It finally makes sense

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I just wanted to thank everyone here for this excellent forum. The background information is really helpful, and I've been touching on a lot of the introductory material for newbies over the last few weeks. It's surreal to read other people's stories and feel as though I'm seeing events from my life with my spouse (who has many BPD traits). I thought it was about time for me to speak up and join the group "officially".

I have recently separated from my spouse of more than a decade, whose behaviours have become increasingly hurtful and confusing over the last half of the relationship. I have recently begun to attend counselling to process the life change, deal with my emotions surrounding recent events and what the future holds, and develop a strategy to provide the best support possible to our young child.

My spouse (SO) has had a continuous, multi-year run of clinical depression, and has attended treatment with various psychiatrists sporadically in that time at my urging, while taking medication continuously. Professionally, in that time, my outwardly ambitious spouse has been unable to hold down work despite being intelligent and having a solid educational background.

SO became increasingly withdrawn socially from friends and family, spending at least 22 hours a day in a room alone playing video games, reading, or sleeping, including at times when we needed SO's income and work was available for which SO was eligible. SO went through multiple episodes of cutting off contact with various of SO's family members for months or years, and asked me to do so, too, despite my having a civil relationship with those family members.

My spouse showed no interest in our young child, and confided to me that, "I don't want to play with [Child] because it isn't interesting to me." Or, "Playing with [Child] isn't of any value to me." SO told me that [Child] had replaced SO, and SO resented that my attention was now shared with [Child]. SO would generally only sit next to our child and play on a computer or tablet while occasionally commenting on what [Child] was doing. Our child would often come to me crying, saying that SO hadn't paid Child any attention, or had done something overtly hurtful. Toward the end of our time together, SO had begun to engage in physically aggressive "discipline" with Child, even with other adults present, including forcefully grabbing Child by the neck and restraining child forcibly. I COULD NOT allow that to happen to our child!

Threats of suicide became recurrent anytime there was any discussion about the relationship or sharing of responsibilities. I became aware of a pattern of lying on SO's part, to the degree that I was unable to trust statements SO made. As examples, the lies involved things like:

- SO committing professional misconduct, for which there can be significant penalties, then lying about it to the profession's governing body to avoid punishment.

- SO discontinuing psychiatric treatment despite pretending to attend.

- SO pretending to pay for major household expenses, even when money was readily available, and then missing housing payments or having the power shut off.

- SO failing to apply for unemployment insurance despite promises to the contrary, despite being eligible and reminded weekly over a period of six months.

- SO claiming to have provided medical referrals from previous doctors to a new psychiatrist, but not doing so. Continuing treatment with the new psychiatrist without a multi-year treatment record on file.

In the last month we were together, SO disappeared from the house for multiple hours on end unannounced, only to return at night. One night, I woke up around 3am to find SO standing over me and watching me in my sleep. When SO noticed I had woken, SO kissed me and said, "I love you so much", then left the room. A week later, I found internet searches on SO's computer about buying knives, making prohibited firearms, stockpiling ammunition, and tactical shooting with children in the house. I had the police remove SO from the house, they put a restriction on SO's firearms licence. SO insisted that the searches were innocuous (just survivalist), that I was making a terrible mistake, and that SO would never come back.

Despite these events, SO has maintained intermittent contact with me in a misplaced belief that we will reconcile. I've received teary voice mails in the middle of the night with SO promising to "turn into the spouse I want SO to be", sappy e-mails, and suggestions of visits. We recently had a video chat, and SO wouldn't accept any responsibility for the behaviours I've described above. Each grievance was somehow my fault. In almost half a year, SO hasn't seen [Child], and didn't even maintain any form of contact (even e-mail or phone calls with Child) for a period of several months. SO's most recent contact with [Child] was at my request, and required multiple days because SO didn't answer the pre-arranged call.

There are many less obvious and more personal behaviours I noticed in SO that scream personality disorder, stretching back to the start of our relationship. I had felt that depression wasn't the final answer to what I was observing, and it has been eye-opening to read about BPD at my counsellor's recommendation. It closely mirrors what I was seeing in SO and explains a lot.

Wow... .that was long-winded! Thanks to anyone who stuck with me through that novel of a first post!

[puck]

I just wanted to thank everyone here for this excellent forum. The background information is really helpful, and I've been touching on a lot of the introductory material for newbies over the last few weeks. It's surreal to read other people's stories and feel as though I'm seeing events from my life with my spouse (who has many BPD traits). I thought it was about time for me to speak up and join the group "officially".

