My life story?

[Butilovehim]

Hi all. I have come to realize that I am textbook co-dependant and my ex is I think BPD. We broke up 2 weeks ago and have had NC since.

As I attempted to put my experience down in writing so much I felt had to be told and explained that it turned into a 10 page word document. how do I post it or is it really just too obnoxious at 10 pages?

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[Lilyroze]

Hi all. I have come to realize that I am textbook co-dependant and my ex is I think BPD. We broke up 2 weeks ago and have had NC since.

As I attempted to put my experience down in writing so much I felt had to be told and explained that it turned into a 10 page word document. how do I post it or is it really just to obnoxious at 10 pages?

Hi Butilovehim,

Welcome! So glad you found the board, it has so many resources, people to help and tools that will help you on your journey.

I am glad you could write out your thoughts, it so helpful and therapeutic to do that. I have been where you are at. Have you got a therapist, or goals you are working on now for you? Your core values?

I know there is a limit of characters you can post so maybe add your story to this thread. Then as things come up, or you want to add more, or people ask questions to help you it will be a start to the journey of healing you.

What small steps are you thinking of in next few days to concentrate on you or feeling better? Some exercise, or a walk, reading a special book, cooking something perhaps?

Best wishes and again look up the tools and articles that resonate with you and can help you start today.

[Meili]

Greetings!

Ten pages of text might be a little much. Maybe you could just give us the highlights?

I'm guessing that you posted here because you are hoping to save your relationship?

[Butilovehim]

Thank you for responding! I am going to see a therapist soon or at least that's my plan. The co-dependence is a huge issue and I need to figure out how to deal with it.

I guess I'll try to consolidate my story here.

Back in 2005 I was going through a rough patch. Had a nervous breakdown and went into therapy. No relationship back then so no idea I was co-dependent. Well it was during this the that I met my friend (ex) who I will call Brad. We were friends nothing more he was 19 I was 36.

We lived in a beach community and since I was originally from the city (an hour away) I had friends that I could get marijuana from at close to cost. I would get small amounts and split it among friends. Well Brad fell into my circle. It wasn't long before we were hanging out almost daily for a couple hours here and there smoking and talking. We'd play cards or board games. Look up tarot card we'd draw for each other. It was nice and I liked being in his presence. It was always platonic and eventually he was dating and would bring his girlfriends by. He ended up concieving 2 children one month apart. We lost contact for a couple years while he was dating baby momma but they would come by when they were in town. Eventually it turned ugly and they broke up amidst claim of "abuse". She wanted to go home 1400 miles away and was shown the way to do it by manipulating him with his child and threats of retaliation.  Yeah it was ugly

So he comes back around for s while and we're still friends. Still the same deal I'm his connect for pot. He tells me that the first three years he feels like he was using me cuz I was smoking with him. Honestly that's not how I remember it at all because he was buying pot so he was smoking with me too! But anyway he said for the next few years he kinda made it a mission to make it up to me. And he did that. Still always platonic between us. FFW to 3 years ago.

There was a flood that rendered me homeless on that day my Brad came back into my life and we picked where we left off. I was living with my two children in one of my sis in laws bedrooms in her tiny 800sf 3 bed apt. Cramped. She has 3 kids. But he was there every couple days he'd drive down in nice weather on the motorcycle and in the snow with the truck. He'd come down and the search would be on to find pot. We'd find it. Smoke and hang out maybe get something to eat. He was always sweet and kind and so smart. World traveled. At this point he was about 27 and I was 44. Still completely platonic but I was feeling some possessiveness  truth be told. But he wasn't interested in girls and I wasn't interested in him. As a matter of fact just months before it turned romantic I tried to connect him with a girl in my chiropractors office. Now during this time maybe every couple months her start talking about how we should cuddle and I should let him spend the night and we'd cuddle and watch movies just platonic. He lives an hour away. And he had for years been making the drive. I never once after I moved out of the beach town go visit him.

