I'm freaking out...

[atomic popsicles]

I am hoping it's ok to post this; I am so worried and wondered how you all have handled this fear. I am really worried I will never be in a relationship or have sex again. Maybe I'm finding things to worry about, but it seems like a very real fear.

[Dhand77]

I am hoping it's ok to post this; I am so worried and wondered how you all have handled this fear. I am really worried I will never be in a relationship or have sex again. Maybe I'm finding things to worry about, but it seems like a very real fear.

You will totally get laid again. Lol.

I get the feeling though. 6 months ago I thought the same thing. We'll all get laid again eventually. I suggest just focusing on you. A rebound isn't going to help as much as healing will.

[heartandwhole]

Hi atomic popsicles,

You are not alone! I know I've felt anxious about the thought that I might be alone the rest of my life (without a romantic partner).  I refer to it as catastrophizing, and it feels terrible when it's happening.

Since none of us can predict the future, though, and since I've seen a lot of evidence around other people's relationships that refutes this thought, this kind of thinking is happening less and less.

What if you didn't put any energy at all into this thought when it floated into your consciousness? How would you feel if it somehow couldn't even appear in your mind?

For example, when I don't attach to the thought, I feel free and open to lots of possibilities. I remain centered in the present and am curious about the future. There isn't a cognitive distortion limiting my future and messing up my present, if that makes sense.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[atomic popsicles]

Dhand77- you put it better than I could

heartandwhole- I think you're exactly right... .I just don't know how to do that.

[woundedPhoenix]

I am hoping it's ok to post this; I am so worried and wondered how you all have handled this fear. I am really worried I will never be in a relationship or have sex again. Maybe I'm finding things to worry about, but it seems like a very real fear.

I am in the same place at times.

Rationally i know this all will pass, but emotionally it feels like i am cursed by this BPD bang on the head:

a horrible devaluation and a slow but disrespectfull discard.

For me the key is this: intuitively i knew what was going on and that no good would come of it. but somehow i kept fooling myself and held on going in for more, further breaking down my self esteem and positive spirit every time.

I am afraid to trust again, and its not only towards any new person in my life, its also that i need to start trusting myself again in this.

So, I made a promise to myself to follow my intuition ruthlessly, and consider my fears as a mostly chemical reaction to the toxic experience i went through.

And that helps.

[flourdust]

I handle this by taking things one step at a time.

First step -- get the divorce done.

Second step -- build a stable life for myself and my daughter.

Third step -- attend to my health, physical and mental.

Fourth step -- consider ... .very cautiously ... .getting back into dating.

I've set myself a firm rule that there will be no dating until at least one year from now. No peeking at dating websites, no flirting, none of that stuff. I need to rebuild my life first, take care of my daughter, and get myself to a healthy place.

Even if I was to try to date now, it would be a mess. I'm in no shape to be a healthy partner of any kind. I deserve better, my kid deserves better, the women of the world deserve better... . 

[heartandwhole]

heartandwhole- I think you're exactly right... .I just don't know how to do that.

You could inquire into your thoughts—can you really know that they are true? What evidence do you have?

Also, you can be the observer of your thoughts, witnessing the distance between you and thoughts (that simply appear and disappear constantly). Their power to evoke feelings in you lies in your attachment and belief in them. It can be enlightening to just notice that... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey atomic, another approach might be to let go of the outcome -- having sex -- and focus on the process, i.e., finding someone that you find attractive with whom you can be yourself.  If you find that person, then it follows that sex will likely be a part of your r/s, but not the only benefit.  Suggest you pay attention when you cross paths with someone you find intriguing.  Be mindful when something seems to click.  Look for sparks.  Make your life a journey towards authenticity.  Listen to your gut feelings.  You get the idea.

LuckyJim

[seenr]

My well-wishing parents, siblings etc are all saying ‘move on’ and ‘find someone new’ but that is hard to hear.

Like the original poster said, I’m wondering if I will ever have sex again or if I will ever connect with another female. It is weird as I’m told I’m not a bad looking man & since turning 40 I have shed a lot of weight and spend a lot of time in the gym which is paying off. Previously, I used to drink, but since my Son has been born I don’t want to be that person any more. I want to be fit & healthy in mind & body for me & him.

I know myself the vibes I’m giving off are very troubled, almost depressed, so like was mentioned in the thread, I’m thinking that maybe time away completely from dating etc is the way forward. I have my Son every second weekend & love that time with him, but then the weekends I don’t have him, I am faced with 48 hours of absolutely alone time. I try to do things to fill that time but it is difficult as most of my friends etc are married and don’t have time to meet. But all I can do is follow my heart – I don’t feel like going out, drinking or meeting people. I feel like being alone, thinking & healing.

I have read that in order to find the person you want, you need to create a mental picture of them. I cannot do that at the moment as my ex still holds that part of me, but I know I need to. I also know I need to place less emphasis on looks and more on how I feel being around someone. It is going to take time and the problem is in that time, my ex could have gone on 10 dates, think they are not who she wants & be back looking to re-unite with me again. Even the day before she pulled the plug, she did say that ‘maybe there is hope for us if we lived apart & went for counselling’. What I would like to do, is to be in a headspace in the next couple of months where I am ready to simply say ‘no thanks’ as many friends & family think she will come back.

I find the thoughts of kissing anyone else to be somewhat offputting and the thoughts of sex with anyone else scare me. Us men are meant to be red blooded and want to be with any female going but I’m not feeling that way. Then I think ’42 and time is flying by’ and wonder am I just wasting so much time. But I guess you can’t make the sexual organs want something that the heart is simply saying ‘noo to’.

Weird – after the last major breakup with a non-BPD partner, two months later I was meeting someone new. NPD/BPD partners can just suck the life out of us & leave a shell behind.