My exes b-day, life lessons and having peace in our life...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, it's his birthday and I am not saying a word to him. I made a big deal out of wishing him a happy b-day  last year as he ALWAYS wants a big deal made out of it every year. Instead I am trying to stay busy, but I am noticeably irritated and sad. I broke down crying on the phone with my Mom and she said it will ease in time. She said it's not him I miss, it's the idea of him. She is right... .I was reading an article in this months AARP () magazine with Sharon Stone, Jane Fonda and Alfre Woodard. Talking about getting older and life lessons. Sharon Stone said that she has stopped "questioning everything" and it gives her more room to breathe. This makes sense to me. Jane talks about going into her "3rd act" of life... .I was thinking, maybe that's how we should look at it as well, what ever "act" you are in... .decide what you want to do next. Alfre said, she was at a class reunion when her friends were in their 30's complaining about bad knees and saying "at our age", she said you are only as old as you feel. My stbx is 35 today. I remember him giving me such a hard time about my age as I am older than him. He is going to be the age I was when I met him before he knows it... .I hope he remembers how badly he treated me when that time comes. He will see... .as Alfe said, you are as old as you feel. I don't feel old... .sometimes tired, but not old. I am going to try to take some of the advice I have read here... .The not questioning everything would be huge for us, wouldn't it? We could just stop questioning and be in peace. My stbx's  parents always told me that they just wanted me to have peace. I have peace... .maybe it's a bit too much, but I am much happier away from him. Just miss being loved by someone is all... .that's what we all want- just to be loved. By the way, speaking of age, Cyndi Lauper was excellent the other night... .she is 62 and you would never know! We have our next act to play out... .we need to be ready. It has nowhere to go but up from here... .

[Herodias]

Well, it's his birthday and I am not saying a word to him. I made a big deal out of wishing him a happy b-day  last year as he ALWAYS wants a big deal made out of it every year. Instead I am trying to stay busy, but I am noticeably irritated and sad. I broke down crying on the phone with my Mom and she said it will ease in time. She said it's not him I miss, it's the idea of him. She is right... .I was reading an article in this months AARP () magazine with Sharon Stone, Jane Fonda and Alfre Woodard. Talking about getting older and life lessons. Sharon Stone said that she has stopped "questioning everything" and it gives her more room to breathe. This makes sense to me. Jane talks about going into her "3rd act" of life... .I was thinking, maybe that's how we should look at it as well, what ever "act" you are in... .decide what you want to do next. Alfre said, she was at a class reunion when her friends were in their 30's complaining about bad knees and saying "at our age", she said you are only as old as you feel. My stbx is 35 today. I remember him giving me such a hard time about my age as I am older than him. He is going to be the age I was when I met him before he knows it... .I hope he remembers how badly he treated me when that time comes. He will see... .as Alfe said, you are as old as you feel. I don't feel old... .sometimes tired, but not old. I am going to try to take some of the advice I have read here... .The not questioning everything would be huge for us, wouldn't it? We could just stop questioning and be in peace. My stbx's  parents always told me that they just wanted me to have peace. I have peace... .maybe it's a bit too much, but I am much happier away from him. Just miss being loved by someone is all... .that's what we all want- just to be loved. By the way, speaking of age, Cyndi Lauper was excellent the other night... .she is 62 and you would never know! We have our next act to play out... .we need to be ready. It has nowhere to go but up from here... .

[Wize]

My exw also made a big deal out of birthdays.  It was supposed to be this idealistic, fantasy sort of experience.  I never really understood it. And according to her, I ruined all the birthdays. .

Peace was never something I experienced with my xBPDw, in our home, in our marriage.  How can you have peace with a person who has an emotional battle raging inside their minds?

[Herodias]

My exw also made a big deal out of birthdays.  It was supposed to be this idealistic, fantasy sort of experience.  I never really understood it. And according to her, I ruined all the birthdays. .

Peace was never something I experienced with my xBPDw, in our home, in our marriage.  How can you have peace with a person who has an emotional battle raging inside their minds?

