Turning points

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

2.  Wife has choice.  

     (a)Face whatever is affecting her judgment and leading her to act out in destructive ways.  I will work (appropriately) to rebuild trust and build marriage.

     

     (b) She continues on current course.  I use boundaries to protect myself.  Will not continue with counseling that I deem to be going in wrong direction.

I know you're on the undecided board with a strong lean towards staying, but you really have to reset your expectations... .

(a) is a longshot.  She has a PD.  She is very likely not wired to face/own anything.

(b) is the likeliest outcome.  Sure, she may change temporarily and I think you've seen this as she has good stretches, particularly after a good counseling session.  But then you see her revert back to her old ways.  Get good at boundary enforcement because you're going to need it.  Then decide if this is the life you want.

[HopefulDad]

2.  Wife has choice.  

     (a)Face whatever is affecting her judgment and leading her to act out in destructive ways.  I will work (appropriately) to rebuild trust and build marriage.

     

     (b) She continues on current course.  I use boundaries to protect myself.  Will not continue with counseling that I deem to be going in wrong direction.

I know you're on the undecided board with a strong lean towards staying, but you really have to reset your expectations... .

(a) is a longshot.  She has a PD.  She is very likely not wired to face/own anything.

(b) is the likeliest outcome.  Sure, she may change temporarily and I think you've seen this as she has good stretches, particularly after a good counseling session.  But then you see her revert back to her old ways.  Get good at boundary enforcement because you're going to need it.  Then decide if this is the life you want.

[flourdust]

Regarding the work situation, it sounds like she wants you to be the Rescuer from her Persecutor (the job). This is probably a familiar triangle to you. I'm guessing that she has decided she doesn't want to work because she's created a toxic situation with conflicts with other teachers. So, being a SAHM sounds so much better than being a teacher. If you give in to her desire to have you command her not to work, then she gets the immediate relief she wants ... .until being a SAHM becomes intolerable, and then she hates her circumstance AND she can blame you for forcing her not to work.

I suspect you've seen this show before.

[empath]

Well, after day 1 she "confronts" me about my methods, because I asked kids how they felt about the verse.  I was risking the kids salvation by not "giving them the answer".  It was really odd.

Very interesting. Combined with the whole "tell me to stop working", it sounds more like for her this is more about doing, saying, or knowing the 'right' things. It's easy to 'do the right things' for a little while. And, the biblical counselor is not giving her what she wants.

Jesus was regularly addressing people's sins, especially those who thought they had it all together if they followed the rules. He had a purpose behind his crucifixion, but it didn't cause people to love him. It is not biblical to ignore sins committed against us; the confrontation needs to be done in grace and love, but the truth has to be told. Honesty is the only way to true healing.

[formflier]

I suspect you've seen this show before.

  Yeah... it's a rerun... .

Totally laughing outloud at this... .   

There is about zero chance I will tell her to stop working or to keep working.  This issue is best looked at from a distance, with a flack jacket on... .and helmet.

FF

[formflier]

Honesty is the only way to true healing.

And when that is her hyper focus... .and she and the women in her family "know" when people are lying.  Boy oh boy... .that is weird.

Also was insistent that feelings have no place in a family devotion, that I was wrong to ask my kids how they "felt" about a verse they just read.  Again... just give the answer.

However, I'm not aware of many people that "think" their way to salvation.  Most people are convicted by a "feeling".  At least in my opinion... .

Sigh... .it's been a weird day.

[Cat Familiar]

... .she and the women in her family "know" when people are lying... .Also was insistent that feelings have no place in a family devotion, that I was wrong to ask my kids how they "felt" about a verse they just read.  Again... just give the answer.

However, I'm not aware of many people that "think" their way to salvation.  Most people are convicted by a "feeling".  At least in my opinion... .

My mother also "knew" when people were lying, but her lie detector was frequently "on the blink". There would be times I was telling her the absolute truth and I had proof, yet she still was convinced that I was lying.

Interesting turn about thinking and feeling with your wife. It occurred to me that as a pwBPD, she might not trust her feelings, even when she insists they're right. So that might be why she's telling you not to elicit feelings in your children; instead give them the "right answer".