I don't think I have what it takes

[Parents! Get help here!]

Not sure if this is the right place for this post.  It's about myself, not my uBPDd(38).

I've been reading the staying in the relationship boards, and under the Perspectives Lessons, I came across this under the "Accept the Role of Emotional Caretaker":  " its important to understand that you and your behavior cannot rehabilitate anyone - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship. Rehabilitation requires an individual's deep personal commitment, consistently, and over time."

I was raised in an alcoholic family.  My mother is an uNPD alcoholic/narcotic addict.  My father was an enabler and alcoholic. I have been in therapy for years, starting in my early 20's with ACOA groups.  I have been through spiritual healing and release, and work on this stuff daily.

But because of my upbringing I have a very low tolerance for people who cannot recognize or refuse to recognize the need to change their own behavior. 

So, when I read that paragraph about accepting that changing my behavior will not lead to rehabilitation of the pwPD, well, that made me stop and think about what I am going through with my step-daughter.

I can't honestly say that I am willing to be the emotional caregiver in this relationship.  Not even for my daughter.  I know how harsh this sounds, but I don't like who I am and who I become when I am constantly around a pwPD.

I grew up being the target of my parents unhealthy relationship habits and I have found the best boundary, one that I can keep and practice, is the no contact boundary.  Why?  Because it is easy to maintain.  I just don't make contact, and they figure out pretty quick that I mean it and move on.   I recognize folks pretty quickly when they display their PD flags and I distance myself from them as quickly as I can.  I try not to let them become dependent on me.  I just don't find the rewards (because they can be so freaking charming!) great enough to deal with the baggage.  I've got my own baggage to carry around, thank you. 

I guess that is why I am freaking out about my daughter moving back to our city.  It's one thing to have to deal with the once or twice a year visit.  I can keep my mouth shut and not rock the boat for limited periods of time.  But I am not willing to be the emotional caretaker in a high contact relationship.

Do I want a no contact relationship with my daughter?  No. But I don't know that there is anything in between.  And I guess that is what I need help in understanding.  Does my intolerance for people who can't/won't change, and my unwillingness to be the emotional caretaker eliminate me from my daughter's life?

I have talked myself in circles.  If anyone can offer some insight, I would appreciate it. 

Hebrews 12

[Hebrews12]

Not sure if this is the right place for this post.  It's about myself, not my uBPDd(38).

I've been reading the staying in the relationship boards, and under the Perspectives Lessons, I came across this under the "Accept the Role of Emotional Caretaker":  " its important to understand that you and your behavior cannot rehabilitate anyone - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship. Rehabilitation requires an individual's deep personal commitment, consistently, and over time."

I was raised in an alcoholic family.  My mother is an uNPD alcoholic/narcotic addict.  My father was an enabler and alcoholic. I have been in therapy for years, starting in my early 20's with ACOA groups.  I have been through spiritual healing and release, and work on this stuff daily.

But because of my upbringing I have a very low tolerance for people who cannot recognize or refuse to recognize the need to change their own behavior. 

So, when I read that paragraph about accepting that changing my behavior will not lead to rehabilitation of the pwPD, well, that made me stop and think about what I am going through with my step-daughter.

I can't honestly say that I am willing to be the emotional caregiver in this relationship.  Not even for my daughter.  I know how harsh this sounds, but I don't like who I am and who I become when I am constantly around a pwPD.

I grew up being the target of my parents unhealthy relationship habits and I have found the best boundary, one that I can keep and practice, is the no contact boundary.  Why?  Because it is easy to maintain.  I just don't make contact, and they figure out pretty quick that I mean it and move on.   I recognize folks pretty quickly when they display their PD flags and I distance myself from them as quickly as I can.  I try not to let them become dependent on me.  I just don't find the rewards (because they can be so freaking charming!) great enough to deal with the baggage.  I've got my own baggage to carry around, thank you. 

I guess that is why I am freaking out about my daughter moving back to our city.  It's one thing to have to deal with the once or twice a year visit.  I can keep my mouth shut and not rock the boat for limited periods of time.  But I am not willing to be the emotional caretaker in a high contact relationship.

Do I want a no contact relationship with my daughter?  No. But I don't know that there is anything in between.  And I guess that is what I need help in understanding.  Does my intolerance for people who can't/won't change, and my unwillingness to be the emotional caretaker eliminate me from my daughter's life?

I have talked myself in circles.  If anyone can offer some insight, I would appreciate it. 

Hebrews 12

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there Hebrews

I've read your posts a number of times but haven't introduced myself yet. I live in the uk and my BPDs25 lives at home. He returned home mid-Dec following a crisis while living in the USA. I too had an unstable upbringing with many moves and my education and emotional maturity suffered immensely.

