Hi Folks,
My BPDxbf was in therapy most of the time we were recycling. Very early on in our relationship, he announced that he'd put me in his 'safe place', the place his therapist had taught him to retreat to. That concerned me, as it seemed he'd done that prematurely, before he really knew me at all, before he could even have made a judgement that I could be trusted.
Anyway, from very early on, he started telling me when he was feeling dreadful and I tried to help him. It looked to me like he was reliving childhood trauma and I would attempt to help him through it, silently praying for healing. Sometimes, we weren't together when this happened and I'd support him over the phone. Many times we were, then I'd hold him whilst he sobbed.
My BPDxbf often cried. He'd take himself upstairs to cry and write in his journal when he stayed over. Often he would share what he wrote with me. It all felt like healing behaviour.
When we retired for the night, he would invariably snuggle up to me and sob like a baby whilst I stroked his hair and held him and then he'd feed from me like a baby and then he'd make love to me. It happened every time. My sexual response became conditioned to that pattern. At the time, I thought he was regressing and that it was all part of the healing journey. However, towards the end, I started thinking that it was odd and wondering if I had misinterpreted what was going on. He kept claiming that I was being hurtful, that he was "going through the worst time of his life right now" and I wasn't helping him. He said that same thing for weeks which made me doubt whether he was releasing trauma. I started to think that he was just letting off emotional pressure because it seemed to me, that if he was really releasing trauma, the emotional release would enable him to move on from it and he seemed stuck. At some point, I asked him about this and he confirmed that it was more a need to release pent up emotion from the day.
Towards the end, I started to feel he was manipulating me into supporting him by manufacturing trauma. One time, he was showing many signs of regression, but it turned out that everything he told me wasn't true. He told me about a girl in a red coat being murdered and how his dad and others got revenge on the murderer by killing him. He told it in such vivid detail, with fear reactions as he 'remembered' other things, he was clearly genuinely distressed and crying. The next day, I started doubting what he'd told me and so I checked for evidence on the internet. Nothing. Turns out that he'd checked for evidence on the internet too and also concluded that it wasn't a memory. Early on in the relationship, when we spent our first weekend away together, I'd woken up with a disturbing dream. I re-told it for him. He got upset and claimed that the dream was about the time when he got lost in the woods. Now I wonder whether that was the case. Now, I wonder if there was ever anything real going on. Was it all one big manipulation? Was it schizophrenia? Was everything he told me based upon a series of delusions?
I'm not really sure what I'm asking here. Any one relate to this in any way or have any observations?
Love Lifewriter
I go round and round about these things too. Was he manipulating me? Was everything, in essence, a lie?
But then I try to remember that we as humans are storytellers. We tell ourselves stories and we tell others stories. If we are honest our stories are rich and complex and real and allow for all sorts of ambiguity. That's you and me. If we are in small places our stories become one directional. They are narratives fed by need, not by desire for connection and truth. That's our exes.
One of the big mistakes I see people make is assuming that people only do terrible things with intent. Like they wake up that morning planning to hurt someone.
That's not how our minds work, especially if like a BPD or NPD where they are operating while hiding from themselves. Probably one part of him was reliving the trauma, another was delusional and a third was thinking this will get a reaction.
Was you ex genuine in his moments of despair with you, and the following connection? Probably. That's why this hurts so much. Because you were his solace, and it was real.
Was that genuine connection deep and lasting? No. It was not.
Think of it like a river that always changes courses, but never runs more than ankle deep. He surged past you and you felt it was an endless sea, rich in intimacy and forever. And then he changed course, and now he is off in another direction. He might try to come back, but it will always be this dichotomy: the richness that is really shallow, because he cannot just stop, and stay. He has to keep moving, away from himself.
My belief is under all those shallow, surging waters is a real person, so capped with fear they cannot come to the surface. Us nons see that, and want to hold that person. We make it our duty and responsibility, because there is a part of us that cries out, why are you doing this?
But we can't stop it. He's on his own journey.
