Let it be tomorrow

[FallBack!Monster]

I'm confused. I know she is toxic for me. I never really wanted a relationship. She grew on me fast. From the first day when she came over uninvited and didn't leave for 4 month.  Then started disappearing but always during times when we were doing okay. I wanted her gone.  She was just too much. I always felt I had to keep an eye on her around my stuff; idk why. I just did. I never trusted her. She was fun to hangout with, but I just don't like people in my personal space. Even if I asked her she wouldn't leave.  After a night of fun, she would ask me to drive her home. At first I hoped she was finally just going to stay home for a bit bc I needed for things to get back to normal for me.  She never did.  it turned into me just always driving her home to get some clean clothes.  She practically bullied her way into my home and my life. I didn't like it at all. But she kept me smiling and yes she did say lots of nice things and yes it was nice to hear.  but i'm not the type to fall for sweet words.  Not even from her. However, I remember thinking that no one has ever express that much love for me.  ha ha ha.  The thing is, she was strange acting, so every time I saw something weird in her I would look it up.  BP and BPD was a direct hit.  She never admitted to me that she was diagnose with BPD but it is just so obvious. Now when I talk about it, she doesn't want to discuss it.  I might have been the reason why she recently went for some blood work. I think I opened her eyes to it by pointing out certain behaviors patterns and sending her links to read, while at the same time telling her that I love her.  I say that to be clear that I wasn't playing Dr. I told her that if it was me I'd like to know. She is a very smart woman so I knew she got curious and checked.  At least she doesn't have to spend the rest of her life wondering why she feels like crap and so different from how she perceives other people are. Anyway, after all that drama, that I wrote above,... .After me asking her to give me back my life on numerous occasions, I miss the pain in the a** a lot. I'm sure we don't have a future together as a couple, but I miss having "her" as a hangout partner.  I know she cheated on me even though she won't admit to it. It's okay, its not killing me. She actually stopped coming around all together about 5 months ago.  However, she still texts me "at least" once a day. No conversation, just greetings.  I greet back and that's the end of that conversation. Since then, she's asked me over or out for a meal a few time but I decline. I'm glad I have her out of my home bc she did do a lot of emotional destroying and not just to me. But sometimes I miss my buddy.  The person I thought she was; anyway. I'm here b/c I just want her out of my system.  I thought if I joined some group or something the process can be easier.  What I want it to completely not feel any negative or positive emotions for her at all.  Nothing! Like if she text I can ignore it and it won't make me feel sorry for her.  Or if I run into her and she says hi or is with someone else, I don't take it personal.  I'm hoping to soon get to that point.  I had a life before these tumultuous 6 months.  It wasn't years but it felt like it.  BUT... .I'm trying.

[once removed]

hey AudB73 and

im glad you found us. im confident many members here can relate to your story. in fact, the way you describe the beginning of your relationship, moving more quickly than you were comfortable with, and suddenly having a roommate youd prefer not to have, who you dont trust around your stuff, sounds a lot like my own story.

its understandable that you miss your buddy. for one, it sounds like she occupied a great deal of your time and energy, in addition to your space, but ive no doubt you had a strong bond, and its okay to miss her. i spent a lot of time invalidating my own feelings after the breakup, and my healing got a lot easier when i accepted and validated that i was hurt, and i missed my ex.

how do you feel when you speak with her these days?

[FallBack!Monster]

At first when I spoke with her I had hopes for a friendship.  I thought we could hang out, go out to eat, clubs, shopping, stuff like that.  In fact, that's what she asked of me last time I saw her. But right after she stopped coming over, she just changed into what seem to me, well I describe as a monster. She always looks pissed and like she's fighting herself not to be nasty. I feel bad for her at times but I would feel worse for myself if I didn't do what had to be done.  Actually, she wouldn't accept when "I" wanted to break up with her.  I read somewhere that it is best to have them break up with you.  That way stalking can be minimize or no stalking all together. Idk! Also, at first I felt... .damn I love that girl but I couldn't think of what is it that I wanted with her.  It was like I was trying to convince myself that I was in love with her but although I can't say I had the most horrible time with her, I knew that wasn't going to be my future partner. See, I have a problem with lies and that seem to be the ONLY think she could do with no problem. Now, to fully answer your question... .I do think about her a lot. However, I think about her less everyday.  No, I don't blame myself for anything bad that happened.  But I cannot put all the blame on her bc I signed up for the bs.

