Understanding a BPD and what they want from their partner

[KarmasReal]

Anyone here ever had a BPD ex who told you exactly what not to be, as in how not to act while being in a relationship with them. I'll give you a few strange examples that have me wondering if my exBPD was somehow self aware, even though I've been led to believe most are not.

Throughout the first I don't know 6 months of our relationship she said several things to me that our classic signs of a non,s behavior in a BPD relationship.

First she told me not to be a white knight and that she didn't want me to rescue her. Second she use to say she needed to be controlled, and told what to do more in a relationship. And third she told me she liked it when I was more of a jerk to her than the lovey dovey way we were in the beginning. She also said herself she's an alcoholic, never did anything about it though.

So for the last year of our relationship I never fit the bill really for how Non's in BPD relationships go. I was called her out on her behavior, I should up for myself, I didn't let her get the upper hand in things. I rarely let it show when she would try to push my buttons. I was almost cold hearted in ways.

I feel like everything she said and did was to manipulate me down this path, just like she did to her ex husband. But I don't know why she would do that? Isn't that the type that keeps a BPD "in line" for lack of a better term?

Looking back as best I can the only real mistake on my part was I was constantly staying with her and called her once a night every night, I don't know if calling once a night is too much or not, didn't seem to me it was. And really most of the time I called or was staying was 50 percent because I wanted our relationship to go to the next level and 50 percent because she cheated on me once and my trust was severely damaged in her. Other than that I wasn't weak, I told her how it was, I was strong and silent, if she pushed me I pushed back or left, and she still managed to blow up everything in my face.

If I had been weaker like I was in the beginning I don't think we could have lasted more than a couple of months instead of another year. I still can't come to terms with what this manipulations point was on her part?

I know she did the same things to her ex, but they were together for a little over 5 years, how did they make it 3 times longer than me? Was it because they were married and had a kid together? If there's somebody new, how is it they are making it when she went from loving me to less than a month later basically could care less what she did or said?

I know all relationships are different but a pwBPD is a pwBPD so what makes the difference in how long a relationship lasts or how it goes? Is it the other person? How much they bring to the table i.e. Money or success or looks or intelligence. Or is it how much a person will put up with? I know at a core compatibility my and my ex were very similar. She said the day we broke up that she loved our friendship and she loved our intimate relationship, "sex" was the word she used though. So forgive me but aren't those the very basis of a romantic relationship? Then how did she not love me and us? Sorry for how all over the place this post is just a bunch of thoughts rattling around tonight.

Thanks guys

[sweet tooth]

Mine told me not to pressure her or she'd run away. I didn't, until I was devalued. I told her how much I care about her and she dropped me like trash. So yea, she told me what not to do in a sense. Guess what? When I gave her what she wanted it still wasn't good enough.

[troisette]

I was told, right from start, that if we ever argued our relationship would end.

At the time I found this a strange thing to say, and controlling. But I accepted it! We did argue; once, and it ended. With hindsight,I think he knew from past experience that conflict would cause dysregulation - and it did. He was protecting himself.

Wondering why your relationship with her didn't last as long is fruitless Kharma; you'll probably never know but it doesn't indicate anything other than it was shorter. This isn't a reflection on you, it's just what it is.

I used to have the same sort of ruminations, but eventually I got to the point of realising that it was what it was: BPD and that I needed to start looking at myself and wondering why I'd gone along with a relationship that didn't allow arguments. That's a question that led me to helpful insights.  

[NCEA]

Don't pressure, don't push, don't chase.

[freemanstrut]

The simplest respose I can think of is, "everything, and they will be unhappy when they get it."

[rfriesen]

Hi Karma, I can only speak to my experience over a year and a half with my BPD ex, but I can see now that she wants contradictory things. My ex also told me she liked when I controlled her inappropriate behaviour (e.g. graphic sexual innuendo with her best friend's husband). She said she loved having a boyfriend who will take her aside and firmly tell her when she's crossing a line. So on the one hand she wants something like a father figure, or at least to be parented. On the other hand, she also told me she loves sarcasm, and in general it's obvious she loves rebelling against any authority figure. So if she's with someone who parents her too much, who acts "like an adult", she'll get bored, rebellious, and go find someone to fool around with on the side. To her credit, my ex actually had some insight on this as well -- she said that growing up with two older sisters, she used to watch her dad and one sister be sarcastic and mean towards her mom and other sister, and she told herself she always wanted to be on the side of those who are laughing, not those who get hurt. So she's terrified of believing in sincere emotional commitment and will always play games.

So, basically, it doesn't necessarily help when they have insight into what they want, because they have no coherent picture of what they want. No matter how you act, it's going to frustrate or disappoint them, and they'll lash out, or look elsewhere. That's my experience at least. Of course, insight would help if they're willing to do something with it, and I have no doubt there are some success stories of people actually getting through to their BPD partners and finding a way to make things work (as attested by posters on other boards on the website). But I firmly believe that in the case of my ex, it was impossible, because she had no interest in changing. She somehow knows that what she wants is hopeless -- when I finally and definitively ended things, she said "this was always bound to happen" -- but she has no real interest in trying to change. She put everything on me. And even though she had repeatedly and desperately insisted she "would do anything to make things work", when I later asked her whether she ever thought of ways she might have acted differently, she said, "I haven't really done much introspection. It hurts too much to think about."

So, again, my ex has plenty of insight, I think, into some of her problems and the pain she goes through. She just can't be bothered to do anything about it. She seems resigned to live on the crazy emotional rollercoaster she rides -- another point that she acknowledges. But her acknowledgment always comes at a general level - yes, she accepts she's "fiery" and a "love and sex addict" and that she runs through broken relationships that break her own heart ... .but if I ever try to talk about a specific situation where things went wrong, she'll find a way to blame it all on me, or to move the conversation to a topic where she blames me. I never really got anywhere with her.