Darn I haven't told you about him. He's a self proclaimed trust fund baby. He father is very prestigious in the community. The place where we live is so corrupt that any job in the state was available to him because his father was such a big deal. Now that's all great on the surface but he was adopted from an Asian country when his parents were in third 40's. His birth father shot himself in front of Brad and he was then sent to an orphanage. He's so privelidged that he was afforded the opportunity to visit the orphanage when he was 18. Also been to Greece. All over the US.

This is one of his issues though. Those same parents that everyone said all his life he was so lucky to have he says abused him. He said his mother who has a Ph.D. Sexually abused him. He's told me many things about his mom over the years. I guess she took a lot of Xanax. She had a lot of issues with the divorce and when she went home because they moved away for his fathers job he was shuttled from state to state for visitation.  It took an emotional toll on him. This new revelation blows my mind but I don't know if he told me this because of our age difference.  He has told me a couple times he loves me like a mom. I don't know how to take that.

The end of October last year we had a big text argument. He again brought up the cuddling and not letting him stay over and he always drives down and buys pot and smokes me up.  That it's not fair Yada yada yada. I gave in. I ran by a few people the weeks prior to gusts reaction and no one raised an eyebrow.  Said why not? Cuddle! Who can that hurt? Go for it. So basicly I did. I said ok fine come over I picked some movies and we hung out and it was pretty awesome. It had been 8 years since I've been held by a man and way more than that since I was in any kind of relationship. Not even dates!  It was heaven. I was surprised at how much he was into me. I loved it. It just seemed like a long time coming and felt right. But I knew. I said to myself quite literally. Enjoy it while you can because as soon as we have sex it's all downhill and just a question as to when he's leaving. So that's what I did.  For three days I held out as we spent almost every moment together. Shopping and cooking. And getting little stuff from his house an hour away.

I initiated it and I only know that because he made a comment later on that only a few women in his life have been the aggressor. So I assumed he was saying I was being aggressive. Almost immediately he moved in. I'm not really sure he just started moving his stuff in and I kind of welcomed it.  Well it was two-fold he had a plan.

He got an allowance and the use of a credit card. If he paid for the food, gas, household stuff etc... .That I would normally use cash for that would give him funds to buy pot which he would then share with me. This issue is key to our break up. He later resented very much having to share but I'll tie this back in later.

During this time both daughters live with me. My youngest 18 (dd2) he agreed to teach her to drive his truck which he was then going to sell to her st a rate of $25 a week. She had a job and was graduating soon. Going back just a little bit when we had the last arguement he said something about my 18yo having a crush on him. Now it struck me wrong and we argued about it.  I asked my dd2 just to be sure and she does not. But I have also come to realize that he has a bit of a narcissistic streak in him and always thinks someone is flirting with him or wants him. Lol I laugh but he wasn't always wrong. I've had women completely disregard that I was with him one gave thier number to him once I was out of earshot.

So I have to say he told me in the beginning he didn't want s girlfriend. But st that point I was fighting hard not to do it and had just given so said " oh no I just wanna have fun" I did say something about a companion but this theme was recurrent. He told me at one point "I will never love you like that" he said he didn't want to be responsible for my orgasm. But also what was recurrent was definite idealization. He was so sweet and I was always in his arms. He just loved hugging me and holding me. Even after all he said (ironically on 4/20) he told me that he loved me. That I'm all he has even wanted. He didn't care about my age. We could be br/gf. All he asked is that he didn't want to get married. He always refused to kiss me but he's kind of a germaphobe too so he blamed that. Also oral sex was always a one way street. Well all of that changed around this same time. It was awesome we were making out he was totally into me again. Only to almost immediately. I pissed him off and ruined it all. He had a little Ed problem blamed me and hated me for it. It was as if (in the coming weeks) he was trying to convince me everything he said was not true because everything went downhill from there.

