Anyone else fear their BPD exes?

[JerryRG]

I'm sure this topic has been covered many times so please forgive me

Do you fear your BPDex?

I went home this afternoon and ran into my apartment to grab some things before I went to visit a friend. Standing there and the door moved (wind) my first thought was my exgf was in the hallway and she's stalking me again and or going to hurt me.

Her bf is a puny little thing and I could take him out in 3 seconds but what if he had a gun or knife? She's used so many people to try to beat me up emotionally by saying they side with her.

She told me one of her friends were going to beat me up, she hung out with a strange guy who she said used to sell drugs and he always had a hand gun in his truck. This is the same guy who got her to drink 3 or 4 beers a night on top of here anxiety meds.

Anyway I've discussed how sometimes I literally shake while texting or talking to her. She would hit me with so many lies and nonsense then tell me she was one place then moments later in a whole different place very far away, many miles.

These behaviours are so disturbing and confusing that it's no wonder I was lost, I made the choice to stay but by the time I realised I was in too deep I was in too deep.

Anyone else have real or imagined fears about their exes because of the crazy things they did or threatened to do?

I've often thought I needed to hide my knives because her temper was truly frightening, and yet I stayed? Hmm

[Herodias]

Yes- every time I open my knife drawer I feel traumatized. I keep thinking I should get new ones but can't spend the money right now. I worry one day he'll try and show up and drag me off somewhere. I've had nightmares - we've been through allot and I think it's normal. I hate that you still have to deal with yours and you know she is still a mess. If you had a restraining order it would cause trouble getting your son, no? I would ask about it- you talked with someone about what to do? I still think it would be nice if you had a third party you could pick you son up from and she could drop him off. If possible. I think we need to be guarded - you never know. Kinda scary. The thing I read though is that they tend to lash out at whoever is closest to them. I worry because he owes me money that he would try and get rid of me. I'm not sure that's so ridiculous. I live in a secured building now. I think he was telling his lawyer I lived with my parents just because he wanted to find out where I was. For a reaction. I don't know if they told him or not. When we have seen the violent side of them I think that stays in the back of our minds always... .Be careful and be safe.

[seenr]

I am somewhat scared of her Jerry.

Over a 7 year period she physically overpowered me on maybe 5 occasions mainly to take my belongingd or to intimidate me. A couple of months ago the attack was so bad that I am having bad nightmares from it.

We had a lot of trouble when she was pregnant so much so she told me she would lie awake at night praying for a text to say I was dead. I would never wish that on her - I love her too much for that.

We were talking one night and she heard something I said and put down her knife. I froze. That knife hitting the counter top was a signal - war ahead. I do think the fear has got to me over a long period of time. I don't think we should fear partners or exes.

Like you Jerry all communication with her leaves me shaking.

[Larmoyant]

Yes, all communication with him leaves me shaking too. I fear him a lot. I’ve developed terrible anxiety (sick feeling, shaking and heart pumping). I was jumping out of my skin whenever my phone rang so changed his tone to something different. I don’t really fear physical injury so much as there were only a couple of times he hurt me, but I’m so scared of his nastiness. He can be extremely cutting. Sometimes I think I can handle it, but not really, it gets under your skin. I fear being hurt so much nowadays.

[woundedPhoenix]

It's good to become aware of what triggers this fear.

What is it exactly that they cause inside of you.

So i sat down, to make a list of that.

Basically it comes down to two things.

- I fear the distorted view she has on me as a person, how she projects and blames off all her weaknesses and evil traits in me.

- I fear the even more delusional actions she takes based on that distorted view, the threaths, the insults, the discards, ... .

Its basically the same thing i feared when she started devaluing me and my brain went into panic mode.

It came so unexpected and was so intense that i probably dissociated for half a day.

After that, the same thing went on in many different forms and shapes, but the fear mechanic is just these two things.

[asphyx]

When she was blind with rage, my BPDex threatened (on 2 occasions) to kill me in my sleep.

They were clearly empty threats, as I am still here, but I really started to lose trust in her after that. I wouldn't say I 'feared' her, but I did start to worry about what she could be capable of. When she was raging, it seemed like nothing was off limits.

[Larmoyant]

I also had an 'imagined' fear once. We were travelling to the shops when his mood changed and he kicked me out of his car. My beloved, little dog was at his house and I became scared that he would hurt her. I was unfamiliar with the area he'd left me in and had to get two buses back to his. By the time I got there I was terrified he'd hurt her. She seemed ok, but to this day I'm not sure if he hurt her or not.

[seenr]

Seeing my ex hit her own daughter both shocked and sickened me. Had I acted when it happened then something could have been done about it but I froze and by the time we split the daughter and mother were singing off the same sheet. I was the problem... .

Violence solves nothing. In the relationship I sometimes got so wound up that I lost my temper. I'd notice my ex stopping, almost smiling as I lost my cool. I broke something once and my ex seemed almost happy that I did. It was like she was happy I'd reached that point. While her raging and arguing was difficult, no excuse for me losing my cool like that.

I was also afraid of my ex with alcohol taken. I stupidly told her some family secrets and would be holding my breath when we met people at social events. Fear like that wears people down. Now I'm afraid to go out in case I meet her. She is capable of inflicting tremendous hurt on others and could easily kiss someone right in front of me which would break my heart. She has done that before and gets revenge when someone crosses a line, but the lines are like tripwires everywhere they are not like the expectations of normal mentally healthy people.

