uBPDbm's on/off bf

[Thunderstruck]

There's a strange situation unraveling, and DH and I are not sure what actions to take (if any).

uBPDbm was living with another man when she met (and two weeks later got pregnant by) DH. We suspect the other guy is the father of her oldest daughter (so let's call him baby daddy #1). The two of them have always been on again/off again (even when DH was living with her).

In July last year BD#1 got married and uBPDbm did not take it well. In January of this year his new wife reached out to us (because of a crazy situation that happened with uBPDbm and the older DD). The other wife and I have been talking and comparing notes. A few months ago the wife had finally had it with his lies and wanted a divorce. Things between them have been a little crazy since then. (I'm starting to suspect that he's NPD, which would make sense with the NPD/BPD relationship of him and uBPDbm).

He was refusing to move out, but apparently on the weekends when the STBxw had her daughter BD#1 was staying at uBPDbm's house (those weekends lined up with when we had SD11, so this has gone unnoticed by us).

There was a big blow up last night between BD#1 and STBxw, where BD#1 threatened to shoot her and uBPDbm was texting him and egging him on to do it. STBxw finally kicked him out for good and says she is filing a TRO.

Well now this emotional, unstable person is living full time with uBPDbm and SD11.  And, of course, we're worried. STBxw doesn't always follow through but if she proceeds with the TRO and the divorce, BD#1 is going to be really triggered.

We are 50/50 and currently have a week on/week off schedule in the summer.

Are there actions that we should take? Court? CPS? Inform the CE and wait 10 years to finally get her report? (sorry, sarcasm, but seriously this CE is taking her darn sweet time here). Or should we just let it go and hope nothing goes wrong?

[Nope]

This is a tough one. A lot of it depends on what you can prove. When the kids came for the summer before DH got custody BPDm dropped the kids off with a new boyfriend in the car. We did some digging and found out he had DV rap sheet spanning 20 years. We had a PI go by the house and confirm he was living there and then went and got a hearing for emergency custody which was granted. I should add that the night after they dropped the kids off he beat up BPDm so bad she went to urgent care and there was a police report of the incident. So we could not only prove he was generally dangerous but also that he was a specific danger.

If you suspect this guy is NPD and he's prone to making crazy threats then maybe his STBxw isn't the only one who's been pushed too far by him. On the other hand if he isn't known to be physically violent and the only thing you've got is what you're getting told by his STBex then it could just look like your feeding into drama that's none of your business. The good news if he doesn't have any kind of record at this point in his life then it's likely he only makes out of control threats and SD is physically safe. Emotionally is a whole other ballgame though and you'll have to wait to do anything about that.

[sanemom]

So I saw this thread AFTER I asked about the report in the old thread... .I should have known you didn't have it yet.  `

I spent $50 and got a PI to get a basic report including arrests, etc. on someone... .would that be helpful?  If something comes up that is significant, THEN share it with the CE and wait another 10 years... .if not, don't bother telling the CE, and maybe you will get your report by Christmas.

[Thunderstruck]

We've done preliminary checks on BD#1 since he has been around often. There's not much in his background. He tries to keep his nose clean because he has aspirations of being a cop (but I heard he got fired from being an EMT due to drug use... .so... .I don't know). He just seems to have a temper.

Last night I creeped past uBPDbm's apartment. Her car was not there so she was probably at work (the strip club) but BD#1's car was there. Not sure about the male roommate, I don't know what car he drives. (this is her visitation week with SD11).

DH couldn't fall asleep last night, he was worried about SD11. It's tough.  :'(

[ForeverDad]

Be cautious with your, um, observations as you drive/walk past.  A PI can do that, it's his job as a basically neutral observer, and bonded.  You're not since you have an interest in the matter.  If it became an issue you could be accused of stalking.  Consequences are unlikely but it could be needless complications.

I sought full custody when I filed for divorce.  My then-stbEx's response was to counter file for full custody too and also file over in civil court that I was stalking her, anything to make me look worse than her.  She claimed daily calls (when I unsuccessfully called trying to speak to my son), attending once the same congregation for an annual observance (Lord's Evening Meal or Last Supper) and following her at friends' home used for child exchanges (just passing her to/from).

Of course, that was at the start of my case and emotions were running high.  Your case has been around for a while so probably not a huge issue.

[bravhart1]

Is it even crazy that you are typing, mom was at work at the strip club while her first married BF was at home with your SD while in the mist of threatening his ex.

Why is your SD not being protected by the court? Where is the CE report?

Maybe you should send CE a notarized letter stating that if anything happens to your SD, that her failure to get the report to the court in a timely manner will force you to hold her personally responsible. ( insert angry emoji here)

Sorry but I'm getting worked up for you here. This is unconscionable.