Trying to focus on normal break-up feelings

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I'm about three and a half months out of my relationship with my ex, who is undiagnosed (as far as I know) but seems to me to have many BPD traits. As so many others here have described their own experiences, this break-up was unlike anything I've ever experienced -- physical pain, anxiety, confusion, loss of motivation, loss of appetite, loss of sleep, absolutely constant ruminations and intrusive thoughts about my ex, etc etc

In the past week or so, I feel I've caught glimpses of what feel like "normal break-up feelings" - a kind of sad acceptance of the fact that it's over, an ability to remember some of the good times and feel happy for them, a sense that there's no turning back now, wondering whether we'll ever reminisce happily together. This is all still shot through with the more horrible feelings described above, but I'm trying to hold onto these new, more normal feelings.

Anyone else go through something like this?

[rfriesen]

I'm about three and a half months out of my relationship with my ex, who is undiagnosed (as far as I know) but seems to me to have many BPD traits. As so many others here have described their own experiences, this break-up was unlike anything I've ever experienced -- physical pain, anxiety, confusion, loss of motivation, loss of appetite, loss of sleep, absolutely constant ruminations and intrusive thoughts about my ex, etc etc

In the past week or so, I feel I've caught glimpses of what feel like "normal break-up feelings" - a kind of sad acceptance of the fact that it's over, an ability to remember some of the good times and feel happy for them, a sense that there's no turning back now, wondering whether we'll ever reminisce happily together. This is all still shot through with the more horrible feelings described above, but I'm trying to hold onto these new, more normal feelings.

Anyone else go through something like this?

[bunny4523]

I don't know if you will ever reminisce happily together.  Everyone is different but my ex BPD did nothing wrong in his eyes and I was the evil person to get away from.  So I'm not expecting it to ever change.  And even if it did... .one day.  My best guess is it would change back. That has been my personal experience with BPD.  The hardest part is trying to understand because you never will... .The best thing you can do for yourself is cut your losses and build yourself back up. 

I know what you mean by normal breakup feelings, I've had them with every other ex... .but this has been different.  Be careful that you aren't just hoping for things to feel normal because you want to somehow reconnect, feel that good again.  Remember in these relationships... .it changes back and forth. It has been easier for me to focus on the negative... .just easier for me to keep my distance that way and not get wrapped up in any hurt.  Usually thinking about the hurt helps me process and release it but not with this relationship.  It hasn't helped except for writing letters.  Their reactions just don't make sense, it is so mean and so damaging and there is no stopping it.  It's horrible, the most horrible abuse I've ever experienced.  I have no found memories, except when I think how I almost married him but then I smile because I dodged a bullet.

Bunny

[gotbushels]

I'm about three and a half months out of my relationship with my ex,

Good to hear rfriesen   

Anyone else go through something like this?

Yes, I felt my feelings go from abhorrence → anger → irritation.

I was pretty determined to get something out of it because my ex said to me "I'm just going to use you to learn and move on". Oh no you don't. 

I think the anger chain is like a tree with sweet apples on a very cold day. Shake it up--you might knocked on the head, but at least you get some fruit.




You can make it rain gummy bears too I suppose.

[rfriesen]

Thanks gotbushels! And I like the metaphor

Interesting parallel with my ex, too. She used to always hold it against me that I had fond memories of my previous girlfriends and had even stayed friends with a few. By the end, she described this as "sick" and said I didn't know how to let go. Describing her own past relationships, she said that "they had served their purpose" and that she had put them behind her. At the time, I didn't exactly agree, but I didn't push back either. Now that the fog is starting to clear, I'm angry that she almost had me believing it. After things ended, I told her, "You always want to end relationships in hate. I want to pull something positive even out of the pain. So, sure, maybe I dwell a little too much at times, maybe I hold on more than most, trying to salvage the positive. But that's sure better than throwing people aside with anger and hate."

This break-up has been a challenge on a whole other level than anything I've experienced, but I still think it's important for me to find the positive. I've learned a lot about myself and what makes me tick, hurt, love, crave, etc, in relationships. And I also believe that I'll be able to look back fondly on the good times with my ex. So, yes, I feel like I've been knocked on the head - and stabbed in the heart - pretty hard. But I'll enjoy the fruit eventually ... .

[gotbushels]

Interesting parallel with my ex, too. She used to always hold it against me that I had fond memories of my previous girlfriends and had even stayed friends with a few.

Yes, it's a pain when people hold your past against you. When my ex ran out of ammo, she started looking for things from years before to throw. She dug the soil to find new things to throw at me--even apples that didn't even belong to her:)

Describing her own past relationships, she said that "they had served their purpose" and that she had put them behind her. At the time, I didn't exactly agree, but I didn't push back either. Now that the fog is starting to clear, I'm angry that she almost had me believing it. After things ended, I told her, "You always want to end relationships in hate. I want to pull something positive even out of the pain. So, sure, maybe I dwell a little too much at times, maybe I hold on more than most, trying to salvage the positive. But that's sure better than throwing people aside with anger and hate."

It looks like you know where you're going rfriesen. I'm happy for you:) I found good things in this area.

I'd encourage you to work on Inventory while your anger is still in view. You already know not to dwell on it--take advantage of your position. Members who've recovered well have made this stage a significant part of the healing process.

Take heart and I hope you enjoy your weekend 

[atomic popsicles]

When I saw the title of your post I thought "Hahaha"... .not in a mean way but a "WOW, I cant imagine that right now" way. Your post makes me feel so good that you are starting to move through this. I would question myself about the reminiscing feelings. Everyone is different, but for me that would be 1 step away from trying to get back together.

I haven't had many relationships, though, so I have a tendency to hold on. I know the times I reminisced with my non BPD ex about our kids was very rare. With my stbx, it won't happen.

[rfriesen]

Atomic popsicles,

I hear what you're saying, and I'm taking every step forward cautiously. And I don't hold onto the idea of actually reminiscing happily with my ex. Based on her past relationships, that's not something she's capable of doing. But it has been a significant part of moving on for me after my past relationships -- I've even developed a couple of close friendships out of past romantic relationships. That always felt healthy to me, until my ex started attacking me for it and made me question all my motives.

I just meant that in the past week or so, I've caught glimpses of those same feelings I used to have after other break-ups. The feeling that I would someday be able to sit with my ex and remember happy times without simultaneously being tormented by the bad times or by the thought of getting back together. Given the way my ex is, I don't see it ever actually happening, but there was something reassuring about finding something (however fleeting for now) familiar about this break-up, making it seem less like a complete apocalypse and more like recovering from the end of a relationship in ways that I have done before ... .

[atomic popsicles]

Got it... .makes sense. Very healthy, I think.