During this time we were spending a lot of money on the credit card. I didn't realize how much until his father called and 13 days into the bill and we were at $1600. Now we finally figured out it was a trip that caused that spike but we ended up having to get all 6 bills itemized to see wth we were doing but it was all food. Like we needed to get control immediately. Well this was bad he totally blamed me. To the point that during his rages her threaten to call the police and press charges for all amounts over and above the amount we originally agreed to. Which was only half of what I spent. It got really bad.

Prior to the money issues it became a huge issue because dd1 who is 20. I get a Ssi check for her so I support her with that. But I wasn't giving her an allowance so I blame myself. She was stealing from him. This went back and forth for months she wouldn't stop and I didn't know what to do. She was stealing cigarettes and eventually when he cut her off she stole roaches. Like from the pot you know? But my problem was I was giving her all my roaches before he came along then he went with it for a while and said no more. He cut her off for stealing.

In between all of this he is accusing me off hurting him. It started with he was getting physical therapy and they told him the reason his back won't heal is because of cuddling with me. He said this to me numerous times but never stopped cuddling with me so idk what else to do. This turned into I was purposely sticking my elbow into his ribs when I lay on his chest. To not even being able to lay my arm on his ribs for accusations of causing pain. He eventually said I was purposely poking my fingers in his ribs while he sleeps t cause him pain. He said he saw me but thought he was dreaming until he woke up in pain.

He has accused me of putting drugs in his food and drinks. Went as far as saying what drugs   and why.

He has fits of rage and we'll have these circular logic arguements that go no where. They'd last anywhere from 12 hours to days. Where he would berate me and ask me why and get angrier because I had no answers for his illogical arguements. I go from being adored to the one who is out to use him and am now the enemy.

So all of this was going on while he was making plans to have his daughter for the summer. The six weeks following his declaration to the time he left was slow torture. Just a week before he left he told me he loved me. Then was just being cruel. Like he hated me. He told me he was still in love with the ex. But I think that was more to hurt me than truth. He'd show me tiny glimpses of love and tenderness and then be horrible cruel with words the next.  He told me... .My family and I are ugly on the inside. That I took advantage of him did I mention with all that food that I was cooking for him twice a day? Not even for my kids. For him. Or that it was my car that we drove 3000 miles to pick up his daughter. Then we come back and he was gone within 3 days. I also would have to mention that I live in a tiny 3 bed 950sf. He's going back to a 5000sf with a pool and no parents. Unfortunately it's not gonna last the house just sold so I'm guessing he has to be out soon.

With all that being said.  What do I do at this point? I love him but I know I have to step away and give him the summer with his daughter. This is his wish she is his life and having her all to himself is his dream. It gonna be tough on him she. She goes back to mom. So I don't think I'll hear anything from him til fall. He told me he plans on moving there when she goes back. Of course it was just prior to him leaving so he said "you can come if you want" I mean I don't blame him. I'd want my daughters last memories to be in her old house not some old chick dumpy apt. I get it. But is it that or does he believe all he said and hates me?

I just don't want him to hate me. I want him to see that the money was insignificant I mean I spent way more than I should of too. I bought him a $2500 computer! He kinda tricked me and admitted later that he was sorry I felt tricked but took it off the ill of what I screwed him for. I love him. I do. But I was definitely enabling him. And he said it in a sideways kinda way.  He said. You wanna bring me down to your level. What he was really saying was you make it too easy to be dependent. The dependency I think is key. He wanted it but hated feeling it. And it went back to his dad. I conjured feelings of his dad. I think one of the reasons we connected. He never connected with his dad.

Ok I'm really sorry this is so long. Thank you if you were able to understand my ramblings and made it thru. I'm pretty sure he has BPD. I go through the checklist and it fits. Idk if he'll ever get treatment he's not one to trust anyone especially a therapist. Doesn't help that back in 2012 he reached out to his old therapist. She went behind his back to brag to his father what a good job she had done with him. That broke every trust he had and he was done. Thank you again and again so sorry it's so long.