I have recently separated from my spouse of more than a decade, whose behaviours have become increasingly hurtful and confusing over the last half of the relationship. I have recently begun to attend counselling to process the life change, deal with my emotions surrounding recent events and what the future holds, and develop a strategy to provide the best support possible to our young child.

My spouse (SO) has had a continuous, multi-year run of clinical depression, and has attended treatment with various psychiatrists sporadically in that time at my urging, while taking medication continuously. Professionally, in that time, my outwardly ambitious spouse has been unable to hold down work despite being intelligent and having a solid educational background.

SO became increasingly withdrawn socially from friends and family, spending at least 22 hours a day in a room alone playing video games, reading, or sleeping, including at times when we needed SO's income and work was available for which SO was eligible. SO went through multiple episodes of cutting off contact with various of SO's family members for months or years, and asked me to do so, too, despite my having a civil relationship with those family members.

My spouse showed no interest in our young child, and confided to me that, "I don't want to play with [Child] because it isn't interesting to me." Or, "Playing with [Child] isn't of any value to me." SO told me that [Child] had replaced SO, and SO resented that my attention was now shared with [Child]. SO would generally only sit next to our child and play on a computer or tablet while occasionally commenting on what [Child] was doing. Our child would often come to me crying, saying that SO hadn't paid Child any attention, or had done something overtly hurtful. Toward the end of our time together, SO had begun to engage in physically aggressive "discipline" with Child, even with other adults present, including forcefully grabbing Child by the neck and restraining child forcibly. I COULD NOT allow that to happen to our child!

Threats of suicide became recurrent anytime there was any discussion about the relationship or sharing of responsibilities. I became aware of a pattern of lying on SO's part, to the degree that I was unable to trust statements SO made. As examples, the lies involved things like:

- SO committing professional misconduct, for which there can be significant penalties, then lying about it to the profession's governing body to avoid punishment.

- SO discontinuing psychiatric treatment despite pretending to attend.

- SO pretending to pay for major household expenses, even when money was readily available, and then missing housing payments or having the power shut off.

- SO failing to apply for unemployment insurance despite promises to the contrary, despite being eligible and reminded weekly over a period of six months.

- SO claiming to have provided medical referrals from previous doctors to a new psychiatrist, but not doing so. Continuing treatment with the new psychiatrist without a multi-year treatment record on file.

In the last month we were together, SO disappeared from the house for multiple hours on end unannounced, only to return at night. One night, I woke up around 3am to find SO standing over me and watching me in my sleep. When SO noticed I had woken, SO kissed me and said, "I love you so much", then left the room. A week later, I found internet searches on SO's computer about buying knives, making prohibited firearms, stockpiling ammunition, and tactical shooting with children in the house. I had the police remove SO from the house, they put a restriction on SO's firearms licence. SO insisted that the searches were innocuous (just survivalist), that I was making a terrible mistake, and that SO would never come back.

Despite these events, SO has maintained intermittent contact with me in a misplaced belief that we will reconcile. I've received teary voice mails in the middle of the night with SO promising to "turn into the spouse I want SO to be", sappy e-mails, and suggestions of visits. We recently had a video chat, and SO wouldn't accept any responsibility for the behaviours I've described above. Each grievance was somehow my fault. In almost half a year, SO hasn't seen [Child], and didn't even maintain any form of contact (even e-mail or phone calls with Child) for a period of several months. SO's most recent contact with [Child] was at my request, and required multiple days because SO didn't answer the pre-arranged call.

There are many less obvious and more personal behaviours I noticed in SO that scream personality disorder, stretching back to the start of our relationship. I had felt that depression wasn't the final answer to what I was observing, and it has been eye-opening to read about BPD at my counsellor's recommendation. It closely mirrors what I was seeing in SO and explains a lot.

Wow... .that was long-winded! Thanks to anyone who stuck with me through that novel of a first post!

[Meili]

Hello.

I'm at a loss for words after reading what you experienced. I cannot even begin to imagine most of it. My heart truly goes out to you and your child. No one, much less a child, should have to live with someone like that.

I am happy to hear that you are safe, that he's out of the house, and you are working on your healing.

[Turkish]

Hi puck,

I'd like to join Meili in welcoming you to our family.

I'm also glad that you are safe 

How old is your child,  and how do you deal with questions?