I am against blaming all that happened on the other person.  In my original post, I stated all the red flags from the very bigging. I "chose" to ignore them.  Why? because I was too busy having a good time with her. Still, I knew that I had to end it bc she wouldn't.  When I say she wouldn't, I mean not for good.  She still keeps in touch with her exs from the damn 1800s.  All of them.  

I miss her face and her smile.  I miss her dancing when she was preparing and or eating food.  I miss those things. You talk about me NOT validating my feelings... .I do feel hurt, but idk what is it that i'm suppose to feel hurt for.  I knew the woman was "different".  She never denied it. How different? well, that was what I was hanging around to find out.

It would have been nice if all the crap she talked about could have came through but it didn't.  Maybe I am not as hurt as you feel I should be bc she still keeps in touch with me and she didn't just disappear like I'm sure she's capable of.  Maybe if she had done that, it would have hurt me but I expected her to go MIA one day bc that was always her M.O.  when she came back, that's when I was surprise.  

I know this all sounds as if I am playing strong, but I don't believe we had a real bond.  One of the first things she shared with me was that it was hard for her to fall in love.  When I said why, she said because "I don't feel feelings".  Of course I questioned it. She explained that sometimes she feels numb. One more thing, bc she was acting annoying from day one I even told her... .if you don't know what to do copy me then.  I know it sounds weird, but I didn't mean it the way it sounded.  I meant... .this is how you treat people like me.  But I have no complaints about the way she expressed love to me.  Little did I know that what I was enjoying was my own style of expressing love.

When she calls, I feel like we are strangers.  Last time I saw her, she just looks like a different person to me and it has not been that long since we broke it off.  Sometimes I feel hurt but I don't know for what.  I actually got what I wanted.  She left me alone.  I just miss her silliness.  that's all. Hopefully soon I won't miss my buddy that much.  But I needed my real life back.

[once removed]

I read somewhere that it is best to have them break up with you.  That way stalking can be minimize or no stalking all together. Idk!

there is a lot of truth to that. i dont know if one is "better" than the other, it probably depends on each persons circumstances. i couldnt pull the rope with my ex, she broke up with me, and i dont regret that. i suspect if id broken up with her, id still have been just as devastated when she jumped in a new relationship, and id been riddled with doubt... .probably would have behaved differently.

AudB73, theres a lot that you say here that suggests to me you have a pretty good head on your shoulders about all of this. when you say youd feel worse for yourself if you didnt do what has to be done, i think thats being true to yourself and your values. youre also taking responsible by not placing blame and accepting you "signed up for the bs". its a good attitude that i think will aid you in your detaching process.

when i talk about not validating your feelings, i just mean that feelings, in and of themselves, are never "wrong", they just "are", and its okay to have them. you may wonder what the point of feeling hurt is, because you figure you shouldnt have been surprised. i get that. that doesnt mean that your feelings are wrong, or that they cant teach you something about your situation and/or yourself. also, i dont feel that you should be more or less hurt than you are.

I know this all sounds as if I am playing strong, but I don't believe we had a real bond. 

i understand you completely. when i say "strong bond", that doesnt necessarily have to equal what you consider a "real bond". i feel similarly about my ex. people with BPD generally cant form secure attachments, or "bonds". she essentially communicated as much from what you describe.

I miss her face and her smile.  I miss her dancing when she was preparing and or eating food.  I miss those things.

... .