[Butilovehim]

I know I'm so sorry. I tried to condense the story as much as I could. I do want to save it but I don't know if I have that right. He has put it in my head (and maybe he's right) that I am being selfish because of my age by holding him back. But then in the same breath he promises me his soul.

I have to also mention that I have pretty significant neurofibromatosis. I have what can only be described as lumps all over me. He overlooked this. It's like he doesn't see it. This one of the things I love about him. Everyone judges me about my lumps.

[Meili]

I do want to save it but I don't know if I have that right. He has put it in my head (and maybe he's right) that I am being selfish because of my age by holding him back.

You have the absolute right to feel how you feel!

One person cannot hold another person back. Each individual is responsible for his or her own choices. If he choices to do something, that's completely on him, not on you. You cannot take on his choices as your own responsibility. Have you considered why you would do that? I know that you said that he's convinced you, but what I'm asking is have you considered why you allowed him to convince you?

[Butilovehim]

I do want to save it but I don't know if I have that right. He has put it in my head (and maybe he's right) that I am being selfish because of my age by holding him back.

You have the absolute right to feel how you feel!

One person cannot hold another person back. Each individual is responsible for his or her own choices. If he choices to do something, that's completely on him, not on you. You cannot take on his choices as your own responsibility. Have you considered why you would do that? I know that you said that he's convinced you, but what I'm asking is have you considered why you allowed him to convince you?

I think what I mean by holding him back and what he said is that at 29 with two children he still dreams of the white picket fence and family. I can no longer (nor do I want) more children. We have talked about other avenues foster or adoption.

My age bothers him. He constantly feels judged by it. He says people are making assumption as to why he would be with me, and he's Asian so he says they think the Asian stereotype is one reason. But basicly they are thinking he Is deficient in some because of my age and skin Condition. He says he doesn't want he daughter to wonder why he isn't with someone his own age. 

On the other hand he is conflicted because (he says) he loves me and we are perfect together. He told me that he would never leave me and have been discussing moving together out of state. Well until he abandoned me. But even then I know that was more for his daughter and our current living conditions. I know it was the right choice for him to go back to his house for the summer. I just don't want to be black to him. I want to pick up where we left off in sept when the daughter go back to school. Idk if that's selfish given what he truly wants though.

Also given his behavior during our 7 month affair im not sure that is the right move either. If I'm right and he's BPD then I need to know if that is indeed what the break up was about. I want to help him get well because I know what a beautiful person lies beneath. But also can I handle the brutality of this disease.

Idk what to do NC for over two weeks

[Meili]

I apologize, but I'm still confused. What is preventing the white-picket fence? You + him + 2 kids = family. Just add the white-picket fence. So, I'm assuming that I'm missing part of the story here.

What about your living situation is problematic? That seems to be an easy thing to fix in that living situations change all the time. Can the two of you change it to make it more of what you both want?

You can't do anything about your age bothering him. You just have to accept that he's telling you that it does. Once you accept that, you can look at what lies beneath the comment. I don't know him and I can't read minds, but if what you wrote is true, then it's his insecurities talking. He's worried about what others will think of him, and those worries may not be based in reality. Regardless, his feelings are his to own, not yours.

As I said earlier, there's nothing selfish about wanting what you want.

Often times, however, people who have suffered trauma and/or have been in abusive relationship take on more responsibility than is really theirs to own. They can think that they are responsible for the happiness of another. That simply isn't true though. One person cannot make another happy. Our individual happiness is our own responsibility and must come from within.

Does that make sense? Does it seem to apply to you?

[Butilovehim]

I apologize, but I'm still confused. What is preventing the white-picket fence? You + him + 2 kids = family. Just add the white-picket fence. So, I'm assuming that I'm missing part of the story here.

