The truth

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey guys. As you all know, my BPD husband is also delusional. He went from loving me to hating me pretty quickly. He finally got the restraining order today and texted me quotes from it, and told me goodbye again. I haven't replied.

I realized a few minutes ago that for the past 12 days I have been fooling myself. I think when he said he didn't want to be married and he hates me that was reality for him. I was secretly hoping he would get help and get better and realize he loves me and all the crap he did.  That's not going good to happen. We really are done. 

[atomic popsicles]

Hey guys. As you all know, my BPD husband is also delusional. He went from loving me to hating me pretty quickly. He finally got the restraining order today and texted me quotes from it, and told me goodbye again. I haven't replied.

I realized a few minutes ago that for the past 12 days I have been fooling myself. I think when he said he didn't want to be married and he hates me that was reality for him. I was secretly hoping he would get help and get better and realize he loves me and all the crap he did.  That's not going good to happen. We really are done. 

[Wize]

We really are done. 

It's not true because you tell us.  It's true when you actually believe it. I talk to my family a lot about my stbx wife and my situation with her.  And it does help to just talk about it and get it out there.  But I know that I haven't fully processed the finality of it.  If I had, it wouldn't still hurt so much.  Part of me is still attached to her, part of my heart and soul still clings to her, her memory, her words. 

I can tell the whole world it's over but the fact is, saying it doesn't make it true, it's only true when it becomes true to me.

[C.Stein]

I was secretly hoping he would get help and get better and realize he loves me and all the crap he did.  That's not going good to happen.

I know how that feels.  As much as I want this to happen I have to accept that it won't, at least as long as my ex continues on as she has her entire life.  Even if she were to get help she might not feel any differently towards me.

So how do you feel now after this?  Is this going to help you move forward?

[atomic popsicles]

C. Stein,

I don't have an answer. I sent him a text saying everything I want to say and I blocked him. That felt ok.

I think its harder. Before this I could say, it's the delusions. It's the BPD. Now I am really hurting realizing he really feels that way about me. Realising that feels like I wasn't good enough, and I lost his love, when I was trying as hard as I could to do what he wanted.

[atomic popsicles]

Wize,

I hear what you are saying. I don't want it to be over. I don't want to admit it got toxic not due to the delusions, but just the relationship. Heck, I cant handle that it was toxic at all.  I can't handle that yet. I don't know if it will ever not hurt. I don't think getting over it will make it not hurt.

I'm thinking about how me hanging on makes it somehow not over. I guess that's a functional reason for that thinking. Let me explain what I mean by that. All behavior has a function or the person wouldn't do it. So I think what you are saying is that the function of holding on and hoping is for me, not ending the relationship. So by that token you are saying that when I no longer have those behaviors ( sadness, hurt, reliving, whatever) then that means is really is over for me. Is that correct? I am not there yet... you are right. But if he thinks it's over and lives as if it's over, then for all intents and purposes it is over. That's the part that is killing me right now. I'm nowhere CLOSE to it being the my behavior piece. That could take me YEARS to get there! I think that is what you were saying.

I know this was hard to follow and rambling. I just started understanding what you mean and I am processing it.

[atomic popsicles]

My ex left when I got a restraining order after he completely destroyed my children's bedrooms. He just sent me an email saying he did it on purpose so he could never come back. He is in a delusional psychotic break.

Anyway, I don't know if the email was him rationalizing being out of control, another way to not take responsibility,  or he meant it. Either way, I am a hysterical basket case. I can't take anymore.

I blocked his texts so he sent me an email. I can't block that because I need to know when he is coming to get his things. That email made me feel so not good enough. I did everything I could, and it wasn't enough. I don't want to have divorce #2. He convinced me he would never leave, and made me believe it would work. Now I have 2 divorces. 2. That's just more than I can handle. I don't want to be 45 and alone! I don't want to start over!

[HurtinNW]

My ex left when I got a restraining order after he completely destroyed my children's bedrooms. He just sent me an email saying he did it on purpose so he could never come back. He is in a delusional psychotic break.

Anyway, I don't know if the email was him rationalizing being out of control, another way to not take responsibility,  or he meant it. Either way, I am a hysterical basket case. I can't take anymore.

I blocked his texts so he sent me an email. I can't block that because I need to know when he is coming to get his things. That email made me feel so not good enough. I did everything I could, and it wasn't enough. I don't want to have divorce #2. He convinced me he would never leave, and made me believe it would work. Now I have 2 divorces. 2. That's just more than I can handle. I don't want to be 45 and alone! I don't want to start over!

Just giving you hugs   . I can relate. I'm 48 and don't want to start over, either. But it is better than getting hurt by my abusive ex.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey AP-

I think its harder. Before this I could say, it's the delusions. It's the BPD. Now I am really hurting realizing he really feels that way about me. Realising that feels like I wasn't good enough, and I lost his love, when I was trying as hard as I could to do what he wanted.

I obviously don't know him, but for a standard borderline, someone who doesn't have a fully formed 'self' of their own and attaches to someone to make them "whole", create one psyche out of two, and then constantly fear the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, relationships are inherently unstable.  You sound like you noticed.

And you can't distinguish between him and the BPD, they're one in the same, since order becomes disorder so early in a borderline's development that it gets literally hardwired into the personality; there is no other 'him' there.

And if the relationship failed, it has to be you, because the alternative would be to accept some responsibility for his behavior, which would trigger shame so intense he couldn't deal with it, couldn't soothe it, so pull out the handy projection and make it all you.  That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with reality, and as you've experienced it can turn on a dime too, where suddenly you're the love of his life again.  Inherently unstable and subject to emotional storms he has no control over.

So in the face of all of that, the thing you can control is what you make things mean, starting with it wouldn't have mattered if you were the most amazing human in the history of the universe, things still would have fallen apart because he has a mental illness.  So no point in feeling like a failure yes?  What else can you make things mean right now?

[C.Stein]

I think its harder. Before this I could say, it's the delusions. It's the BPD. Now I am really hurting realizing he really feels that way about me. Realising that feels like I wasn't good enough, and I lost his love, when I was trying as hard as I could to do what he wanted.

I know how you feel AP.  One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with is how easily, completely, coldly and without any apparent remorse or guilt my ex cut me out of her life after 2 years.  I still hurts even now coming up on 11 months since I was introduced to the trash bin.  By all appearances she has projected her "dark side" onto to me, transferring her own internal hate of herself onto me.  I have decided that if this is what she needs to do for her own emotional survival then I accept her hate because I do still love her and probably always will.

Rejections like this are incredibly difficult to understand.  It is one of the unfortunate "side effects" of BPD.  It has helped me to understand where it is all coming from but the pain is still there.  Good news is it does lessen over time.