Inner core

[bus boy]

It's been a year since I slept with the devil and it raises questions in my mind. I read posts about people's pain and I can relate so well and I read the question does it get better. It does. I feel as time goes on the questions change in my mind from un healthy to more healthy questions. One question is inner core. My BPD/NPD ex wife, on the surface is a pleasant person, get her behind closed doors she is a cruel vile, sarcastic, say the the most belittling, dehumanizing things, treat you and make you feel like a total nothing. I can go on but you get the message. So what does being nice on the surface mean, outwardly pleasant if your inner core, what really makes you tick, is rotten to the core.

[C.Stein]

So what does being nice on the surface mean, outwardly pleasant if your inner core, what really makes you tick, is rotten to the core.

What does it mean to you?

[JerryRG]

It's funny how my exgf was the most mean when we were close for a while, when things were going well as far as I knew. When we did fight she seemed to be more spectator than actively trying to do and say things to hurt me.

It was as if her normal state "core" was chasing me around explaining every thing I did that was wrong. Very seldom heard I did anything well. She was a naggy complaining person. It was no fun to be around.

I would tolerate it for a while then find myself making crazy excuses to get away from her so I could breath. My hope was when I come back she would change.

She never changed, but I did

Her core is not a pretty one and her outer core is fading fast as well.

[bus boy]

To me it means it's not real. If a person can be that sinister in private and nice on the outward, than to me they are truley a dark soul. I can't even begin to think on her line of thinking. It takes a lot of work to be evil and nice or I should say fake nice.

[Hadlee]

To me it means it's not real. If a person can be that sinister in private and nice on the outward, than to me they are truley a dark soul. I can't even begin to think on her line of thinking. It takes a lot of work to be evil and nice or I should say fake nice.

I was just about to write something similar!  I see it as fake... .like being a wolf in sheep's clothing!  I'll forever be cautious of the "overly" nice people for the rest of my life now!

[C.Stein]

To me it means it's not real. If a person can be that sinister in private and nice on the outward, than to me they are truley a dark soul. I can't even begin to think on her line of thinking. It takes a lot of work to be evil and nice or I should say fake nice.

Be careful not to split her.  I know it is hard not to right now but people aren't all good or all bad, they are something in-between.  Circumstances allow certain parts of our personality to be expressed while others may be suppressed.  With the borderline, the "dark side" is over expressed in emotionally intimate scenarios.  We all have these personality traits the difference being some people are more balanced than others.  With borderlines parts of their personality are way out of balance under certain circumstances.  This doesn't make them evil or having of a dark soul, they are just incapable of balancing all the different aspects of their personality in a healthy manner.  Unfortunately the result is destructive and very painful for anyone who gets close enough to trigger the unbalanced state.

[JerryRG]

I heard people who met my exgf that she was fake so many times but I must have been used to her "sides". It was the same when people said she was manipulating me, I just didn't recognize it. That must be one reason I stayed so long. Maybe my ability to deny is very high?

[Leonis]

I heard people who met my exgf that she was fake so many times but I must have been used to her "sides". It was the same when people said she was manipulating me, I just didn't recognize it. That must be one reason I stayed so long. Maybe my ability to deny is very high?

Even my ex's family noted the "many sides" of her. I didn't note the   then.

[once removed]

i used to wonder this myself. why didnt my ex treat others in the abusive ways she treated me? (spoiler alert: she did, and in some cases, she would go on to later down the road).

BPD is a disorder triggered by intimacy. often referred to as an "invisible disorder" (it isnt. but often times its less visible to acquaintances, or distant friends).

it is a disorder triggered by attachment. generally it is the people closest to the person with BPD that are on the receiving end of abuse, or splitting, or push/pull behaviors, etc.

as well, people with BPD lack a consistent sense of self; they can appear differently to different people. i always felt my ex acted very differently when we were around others than when we were behind closed doors, including our most loving and happy times. she did. but thats because she doesnt know, at her core, who she is.

in other words, its not fake, its not an act, its not carefully calculated manipulation. its the very nature of the disorder. its a lifetime of unstable interpersonal relationships. the less personal, the more stable.

[JerryRG]

I agree once removed

My ex got her new bf put in jail, either he did beat her or she just made another accusation, the point is my ex pretends to be happy but I see right through her now.

I just dropped my son off an hour ago and she tried manipulating me into taking my son overnight.

She said her mother said my son was staying with me?

She acts like her mother and I are conspiring together or this is all just another lie. Feelings = facts?


So bizarre

[GreenEyedMonster]

I tend to think that for individuals with these struggles, their core is made up of two things -- fear, and anger at people who they think cause the fear.

From the inside it feels like they have so many needs, and other people -- not them -- control whether those needs can be met.  If someone else were responsible for feeding you, and sometimes just randomly chose not to for their own reasons, you would probably feel a lot of anger and helplessness in that situation.  I think pwBPD feel that in regard to their emotional needs.

They only get angry at people who have what they need. 

I always get a little scared if I can't see a person's darkness.  People who act like everything is great, they like everyone, and they get along with everyone are sometimes hiding some very deep feelings of inadequacy and fear beneath.  A person who can talk openly about his or her flaws and accept the consequences of others knowing about them is more healthy than someone who needs to hide them.  It's funny, because one of my friends posted on FB the other day about how a couple she thought was "perfect" had just broken up and she had lost some of her faith in marriage because of that.  Sometimes being perfect isn't that desirable.  It's having a healthy view of your flaws and a sense of ownership of even the bad parts of life that makes a person health and able to cope.

[joeramabeme]

Hey bus boy,

So what does being nice on the surface mean, outwardly pleasant if your inner core, what really makes you tick, is rotten to the core.

Not so sure that your question is accurate; pwBPD are not rotten to the core.  

As others have mentioned, BPD is a disorder of intimacy or closeness; fear is the primary motivator for actions; fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment.  How that plays out with others and the different facades that pwBPD display is likely proportional to their sense of vulnerability in that moment.

Thinking about my ex, she was a cocktail party dream-hostess.  She would talk with everyone, make them smile, tell jokes and laugh and generally make people feel like they were important; she was extremely thoughtful and kind.  All of this was a genuine expression of how she really loved people and the love that she really does possess.  But, it was only prevalent in informal social gatherings.  

In more intimate settings, where one or both of us were close to those we were socializing with, she could (and frequently would) be the exact opposite: stand-offish, aloof, distant and somewhat disinterested.  My sense of it was that, to the degree of vulnerability she felt, her behaviors and feelings could have a wide range.

With me, of course she could be both ways; very loving and very demeaning.  

Worthy of note to this response; there is one other set of people that she was unanimously mean spirited and vicious towards; Customer Service reps!  She literally treated them as expendable appendages to the process of purchasing what ever she was looking to buy.  

Since much of what she ordered was through catalogues (and she shopped daily), I would hear her phone conversations while sitting downstairs and my toes would curl; she was ultra-mean and insensitive and eventually I got really disgusted with her behavior.  One day I told her; do not ever talk like that to a customer service rep while I am around ever again because I will hang the phone up on you - and I meant it.  It took time but she began to level off - at least in front of me.

The Customer Service rep was not an intimate relationship but she was always very wary of being taking advantage of in even the slightest of ways; she literally saw the call as, take advantage of them or be taken advantage of.  

My point is, pwBPD are not rotten to the core.  There are certain situations where they feel triggered, unsafe and vulnerable; which will cause extreme responses to the perceived source of threat.

My ex is a beautiful person with a disorder that she is unaware of.  When she is not disordered, I would rather be with no one else.  When she is disordered, I have to be with someone else.

JRB