need support

[need a break]

my adult child has BPD, bi polar and is a drug addict. She was diagnosed 15 years ago. This is and has been a nightmare. I have no relationship with her. I grieve every day of what could have been, should have been etc. I am and have been in therapy for many years. I have had to build boundaries just to survive the drama and insanity that is her world.
She is my only child, I wake up thinking about her well being and go to bed hoping she will be o.k.

She lives off and on with her dad but he has had it and will be kicking her out soon. She will be on the streets unless she goes to a homeless shelter. This is doubtful due to the "drama" that borderlines have.

How do people do this? Go on and live their lives as if the person with BPD doesn't exist. My daughter is not safe for us to be around, she will claim abuse or be abusive herself.

I wish there was a support group to actually go to for parents or loved ones to share. I did family connections a few years ago but found the people were walking on eggshells with their BPD loved one.

If there is anyone out there that has had to give up on their relationship with their loved one I would appreciate any support
This is VERY hard and I grieve her loss for she not dead or alive

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gorges]

This is a great question and I look forward to reading the answers that get posted.  I think it makes sense to separate yourself.  I am not sure about how to cope.

[Huat]

Hello need a break:

My heart goes out to you as it does to all who tell their heartbreaking stories on this forum.  While each story is different, there are similarities.  

You write that you "wish there was a support group to actually go to for parents or loved ones to share"... .I think this website will be of great help to you.  You are able to express yourself with no interruptions... .you will get supportive feedback from people who have walked or are walking in similar shoes.  So, maybe even better than sitting in a round circle.

It is wonderful to read that you have looked after yourself by going to therapy.  You have to look after yourself, need a break!  You cannot change your daughter.  She has to be the one to change herself.  You can work on changing... .you!

Indeed, it hurts to have your dreams shattered.  I have felt that pain.  This is not the life you envisioned when you held your baby in your arms... .when you did all the motherly tasks as best you could to bring about a bright future.  Never in a million years would you have thought that little cherub would develop into the person she is now.  At some point a lot of us have had to let go... ."Let go or be dragged"... .as the saying goes.  You will never stop being a Mom, though.

Wish I could say the words to take all the pain away from you, need a break.  Wish I could give you answers.  Sadly, some parents have it harder than others, as you will see by participating on this parenting board.

Keep writing!  Keep breathing!  You will be fine!

Huat

[need a break]

Thank you for the support. Now that I have accepted what is to be, that there is nothing left for me to do its been very hard.
The busier I have been,( looking for treatment, looking for any way to make her better. ) The better I felt. Now I have resolve the real pain has emerged.
The loss fees heavier.

Thank you for understanding its nice to know someone gets it. 

[nobueno]

Oh, I'm so sorry and sad to hear this.  PKUP. ((hugs))

[wendydarling]

Hello need a break

It is a hard road to acceptance as you say   that said, I have learnt through acceptance I can support my daughter gain treatment, a road to recovery. It is small steps we take Robin and we are all here together learning through the lessons and tools and great parents on this board.

Glad you are here to learn with us.

Hugs to you   stay strong with us.

WDx

[need a break]

Hello need a break:

My heart goes out to you as it does to all who tell their heartbreaking stories on this forum.  While each story is different, there are similarities.  

You write that you "wish there was a support group to actually go to for parents or loved ones to share"... .I think this website will be of great help to you.  You are able to express yourself with no interruptions... .you will get supportive feedback from people who have walked or are walking in similar shoes.  So, maybe even better than sitting in a round circle.

It is wonderful to read that you have looked after yourself by going to therapy.  You have to look after yourself, need a break!  You cannot change your daughter.  She has to be the one to change herself.  You can work on changing... .you!

Indeed, it hurts to have your dreams shattered.  I have felt that pain.  This is not the life you envisioned when you held your baby in your arms... .when you did all the motherly tasks as best you could to bring about a bright future.  Never in a million years would you have thought that little cherub would develop into the person she is now.  At some point a lot of us have had to let go... ."Let go or be dragged"... .as the saying goes.  You will never stop being a Mom, though.

Wish I could say the words to take all the pain away from you, need a break.  Wish I could give you answers.  Sadly, some parents have it harder than others, as you will see by participating on this parenting board.

Keep writing!  Keep breathing!  You will be fine!

Huat

Thank you for understanding that this is not what I (we) envisioned.  I find it hard to feel like I am her mom when I do not have a relationship with her.
I guess I am fine. I thought this would kill me but here I am.

[Huat]

You are right, need a break, it hasn't killed you... .and it won't... .unless you let it.

