Broke NC and sent closure message on Facebook

[insideoutside]

This is what I sent:

I wish you would talk to me but I have to accept that may never happen.  I still care about you; nothing's changed there.  I accepted all of who you were without any judgement and still do.  I wish I could turn the clock back and un say the things I said which obviously hurt you, but I can't, all I can do is apologise.   You never had to pretend to be anything other than who you were to me; I valued the person you were, quirks, eccentric I and outlandish.  I'm sad to have lost your friendship, but I understand you had to cut me off for yours and my sake.  I truly wish you all the best pwBPD; I thought we had a great connection and I'm sorry for messing it up.  Please don't see me attempting closure as weakness but me wanting to reach out to somebody whom I cared a lot for and  wishing them nothing but happiness in everything.

I also attached a picture which said 'I learnt the hard way, you either say how you feel and you f*** it up or you say nothing at all and it f***s you up'.

I'm not expecting a response.  Will be interesting to see if he blocks me.

[Sarah May]

In my experience breaking no contact is a recipe for re-engagement, even if I label it as closure.  With a borderline significant other or family member there is no such thing.  When I reach out in my weak moments I inevitably get burned.  It is I who need reassurance and validation that my love, attention, and investment in the relationship was of value.  The BPD person does not validate.  It's just one more hook we give them to pull us back into the fray.  If you are truly finished with this man, the only way to stay emotionally safe is to block him on all social media, cell phone, etc, and not to go looking for him or "peeking" at his accounts.  It can only lead to horrible pain when you find out he has replaced you.  Trust me.  I have experience.  Best wishes to you.   

[insideoutside]

In my experience breaking no contact is a recipe for re-engagement, even if I label it as closure.  With a borderline significant other or family member there is no such thing.  When I reach out in my weak moments I inevitably get burned.  It is I who need reassurance and validation that my love, attention, and investment in the relationship was of value.  The BPD person does not validate.  It's just one more hook we give them to pull us back into the fray.  If you are truly finished with this man, the only way to stay emotionally safe is to block him on all social media, cell phone, etc, and not to go looking for him or "peeking" at his accounts.  It can only lead to horrible pain when you find out he has replaced you.  Trust me.  I have experience.  Best wishes to you.   

Thanks.  No chance of re-engagement as been NC for nearly 3 months and he hasn't responded to any of my previous attempts.  He was a friend whom I developed feelings for and was sure they were mutual, but he cut me off after an argument and attempts to reconcile were futile.

I need to move on.  I'm tired of feeling 'like this' but do not know what 'like this' is anymore... .

[Sarah May]

Maybe "like this" is shamed and discarded.  I know that when people I feel something for treat me as expendable I end up with intense feelings of shame, depression, and emptiness.  Hugs to you.     

[insideoutside]

Maybe "like this" is shamed and discarded.  I know that when people I feel something for treat me as expendable I end up with intense feelings of shame, depression, and emptiness.  Hugs to you.     

Yes you are probably correct.  Plus I'm fed up with being snappy, miserable and basically being an all round cr&p version of myself.  I need my life before him back; but if I was totally honest that life feels boring, unfulfilled and mundane. 

[Confused?]

Maybe "like this" is shamed and discarded.  I know that when people I feel something for treat me as expendable I end up with intense feelings of shame, depression, and emptiness.  Hugs to you.     

Yes you are probably correct.  Plus I'm fed up with being snappy, miserable and basically being an all round cr&p version of myself.  I need my life before him back; but if I was totally honest that life feels boring, unfulfilled and mundane. 

That is kind of how life is though. Before I met my ex I was mentally and physically the best I have ever felt. All I thought was missing was someone to share the rest of my life with. I chose the wrong person that's for sure . It's basically taken me two years since being replaced to feel like I did before I met her. Life became way more unbearable being with her than my previous "boring" life without her. I would much rather live a mundane life and be happy with myself and the little things then to tip toe through life like I was with my ex.

[insideoutside]

So the messages are shown as sent, I know there is something in Facebook where you can accept or reject msgs so I have no idea if he's even read them.  I am still not blocked but the agony of waiting to be blocked and checking to see if msgs were read has got too much.  I blocked then unblocked him then regretted it and stupid 48 rule means I can't block him again so I've deactivated my Facebook.

I had overwhelming rage tonight; the cut off and ST had cut me to my core; i feel like a failure, like a nobody and my rage tonight turned into a huge rant with expletives just coming out of my mouth due to an unrelated issue but I know the core of my anger is how Ive been treated and I'm lashing out to those closest to me.  I'm beyond hurt; he always said I'd get hurt by him and wish I had taken it seriously.

I want to bang my head on the wall over and over again to get this pain to go.  I loathe myself right now.

[Meili]

Don't beat yourself up for all of the intense feelings. Those are natural. You are still trying to make sense out how all of this happened. There's nothing that you can do about the message now. It's out of your control. Focus on what you can control. Try to examine why you felt the need to send it. (The need to send something for "closure" seems to be common btw.)

If a boring, mundane and unfulfilling life is what you fear, then don't create one for yourself. You have the power to make whatever life you want. No one else can give that to you.

What does a non-boring, exciting, fulfilled life look like to you?

[Mars22]

In my experience breaking no contact is a recipe for re-engagement, even if I label it as closure.  With a borderline significant other or family member there is no such thing.  When I reach out in my weak moments I inevitably get burned.  It is I who need reassurance and validation that my love, attention, and investment in the relationship was of value.  The BPD person does not validate.  It's just one more hook we give them to pull us back into the fray.  If you are truly finished with this man, the only way to stay emotionally safe is to block him on all social media, cell phone, etc, and not to go looking for him or "peeking" at his accounts.  It can only lead to horrible pain when you find out he has replaced you.  Trust me.  I have experience.  Best wishes to you.  

