Not disclosing personal info to family

[Sunfl0wer]

Wishing I could explain to my cousin a personal struggle, but I cannot.  I wish she understood and could support me through this.  But I cannot expect or believe that anyone could keep it private.  She would of course tell mom and others as she herself would need to discuss it with someone to cope, understandable.

I keep worrying that I will accidentally really want her support and slip up.  Or I worry I will want to explain my distance and help her understand her struggle in reaching me at times, and that could cause a slip.

Maybe I need to practice some self soothing and self comforting and such.
Hard to find irl support atm, since my issue is unusual.

Kinda lonely this way.
Unimaginable.

Oh, reason to not share, is it would be used against me by others and exacerbate my own anxiety.  I am not anxious about her knowing, just about others.

[isilme]

I went through this with my BPD-dad's sister, my aunt.  She was fine to me, treated me well, and she and her husband tried to help when my dad kicked me out.  But, she was used to the 'norm' of crazy that to my dad's family was perfectly understandable.  I'd confide in my aunt, and then my grandmother and dad would know what I'd said.  This happened enough that I simply gave up on the whole family and went LC/NC.

It made me sad, and when she passed a few years back I could not even go to her funeral since I was so scared my dad would attend, and that he'd take advantage of a day to honor my aunt to hurt me.   

I have a lot of trust issues because of my BPD family.  I do not easily confide in real life to people.  I don't hide my family abuse from them, but I try to keep any conversation light, and make it gallows humor and then move on.  No one can understand being NC with your mother because she steals your identity and that's the least damage she can do or has done.  No one can understand that yes, I go kicked out at 19, but it was my dad's solution to wanting me gone from his life - I was not rebellious, I was literally a little choir girl in church, but society can't understand how BPD parents can treat their kids, and family refuses often to understand even if hey see it. 

I'm sorry you want to have that outlet in talking to your cousin but can't.  I wanted to include my mom in my wedding plans, but couldn't.  I come here, instead, often to just get things out so I can express them safely.

[Bright Day Mom]

I dealt with a similar situation this past year. My husband's mother is a rumor mill all on her own and loves to put everyone's business out there.  I was stuck between a rock and a hard place because their grand daughter (my daughter) had been hospitalized multiple times, and was ultimately admitted into Residential for 9 months, still currently there, about half way thru.   

This is what I did and really it was selfish on my part, but the guilt was becoming unbearable to me. I invited them over to dinner and told them their GD suffers from mental illness, we've had multiple hospitalizations and she had entered into a 9 month program.  I swore them to secrecy as my D would be mortified if the whole gum flapping family knew and we would all lose her trust FOREVER. They have respected our wishes and have actually become closer and more understanding.

I felt so relieved, the weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I got the best night's sleep.  Your cousin may be a great source of comfort to you, but you'll never know if you don't take a first step. There is no reason you should go thru this alone.  If anything, you have a whole BPD community

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for the support, it means a lot!

My cousin is younger, I feel motherly to her.  I do not feel comfortable or "fair" sharing with her this as she would understandably need close people to discuss this with.  She would turn to her mom.  Mom had BPD and would use it against me and want to know more and could even cause drama to use cousin to probe me about it.  It could get very ugly, really the support is not worth the risk.  I am glad to have to write this, it is like thinking out loud, and I now know, telling is NOT the safest option for me at all.

Isilme:  I am so sorry you lost some family members not really due to them being directly bad to you, but how they engaged in other dynamics from the abusive ones.  Pretty awful!

It is so hard to feel one has to keep conversation never too deep just to stay emotionally safe.  -This is how I feel.  It is lonely!

Thank you Bright Day Mom!  My issue is my cPTSD, and my flashbacks, they interfere with my relationship with the cousin.  If I told her, it would help repair our relationship, which isn't damaged, just became distant... .but she would understand my avoidant behaviors this year.  But, she would be compelled to tell her BPD mom as she would be shocked at it.  BPDmom would create drama around it and competition about childhood abuses.  I want none of that.  I do not speak at all to her mom, but she is an abuser to me and would use the info to get to me.  So there is no way I can share.  Not fair to cousin, too risky to cause damage to me... .no way I want her mom to have my info.

[Notwendy]

For me, it is a question of boundaries. I don't disclose personal information to people who do not respect my privacy. My BPD mother does not, whatever I tell her, she tells anyone.

Because of this, I only share information with her that I wouldn't mind if it was on the evening news. So I might tell her something like my child's soccer team won the game that day, but not something personal. It's amazing to have a conversation that consists of things just like this.

But it also reflects the relationship. I can't be close to her. It doesn't work for me or for either of us. But I do have a relationship with her on a less intimate level.

One reason for this limitation is that she isn't honest with me. I don't know if what she tells me is the truth or not. In this case, neither of us are truly disclosing information, but I don't feel comfortable lying so I just don't say things that are personal to me.

It is what is it.