We reached a point in our relationship with our adult child where we understood that he would not change. This was in May 2015. We'd tried everything and for our own self preservation we decided he had to go, our relationship was at a very low point. We manoeuvred him out of the house and kept in touch with FaceTime. Life was bliss, particularly when things were going well for him. As it got harder for him, our old behaviours kicked in, we started to overstep financially and emotionally. What was the alternative? Have him back home, we certainly didn't want that!

We reached a point where we couldn't afford to keep him out there. He was depressed and we couldn't take the risk. We asked him to return home.

Here's where things got really interesting.

We really did not want him living with us. We told him things were going to be different from now on. We'd changed after having the space to ourselves. We had no idea how it would work or what would happen but we were willing to give it a go.

I've worked hard at changing my own behaviours to provide him with a stable, loving environment. I've learnt validation skills and feel a way forward together to find a happier way. Amazingly, he's started to react very positively to this. I've spent my life wagging my finger at him, I could find no positives in his character or his choices. No wonder he reacted to me in the way he did.

How could I expect him to change when I wasn't willing to change myself?

I've done this as I really want a life long relationship with my BPDs. I've done this for my family as a whole. We make progress and its relaxed. It hasn't been easy and I've still a lot to learn, I aim for him to live independently next year.

Personally speaking, I could have cut him out of our lives. We may have been happy. I know some on the forum have done this and found a good life. It helps because my BPDs doesn't rage.

We have our own plan and will retire in 3.5 years. I hope to be able to walk alongside him while he grows. I've discovered I've a wonderful, funny, thoughtful (at times) young man. Yes his BPD behaviours are still there, he does not seek treatment but I don't react to his choices.

[Huat]

Hi Hebrews!

My mother walked away from the family when I was 15 and left us kids with an alcoholic (but not violent) father.  My daughter ran away when she was 12.  Those are the two bookends of my life.  Needless to say, I too have emotional baggage to deal with. 

I am happy to say that I was able to reconcile with my mother before she died... .ended up being her caretaker.  The first time I heard her say, "I love you."... .I turned around to see who was in the room... .but it got better... .and I cried when she died.  I had closure on that end!

I was determined to be a better mother to my daughter than my mother was to me.  Well, I know I was because through thick and thin, her father and I have stuck it out... .now married 54 years... .still loving each other... .although she has worked hard to drive in the wedge... .divide and conquer.

Our latest estrangement with our daughter is now going onto 4 years... .longest ever.  At the beginning I cried at the drop of a hat... .woke in the middle of the night to cry.  I was grieving.  Now it still makes me sad to think of our situation and every now and then there will be a few tears... .but there are also sighs.  As we have been totally cut out of her life, we are not picking up on any more drama... .(phewwwwww!)... .which would be harder to take at this stage of our lives.

When I get melancholy and visualize a possible reconciliation, I do sometimes stop myself and ask, "Can you hear the silence?... .Can you feel the peace?" 

Over the years, many family, group pictures were taken of happy people... .we had lots of happy times... .but then sometimes right after the shutter was pushed, the atmosphere would change because of... .(?).  We have witnessed our daughter's vindictiveness over the years in dealing with other people... .have/are feeling it ourselves.  A counsellor once told us, "She treats you like you are sh-- on her shoe!"

So... .I hear what you are saying and asking.  Only you know the answers for yourself.  I know that I am better armed now... .know my boundaries.  Time will tell if I ever start using them with our daughter.  After trying and trying to bridge the gap between us, the time came to hand her the ball.  If she says she wants to "play nice" again... .there will be a whole new set or rules.

Hang in, Hebrews!

[qcarolr]

I've been reading the staying in the relationship boards, and under the Perspectives Lessons, I came across this under the "Accept the Role of Emotional Caretaker":  " its important to understand that you and your behavior cannot rehabilitate anyone - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship. Rehabilitation requires an individual's deep personal commitment, consistently, and over time."

This quote strikes a cord in me today. I am puzzling over the most healthy way to relate to those close to me on a daily basis. For today I will put myself60 first, then dh65, gd11 and finally DD30. The ages are important as there are 3 stages of life in this family picture. Gd is the same as another daughter in this picture as we have raised her from infancy. DD30 is like an older sister. They have all the jealousy and rivalries of siblings much more than mom/daughter. I often find that I have cast myself in the emotional caretaker role for everyone whether they need it or not. My awareness of this role shows me how unhealthy it is, even to some extent with gd. And it is slowly killing me with medical issues.

I have been working through all this deligently for about 7 years. DD was dx BPD at age 23 in 2009. I have detached from her in many ways over this time, even to the point of setting her out homeless due to violent behavior. I think I am coming to a point of accepting again that she is who she is and there is a real possibility she will continue on her current path for a long time. So how am I planning to manage my life around this? She will always be a part of our family. It is too miserable to go no contact -- she does not stay away and is loud about always living close to us when not living with us. So how am I planning to manage my life around this?

