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[Elyria]

This week I read about BPD for the first time and cried.  I'm not the only one who grew up like this!  I'm 48 and grew up thinking I was lacking in something.  Many counsellors.  Who each helped me in some way, to the point I was able to get married at 30 and even have a child (for many years I didn't think I could be a good parent).  At 22 I moved half way across the country and considered cutting off relationship with all my relatives.  Counsellor helped me to set and maintain boundaries.  Which is exhausting, but worth it. 

My parents are here visiting for a month and the other night my lovely mom told a story of me as a teenager to my teenage daughter.  Loosely based in truth and very unflattering to me.  I sat stone faced and prayed and at the conclusion of the story confirmed the one true fact and changed the subject.  An hour later they left to sleep at their own place.  I unloaded on my husband who doesn't have much interest in this whole subject.  Who can blame him?  Then googled searched  "Why does my mother make up stories about me?" and found out about BPD.  It started out as such a pouty insecure thing and look what I found!  This is real!  And I'm not the only one!  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  But the insight into why my mother would make up such lies - its not to hurt me but to make herself feel better. 

I wish I could help her, but I can't.  I know she won't admit to having any sort of issue.  Mental health issues are a sign of weakness to her.  The first time I went for counselling I was underage and had to get parental permission.  She had a huge fit (what would people think about her?) but my dad signed the paper (I had just returned after leaving home for three days and had made it 300 miles away).  My 14 year old brain realized that  life with my mom for four years to finish high school was better than living on the streets -I lived three days on the street before I sucked it up and went back.

Anyway, there is so much going on in my head.  Just downloaded the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells.  My biggest fear is having such a superficial relationship with my daughter.  Second biggest is that my dad dies first.  My sister and I have agreed that she is not moving in with either of us.  Even if that means second jobs.  I thank God that dad loves her, I believe that things would escalate without him.  The house we live in now is a split level.  We deliberately chose that because she kept telling us she would move in with us when she gets old.  The complaints about going up and down stairs to the washroom is music to my ears.

Right now contemplating telling my sister about this.  Will she find it helpful or tell my mom and start a war?  Do I have the energy for a war?  No. 

Thank you for listening.  Nice meeting all of you.

[Kwamina]

Hi Elyria

Learning about BPD can be quite liberating and validating yet also very overwhelming. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother too and found out the same way you did. I started searching on the internet, I don't remember exactly what I typed but it was something like "my mother sabotages everything I do" or "my mother sabotages/undermines me every step I take".

Having a support network can be invaluable and I am glad you have found your counselor so helpful.

I am sorry you had this recent unpleasant experience with your mother. Her behavior has more to do with her than it does with you, yet even when you know this it is still difficult of course. It sounds like she might be engaged in the BPD behavior known as 'projection':

In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Commonly the projection is an exaggeration of something that has a basis in reality. For example, the borderline may accuse you of "hating" them when you just feel irritated. Sometimes the projection may come entirely from their imagination: for example, they accuse you of flirting with when you were just asking for directions to the shoe department. ~ Randi Kreger

Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to inconsistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well. ~ Elyce M. Benham, M.S.

Do you feel like any of this applies to your mother's behavior? You can read more about projection here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

I think it is very positive that you are now educating yourself about this disorder and are reaching out for support here

You indeed are not alone, many of our members know how incredibly tough it can be having a parent with BPD and will be able to relate to you.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[Panda39]

Hi Elyria,

I want to join Kwamina and welcome you to the BPD Family too. 

Google sure is something... .I input "Chronic Lying" that's how I came across BPD in relation to my SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).  I had been trying to understand her behavior both towards my SO and their 2 daughters.  My next step was to hit the library and overtime I ordered everything on BPD that they had in the system, eventually investing in the purchase of a couple books they didn't have.

I found educating myself was key in understanding the dynamic of the family my SO was in the middle of.  There are many books on the subject and this website has an entire board related to book reviews that you might want to check out when you have time.

Here are a few that I particularly liked... .



I'm really glad you've found us and now know you most definitely are not alone, everyone here is dealing with similar issues.  I was so surprised when I first arrived here how similar everyone's stories are.

You have just stumbled on to a great website that can offer you support, ideas, validation, communication ideas, and strategies that can help when you are struggling with your mom.  Do you feel your sister would accept the idea your mom might be BPD?  Each of us has a different situation and each of the players will react differently.  In my case I shared my information with my SO and we have found it very helpful.  We are on the same page, speak the same language, and can work and strategize together to help his daughters negotiate issues caused by their mother.

Again Welcome!

Panda39

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Elyria!

Welcome to the family!

I found the Stop Walking on Egg Shells book very enlightening.  I started therapy, after my sister started exhibiting BPD behavior.  So many of the behaviors mentioned in the book matched what my sister was doing.  It was a relief that It wasn't me or all me that was the problem.

How is your relationship with your sister?  Do you know which one of you (or whether both of you) is identified to be in charge of legal matters when your parents pass?  My parents didn't tell us in advance. 

My parents both passed recently and unfortunately, both my sister and I had to work together as "co" everything:  medical power of attorneys, financial POA's and then co-trustees on their trust/estate.  My sister was always a bit difficult and grumpy around family, but boy did she turn into a monster when we had to make decisions together.  It was tough to lose my parents, but working with her was a living hell.

In my case, I worried that my father would be the last to pass.  I loved my dad, but he was a mixed bad of issues:  grumpy, critical, angry.  He had aspects of various disorders, but I don't think he matched enough of the issues on the BPD list to own that label.   He wouldn't have gone willing to a care facility.

There is a workbook you can buy that goes along with "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".  I took one of the tests, in regard to my sister, and she appears to be a high-functioning BPD.

Let us know what you thoughts are after reading the book.