[Lilyroze]

Yes, ex to be has threatened to kill me, people at work etc and sees nothing wrong with. He has so much anger.

Lately threatened new neighbors dog that jumped fence that he would kill it, wanted to beat the other person over it. He doesn't even live or stay here any-more, this is while dropping things off.

I quietly told him by phone to let it go, and he stormed over. Yes so bad he drops things off without coming in or I seeing him. It use to enrage him if I went out to talk to him, thank him or talk over things needing done to go forward or budget etc. Now I don't bother talking to him at all but a simple thank you ( cell to cell not face). Will just let lawyers handle most, while I still pick up the pieces here for kids and take care of what I can.

He can't hold rage in any-more and keeps threatening to drag me to court house to get this done. All while I am trying to work out details to move forward for us both, and pay everything to keep debt free.

[Larmoyant]

I have another fear, almost terror really, that he will somehow pull me back in. He’ll want to get back together again and in my pain I agree. We meet, hug and I’m so relieved to be back in his arms and then without warning he says, “I’m moving away”, “Maybe you should find another man”, “This won’t work”. All of which he’s done before. I don’t believe I could live through another moment like that.

[uniquename]

Yes, all communication with him leaves me shaking too. I fear him a lot. I’ve developed terrible anxiety (sick feeling, shaking and heart pumping). I was jumping out of my skin whenever my phone rang so changed his tone to something different. I don’t really fear physical injury so much as there were only a couple of times he hurt me, but I’m so scared of his nastiness. He can be extremely cutting. Sometimes I think I can handle it, but not really, it gets under your skin. I fear being hurt so much nowadays.

Ditto. Mine is not an ex yet.

[stimpy]

After she first discarded me, she became quite a scary person. She stalked me, attended social events she knew I'd be at, flirted with guys right in front of me, and tried to provoke me any way she could. This went on for 10 months.

But I decided not to give in and I carried on just living my life. Eventually I had to break No contact and I sent her couple of emails telling her to stay away from me and gradually she has done this, though it's taken a long time! 

I'm just afraid she'll return one day and try and make my life as hell again.

The only good thing to come out of her behaviour since she threw me away, is that now I truly see her for what she is. A messed up, angry, vindictive, spiteful woman.

[Meili]

Yes, I have both real and imagined fears associated with my x.When I realized the extent of my paranoia, I decided to take a look at what was causing it.

During our time together, my x did some pretty scary things. But, I kept allowing it. Why? I had to look at why I allowed it.

After we parted ways, very strange things started to happen. Each time, I've attributed it to my x. Many times it turned out to be nothing more than my paranoia. So, I had to look at what was the cause of it. Was it the crazy things that she's done in the past? In part. But, most of it was just my own fears coming to the surface. Most of it was trauma from childhood experiences that continued the script of life and people hurt me.

So, what do you think is the true, underlying root of your fears?

[HoneyB33]

It's good to become aware of what triggers this fear.

What is it exactly that they cause inside of you.

So i sat down, to make a list of that.

Basically it comes down to two things.

- I fear the distorted view she has on me as a person, how she projects and blames off all her weaknesses and evil traits in me.

- I fear the even more delusional actions she takes based on that distorted view, the threaths, the insults, the discards, ... .

Its basically the same thing i feared when she started devaluing me and my brain went into panic mode.

It came so unexpected and was so intense that i probably dissociated for half a day.

After that, the same thing went on in many different forms and shapes, but the fear mechanic is just these two things.

This is my fear as well. I got so lost in this person's perception of me (because I didn't know about BPD yet). And all that followed with our mutual friends, and her convincing them that I was some abuser. Totally, and exactly the same things that you listed. I have never experienced anxiety like this before. Getting out of this person's perception of me has been hell, esp because it took me so long to even realize they were not true.

[SoMuchPain]

So odd.  Yes.  Though she never showed me a physically violent side, something about her scared the crap out of me, and I started having severe paranoia that she was going to kill me.  I started coming home early to "surprise" her, for some reason thinking if I got home on time, she'd be set and poised to kill me.  Thought she might hurt my animals.  I don't know.  It was a deep down gut weird feeling.  I told friends.  I even told her!  Before she moved with me I told her I didn't want her bringing her gun to my house.  To this day she says, "I think it's so cute how you think I was gonna kill you with my gun.  I'm not trying to go to jail forever, girl please."  So cute?

I felt like I was going crazy with these thoughts, because I had no real basis for them, and yet there they were.  Probably because I just never knew with her, on anything.  So weird.  

[JerryRG]

When we're lied to on a daily basis and they magically change before our eyes then convince us we are the ones who are crazy we kinda lose that faith thing that would be nice to have once in a while. How on earth can we trust pathological and or compulsive liars? Walking on eggshells just waiting for a land mine to take me out everyday just to be with her.

Great life huh?

I'm angry about having to go to court tomorrow because of my idiot exgf and her drama, gurrrrr

[sweet tooth]

I'm not physically scare of mine. However, I fear mine legally. I wouldn't put it past her to smear my reputation. I also wouldn't put it past her to falsely accuse me of anything and take it as far as court. I'm also afraid of her attempting to recycle and my own naivety.

Mine has been stalking md in Facebook. I can picture the following events happening:

1. She stalks me

2. I reach my boiling point and call her out on it through text

3. She turns the tables on me and accuses ME of stalking HER

4. An RO is taken out against me