Though you aren't co-parenting, we have resources on the  Co-Parenting Board which can help you and your child grow through this.  You may want to post there for support specific in helping your child.  Members here on Detaching will certainly support you in understanding and detaching in the most healthy way possible. 



Turkish

[heartandwhole]

Hi puck,



I'm so glad you decided to post. You have been through so much; I'm so sorry that it has come to this. It is very painful to experience a family breakdown, even when we know that moving forward without each other is the best course for everyone. 

As Meili and Turkish have said, I am glad you and your child are safe. I commend you for focusing on your and your child's wellbeing. Seeing a therapist to help you during this transition is another great move. It helped me tremendously after my breakup.

Do you have friends and family whom you can lean on, puck? A supportive environment can help so much.

Keep writing, it helps to get it down. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole 

[Leonis]

So sorry to hear your experience.

The firearms part just sounded scary. I'm glad you took precautions and did what you did. So, what are your plans now?

[seenr]

The part that got to me there was the child crying about not getting attention. They are so important, to be treated like that is awful.

You have been through a huge amount - I hope you can receive some help and relief here.

The best of luck and best wishes to you and family.

[puck]

Thank you all for a warm welcome and your kind words! I'll reply to each of you individually.

[puck]

Hello.

I'm at a loss for words after reading what you experienced. I cannot even begin to imagine most of it. My heart truly goes out to you and your child. No one, much less a child, should have to live with someone like that.

I am happy to hear that you are safe, that he's out of the house, and you are working on your healing.

Hi Meili,

I'm finally breaking away from a mindset of condoning SO's behaviours or excusing them on the basis of depression. For so long, I tried to see things from SO's perspective with empathy in the hope that that approach would support SO receiving proper medical treatment and aid recovery from depression. The result was that I discounted the glaring reality that SO was not healthy, getting better, or even trying to move in that direction.

Whether SO was actually intending on acting out any sort of violence or was displaying those searches as a form of emotional manipulation to avoid separation is unknown to me. The suicide threats were recurrent, and my clinical responses may not have been satisfying to SO. I tended to view medical issues (including the psychological issues I've listed) as outside my wheelhouse and strongly encouraged treatment anytime an issue arose by a qualified professional (which was often!). SO's behaviour was becoming increasingly unexplainable. I wasn't willing to take the risk that charity on my part could result in someone in my family--or myself--being irreparably hurt.

Best,

puck

[Lilyroze]

  Hello Puck,

I am glad you found the board, though I am sorry for the reasons you had to find it.

I am writing as my story could mirror yours except the firearms. Probably would have been the same, he just never got around to getting certain licenses needed.

Towards the end it was and is like dealing with a whole different person. If I was not in charge of the bills and budget they wouldn't have gotten paid.

I have caught him in so many small and big lies, as well as details for work. Stalking people at work, with excuse he is in management. Very strange anger, deregulation etc. The fear, stress and anger has made me afraid at times, and just scared.

I try to have minimal contact now, and it is helping me heal physically and mentally. I was so sick at times but couldn't show it to my kids, work, most friends as I didn't want to bother anyone or admit how bad it had gotten.

There is so much of your story I could have written. The part about your child, is exactly what my youngest has gone through with him. He didn't pay attention, or want to talk or play with him at all. But would sit when home and play games or sleep. Many of the gamers were young so he could have tried to get my son to play or pay some attention some how. Told me no use didn't like to interact with him.

He was always making my son feel bad. When I had him leave he has no contact with my son at all but to say hi and bye when dropping off things till this is settled. Never emailed, or called him on his own. Even some holidays... .no calls nothing.

At times wants back, will get counseling etc. To what end, half of his is games, lies and well the BPD and whatever else is going on in his head. He won't go in for diagnosis as nothing is wrong, other times he says things are wrong and all my fault. My fault the kids don't talk to him, or he doesn't talk to them because of me.

What is real scary is he is delusional. Completely lately.

Most hurtful to my son... .he got into a fight with new neighbors when dropping off things here. He doesn't even live here. When my older son and youngest went out to apologize later for us ( with my permission, explaining he doesn't live here, we are sorry he has some issues right now) they apologized for their dog and said "sorry we didn't know your brother was mentally handicapped" hope it didn't scare him.

My son is not mentally handicapped. He is smart, good grades, artistic, kind and a wonderful kid. My stbx used my son as an excuse to fight them. I had no idea he said this or the neighbor would tell this to my son. He was devastated as you can imagine. Had to explain his Dad's undiagnosed mental illness, what a mess.

