Hi DontKnow88,
I read through your recent posts and I'm so sorry to hear your baby's dad is struggling so much, and has left you to raise your child alone after having a meltdown. Having a newborn and being on your own is really really tough :'( I'm glad your baby is a good sleeper, and hope your support network is rising up to embrace you so you can float a bit and settle into the rhythms of being a new mama with your precious bundle.
Success may look very different than what you imagine starting out.
With kids involved, success may be about raising an emotionally resilient child. The good news is that the skills you learn (the ones lbjnltx mentioned) are the same ones that will give your child emotional resilience. Having a mentally ill loved one can be a gift like no other because it calls upon us to become the most emotionally aware and resilient members of our families, of our communities.
We learn how to regulate emotions, how to feel empathy, how to become active listeners. We learn how to develop opposite actions when our loved ones dysregulate. We learn to validate, to set limits and boundaries. We learn to practice self-care and self-compassion, we learn to self-validate. We learn to coach instead of rescue/fix, we learn to assess and ask our loved ones what they need from us, and give them confidence that they can problem-solve on their own.
If you come from a family who lacked these skills, you will become the first to change the script. This site is filled with members who are doing the same, who trust that there is something good in these painful stories we inherit.
Your child's father may not be active and reliable in the sense you had hoped for, and there is a lot of grief in that reality. He may go through periods where he is more emotionally regulated and can participate in a way that is safe for your family. Until he dysregulates again.
What gave me comfort is learning that people with BPD tend to regulate themselves based on their external environment. A validating environment in which you lovingly state your boundaries or limits will make it easier for him to stay out of an emotional whirlpool. It won't stop him from having intense emotions, nor will it be easy for you to regulate your own emotions. What it will do is model for your child healthy ways of regulating emotions -- and if baby's dad is bipolar/BPD, you may find that your child is also genetically predisposed to be emotionally sensitive. Anything you learn will make a world of difference for your child.
We cannot always know what success will look like, tho I know it is hard to let go of the dream. We're here to walk alongside you as you develop skills and practice with us.
There is never an end to the learning.
