Got to the point of wanting to end it, and did

[TheBPDVictim]

    I have over 10 years of dealing with my BPD wife and just got to the point of wanting to end it, and did. Don't get me wrong I have thought about it for a long time, but always wanted to give it another try. There has been always an excuse,  kids, maybe she did not understand, ohh it's not a big deal, we'll get over it etc... .There were good times as well, if it were not for those I don't think I would have lasted this long.

  I hope this helps someone. It is OK to feel bad and sorry for them and it is fine. (Please excuse my harsh words here). Same as you would feel for a rabid dog, you would feel sad for it too, but you would't go pet it. You have to ask yourself why is this different? Is it because you love and share the same bed with this person? what does this say about you? What about yourself, who is thinking about you? and your self respect?

  I have gone though verbal and physical abuse with her. The humiliation, degrading and physical attacks have been for the last 3 years. And looking back at what has changed. It's simple, I have stopped being assertive. I have just gotten tired of it. Please understand that being assertive has nothing to do with being aggressive and abusive. The way I was assertive is to express my point and get the hell out cool down and let her cool down too. Discussions reasoning did not help at all. Being assertive did.

  My story is way to long to express here. But it suffice to say that after she cheated on me and the cheating got exposed to her family,and after she thought that I was about to leave, out of revenge she send me to jail under accusations of abuse. Those charges got dropped. I sat on recorded evidence that would have exonerated myself a lot faster,recorded blackmail, recorded planned threads to just do that to me (send me to jail), and I did not take those threats serious, and did not use that recorded evidence because I did not want to send the mother of my kids to jail, and she kept apologizing for it, it seemed truthful. Even after the charges I got back with her. Now you tell me who has more issues myself or her? I have questioned myself numerous time as to what the hell is wrong with me for allowing that, got worth thousands of dollars help from counselors. I have learned but does not seem to be enough.

 Here is small view into what went on. She could verbally abuse me, physically hit, grab a knife threaten me with it, threaten my life, all this in front of the kids, and at the same time scream abuse on her. The reason for her screaming abuse, and in her mind feel justified to do that to me, could be as simple as I looked at her a certain way. It could really be anything, there are so many things that I can't remember. I have hours of audio recordings of threats and abuse from her. And the reason I have not left, frankly, I don't know maybe she scared me to submission with everything.

Here is what I have learned about BPD. First advice would be don't get involved with one at all, if you did get out.

You can't relate to her experience and if you are normal you are not supposed to. I tried for over a decade, I understand it but can't relate to it at all. There is not point to even try. And why does it even matter what is being said, just look at the facts as to what is happening.

Assume every time they open their mouth that it's a lie.

I personally view BPD as an emotional Psychopath. Nothing more or less than that. They are always ready to do anything possible to get what the desire is at the moment without regard for anything else. I don't care how bad they feel, because if they actually felt bad they would not repeat.

  All the hope and good signs won't change BPD. Reasoning or anything else won't change BPD. None of the BS out there works. You can't reason with it. Sure there are lucid times where you say hallelujah things have changed. Good times. Don't fool yourself. In order to achieve that they need DBT therapy and they need to deal with core issues. Which in a BPD is impossible, because they won't accept ever that there is something wrong. There might be fleeting times that they might recognize that, and seek help for it, when they are in a lucid state, but that won't last long.



  My experience tells me that they project a lot, or at least mine does. Listen to those accusations, because most likely she is accusing you of whatever she did or wants to do. One way I have coped with it, is stand your ground loud and simple and get out, don't hang around for the toxic BS. Give her time to relax and most important you need to relax and get away from the abuse.

 Frankly, It does not matter what happens or how for her/him to verbally or physically abuse you, abuse is abuse. There is no excuse for it. You have to seek help for yourself as to why you are sticking around for it, why you made that choice. Recognize it so you can heal and don't repeat the same mistake again.

    To be blunt I have years of experience with mine and my only regret is as to why I didn't leave earlier. See though all the BS they are no more than psychopaths who are emotional. Everything will go if you allow it. And if you think that you're in no danger, and it's just empty threats, think again.

 If it helps a single person it would be enough.

Ohh one last thing. If you were to meet her. She seems such a nice thing, sweet shy and very polite. Not a hint of anger or rage. If you'd meet her she you'd say she could not hurt a fly. That is the way that even my family saw her. When she put me in jail, She made me a villain by talking to my family about the "abuse". It worked until they heard the recordings and my kids talk.

[Turkish]

I have hours of audio recordings of threats and abuse from her. And the reason I have not left, frankly, I don't know maybe she scared me to submission with everything.

So you and the kids are still with her? That's a long history of violent abuse.  Do you have a plan?

[heartandwhole]

Hi BPDVictim,

Welcome to the forum. You have been through so much! I'm sorry, that kind of constant stress must have worn you down to the extreme.

How did you manage to end the relationship? How are your children coping?

heartandwhole

[TheBPDVictim]

I have hours of audio recordings of threats and abuse from her. And the reason I have not left, frankly, I don't know maybe she scared me to submission with everything.

So you and the kids are still with her? That's a long history of violent abuse.  Do you have a plan?

Yes use those recordings to remind myself of the bad times, until I fully recover, and use those in the custody battle ahead. I am not leaving them behind for long.

[TheBPDVictim]

How did you manage to end the relationship? How are your children coping?

I Used a time when she was visiting her relatives to find another apartment and move the hell out. The kids knew. They were fully supportive of it. I've been told by my kids that they are worried that she might kill me. Can you imagine that? How sad is that? I think that was the deciding factor when they told me that.

As expected they are sad but very supportive and understanding. I expect a ___ storm ahead.

[LilMe]

Welcome TheBPDVictim  

I am sorry you have been through such a hard time, but so glad you found us.  I left a 10 year relationship with an uBPD man in April.  I don't think I would be out or sane if not for the help and support on this website!

My uBPD also abused the children, so they are with me full time until we can get supervised visitation.  It is befuddling to me to try to understand the things he does!  He is holding everything I own hostage (and all of the children's things too!)  and has now started calling the child abuse hotline on me (3 times so far).  Luckily, they have figured out it is him and not me and are working to help protect us.  I cannot imagine how people can be so evil and mean and think they are totally justified and that there is nothing wrong with them!  And how messed up I must be for caring!  I also have recordings of his raging, but cannot listen to them.  It is just too hard to go back there.  It is almost like there is just black behind me, if that makes any sense!  When I think of him or see him I feel so sad for him it is overwhelming.

This is a wonderful place to vent and get advice.  Please visit the legal board!  They have amazing knowledge and experience.  Also read Bill Eddy's book Splitting.  You need all the ammunition you get.  :)on't forget also that your children will need help coping and support with the rough times past and ahead.  I am thankful I got mine into counseling immediately when I left.  There weren't any problems initially, but they are now having some issues dealing with the crazy aftermath and lots of fears surrounding their father.  I am glad I have help with them!

I look forward to hearing more of your story and watching you heal and bloom  

[bunny4523]

BPD Victim,

I am so happy for you that you got out.  Your story is heartwrenching and I know it isn't over because you still have the kids to protect.  Thank you for sharing your story in a very strategic and calm way.  It was really affirming to me because you did it without anger. 

Take care and best wishes,

Bunny