Violence/BPD/non's/Life learning

[seenr]

I grew up in a house where there were sometimes violent acts. Items broken, on the rare occasion hitting, doors slammed, not pleasant. I saw one sibling very damaged by all that went on, trying to intervene, stop the appalling comments, the pain, the physical and mental abuse that these rows brought. I swore as a youngster that I didn’t want my future family to be like that.

I know that between the ages of 14-18 I was reluctant to go out. I kissed a girl at 14 but she went off with another boy which hurt me. At 18, I fell for a girl in school. When she rejected me, the loss to my self-esteem was huge. It took me 6 years to get over it (18-24). I met a girl at 24 whom I spent 10 years with on & off. I think that relationship did major damage as she never wanted it like I did. She was a lovely girl, but passive. I tried everything to make it work but couldn’t let go.

Three months after finishing with her, I met the exBPD. In contrast to the girls mentioned above, she wanted me so much. She made me feel special. Looking back now, I can’t say for definite she had BPD, but she has some traits. She was a single Mum when we met. I fell for her within 3 months, moved in together after 9, she aborted our unborn child after 11 months and in a lot of ways the relationship never recovered. A fracture was in place from then that we both tried to fix. I know that for a long time she wanted to make things up to me by having a child with me, but when we did have a successful pregnancy, things had been so chaotic during the pregnancy that I left the household 6 months in. There had been at that stage, 3 serious acts of violence (her violent to me), I was isolated from both the bedroom and sitting room, she completely set herself up elsewhere. After leaving the house and trying to come back, my ex kept me at a distance. She demanded 10,000 dollars for me to move back in, she only just allowed me to attend the final scan, she didn’t allow me at the birth and since he was born we made two attempts to live together and they were difficult. In the time I know her there has been violence between her & her daughter at least 6 times, between her & I maybe 7 (I once broke a household item at the end of a row that lasted three hours with her raging at me – I felt at my wits end, the other times it was her throwing things at me or hitting my car) and that’s not even daring to count the doors slammed, drawers smashed back into place, cutlery put down with force, possessions confiscated & attempted to be broken.

I know that when I have seen her and her daughter be violent to each other I’ve sometimes froze, afraid if I intervened they might turn on me and make false claims. But when she was violent to me, I do recall this feeling going off inside me that was causing butterflies in my stomach, not good ones, but ones that were hoping against hope that the violence would cease. I know they are the same feelings I had as a child, listening to my parents downstairs, waiting for something to crash. Analysing all of this, I feel like I’ve come full circle and joined the dots. Some conclusions are:

1 – I hate violence and what I saw as a child made me hypersensitive to it or to rows.

2 – I loved how my (suspected) BPDexgf wanted me so much. I didn’t want me as a child, I still don’t like me, but am trying to. I have sought external validation for approx 38 of my 42 years (ever since primary school, possibly when I left my parent's daily routine & had to go to school)

3 – I was willing to put up with so much because from exBPD (i) I saw my parent’s relationship evolve that way (ii) thought that’s what love was – sticking together no matter what (iii) I didn’t think I deserved any better. I did similar in previous relationships, but on a far lesser scale.

4 – I changed so much when my Son was born 3 years ago. I matured inside 24 hours and drinking and the easy life was replaced by responsibility and wanting to be with him.

5 – Fractures in a relationship are very hard to repair. If me & exBPDgf ever try again, I have boundaries ready to put up.

6 – exBPD is a person too. I loved her, it wasn’t all her fault.

7 – I contributed massively to the push/pull cycle.

8 – I know I am not easy to live with. I have work to do. I am doing this every day. I can slip into silent periods which affect my partner. This is not by design, but how are they to know that unless I talk?

9 – If us being apart means my Son & his step sister have at least one happy home, it is all worth it.

10 – If I get into another relationship, there are so many things I would do differently.

All of the above is what I’ve come to terms with this week. Part of me craves my ex. But I’m working on me, how to fix me, how to like me, how to just be me.

I hope this post helps at least one other person on this board.

Thanks,

seenr

[gotbushels]

Congratulations on your journey seenr:)

These stood out for me:

I grew up in a house where there were sometimes violent acts. Items broken, on the rare occasion hitting, doors slammed, not pleasant. I saw one sibling very damaged by all that went on, trying to intervene, stop the appalling comments, the pain, the physical and mental abuse that these rows brought. I swore as a youngster that I didn’t want my future family to be like that.

I associate this with the balanced and healthier way I want to move forward with my family.

My growth from the relationship was noticing that I started to feel better. Some of this came from seeing what I was responsible for and what I was not. Developing that healthy view.

6 – exBPD is a person too. I loved her, it wasn’t all her fault.

With that freedom, I could then decide where I did want to be responsible.

4 – I changed so much when my Son was born 3 years ago. I matured inside 24 hours and drinking and the easy life was replaced by responsibility and wanting to be with him.

9 – If us being apart means my Son & his step sister have at least one happy home, it is all worth it.

Thank you for sharing:)