What about your living situation is problematic? That seems to be an easy thing to fix in that living situations change all the time. Can the two of you change it to make it more of what you both want?

You can't do anything about your age bothering him. You just have to accept that he's telling you that it does. Once you accept that, you can look at what lies beneath the comment. I don't know him and I can't read minds, but if what you wrote is true, then it's his insecurities talking. He's worried about what others will think of him, and those worries may not be based in reality. Regardless, his feelings are his to own, not yours.

As I said earlier, there's nothing selfish about wanting what you want.

Often times, however, people who have suffered trauma and/or have been in abusive relationship take on more responsibility than is really theirs to own. They can think that they are responsible for the happiness of another. That simply isn't true though. One person cannot make another happy. Our individual happiness is our own responsibility and must come from within.

Does that make sense? Does it seem to apply to you?

The white picket fence comment he knows that he could have with me but it is his crippling thoughts of being judged that get the best of him to the point where its difficult for him to go out in public with me. My children are grown (I'm 46) and his child (he has only contact with one) lives with mom. In his head it is perfectly alright to start a new family that lives with him. Through talking to his daughter though he is beginning to rethink that because his love is so deep with his daughter that he's not sure he'd be happy splitting his love with another child and feels it might now be unfair to her to ask her to share himself. He asked her if she wanted siblings and explained that she'd have to share daddy and what she thought of that. Her answer was that maybe she didn't want to share.

So I believe that hurdle is surmountable but the uBPD triggers delusional thoughts that he can not so much read people's minds as much as read there intentions. Don't get me wrong he is very attuned to people. Can read emotions on me like I was wearing a sign. Emotions I don't even realize I'm projecting until he says something and I wonder how he knew because I was innocently watching tv by myself not even thing. But when he says it. He is correct. For example one time I was putting away groceries with him. (Early in our relationship) he drop the bag he was working on and grabbed me and hugged me tight. I said what wes that for? He said you looked like you needed a hug. Well at that moment I had been thinking about how awesome I was feeling about him being around and how sad it was that he was just gonna leave and it was really not what I was experiencing. That is was a not real. He didn't love me "like that" so in reality that hug was like he was reading my mind.

The problem is he's not always right like thinking that my daughter "coughing" is mocking him. Or he laughing in her room she is laughing about him. Or how everything is connected to him. Like my daughter nickname for her boyfriend... .He says my daughter only calls her br that. Because of him.

The living situation I say is because I have a tiny 950sf apt 3b one hour away is his house (dads) house that is a 5000sf home with a pool and 5 acres. It is a home his daughter lived in before her parents split and the home she has come back to visit so remembers. He also built her a huge playhouse with a zip line in the finished basement. So basicly just a way better home. I mean I can see that he is trying to create memories. I get it.

[Meili]

So, he comes to your place to visit rather than you going to his?

We'll never know what was going through his mind, but I'll give you another possibility to counter your example of his mind reading. Perhaps the hug was to belay any possible emotional outburst that might have resulted from the bag being dropped? Again, we'll never know, but it is something to consider.

You have outlined an number of his fears here. This gives you a place from which to work. You can't change his fears, but you can validate (without necessarily agreeing with) them if that's what you want to do.

Have you asked yourself why you want to be with this man?

[Butilovehim]

So, he comes to your place to visit rather than you going to his?

We'll never know what was going through his mind, but I'll give you another possibility to counter your example of his mind reading. Perhaps the hug was to belay any possible emotional outburst that might have resulted from the bag being dropped? Again, we'll never know, but it is something to consider.

You have outlined an number of his fears here. This gives you a place from which to work. You can't change his fears, but you can validate (without necessarily agreeing with) them if that's what you want to do.

Have you asked yourself why you want to be with this man?

Yes he has always come to visit me but it was always with the purpose of getting pot and smoking. We were friends for 10 years before it went romantic.

