Moving Forward

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Tell me again how to start focusing on the future, please. Is focusing on me and the future just finding things to do from one minute to the next?

I have no idea what goals I have for my future. I don't even know what I like to do. I just want to stop crying and stop missing him.

[atomic popsicles]

Tell me again how to start focusing on the future, please. Is focusing on me and the future just finding things to do from one minute to the next?

I have no idea what goals I have for my future. I don't even know what I like to do. I just want to stop crying and stop missing him.

[Wize]

Tell me again how to start focusing on the future, please. Is focusing on me and the future just finding things to do from one minute to the next?

I have no idea what goals I have for my future. I don't even know what I like to do. I just want to stop crying and stop missing him.

I think it's important to cry and let your emotions wash through you.  Over time you'll miss him less. 

You move forward by continuing to live without him and getting used to being single, that's the only way.  It takes time to get used to the single you.  The transition from coupled to single is painful because being coupled is how most of us want to be. We're losing something that, in our view, is a crucial component to happiness; a significant other.

Right now you're still in the very raw and painful stages of grief and loss.  This is the hardest stage because our ex's are still in the forefront of all our thoughts.  We even feel them in our bodies.  It's physical and psychological.  In a very real sense we go through withdrawals.  This is your withdrawal stage.  You're getting him out of your system.  And he will get out.  Just takes time.  Sorry.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey AP-

First, don't make yourself wrong for crying and missing him; grieving is a stage of detachment and the only way out is through, so cry until you can cry no more.  Crying is what pain leaving feels like.

Next, do you remember a time before you met him that you were really happy?  What were you doing?  Who were you with?  How did you feel about yourself?  Go there emotionally, no really go there.  And now believe that state, those conditions, are not only obtainable again, you're wiser now, plus we value things more when we lose them and then get them back.  So take those past conditions and envision you living a new life, a future life, a life of your creation, the life of your dreams.  What does that look like?  What does it sound like?  What does it feel like?  Who are you with?  What are you doing?

Going there visually is a start, but it will get real when you go there emotionally, all the way, fully associated to it.  And BTW, don't put a version of him in there that doesn't exist; that's a fantasy, we can make dreams real by first visualizing them and then taking the steps to make them real in the world, fantasies stay fantasies.

You may not be in a place where this is easy, it's a process of shifting the focus from him to you and from the past to the future at whatever pace is right; going too slowly and we can get stuck, going too fast and we can get delusional, best to use that now finely tuned gut feel, the one most of us ignored in the relationship, and felt how much that hurts, so now that it's finely tuned, us it to check in with where you are.  And just thinking about the future, habitually, has an impact.

So, what do you think?

[atomic popsicles]

Fromheeltoheal-

You are so good at making me think. I honestly don't remember what I enjoy. I love music, and going out to dinner, but money is a bit tight. I think I need to explore new things... .  I think before him when I was happy I was independent, meeting people. I have to keep thinking about it. I need to find my own happy!

[fromheeltoheal]

Fromheeltoheal-

You are so good at making me think. I honestly don't remember what I enjoy. I love music, and going out to dinner, but money is a bit tight. I think I need to explore new things... .  I think before him when I was happy I was independent, meeting people. I have to keep thinking about it. I need to find my own happy!

Nice!  And how about creating your own happy, that way you don't need to look for it?

[Grey Kitty]

I honestly don't remember what I enjoy. I love music, and going out to dinner, but money is a bit tight. I think I need to explore new things... .  I think before him when I was happy I was independent, meeting people. I have to keep thinking about it. I need to find my own happy!

I've always been pretty laid back, happy to let somebody who has fun ideas take the driver's seat and direct me to doing cool things instead of doing the work of deciding for myself. And my wife of many years was usually happy to do that for me. When we split, I'd mostly forgotten too, after ~25 years, and since we started in my early 20's before I graduated from college, I'd kinda grown the rest of the way into being an adult with her.

I kinda kept putting one foot in front of the other, with lots of time crying and hurting and leaning on friends emotionally. I didn't make any big plans or changes that weren't needed.

Gradually, and in fits and starts, the darkness lifted, and I'm hitting a phase of my life where I'm really enjoying my choices today, but that was a long time coming for me.

I still remember a time a month or two into the split where I took the time to cook myself a really good meal, put it all together on a plate at the table and sat down to eat with a brief prayer of gratitude for the food. And promptly started crying, and continued on and off during the meal. Just feeling overwhelmed at receiving the kindness from myself, if that makes any sense.

Perhaps figuring out how to be kind to yourself will be easier than finding happy?

[woundedPhoenix]

I struggled with that too a while ago. You keep in a way pushing yourself to get going with your new life, but often don't quite see the path or what you really want in terms of needs going onto that road.

I read the book From Abandonment To Healing, and it uses several exercises to reconnect with your needs and imagine a future. With that knowledge i build myself my very own visualisation exercise:

THE ABYSS.

You are standing near an abyss. Imagine it like you are right at the edge of a huge and deep meteor impact zone. The sky is dark and apocalyptic, the landscape is totally covered with dark gray ashes, and it's so quiet that you only hear your footsteps on the soil cracking like snow.

The crater hole is so steep and deep, when you look down into its darkness you get reminded of the past terror and destruction you experienced, and feel the extreme loneliness and sadness it left you with. It's the impact zone where your BPD relationship crashlanded, it's your ground zero.

You seem to be stuck in this deadly area for quite some time now, the place has some pull that keeps you there, it's like moving on is to hard and you rather keep mourning there cause atleast the loneliness and sadness feels familiar.

You are all alone there you think. But suddenly you hear a young voice crying softly. It's a child that cries for help. It's your inner child that is lost there too.

You can spend a while getting to know this little kid, while you both sit down overlooking the crater and have conversations over what happened and how it all felt. Discover how you look back and how the child looks back, how you basically share the same experience but with different angles. Your inner child will finally tell you what it needs and after that it will want to leave this place of sadness and loneliness.

And then it's up to you two to imagine the journey ahead. You stand up, and start walking, guiding your little child as the adult that's now responsible for it, you need to listen to it and take care of its needs, but it's also your buddy for the road, you are on this trip together. Like parent and child.



At first you may have no idea where to go because as far as you can see you only see the dark gray ashfilled soil.

But maybe there is light your inner child notices in the far distance. Maybe you see a path you can follow. Maybe there is a map laying on the floor, or any other hint that may put you both on a first direction to start walking in.

And as you start visualizing your trip, step by step you may meet new people, discover new places, experience unexpected adventures together, or run into threaths that you may need to protect your inner child from


I spend 5 to 10 minutes each day working on this visualisation. You can expand and reshape the visualisation day after day. Add things and places to the story, or simply talk with your inner child while walking further on your journey. whatever you feel like.


It may sound strange at first, but it has both shown me a lot about what i want to work towards in the future and also what i need in taking care for myself and the unfullfilled needs of that inner child.

[atomic popsicles]

Thank you so much Wounded!