One more thing, bc she was acting annoying from day one I even told her... .if you don't know what to do copy me then.  I know it sounds weird, but I didn't mean it the way it sounded.  I meant... .this is how you treat people like me.  But I have no complaints about the way she expressed love to me.  Little did I know that what I was enjoying was my own style of expressing love.

this is very insightful, AudB73, and i can relate myself. a person with BPD lacks a stable sense of self. they attach as a way of seeking a sense of self. of course, this is not sustainable either, for either party; the person with BPD will, once triggered, feel a sense of engulfment and deep resentment at you and themselves, for their failure to attach (not necessarily consciously). im embarrassed to say that i used to essentially boil down my love for my ex as "because she loves me". it sounds like this relationship made you feel alive in some way, or filled some void. what do you think?

ps. to clarify, you say she changed into what youd describe as a monster. is that an ongoing thing when you speak to her?

[FallBack!Monster]

"you say she changed into what youd describe as a monster. is that an ongoing thing when you speak to her?"


once removed  - To answer your question... .No.  What I actually meant is that her sweet face and voice.  The act that she could no longer keep together, suddenly disappeared. I liked her because she acted sweet, naive, shy, at the same time she knew what to do when the time came for her to do something.

It's like I woke up.  She suddenly looked mean, deceitful, and her aura to me was as if i had a monster sitting next to me.  I never made a comment to her, but that's how I felt one day we were in my car.  That's the moment that I realized the illusion was gone. Why? because the smoke had just cleared and I could see her for who she is inside.  Poor thing!

To comment on something you mentioned about me having a good head on my shoulders, and good insight.  That might be true but it comes from about 2 years of reading about BiPD, BPD, and Aspergers. I had to.

When I met her a year ago, I began to read about sociopaths.  Before that I knew nothing about it.  What made me stumble upon all the above illnesses and disorders, was a couple of things... .

1... .I just had to understand.  I thought there's no way someone would go through all this trouble just to hurt "me", trick me, or fool me.

2... .The lies.  In general, her behavior.  I mean what grown ass woman lies so much about silly things.

3... .I had to find a way to make me not feel stupid for trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.  I believe that peoples behaviors is usually a reflection of themselves.  None of that has to do with you. I planned to get answers (for my self) to the above statement and I did.

I have read countless post in many different forums.  Watch plenty of videos.  Including videos by people with BPD, BiPD, Aspergers, PTSD. I Read the DSM descriptions (which I won't comment on that bible). I did my homework.

It does bother me.  I wish it wasn't so.  I wish she wasn't, or anyone had to suffer from something so horrible.  How horrible that feeling must be.  Hurting so many people that love you and you can't stop yourself.  Harming yourself to get attention from strangers.  Treating your body so nasty and recklessly, as if when you damage that one body, you can just go in the closet and pull out and wear another one.

See what I'm doing there? Let me explain. If I think of myself as the or a victim, it would hurt me like hell. When I decided to educate myself about myself and about what I was going through, and the type of being that I was dealing with, it killed my ignorance.  It worked for me to know.  When you see it that way, some of the pressure comes off of you.  But only if you mean it, and I do.

She is not the only BPD or NPD that I have dealt with in my life. She was the one that helped me (in a way) figure out some things.  I spent time with her but ran from the others.  I wish I could thank her but I don't want to thank her.  I want to just continue to progress in my recovery and keep feeding my new found wisdom about me, life, and the a**holes in it. 

Thanks for reading, commenting, and for the support. 

[FallBack!Monster]

I was re-reading this post and all the comments.  I wonder why it was short. It was healthy for me. It serves as a reminder of how I felt.  It is true that we can sort of forget what we went through and how relieved we felt when it ended.

I also received some very helpful insight. I smiled when I read the replies and mostly when I was reading my OP.

[once removed]

i remember this exchange

four months later, where do you feel you are in the stages of detachment, and the stages of grief?

[FallBack!Monster]

i remember this exchange

four months later, where do you feel you are in the stages of detachment, and the stages of grief?

its only been 4 months? it feels like a year ago.