My mother's FOO is  enmeshed, and if I tell them something personal, they call her up and tell her. So I interact in the same way with them. I once confided something in a relative, and in about 15 minutes got a call from my mother about the topic. It was that fast! They also forward anything I post on Facebook to her, but I don't post personal info on FB.

It is lonely, but I have learned that the people who are related to me are not necessarily people I want to confide in. Thankfully I have friends who I trust. But it was hard for me to see it this way. I truly want to be close to my family, and have cried and grieved the loss of connection with them. But I also have come to accept that in a dysfunctional family, relationships can not be what I wished they would be. Yet we can find friends who are trustworthy.

[HappyChappy]

Not fair to cousin, too risky to cause damage to me... .no way I want her mom to have my info.

Sunflower, I feel your anguish, I’m going through something similar hence my interest. So maybe we can share thoughts. But I totally agree, BPD will use information against us, so we must be guarded. But then we have to share with someone, it’s part of the cure. I use this website and my good friends that aren’t connected to my FOO. It’s not ideal, in that I’ve done so much for my younger sister, I feel let down she’s “not able to go there”. But in truth, she wasn’t brought up to help others, that was my roll in the triangulation mess.

But Sunflower, a wise friend once told me, family doesn’t have to be blood, sometimes just feeling the kindness of strangers can help. So feel free to PM me if that would help.  Also feel free to pass on any tips, because the feeling alone thing you mention, very common on this forum. But probably the most powerful thing I know, is befriend yourself. Complement yourself, build yourself up (easier said than done) be your own best friend, because that way you’re never alone.  

[Bright Day Mom]

Sunflower I agree 100% on not wanting an abuser in your life.  You need to know you aren't as alone as you often feel. There are many people that live in similar circumstances.

Hopefully you have a relationship with a good therapist who can assist you in not only processing, but also in moving forward and healing from your past. Someone once told me to stop living life through the rear view mirror; the past is what it is and you can't change it... .look and see what's ahead.  Hopefully with the right therapist and lots of effort on your part you will be able to come to terms with the past and more importantly have a relationship with your cousin.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you all!

Sometimes I simply have a hard time processing info, with recall, and other symptoms as a result of FOO trauma.  Wish I could respond more thoughtfully, yet this is one of those times. Trying... .

It is lonely, but I have learned that the people who are related to me are not necessarily people I want to confide in.

I have often said the same to others.  Part of me feels this way and can contently state the same with confidence.  Another part of me desires to connect with the cousin on a deeper level and realizes that I have a part in that and I want to explore if I can do more.

I think I can find an in between solution and share parts and pieces without feeling as though I shared more than I want her mom to know.  (I feel like I have said this, idk, maybe my other thread went to similar direction)

I can talk about "I'm struggling," without giving it a name, and just share general affects instead of details.  At least it communicates:  I recognize I have been odd, there are reasons, I wish it didn't make distance between us, I am working on this and do not want you feeling too much in the dark guessing if something is odd or if it is you.

So feel free to PM me if that would help.  Also feel free to pass on any tips, because the feeling alone thing you mention, very common on this forum.

Thank you!  I'm limited atm, ... .in abilities to process, recall present day info a lot.  Affect of trauma.  This is what I am not sharing with her, my amnesia states and cognitive fluctuations.  Lol, as for the never alone, befriend yourself, yes, I do practice this.  It is a lot of what we are working on in therapy.  Also is paying attention, being mindful in a different way than ever before.  Hard to explain other than the T is very trauma focused, does EMDR and hypnosis and some very buried things are surfacing, it is amazing, wonderful and horrifying.  Learning to get comfortable with these experiences and remain present sounds simple enough, , not at all!  I had no idea!  I thought I HAD been doing these things!  I was, but he showed me new levels for this.

I suppose what I feel alone in is my therapy stuff that resurfaces that really has little place anywhere else.  The flooding, flashes, and bizarre experiences have no place really but therapy to be shared.  I do try to sketch, journal, walk, etc

Last session was soo bizarre, at my insistence, he agreed, we did some EMDR/hypnosis always seems to happen too, think flashback x1000, my mind and body underwent some bizarre vertigo like stuff, cannot really explain.  It went very well, just sureal!

Thank you again!
It is hard to get these thoughts in order, organized and such... .a daily thing.

Actually, I think I just figured out what is REALLY bugging me:
The insulting thing about trauma from my FOO, is the denial and dynamics that helped keep things secret, covert and such.  Here I am, so many years later, and I feel that for my own safety and protection, I really have no choice but to continue the dynamic of secrets and covertness, as I move through life, my world, cut off to all of them by my choice, I still cannot share many parts of me with others because it "is not appropriate" STILL!  I am not trying to perpetuate secrets! It is just the dynamic now that is left to me to keep me safe!  This feels insulting!  Being honest about my abuse to T is freeing in a sense, but it ends there to an extent.  I feel like I betray the part of me that hates secrets, that says secrets = a good environment to marinate abuse, so less/no secrets, and more transparency is safer.

*sigh*

I think that made sense. :/

Thanks