There is so much support and resources here, hope you can get some help. Is there family or friends that can lend an ear as well. Are you seeing a T ?

Take care of you during this trying time.

[puck]

Hi puck,

I'd like to join Meili in welcoming you to our family.

I'm also glad that you are safe 

How old is your child,  and how do you deal with questions?

... .




Turkish

Thanks Turkish! Everyone here is so nice and supportive. It feels like an oasis.

I will probably redact some of the more personal information here to preserve anonymity once folks have had a chance to read the story. Our child is 4, super smart, very emotionally attuned to the situation and perceptive.

It pains me to say this, but our child didn't even notice SO was gone for multiple days after SO was removed, except for noticing that my father had slept in the room SO had occupied previously one night after the neighbours hosted a party. That shows the extent to which SO chose self-alienation from the family.

The question Child asked was, "Where did [Parent] sleep?" At that point, I didn't know what the future would bring. I answered that SO had left town, was staying in a place familiar to us, and was going to get some medical care. I reassured Child that there was no pressing health issue. Child was comfortable with that answer and has had almost no questions or interest in SO since then.

When SO cut off contact with Child (and me) for multiple months, Child asked after the first few months if SO was dead. The question was posed in a matter-of-fact way while Child was playing and chatting with me while I cooked dinner one night. It was an understandable question--when a parent seemingly disappears without a trace, you ask questions! I reassured Child that SO was safe and living with SO's parents in another city known to Child. I explained that SO had a comfortable room to sleep in, nice meals to eat, and was safe and seeing a doctor. We talked about Child's feelings about the situation, how the absence of SO made Child feel, if Child had any worries or thought about this frequently. Child said, "No, I was just curious. I like things better this way." Child doesn't feel incrementally rejected by SO because that rejection had already happened, serially, for several years on a daily basis. The removal of the negative stressor of interaction with SO has, I'm sad (but also relieved) to say, been a positive for us both.

It's a very delicate balance choosing the right messaging that is emotionally supportive of Child, and which doesn't poison a possible future parent-child relationship between SO and Child down the line. Children need to have the chance at a relationship with both parents, if possible, and I will not bad-mouth SO, even if SO's behaviour has been egregious. That's a key reason why I've sought out counselling; both for myself (and Child)--to ensure Child has some emotionally satisfying and honest answers about the situation while being supported as well as possible.

I would very much like for SO to be a healthy, available, emotionally supportive parent to Child. More than anything! I would love for SO to be the spousal equivalent! It may be possible in the future if, by some epiphany, SO chooses to accept responsibility and do the heavy lifting of self-examination and participating actively in therapy. I hope it is. But experience has taught me that hope has to be tempered with a heaping dose of reality, and I want to help Child and I develop the healthy, active, loving life that we deserve. If SO is not part of it, that will be SO's choice. Make no mistake, I am laying the legal groundwork for an airtight case in favour of sole custody and only supervised visitation for SO (which I doubt SO will even choose to exercise, based on recent behaviours). SO is effectively making my case.

[puck]

Hi puck,



Do you have friends and family whom you can lean on, puck? A supportive environment can help so much.

heartandwhole 

Hi heaertandwhole!



It's so nice to hear from you! Thanks for your caring words and warm welcome.

Yes, we're so lucky to have a strong network of support from family, friends, and neighbours locally. Without divulging too many identifying details, we have daily contact with family and friends, and I have been able to provide financial stability to the family through my work, which is extremely flexible. I am friends with my employer, who is aware of our family situation in confidence, and who is providing superb supports at work to ensure that we are secure at this time in all respects. We're creating a new life, one that we like, and I'm trying to move on with Child in a way that builds a network of love and support so that Child can continue to grow and mature as an increasingly independent person with the confidence of knowing what a healthy, loving environment looks like. I NEVER want Child to seek out the behaviours demonstrated by SO (and some members of SO's family) or believe that they are, in any shape, normal.

[puck]

So sorry to hear your experience.

The firearms part just sounded scary. I'm glad you took precautions and did what you did. So, what are your plans now?

Me too, Leonis, it wasn't a risk I was comfortable taking. Even if the likelihood of violence was <1%, or even 0%, I couldn't ethically allow SO to remain near us given what I had seen. I'm not omniscient, and I was unable to credibly verify that the firearms stuff was innocuous. It was out of character based on a more than decade-long relationship.