I like who I am today and I am that person because of what I have gone through.  I probably would have been a "Holier-than-thou" had the breath not been knocked out of me years ago by my BPDD.  I am more in-tuned to people with problems.  I have learned to listen to them... .act as a sounding board... .AND... .to validate them.  

During some of my times of distress when I felt the need to share, I would unload to friends... .some of whom stayed silent.  That was probably because they just didn't know what to say because their life experiences with their children had no comparison to mine.  Sadly, their silence sometimes shamed me.  I know enough now not to do that to someone else.

Gotta say, it still does bother me when, in a circle of friends/aquaintances, the proud kid/grandkid stories/pictures start to be shared.  I stay silent with a painted smile on my face... .last as long as I can before "something" calls me away.

None of us asked for what we got or are getting... .but we got it... .and you can tell by reading the stories on this parent board that we are not alone.  I will always love my BPDD.  It empowers me, though, when I realize that I don't have to like her.

[need a break]

You are right, need a break, it hasn't killed you... .and it won't... .unless you let it.

I like who I am today and I am that person because of what I have gone through.  I probably would have been a "Holier-than-thou" had the breath not been knocked out of me years ago by my BPDD.  I am more in-tuned to people with problems.  I have learned to listen to them... .act as a sounding board... .AND... .to validate them.  

During some of my times of distress when I felt the need to share, I would unload to friends... .some of whom stayed silent.  That was probably because they just didn't know what to say because their life experiences with their children had no comparison to mine.  Sadly, their silence sometimes shamed me.  I know enough now not to do that to someone else.

Gotta say, it still does bother me when, in a circle of friends/aquaintances, the proud kid/grandkid stories/pictures start to be shared.  I stay silent with a painted smile on my face... .last as long as I can before "something" calls me away.

None of us asked for what we got or are getting... .but we got it... .and you can tell by reading the stories on this parent board that we are not alone.  I will always love my BPDD.  It empowers me, though, when I realize that I don't have to like her.

Thank you I thought I was the only one who painted a smile on during grandkid stories and of course the proud kid stories. I too stay silent and then suddenly have to use the restroom. I do not have many friends I think they have gotten tired of me talking about this, cancelling plans due to er being in crisis, all the fun stuff that goes along with be a parent of a borderline.  I do love my daughter but I dont know who she is and has become. Its so sad. Today is a the 4th of July people spending time with family, kids, grandkids. I long for those moments but realize I will not have them. Sorry... .feeling very sorry for myself today, My daughter is terminating a pregnancy tomorrow. This is a first for us.

[hereforever4her]

I am so sorry for the pain you feel. I too have an adult daughter with BPD and I know, like you my waking thoughts are of her and what is happening each day. She does not live with me, but I try to keep in contact the best I can. I have recently found this site and am learning so much about how to communicate better with her. it seems we are all on this journey together, so please know you are not alone. Hugs and prayers to you!

[Bpd mother]

I also have an adult daughter with Bpd . We have no contact due to her choice not mine. Yesterday my husband saw her in town and she put her head down and walked passed him within touching distance. This may be a small incident as there was no argument but it has hurt me so much.
I understand when you say the hurt is worst when you know there is no more you can do.

Huat is far more eloquent than me and describes how I feel better than I can myself. You are not alone in your pain and we will work on ourselves together

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there

It takes a while to understand who your real friends are. Time and circumstances has a way of showing you.

I remember when I told my friends I was finally getting help for myself.  They were SO relieved! I can laugh about this now. Poor things, I put them through a lot.

My Facebook page is full of happy families.  It's all a nonsense really, nobody has a perfect life - oh apart from my cousin! I hope you can read my sarcasm!

I used to yearn for it, you know what I'm saying, just a normal happy family. I felt it was my BPDs's fault. If only he'd grow up, be like everybody else then my life would be good. I'm trying to think of a polite phrase... .I was up my own backside. I wasn't a quite a martyr but I was very sad making my friends feel sorry for me.

All I can say is what I know from experience. Acceptance is very hard and it's takes a while. The sadness is always there but I'm no longer embarrassed or ashamed.  As I've learnt on this site and reading I've a greater understanding of BPD and it's really helped me understand the limitations my son has.

There is always hope that they will take responsibility for themselves. Meantime, we have to learn a way forward for ourselves.

I love this forum and the support it provides. No judgment, advice I can take or leave depending on how I feel it fits to my own circumstances, importantly understanding when I get it wrong.

Take care of yourselves

L