[Confused108]

My Ex wanted to "keep things as real as possible" whatever the hell that meant. Also not to try and control anything. Like let destiny guide us. I was like Wtf? And God forbid she feel a little pressure in the relationship she shut down .

[rfriesen]

Confused - yeah my ex started off like that -- she wrote me a letter saying she didn't want to put any pressure on me and that we should just continue together "as long as we both enjoy being together". She repeated that to me several times in the first few months. Then, as things got more serious and she became more controlling, she started putting more and more pressure to lock down a future together, to promise her I'd never leave. ("Promise me that you'll never see leaving as an option" -- in hindsight, man, those are chilling words!) When I eventually told her I couldn't continue, all hell broke loose and she just tore me apart for months with guilt, shame, love, sex, tears, pain, hate, love again, hate again, anger and hate ... .the whole shebang.

Obviously, I'm responsible for the part I played and for being willing to string things along for as long as I did. But I had never confronted anything like it --- the depth of the pain and hurt she expressed were killing me. Until she started alternating between desperately pulling me in, and suddenly discarding me (all the while looking for replacements -- which I didn't realise until months later).

I think they often says things - "let's just stay together as long as it's fun" - knowing that they'll ultimately act in the exact opposite way of what they're saying. That's what messes with our minds so much. I was completely and utterly disoriented by the end.

[Cynthia]

In my case 35 years, I am sure alot of the reason it went on so long was because I put up with so much crap(17 when we met). I made excuses for him, his traumatic childhood, not having a mom around (she suffered from schizophrenia). I used to refer to him as having one of his tantrums again. Each time something happened he was able to somehow explain/rationalize things, or was I just gullible ?

In the last few years he was on a steady decline, the last 2 years life in our house were not good for any of us. I was completely  stressed, under financial pressure to pay debts. This became a major issue I obviously was then bad guy for telling him we needed to do something.

He took himself to the doctors 2 years ago feeling suicidal, we went back for weeks trying to get him to start medication & counseling. He refused, once again drawing on his anger to pull through.

Other family members were staying in their rooms way too much to avoid conflict. Our youngest seemed to take the brunt of his anger (I think he was jealous  of the the amount of my time she took up), he couldn't  deal with normal teenage issues he over reacted to everything. She developed self esteem  issues, an eating disorder and took some pills which traumatized us all and brought me to realize how toxic and disfunctional our family was.

And he seemed to want to make me angry it's like he wanted me to lash out so he could say look see its her she's crazy angry & mean !  Which depending on the day was completely the opposite of what he had told me. He loved me, I was the person he trusted most and he didn't deserve me even as we were on the way to the crisis centre the day I asked him to leave.

Of course he didn't stay away for long (3 weeks), that was the day the girls and I went to the shelter.

I have been away 5 months been through every emotion there is and then some,  Just when I think I'm getting it together bam I'm in floods of tears or having an anxiety  attack. I know things will get better on my good days I know this, but WOW I never imagined how hard it would be.

[Rannan]

First she told me not to be a white knight and that she didn't want me to rescue her. Second she use to say she needed to be controlled, and told what to do more in a relationship. And third she told me she liked it when I was more of a jerk to her than the lovey dovey way we were in the beginning. She also said herself she's an alcoholic, never did anything about it though.

This sounds very similar to what my ex lover of 10 years would tell me. She would insist that she needed to be dominated and led around, and when she would go on her raging sprees that I should physically pin her down and control her, even going so far as to hit her if she crosses me too badly. I too tried to adjust myself to suit her needs, even against my nature. It would work the first couple times because I could see the shock in her eyes that I was doing something so 'different' that it would knock her out of her raging haze, but after the novelty wore off trying to follow through with what she asked for simply caused her to rebel and fight against me harder; hitting me, biting me, knifing me, etc. I think, as others have suggested in this thread, that she ultimately was looking for a father figure to take care of her and alleviate her of personal responsibility, but she has a very strange, love/hate relationship with her father, and when she hates, she hates with all her soul. The things this woman did to me over the years still leave me with bouts of anxiety, and the scars serve as constant reminders and enforcers that I walked through hell and made it out alive.

I would put little stock into what a pwBPD claims they want. They have no frame of reference to form a coherent idea of what they want or need to be happy, and will simply flail about their whole life, grasping at anything and anyone to keep them from sinking or being lonely. Giving me objectives or behaviors to change or trying to make me somebody I'm not kept me busy, and it kept me constantly trying in the relationship; she fed off of the emotional energy I poured into the relationship and as long as she dangled the carrot, I would continue the chase.

I'm not entirely sure why we lasted as long as we did. We met each other online when I was 13 and she was 11. We shared a long-distance relationship for the majority of our time together and met in person five years later. After that it was several trips back and forth to her country or her to mine, some trips lasting as long as 6 months. Perhaps not being subject to her abuse 24/7 and her being triggered less due to my lack of presence prolonged the relationship beyond its natural cycle, or maybe because we were both childhood friends who found each other and bonded when we were young and her illness had yet to fully manifest (A very real story of the lonely child and the abandoned child at that point in time). I don't think I'll ever know. All I know is that with all our history and all the love she proclaimed for me over the years, she had my replacement lined up the day after our separation, moving on without skipping a beat.

But don't worry, I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad guy who expected too much... .like not being physically abused and tormented, or stabbed, or choked, or bitten, or fingers twisted, or noses headbutted.