Thanks for asking. What can I say. I use to ask her plenty of questions. She never could answer so I'm through with wanting to know about her feelings, actions, emotions, why this or why that. or how you see this and that.  who cares is how I feel.

Still at would she try to pop up one day and give me that friendly fake smile as if we're good? or is she really just gone for good and will move away and leave us in this city alone.  She's done that plenty of time.  maybe she still has some people she has not had sex with and that's why she has not left.  who knows.  Well, all the above is where i'm at.  hope that answers your questions... .Oh I still done hate her.  I just think how gross I was and that makes me feel some type of way.  Oh and I don't feel bad at all for her. I just can't.  I use to but I can anymore.  If i wake up one day and can't remember her or my encounter with her, but still keep knowledge of the hard lesson i've learned about a pwBPD, that would be the day for me.  We have not gone 100% NC, but we are not friends.  If i had told you that she's dead to me now, that would mean that I am as sick and as big of a liar as she is.  So there you have it.  that's where I am. 

[once removed]

well, the original post of this thread was about four months ago.

i ask because i see a fair amount of anger in your more recent posts, compared to this one. would you say you are in the anger stage of grief? anger is progress, it can be righteous, and it can be healthy.

what do you mean you think "how gross you were"?

[FallBack!Monster]

well, the original post of this thread was about four months ago.

i ask because i see a fair amount of anger in your more recent posts, compared to this one. would you say you are in the anger stage of grief? anger is progress, it can be righteous, and it can be healthy.

what do you mean you think "how gross you were"?

I meant to not explain how gross I was. I can't remember not being angry. I feel that there is some hidden anger in my OP as well. I might have been just feeling relieved bc I no longer had her in my face 24/7.  I normally wouldn't stop hanging with someone just because they acted weird, especially if they are fun to hang out with.  I just didn't want her in my space.  When she started to stay away, I knew she was going to do her disappearing act. I knew it  because I had already noticed the red flags and had been on this forum every day looking for answers as to why she was behaving in that manner, at her age.

I don't think anger is healthy. It's just an emotion.  Anyway, the anger I think it mostly towards my actions not hers. 

Furthermore, this is the definition that I found for grief... .

Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimension.

Yes its like the person I thought she was is already dead. She no longer exists. She is someone else.  Bond? yea! we did share a lot of laughs and had a good time hanging out.  At least I did but with her everything is fake so who knows.  The last part about [... ."conventional focused on the emotional response to loss ... .] idk... .I JUST KNOW I WAS TRICKED.   

[once removed]

here are the five stages of grief. like recovery, they are not linear, we may go through more than one stage at a time, we can cycle in an out of a stage, or even skip a stage: PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

i found the stages of abandonment a little more useful and relateable, personally: The Five Stages of Abandonment

do these shed any light on where you are in the process?

what actions of yours are you angry about?

[FallBack!Monster]

here are the five stages of grief. like recovery, they are not linear, we may go through more than one stage at a time, we can cycle in an out of a stage, or even skip a stage: PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

i found the stages of abandonment a little more useful and relateable, personally: The Five Stages of Abandonment

do these shed any light on where you are in the process?

what actions of yours are you angry about?

This is the only thing I'm currently comfortable discussing... .Believe it or not I am a focused person.  Angry or not I focus mostly on my faults/imperfections and how to improve on them.  whether I hold resentment or not I still think it is all about me.

I am angry about knowing that BPD are the same with all people who are nice to them and still thinking if she just back off a little we can still go out and have a good time.  I knew she ditched other friends but I'm so special to myself I convinced myself      that it could happened that way... .  .  In general, I convinced myself that words spoken by her could turn out to be true, even after I had read about the disorder.  I think I'm mostly upset at the lies I told myself.  Hers, after reading about all of her disorders, where to be expected.  me... .me... .me... .me.