What is surprising is that, in the aftermath of SO's removal, SO hasn't even acknowledged the possibility that those types of searches could be construed as intent to act. SO's messaging has been, "You're making a mistake. In time, I think you will regret that you had me removed." Ummm... .that's not reassuring language, it sounds like a veiled threat!

The plan... .

I was originally hoping to see some kind of reformation in SO--a strengthened relationship with Child, working, financial responsibility, self-sustaining care, participation in treatment, etc--so that reconciliation could be possible and the family could remain intact. That's not happening, and several behaviours have deteriorated, so I've accepted that the separation will need to be longer lived (indefinite). Going forward, I'm trying to create the best possible life for Child to make the strongest case possible for sole custody for me and only supervised visitation for SO, should SO choose to be a part of Child's life. I'm seeing a counsellor, who is advising me on both personal care and supporting Child, and have a child psychologist available for Child when/if the need presents.

[puck]

The part that got to me there was the child crying about not getting attention. They are so important, to be treated like that is awful.

You have been through a huge amount - I hope you can receive some help and relief here.

The best of luck and best wishes to you and family.

Thanks seenr. Yes, seeing Child feel devalued and unloved by SO--and seeing SO's emotional volatility and quickness to anger with Child-- was the straw that really broke the camel's back. The firearms stuff required immediate action, but my decision to separate had actually been made before that. Child tearfully told me once, "I have the wrong [Parent- SO]. I need a new [Parent- SO]." How can any parent with a heart allow that?

I've been trying to pour limitless quantities of love into my little sweetie--both before all these events and now. Child needs to know that there is at least one parent who will love Child unconditionally.

[puck]

 Hello Puck,

I am glad you found the board, though I am sorry for the reasons you had to find it.

I am writing as my story could mirror yours except the firearms. Probably would have been the same, he just never got around to getting certain licenses needed.

Towards the end it was and is like dealing with a whole different person. If I was not in charge of the bills and budget they wouldn't have gotten paid.

Hi Lilyroze, it's so nice to talk to you, though I wish for both our family's sake that it was through different circumstances. I'm sorry you've experienced a similar story to our family.

I totally understand what you mean when you say it's like your SO was a different person. The person I married was a high-functioning, generous, promising, loving, gentle, engaged person. It's like everything I love about SO has been turned into a caricature as part of a perverse joke. I've struggled with trying to understand exactly who the "real" SO is--is it the person I first fell in love with and married, or the angry replacement who has since supplanted SO? I thought that maybe the first person was just a mask but, more recently I've taken the view that both are the "real" SO, but that SO has preferred to be the embittered person because it meets some internal need to which I am not privy. Our relationship before marriage spanned multiple years, so it wasn't a matter of being doey-eyed and seeing SO through rose coloured glasses. That was the person that our whole circle of friends and family saw, myself included.

I have caught him in so many small and big lies, as well as details for work. Stalking people at work, with excuse he is in management. Very strange anger, deregulation etc. The fear, stress and anger has made me afraid at times, and just scared.

Wow, the stalking is creepy. It's hard to see someone you love do inexplicable things, even in the face of opposition from loved ones. You hope and hope that the trust can be rebuilt, only to see the foundation of your relationship erode.

The lies are the part I don't understand. If a person is feeling shame, fear, loneliness, inadequacy, whatever--why not reach out to a loved one and share those emotions? Get help! Receive support and love! I would be interested to hear more about the dynamic your partner. For us, I had actively assured my SO that I would accept ANY honest confession of a problem with openness and work with SO to fix it together. There were no "your" or "my" problems; they're "our" challenges to face as a team. Yes I was hurt, but our relationship was larger than either of us individually, and I felt it was in our long-term best interest to be mutually supportive. Even with that support, SO chose to lie and deflect. I don't get it. It makes no sense. It's like SO felt so unlovable, like there was some hidden darkness within that SO felt would be a deal-breaker with me, and so SO chose self-sabotage instead of taking the risk.

We had times where, after making love or on special occasions, SO would curl up in a ball weeping about being a terrible a person and not deserving me. Now that I look back, it happened with some regularity--birthdays, on our honeymoon, trips together, other special occasions--for no apparent reason. I would hold SO and promise my love, talk about all the positive things I saw, tell SO who the person I loved was. I truly loved--and love (though in a more distant and de-personalized way now)--my SO. It seems like such a terrible waste of a good person.