No you misunderstand the hug.  there was no reason for him to choose to hug me at that moment outwardly. The comment dropping the bag was just to relay a picture of his reaction to the emotion he could read on my face. I was just trying to explain what a good grasp he has on reading me. So I assume he can read others also. With me he has known me for a long time so yes he reads me very easily. However complete strangers he tries to read and I believe sees the all good or all bad about someone based on this "knowing" of their inner thoughts. Feelings etc.

Why I want to be with him is trickier. I have always had a connection with him. We have been true friends for a long time with absolutely no underlying sexual current. (10 years by the time he moved in) None what's so ever. (On my part. I'm assuming on his part too because he never showed any indication of his feeling being more than that.)

We have never broached the subject of being more until 3 years ago when he started asking me to cuddle with him.  

He has never had an issue with my skin disease as none of my friends do but it is a diffent when I am meeting someone new for dating purposes. It turns guys off and as a result I've spent most of my life alone. I have attachment issues and am co-dependent. Can't bond right but can't live if you don't bond with me.

Because we met differently. We didn't meet with any intention of anything more than being aquaintences.  He wasn't looking at me to size me up a potential partner so my skin condition never factored in. After many years we become quite comfortable with each other. He was afforded the time to get to know the inner me he never judged physical appearance. So once he realized he had intimate feelings my skin didn't matter to him being attracted to me.

Also he's smart, funny, sensitive. Loving sweet kind. Everything I could ask for. We hold a lot of the same values, like and dislikes. We are very comfortable around each Other and are able to feel safe and secure. We both have social anxiety so neither has many friends.

I still however have issues with how he can be this man I describe but turn on me and show such hate and disdain. I feel like I know he loves me because of our history. I don't know if when he tells me he loves me if it is a) the love he has for me as s friend. B) he loves me like a "mom". And I'm fulfilling some kind of role through my co-depedency. Or c) he loves me like a lover and a partner which is of course what I'm hoping.

[Meili]

Honestly, I didn't misunderstand why you wrote about the bag dropping. I was just offering you another perspective. Because we cannot know what's in another's head, any infinite number of possibilities could have taken place. Perhaps, at some time in his past, he had been punished for something similar by someone other than you, and he was reacting to that past trauma. We can never know.

I only point that out because several of the things that you have said seem to germinate from assumptions about his thought processes. Maybe I'm making the assumptions here though; you know what's been going on.

Anyway, all of that discussion resulted from what I see as you focusing more on him, his thoughts, his needs, and his actions rather than your own. I am trying to get you to talk less about him and more about you.

What are your wants, needs, and desires? What are you doing to achieve them?

[Butilovehim]

When he left he told me he never wanted to be serious. That I pushed for something I knew he did not want. He wants to be friends.

Idk if you read that rediculously long story of mine but he originally told me this... .that he didn't want a gf, he didn't want to be serious and that it was mostly my age at issue but that he didn't want a relationship with anyone. While he was volunteering and working last year before we ever moved in together he was wearing a wedding ring for a while. He said it was because he was not volunteering with children to meet women and wanted to head off any flirting or whatnot. That in his explanation was not what his goal was. It was about volunteering and giving back and good karma. However that is also part of his uBPD makeup I think. He likes for his next life karma. And he is very particular about receiving karma. Many rules have to be met. There can be no selfishness if you are to receive karma for your good deeds. He even went as far as to say he would not get karma for volunteering with children because it brings him joy therefore is a selfish because he's getting something out if it. It is not a totally selfless act as a karma granting experience should be.  

But in April he changed all of that by saying to me. I love you. You make an otherwise miserable existence tolerable. We can be bf/gf. He also did other things like that's when he started kissing me. He always held back on kissing blaming his OCD and germ phobia. Also giving oral he started doing. So it felt like I broke through a wall.  

[Butilovehim]

Yes! And now you've hit on my co-dependency. I see now how much I obsessed over taking care of him and doing for him.