[once removed]

you might be over generalizing a bit about the disorder; im not sure what you mean by "BPD are the same with all people who are nice to them".

i understand being angry at yourself. the fact is you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. i was angry at myself as well for not having broken up with my ex; if i had i suppose i might not have been cheated on and replaced, though thats speculation. its okay. i knew before we were together that my ex had stolen from her first serious boyfriend, and i believed id be an exception to that as well. i wasnt

we all have many things to learn about ourselves, and from our relationship. it helps to examine them objectively, without judgment or blame, but in terms of what we can do better in the future, in order to go on to have healthier relationships. do you think you can forgive yourself?

[FallBack!Monster]

you might be over generalizing a bit about the disorder; im not sure what you mean by "BPD are the same with all people who are nice to them".

i understand being angry at yourself. the fact is you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. i was angry at myself as well for not having broken up with my ex; if i had i suppose i might not have been cheated on and replaced, though thats speculation. its okay. i knew before we were together that my ex had stolen from her first serious boyfriend, and i believed id be an exception to that as well. i wasnt

we all have many things to learn about ourselves, and from our relationship. it helps to examine them objectively, without judgment or blame, but in terms of what we can do better in the future, in order to go on to have healthier relationships. do you think you can forgive yourself?

My expression of forgiveness is between me and me. For some reason, I don't feel she taught me anything about me. I'm not sure why you believe she should have or that this experience should have taught me who I am.  No it showed me how ill she is and thats it.  My acts of kindness will remain with me until the day I die.  I won't ever let an evil act change who I am.

When I said "BPD are the same with all people who are nice to them". I was talking about people they feel close to.  However, I can only talk in terms of what I have read (most ppl here and in other forums having the exact same experiences), and judging from her saying she had known this person or that person for years... .impersonal relationships. and how her longest relationship was with guys like this... .One I heard him say he didn't give a crap what was going on with her or her life... .She probably went back to seeing him. The other she describe as a long term relationship, but her description of what they had sounds (to me) like he was her pimp.  Anyway, she claimed to had been in love with the one that sounds like her pimp "because he bought her a lot of things." that's what she said... .and that's what I meant.

I hope you understand a bit more exactly where I'm at.  Thanks

[FallBack!Monster]

My expression of forgiveness is between me and me. For some reason, I don't feel she taught me anything about me. I'm not sure why you believe she should have or that this experience should have taught me who I am.  No it showed me how ill she is and thats it.  My acts of kindness will remain with me until the day I die.  I won't ever let an evil act change who I am.

When I said "BPD are the same with all people who are nice to them". I was talking about people they feel close to.  However, I can only talk in terms of what I have read (most ppl here and in other forums having the exact same experiences), and judging from her saying she had known this person or that person for years... .impersonal relationships. and how her longest relationship was with guys like this... .One I heard him say he didn't give a crap what was going on with her or her life... .She probably went back to seeing him. The other she describe as a long term relationship, but her description of what they had sounds (to me) like he was her pimp.  Anyway, she claimed to had been in love with the one that sounds like her pimp "because he bought her a lot of things." that's what she said... .and that's what I meant.

I hope you understand a bit more exactly where I'm at.  Thanks

Audb - I understand you.  Unfortunately, personality styles like this often create problems in a person’s relationships, job, and other social situations, which is why they’re referred to as personality disorders.   Frequently, they also experience problems controlling their own reckless behaviors and often have a fluctuating idea about who they are. Thoughts about other people fluctuate rapidly, as well.

The overall theme for this disorder is rapid and unpredictable changes in a person’s thoughts, moods, behaviors, relationships, and beliefs.  This is caused by two things: their fear of being abandoned and their tendency to quickly idolize and then criticize other people.

People with this disorder are constantly examining their relationships, expecting to be deserted by others because of their own dark shame.  They are ashamed of things they have done in the past, and things they know are capable of doing to you. 

pwBPD might want to trust others, but at the same time, he or she doesn't think other people are trustworthy, because they know that they aren't trustworthy.  All of this confusion can very easily leave a person feeling empty, sad, hollow inside, and with a yearning desire.for someone else's reflection, instead of their own.