Thanks.  No chance of re-engagement as been NC for nearly 3 months and he hasn't responded to any of my previous attempts.  He was a friend whom I developed feelings for and was sure they were mutual, but he cut me off after an argument and attempts to reconcile were futile.

I need to move on.  I'm tired of feeling 'like this' but do not know what 'like this' is anymore... .

Seems the 3 month mark is the magic number for us nons to reach out. I too was doing really well at going NC for 3 months but, just recently - a week ago sent an email to

My xgfBPD and have nothing back. My email was very short though.

Expectations... Well, sure ... That's why we do it.

Has it set me back? - well, yes it has. I'm feeling like I'm back at square one. She could never give me any real answers when we were in the r/s so why now, after only 3 months do I feel she has changed? I'm not kidding myself anymore. I've learned my lesson. We signify the very worst of who they are as people. Why would she want feel that way again by acknowledging me? Won't happen... Unless she is going through Dialetic therapy... So, Doubtful.

The real lessons begin now.

[Hopefulgirl]

Had a similar experience with my BPD friend.  I fb messaged him and even nicer note than yours was. Once its sent it cannot be unsent even if you get off fb or block after, he still can see it. How I wish there was an app that could delete or revise texts or messages sent!  If he wanted to unfriend or block he would of done it by now. Mine defriended immediately without a word, then of course I sent another text telling him how much that action hurt my feelings of course met with silence.  Sometimes they have no choice but to sever, the only way of coping.

Waiting for response is torturous. But I agree that if you dont "speak your peace" then you end up feeling they somehow got away treating you unfairly. He knows. You are probably not the first woman to write him. We always want communication but it can get turned back on us so easily. Whatever gets sent or not sent back DON"T TAKE IN PERSONALLY. If he cares eventually you will hear back

[insideoutside]

In my experience breaking no contact is a recipe for re-engagement, even if I label it as closure.  With a borderline significant other or family member there is no such thing.  When I reach out in my weak moments I inevitably get burned.  It is I who need reassurance and validation that my love, attention, and investment in the relationship was of value.  The BPD person does not validate.  It's just one more hook we give them to pull us back into the fray.  If you are truly finished with this man, the only way to stay emotionally safe is to block him on all social media, cell phone, etc, and not to go looking for him or "peeking" at his accounts.  It can only lead to horrible pain when you find out he has replaced you.  Trust me.  I have experience.  Best wishes to you.  

Thanks.  No chance of re-engagement as been NC for nearly 3 months and he hasn't responded to any of my previous attempts.  He was a friend whom I developed feelings for and was sure they were mutual, but he cut me off after an argument and attempts to reconcile were futile.

I need to move on.  I'm tired of feeling 'like this' but do not know what 'like this' is anymore... .

Seems the 3 month mark is the magic number for us nons to reach out. I too was doing really well at going NC for 3 months but, just recently - a week ago sent an email to

My xgfBPD and have nothing back. My email was very short though.

Expectations... Well, sure ... That's why we do it.

Has it set me back? - well, yes it has. I'm feeling like I'm back at square one. She could never give me any real answers when we were in the r/s so why now, after only 3 months do I feel she has changed? I'm not kidding myself anymore. I've learned my lesson. We signify the very worst of who they are as people. Why would she want feel that way again by acknowledging me? Won't happen... Unless she is going through Dialetic therapy... So, Doubtful.

The real lessons begin now.

Hi Mars

The thing is, he is in therapy; I am assuming dialectic and he does it a couple of times a week.  When he is feeling particularly bad he does it daily.  He is very aware of his condition (although he says he is bipolar, but has other 'issues' which he wouldn't disclose but I feel its BPD given he meets so much of the criteria) so attends therapy regular, very aware of when he is being 'outlandish', eats well (clean, not rubbish), doesn't do drugs or drink as he knows his condition can lead to addictions (as they did in the past).

So this is what confuses me; somebody who is totally aware of their disorder but still does the cut off/ST.  We had a few ST's over the time we got back in touch but nothing like this one.

[insideoutside]

Had a similar experience with my BPD friend.  I fb messaged him and even nicer note than yours was. Once its sent it cannot be unsent even if you get off fb or block after, he still can see it. How I wish there was an app that could delete or revise texts or messages sent!  If he wanted to unfriend or block he would of done it by now. Mine defriended immediately without a word, then of course I sent another text telling him how much that action hurt my feelings of course met with silence.  Sometimes they have no choice but to sever, the only way of coping.

Waiting for response is torturous. But I agree that if you dont "speak your peace" then you end up feeling they somehow got away treating you unfairly. He knows. You are probably not the first woman to write him. We always want communication but it can get turned back on us so easily. Whatever gets sent or not sent back DON"T TAKE IN PERSONALLY. If he cares eventually you will hear back

I'm sorry to hear that you too are going through something similar.

My friend isn't big on social media; he uses it as a medium for people to contact him through (I guess those looking him up after ex amount of years) as he doesn't have friends on it, no photos (apart from profile), no information at all and you can't add him as a friend either (looked via my daughter's FB to see if it was just me who couldn't).  

FB is how we came to be back in contact again, then after weeks of us chatting/texting regularly he deleted his FB account.  Then when he went through a period of ST with me, he set one back up to msg me about losing his phone and using that as an excuse as to why he hadn't been in touch.  Then he deleted it again, then it was back up again, then deleted again and following yet another ST in November he deleted it for months until May this year then set it back up again.  So the reason I may not be blocked is that he just doesn't use it very often.  I am sure he will at some point though.  I am also sure he is using the messenger 'accept or ignore request' feature to screen messages so I don't know whether he has read them or not.