Heck, I want to live my life, not manage it. I desire to enjoy gd as she grows into a confident young woman. I can see that potential in her. She and I have a pretty good connection good times or bad. All the tools and skills learned here and in other supportive environments work with her. She has intense anxiety issues and we continue to work in individual and family therapy on those.

Dh and I are approaching retirement and we need to be strong in our marriage to find the joys in this time as a couple. I put this last so much of the time. Needs to be near the top.

There is lots that I want to give back too. Here and in other supportive groups in my life. This is important!

It is easy to put DD's neediness as first and damage all the rest. She has to do the work of her life and I have to let her. Sure wish she could manage to live independently -- she has not found any success with that yet and it is financailly expensive to keep trying.  Allowing her to occupy part of our house may cost less money but takes a bigger emotional toll. I think this is a rough ride and I feel seasick.

Hebrews12 thanks for offering this quote. I have been gone from this forum for awhile and think it is good to be back.

qcr Carol

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Hebrews12,

I too have a step-daughter(35) and find it infinitely easier to only have her visit here and there and to stay in touch via phone.

We also have had several times in our lives when we were living in proximity or even together, those were very hard times, especially because we didn't know about BPD then.

I understand how you feel, and truthfully, have felt that way myself.

My answer to you would be this: I don't think that your thinking excludes your daughter from your life per se. That's how you used to deal with persons w/PD - that's the easier way, and you can always take it.

However, as you continue to grow, heal, and learn more skills, you might find a middle road - a road where you aren't necessarily THE emotional caretaker, a road where you keep strong reasonable boundaries, AND at the same time are there for your step-daughter to a degree/level that you can handle (which is always going to be less than she would like, and that's ok).

Does that sound like something you would be able to and willing to handle at this point in your life?

[Hebrews12]

  Thank you, pessim-optimist, qcarolr, Huat,and Lollipop ,  for all of your candid and touching responses.  I really appreciate your support. 

You've allowed me to see into your lives and glean what I can.  Thank you.  It is nice to meet you all.

I am trying hard to not allow my emotions to make long term decisions for me.  And being able to process emotions here and have them heard and reflected back with real life examples, calms me down and makes me feel stronger.  The whole "I am not alone" revelations tends to be quite uplifting for me. 

I know my daughter fears that I will go NC on her and that brings in all kinds of trust issues that exacerbates the BPD spiral.  I have gone nc on her before for several years.  When she first moved out to where she is now, I think we went two years with really minimal contact.  The first family vacation they took out here we met at a park and I played with the kids and she and her brothers and father and husband all chatted while I kept neutrally involved.  It was awkward as hell, but it broke the ice and we slowly began talking again.  But, to be completely honest, I preferred the no contact.

I disagree with so many of the life choices she has made.  And, there is no way for me to have a rational conversation about our differences.  My sons have made decisions that I have disagreed with openly, but with the understanding of, it's your life do what you got to do.  Some of the things have worked out great, others haven't, and we've all learned that we can agree to disagree, stay in a mutually loving relationship, move past a hurt, revisit, whatever needs to happen.  But to do that with daughter is pie in the sky dreaming.   I guess I am in one way, grieving my loss of a "normal" <what's that> relationship with my daughter and I vacillate between the grieving stages.  Anger, denial, anger, fear, blame, acceptance, anger, bargaining, shock.  They flip around like the pages of an open book next to a drafty window.  Never really settling down.

I would really like to be in a place where I can not fear for her as she lives her life making extreme emotional decisions.  It was easier to do when she was out of state.  The beautiful peace of too many miles between us to be of use to her.

I know I need to buck up and strap on my boots and get ready to wade through the poop of my own bad habits, learn some new tools, use said tools, grow a spine and maintain my boundaries.

But dammit.  sigh. 

I want to live in peace with my husband as we enter our emptying the nest of the last fledgling stage of life where we get to prepare and orient ourselves for a happy retirement, enjoy the little things in life that bring us so much joy.  That is where I want my focus, my primary effort to be.  I have so much to learn about just that stuff. 

qcarolr, you listed your priorities and it made me think that I need to sit down and write up a "pace yourself" letter to myself.  I am finite, I only have so many hours in a day, and I don't want to spend them all in one activity.  I need to give myself permission to not make her the number 1 priority in my life -a position she unconsciously covets yet hates.  It will help me remember who has control over me.  >ME< 

I really appreciate all of you sharing your success with coping with your BPD loved ones.  Thank you, I will be processing and gleaning from all of this for days.   

hebrews12