SO has a family with a very aloof way of relating, with minimal individual attention and lots of emphasis on external success as the measure of personal value. It's sick. When we've talked about our childhoods, SO has said there are almost no memories, and few happy ones. SO has no recollection of abuse in childhood, but I have to wonder what damage could have been done to SO to lead to such a dysfunctional internal identity. It's so sad. I can imagine SO-as-a-child and just want to reach out and hug SO, say it will be okay, and provide love. But SO is an adult, and the choices being made are by SO.

[puck]

There is so much of your story I could have written. The part about your child, is exactly what my youngest has gone through with him. He didn't pay attention, or want to talk or play with him at all. But would sit when home and play games or sleep. Many of the gamers were young so he could have tried to get my son to play or pay some attention some how. Told me no use didn't like to interact with him.

He was always making my son feel bad. When I had him leave he has no contact with my son at all but to say hi and bye when dropping off things till this is settled. Never emailed, or called him on his own. Even some holidays... .no calls nothing.

That's just heartbreaking! And being the parent who tries to make it work, and having all your efforts amount to nothing, is so disappointing. We have so much love for our children, and it is utterly foreign to see our children's other parent feel, apparently, nothing for the people they should be most devoted to. As much as any deception and marital dysfunction has taken a toll on me, the neglect of our child has been the worst part of this equation. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your children.

At times wants back, will get counseling etc. To what end, half of his is games, lies and well the BPD and whatever else is going on in his head. He won't go in for diagnosis as nothing is wrong, other times he says things are wrong and all my fault. My fault the kids don't talk to him, or he deoesn't talk to them because of me.

What is real scary is he is delusional. Completely lately.

Yes, I've had the offers of counselling. "I will find a counsellor and come see you." I say, "Okay, send me your proposed counsellor and I'll look into him/her. Make sure you get your own affairs in order first, because we can't do anything together if you're not working on you."

Radio silence. It's like SO thinks "counselling" is some box that can be checked with no effort, and our life can magically return to what it was. Sorry, sweetheart, a marriage only works if two people are putting real effort into it. I'll take my share of the blame and then some, but you have to do the heavy lifting, too. Instead... .deflection. Somehow, even things I have no access or relation to (such as SO's work place, medical care) are my fault, and I need to be convinced of the truth because I'm being "irrational". I suppose I was "irrational" because I considered the affordable housing, feeding, medical care, and clothing of our family a material need that couldn't go unmet. To SO, there was always a line of credit around the corner.

Or, solutions were offered where I would be the sole person responsible for fixing the situation, but then another "wish" would be made which was directly contradictory to the initial ask. For instance, during one of SO's breakdowns when I addressed an extended period of work instability for SO and plans to address it, SO said, "Why can't I just stay at home and you work, Puck?" (No mention of the fact that we were living in a very expensive city specifically because that's where SO's niche work is--work that SO wasn't even applying for). Then, the next day, "We should have another baby and you stay at home with the baby, Puck." For SO, there was no internal consistency of values, goals, or planning. A sane person can deal with a few years of soul searching and offer interim support while a spouse figures things out, but a seemingly indefinite stretch of intellectual wanderlust gets tiresome fast. My own career goals, health and emotional well being; Child's well-being; our longer-term career plans and family plans--those were all expected to be subjugated to SO's desire to avoid work/failure/an undisclosed dire consequence without a concrete alternative.

Most hurtful to my son... .he got into a fight with new neighbors when dropping off things here. He doesn't even live here. When my older son and youngest went out to apologize later for us ( with my permission, explaining he doesn't live here, we are sorry he has some issues right now) they apologized for their dog and said "sorry we didn't know your brother was mentally handicapped" hope it didn't scare him.

My son is not mentally handicapped. He is smart, good grades, artistic, kind and a wonderful kid. My stbx used my son as an excuse to fight them. I had no idea he said this or the neighbor would tell this to my son. He was devastated as you can imagine. Had to explain his Dad's undiagnosed mental illness, what a mess.

Who does that to a child--making them an intermediary in an issue that isn't theirs. It's so immature and unnecessary. Your poor son. It is so unfair to have to keep taking the fall for a messed up parent. Many, many kudos to you for seeing your situation for what it is and standing up for yourself and your children. I'm sending you lots of love over the internet and will be here to share our stories if you need support. Hugs!