Mirroring the replacement?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Did you all have the experience of your ex mirroring her/his replacement? I did and it was super off-putting. It included her talking about the replacement all the time, speaking like her, shifting her plans towards her (vacation, dreams for a future coffee shop), and other stuff. Ugh.

[kc sunshine]

Did you all have the experience of your ex mirroring her/his replacement? I did and it was super off-putting. It included her talking about the replacement all the time, speaking like her, shifting her plans towards her (vacation, dreams for a future coffee shop), and other stuff. Ugh.

[woundedPhoenix]

It really went far... .She began to contradict values that she still would have defended ferociously months before, had a complete makeover from a classy lady to a trailer trash tramp. Totally different person. Also her apparent mental age dropped almost 20 years in the process, to -7 y. Not the person i would be open to having in my life really.

[gotbushels]

Did you all have the experience of your ex mirroring her/his replacement? I did and it was super off-putting. It included her talking about the replacement all the time, speaking like her, shifting her plans towards her (vacation, dreams for a future coffee shop), and other stuff. Ugh.

I didn't keep in touch with her, but I would expect it as a result of her attempts at enmeshing with the new person.

It really went far... .She began to contradict values that she still would have defended ferociously months before, had a complete makeover from a classy lady to a trailer trash tramp. Totally different person. Also her apparent mental age dropped almost 20 years in the process, to -7 y. Not the person i would be open to having in my life really.

What the... .

I estimated the mental age of my ex too so this made me laugh. I'd be very distressed if I saw something that would cause me to say this.

[asphyx]

This is one of the things that made me suspect she had someone else lined up behind my back. She started using slang words she never had used before. I started wondering why the hell was she talking like that? Surely enough I discovered that her new guy uses the same words.

They have no sense of self so they just copy the personality/values/language of their partner or their friends. I actually think I would be sick if I saw her mirroring the new guy to the full extent. Even with knowledge of mirroring, it just wouldn't feel right to see her act like a completely different person.

[gotbushels]

This is one of the things that made me suspect she had someone else lined up behind my back. She started using slang words she never had used before. I started wondering why the hell was she talking like that? Surely enough I discovered that her new guy uses the same words.

ROFL you used it as a cheating sign? This is bewildering. Remarkable. I hope you can find the humour in this asphyx. