Probable replacement, anger and doubt ensue

[KarmasReal]

Hey guys,

Well tonight's not been great. I check my exBPD's social media and basically in a round about way it came to my attention she is seeing someone already. Now I feel pretty bad, and for some reason I feel worse because I don't know who it is. I feel like if I could see this person maybe I would feel better, I don't know if that's actually true or not though. It tears me up knowing how she caused our final split and then she wouldn't return my things and then she said she wasn't happy how we ended things, and now there's someone else? Bald no less, if her Facebook post is about the replacement. Like what the heck! I tried everything and she couldn't give me anything after our two honeymoon phases, and now mr clean, gets a shot cause he's better for her or something? I don't know maybe I'm just spewing my anger right now. I'm alone and still hurt, I couldn't even have a healthy relationship right now, and she gets a new guy and keeps right on living just wonderfully. Yes she's a pretty girl so I guess that's all the world of guys care about. All I keep thinking is why did she choose him over me? How can he deal with her? Why isn't she acting psycho with him? Was I the lucky one who caught her BPD full force and now she's 30 not 28 and she's calmed down, after I dear with the wild partying drunk? Probably not a very healthy post by me but I'm kind of hurting and I needed to vent. Thanks for being here with me guys.

KarmasReal

[Fr4nz]

Hey guys,

Well tonight's not been great. I check my exBPD's social media and basically in a round about way it came to my attention she is seeing someone already. Now I feel pretty bad, and for some reason I feel worse because I don't know who it is. I feel like if I could see this person maybe I would feel better, I don't know if that's actually true or not though. It tears me up knowing how she caused our final split and then she wouldn't return my things and then she said she wasn't happy how we ended things, and now there's someone else? Bald no less, if her Facebook post is about the replacement. Like what the heck! I tried everything and she couldn't give me anything after our two honeymoon phases, and now mr clean, gets a shot cause he's better for her or something? I don't know maybe I'm just spewing my anger right now. I'm alone and still hurt, I couldn't even have a healthy relationship right now, and she gets a new guy and keeps right on living just wonderfully. Yes she's a pretty girl so I guess that's all the world of guys care about. All I keep thinking is why did she choose him over me? How can he deal with her? Why isn't she acting psycho with him? Was I the lucky one who caught her BPD full force and now she's 30 not 28 and she's calmed down, after I dear with the wild partying drunk? Probably not a very healthy post by me but I'm kind of hurting and I needed to vent. Thanks for being here with me guys.

KarmasReal

Sadly... .it's normal, when dealing with BPDs. I can totally relate. Almost every BPD partner ends up being subjected to this. It's part of the disorder.

After the breakup, I tried almost everything to get her back (what a fool I was! But I was in love... .), while she was screwing other guys; mind that she was still kissing me... .In the end, she replaced me in front of my eyes (i.e., almost had sex with my replacement while I was at her home... .had to flee away to avoid doing irreparable things).  

You are still in time to enforce total NC, before she humiliates you (and your self-esteem).

I know that it hurts badly and incredibly, but you cannot do anything at this point. The only tool you have is total, complete, toughest NC.

My "evil" side would suggest you to go even farther, and "ghost" her -- indeed, ghosting is a "passive" tool that can hurt BPDs very badly... .but, that is not an healthy behaviour; just venting, you triggered in me some past painful memories... .

[DazedD23]

Block their social media!

Its self torture looking at that and always remember FB isn't a true reflection of a persons life. Also worth remembering that there will be a chance they post things up to get our attention. Remember a lot of this could be posted up to get a rise out of you. Its the sort of thing my ex does from time to time. Even though they have discarded you they still want you to suffer.

[Fr4nz]

... .or they just want to maintain some sort of connection with you (due to issues with object permanence).

[C.Stein]

Why are you using her as a measuring stick?

[Wantingtochange]

KarmasReal. I'm sorry that your going through this and are hurting, I can understand your pain. I can relate to your post, I'm struggling with the same thing.

C.Stein submitted an excellent question, one I've been asking myself. I have quit checking their social media am instead, looking within myself to find what Im really feeling. What my deep seated issues are being touched.

Maybe look at it from that perspective. We can't often understand the why's, why our exBPD did things. But we can look within and see the why's for us.

I'm struggling with this one myself.

[KarmasReal]

I guess I'm using her as a measuring stick because she knew more of me than anyone else, my family knows a side, my friends no a side, but she knew more sides. It feels like she saw my soul and said sorry not good enough, I'll push you away as much as possible and a few weeks later I'll find someone who's way better. At least that's how it feels to me.


Also, we aren't friends on Facebook, she is still friends with my mother which is how I knew about the post, so she probably isn't putting it up there to get a rise out of me, it was very subtle, if it had been a selfie of her and this possible replacement as her profile, that may would have felt like it was to get a rise out of me.

And I also I still don't know why I want to know who this possible replacement is and why I want to compare myself to him. Seems unhealthy but that's all I can think about!

[C.Stein]

I guess I'm using her as a measuring stick because she knew more of me than anyone else, my family knows a side, my friends no a side, but she knew more sides. It feels like she saw my soul and said sorry not good enough, I'll push you away as much as possible and a few weeks later I'll find someone who's way better. At least that's how it feels to me.

That is not what I meant by measuring stick.  Why are you comparing your life to hers? 

And I also I still don't know why I want to know who this possible replacement is and why I want to compare myself to him. Seems unhealthy but that's all I can think about!

Don't go there man, it only leads to pain.

[KarmasReal]

I guess I compare because, even though I know the old saying "life isn't fair", I just think it should be a little. I gave my all, tried to make a tough situation the best possible and was thrown away for it. Now I'm used and hurt and alone. She used me, threw me away, and can go on about her life like it didn't even phase her. I was nothing, just somebody to fill the space for a while.

[C.Stein]

She used me, threw me away, and can go on about her life like it didn't even phase her.

My ex did the same.  Why does it matter to you what she does?  She suffers from a mental disorder ... why would you want to compare yourself to that?  She is not you and you are not her.  You are facing this ordeal and your inner self with courage ... .be proud that you have the strength to do this ... .she did not.   

[KarmasReal]

I wouldn't say courage, I would say more out of necessity. If anything positive can come from this ordeal it will be making myself an even better version of me than I was. Staying true to what I believe and not being weak and falling into anther toxic relationship. I will become a better person and she won't, that much I know, it's still hard to see the silver lining when she gets to not deal with with the pain or misery that she caused me and just replace. I know you and others dealt with this too, I'm at 7 weeks out now I thought I might be a little better than I am at this point.

[C.Stein]

it's still hard to see the silver lining when she gets to not deal with with the pain or misery that she caused me and just replace.

How would she "deal" with it?

I'm at 7 weeks out now I thought I might be a little better than I am at this point.

At 7 weeks I was a mess ... .and had still yet to hit the bottom.  Take it easy on yourself, it takes time to heal from these types of relationships KR.

[KarmasReal]

I guess she wouldn't deal with it. I kept wondering how only two months after separating from her husband of five years, she could want a committed relationship from me. Should have been s big red flag. Plus the fact I wasn't the first person she saw I was like the third. In two months? Her ex husband kicked her out for cheating on him. I left her for being utterly heartless to me. So I guess her seeing someone only 7 weeks after our 19 month relationship isn't so abnormal for her. But the funny thing is her being kicked out was a plague to our relationship it's like she went through the breakup off and on the entire time we were together. I wonder if she tries to cover it up with a new person but eventually the pain and loss gets to her and that new person can't cover it up? All I know is I had to be an emotionally tough person and she had to need me in someway for us to both survive a 19 month relationship where she is udBPD and going through a divorce in a state she has no family!

[Fr4nz]

I wonder if she tries to cover it up with a new person but eventually the pain and loss gets to her and that new person can't cover it up?

Yes, try to search something like "BPD reverse grieving"; the idea is that BPDs cannot stay alone since they need to feel "complete", hence the need of quick replacements and their apparent happiness after having thrashed us in the bin.

However, since they do not process the end of important relationships like normal people do (the well-known 5 stages of grief), past traumas, pain, etc. emerge periodically from the subconscious by various means (e.g, drama creation out of nothing, auto-sabotage, non-sense fights, etc.).

[C.Stein]

I guess she wouldn't deal with it. I kept wondering how only two months after separating from her husband of five years, she could want a committed relationship from me. Should have been s big red flag. Plus the fact I wasn't the first person she saw I was like the third. In two months? Her ex husband kicked her out for cheating on him. I left her for being utterly heartless to me. So I guess her seeing someone only 7 weeks after our 19 month relationship isn't so abnormal for her. But the funny thing is her being kicked out was a plague to our relationship it's like she went through the breakup off and on the entire time we were together. I wonder if she tries to cover it up with a new person but eventually the pain and loss gets to her and that new person can't cover it up? All I know is I had to be an emotionally tough person and she had to need me in someway for us to both survive a 19 month relationship where she is udBPD and going through a divorce in a state she has no family!

So what does this tell you about her "method" of dealing with emotional pain?

[KarmasReal]

Looks to me like she tries to cover it up. Like a band aid over a bullethole. I read some articles about reverse grieving, they made sense to me as I had seen it in action. The timeline I've seen of 3-4 months also makes sense as I've noticed her breakup/recycles that I know of last around 2-5 months and I also noticed that her idealization/devaluation also seem to last about 2-5 minths. Strange coincidence.

I also note that some people on here have never been recycled while others have 20 times or more. What causes this? Is it a borderline continuum thing? Like the BPD they are the more recycles happen? People have said they didn't notice BPD behavior for years in their SO I noticed it within a month or two, I wonder if the BPD has more BPD traits they more closely follow these habits as opposed to someone lower on the BPD continuum?

[C.Stein]

Looks to me like she tries to cover it up. Like a band aid over a bullethole.

Exactly.  I liken it to a fresh coat of paint (new source of validation) over rotting wood (compartmentalized/buried emotions and refusal to address internal problems).  

I also note that some people on here have never been recycled while others have 20 times or more. What causes this? Is it a borderline continuum thing? Like the BPD they are the more recycles happen? People have said they didn't notice BPD behavior for years in their SO I noticed it within a month or two, I wonder if the BPD has more BPD traits they more closely follow these habits as opposed to someone lower on the BPD continuum?

There is no rhyme or reason.  Some will recycle, perhaps due to not having another source of validation handy, and others won't.   Some will attempt to recycle down the road and some won't.  There is no formula that will define the madness.

[Mars22]

... .or they just want to maintain some sort of connection with you (due to issues with object permanence).

Yes, I think i just experienced this a week ago. My uBPDxgf and myself shared a photo based web site Flickr; where you post your personal photography. She never posted there because she uses Hipstamatic and Instagram... always claimed it was her preference; she has more friends and a bigger following there. NOW, suddenly after 3 months of NC she has begun to post photos to Flickr again... Why? Well, perhaps She knows I'll see her work and that it will remind me of her... .It set me back too but, I'm learning to ignore it. I think the biggest issue for me is, yes - the loneliness of knowing they just move on so easily... kinda makes us feel like what we shared was a fraud. And in a way, it perhaps was...

KarmasReal... your name says it all. Karma is real so please know that the universe has a plan for her actions.