Yes, mine wanted big parties... .ummm- with no friends that is hard to do. He would complain if I didn't get him what he wanted or spend allot of money on him. Yet my birthday we always used gift card we got for xmas to go out to eat! Not right! yes... .no peace in a marriage with a pwBPD... .I assume his gf is having great time with him and the baby today,

[Wize]

My exw also made a big deal out of birthdays.  It was supposed to be this idealistic, fantasy sort of experience.  I never really understood it. And according to her, I ruined all the birthdays. .

Peace was never something I experienced with my xBPDw, in our home, in our marriage.  How can you have peace with a person who has an emotional battle raging inside their minds?

Yes, mine wanted big parties... .ummm- with no friends that is hard to do. He would complain if I didn't get him what he wanted or spend allot of money on him. Yet my birthday we always used gift card we got for xmas to go out to eat! Not right! yes... .no peace in a marriage with a pwBPD... .I assume his gf is having great time with him and the baby today,

And this is where that extreme emotional immaturity comes racing to the forefront.  We, as the partners of these BPD people, are suppose to meet and exceed all of their expectations.  And if we don't, well,  we're stuck dealing the little kid who has a tantrum in the store when he doesn't get the power ranger toy he wanted. You know that kid, right?  He's the kid who no one else at school likes. He's the kid who runs around and steals pencils and pulls girl's hair and then screams when he gets punished. He the one who plays by himself at recess because none of the other kids want to deal with his bullsh!t.

[Herodias]

My exw also made a big deal out of birthdays.  It was supposed to be this idealistic, fantasy sort of experience.  I never really understood it. And according to her, I ruined all the birthdays. .

Peace was never something I experienced with my xBPDw, in our home, in our marriage.  How can you have peace with a person who has an emotional battle raging inside their minds?

Yes, mine wanted big parties... .ummm- with no friends that is hard to do. He would complain if I didn't get him what he wanted or spend allot of money on him. Yet my birthday we always used gift card we got for xmas to go out to eat! Not right! yes... .no peace in a marriage with a pwBPD... .I assume his gf is having great time with him and the baby today,

And this is where that extreme emotional immaturity comes racing to the forefront.  We, as the partners of these BPD people, are suppose to meet and exceed all of their expectations.  And if we don't, well,  we're stuck dealing the little kid who has a tantrum in the store when he doesn't get the power ranger toy he wanted. You know that kid, right?  He's the kid who no one else at school likes. He's the kid who runs around and steals pencils and pulls girl's hair and then screams when he gets punished. He the one who plays by himself at recess because none of the other kids want to deal with his bullsh!t.

That's the one!

[Leonis]

And this is where that extreme emotional immaturity comes racing to the forefront.  We, as the partners of these BPD people, are suppose to meet and exceed all of their expectations.  And if we don't, well,  we're stuck dealing the little kid who has a tantrum in the store when he doesn't get the power ranger toy he wanted. You know that kid, right?  He's the kid who no one else at school likes. He's the kid who runs around and steals pencils and pulls girl's hair and then screams when he gets punished. He the one who plays by himself at recess because none of the other kids want to deal with his bullsh!t.

Yup. I could never show signs of "anger" because that's her fear and what she experienced throughout her childhood with her parents. Even if the source of my frustration was never really her. This implies no arguments, no frustrations, etc. Because, signs of frustration = potential to abuse her children like she was abused as a child. What a load of nonsense! However, she could feel and express whatever emotion she wants because she's "different".

I didn't perform acts of service enough because of the x number of times where I didn't open the door for her or x number of meals I didn't pay. Let's just disregard all the times I've actually done those things.

She complains about not being able to climax as often during intimacy while rejecting many attempts of foreplay.

The relationship stresses her out. Never said a word until she breaks.

[Reforming]

My ex hated birthdays. In fairness to her she didn't expect a big fanfare or a huge party but they often triggered a bout of depression or dysregulation so I ended up dreading them

By the end I didn't handle them very well.

Since our relationship ended I have pretty much stayed no contact.

It's over three years since we separated and though I always think about her on her birthday I've never texted, emailed or phoned her. It's sad, but it felt right for me.

She didn't either until my last birthday when she texted me. I didn't respond. It might seem a bit cold, but we're not friends. Trust and respect is gone.

Reforming