas to hope for inner contentment when in actuality, that is within right now and to gain greater access to that contentment we would do well in releasing ourself from expectations.

Yes, hope is a powerless place.  A better frame is to create an empowered future; creating is an action and something we are in control of; hope is neither.  And then it's the journey, not the destination, and contentment is found in happily achieving, not hoping for some future contentment.

Something that jumps out is language, language is powerful.  When you say 'we' and 'us' to describe yourself it may perpetuate the fragmented identities, where a language shift to 'I' and 'me' may help integrate those identities, so they become different parts of one self.  And I fully realize there are reasons identities become fragmented, and those reasons will surface when you attempt to integrate, which may be the way back to you; the only way out is through.  Take care of you!

Thank you for your reply, I do enjoy talking about this and am going to be challenged to sort out and communicate many thoughts that I have never considered before.

It sounds like we have slightly different ways of framing things and slightly different beliefs in areas.  I am ok with this and appreciate that this exists.

To clarify one area that is important to me... .

I am also a very strong believer in the power of language.

For me, and for many others with DID, when we say "we," this has a huge positive affect for us in that it recognizes the Others within us that have been so suppressed and neglected.

To say "I" when I am discussing thoughts that belong to a collective of us feels like a really big lie and causes many of us pain.  This is NOT a healing approach, but rather what has kept our main host in denial.  (She still struggles with denial, this is an important aspect for us all) The more she has opportunities to "out" us, the more honest and in touch with the rest of us she can learn to be.  The best analogy I can think of is a gay person realizing and admitting to themself that they are indeed gay.  While in company that they have chosen to discuss their gayness, they may not want to keep up the mask of the straight stuff they used to use to protect their denial. 

Also, on the other hand, they may not want to use terminology to out themself everywhere either.  If I am discussing my system specifically, I do not expect to pretend that I am one person when I am not, if that is the case, then we are not really discussing my system. (My system referring to the collection of Parts, Others, Alters, etc)  This is not a goal of therapy, nor helpful to anyone within the system. 

(I do though expect that my front people will often have to continue their roles in presenting us to the world as a unified singular person.  [when not specifically discussing the system or speaking to others that are ok with us] Part of me is likely as sad as this reality as every gay person who ever wanted to feel free of their secret, without suffering judgment.  Ex: "Why can't they just pretend they are straight so the rest of us don't have to feel uncomfortable."

And I fully realize there are reasons identities become fragmented, and those reasons will surface when you attempt to integrate, which may be the way back to you; the only way out is through.

I enjoy discussing this, you must be patient to have got through my long last post, thanks!

The reasons are clear to me now.  As alters reveal themself to me I get glimpses of their thoughts, who they are, a bit about them.  Some of this happens through sort of a shared co consciousness, some, other forms of communication.  We do not need to wait for the integration step, it is happening all now a bit.

I do not exactly think I am lost from me exactly, sort of, yes.  Maybe more like Dorothy looking for her parts, we have been here all along! 

I am proud of the me I am becoming, enjoying some parts atm.  Talking like this helps.  I have another site for DID where we all talk, they even have separate groups to encourage younger alters to join and talk and express themselves!  They encourage us to get to know our parts and allow our parts to help each other.  I am also grateful that I have "outed" myself to a few friends who are comfy talking to my alters thus far.

I don't expect to have too many conversations/threads like this one here, I think while it would be nice for more people to be aware of the needs of those with DID, there doesn't seem to exist the need for that here so much.  It is always unfortunate to me when there is isolation due to lack of awareness about something.

I am glad for the opportunities that I have!

Thank you!

[cherryblossom]

 

I recommend reading the book i just posted about xx