Happiness for ex after all...?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know i should know better. And I also know it doesn't really matter since I am strict NC with my BPDex since the day my things were hurled back over to my house via Currier and she texted me a few BITTERsweet things.

My question However is, is part of their eventual hatred of us Nons or supply, that we (more the situation that they are actually manifesting but of course we are blamed) exhaust them so much for having to lie about: music, films, books, foods, interests, (everything really), and paste a smile on their faces the entire time they are love-bombing us while they keep up the mask?

I ask because my ex left me immediately for someone in her fitness field and I would believe into healthier living and perhaps he is even a vegan like her... .I'd assume from the hints she gave me as she was discarding me.

So my question is, if they can stop being as phony is it possible to stop the cycle and actually be happy with someone? or do they fear engulfment and abandonment so much that every relationship is bound to fail regardless?

I had been feeling sorry for her new guy, though i am sure he is in his own make believe heaven right now with her, but then i was overwhelmed with anxiety about them actually loving each other forever and living a beautiful healthy lifestyle and sharing it all.

Thoughts please?... .

[labowski]

I know i should know better. And I also know it doesn't really matter since I am strict NC with my BPDex since the day my things were hurled back over to my house via Currier and she texted me a few BITTERsweet things.

My question However is, is part of their eventual hatred of us Nons or supply, that we (more the situation that they are actually manifesting but of course we are blamed) exhaust them so much for having to lie about: music, films, books, foods, interests, (everything really), and paste a smile on their faces the entire time they are love-bombing us while they keep up the mask?

I ask because my ex left me immediately for someone in her fitness field and I would believe into healthier living and perhaps he is even a vegan like her... .I'd assume from the hints she gave me as she was discarding me.

So my question is, if they can stop being as phony is it possible to stop the cycle and actually be happy with someone? or do they fear engulfment and abandonment so much that every relationship is bound to fail regardless?

I had been feeling sorry for her new guy, though i am sure he is in his own make believe heaven right now with her, but then i was overwhelmed with anxiety about them actually loving each other forever and living a beautiful healthy lifestyle and sharing it all.

Thoughts please?... .

[rfriesen]

Hi labowski,

I feel your pain, and my heart goes out to you. I remember when the facade broke with my ex, I was utterly confused about who she really was and how long she had been looking for my replacement. (In fairness to her, I had stepped back from the madness to reassess ... .but we were talking constantly every day and I had no reason to believe she was meeting new people ... .until it all came pouring out.) I was crippled with anger and hurt and a real desire for her to be miserable with whoever she was latching on to.

This probably won't make you feel any better now ... .but the honest truth is, you won't ever feel better in the long run until you're able to let go of the bitterness at picturing her happy. I can't speak to your situation, of course. But speaking from mine ... .I still (coming up on three and a half months out) get sudden surges of hostile feelings towards my ex, but I've slowly come to a more balanced view. I know my ex is in a lot of emotional pain at times. I know she isn't likely to have a longterm happy and stable relationship until she addresses them. But the honest truth is, those sudden surges aside, I no longer want her to be unhappy. I hate picturing her in the manic honeymoon phase with someone else, that's still true. But it doesn't eat at me like before. And I know that manic phase can't last. If she were to find a more stable, lasting happiness, I know I could find it in me to be happy for her. And that's actually very liberating.

I know if somehow had said these words to me right after my final break-up, they probably would have irritated me, at least in part. I hope what I'm saying doesn't offend you. I'm just sharing my experience that, ultimately, you'll feel better when you're able to focus on your own happiness. That is a long slow process though, believe me, I know.

As to whether your ex is unhappy with her new boyfriend ... .who can really know from the outside? What would that information give you? Would it give you relief? Or hope that she might come back to you? It helped me to start focusing on my own feelings, just to observe them (not to try controlling them, since we cannot just wish our feelings away immediately) - since there was nothing I could do about whether my ex was happy or not without me.

[joeramabeme]

So my question is, if they can stop being as phony is it possible to stop the cycle and actually be happy with someone? or do they fear engulfment and abandonment so much that every relationship is bound to fail regardless?

Thoughts please?... .

Hi labowski

This question comes up frequently.  Here is a story with a different context so that it might be more clear. 

An alcoholic guy gets drunk every night.  He is violent, loses jobs, marriages and respect so decides to change his life.  He has had enough of all the bad breaks and unlucky circumstances so decides that if he moves to a different city, gets a new girl and starts a new job everything will get better.  Do you think that alcoholics life gets better after moving?

Of course not.  BPD can no more be cured by changing boyfriends, jobs, diets or friends than an alcoholic can be cured by moving to another city.  The problem does not emanate from circumstances, so cannot be fixed by changing the same.

Does this make sense within the context of your question?

JRB

[seenr]

I'm dreading the thoughts of my ex with someone else, but I know also that if I saw her with someone I'd probably be upset, but then able to move on.

She told me that the last three serious long term relationships she was in were all characterised by rows, tears, lack of understanding and lots of nastiness. Each person did things to show her that they cared for her & each ended up the same way - discarded or they discarded her.

I would like to be in a position where I focus completely on me but what I think is going on is that she will go on dates, there will be a lack of attraction & intimacy and at some point she will make contact with me. At that point, I need to be ready & have boundaries up.

As for her happiness, I honestly don't think she is able to find it, the stats don't lie - 40 years in & has never been happy, how would it magically appear? Now I think I will never be happy but I do want to be, more than anything else in the world.

[labowski]

Thank you all for your feedback. when i posted, i was in a low and I could feel that. I knew better but i had a very insecure itch. and i just needed the community to remind me of what i already know. it is miserable letting go of everything that never was, at times, an endless living nightmare. there is freedom in the acceptance but, man o man it still hurts sometimes.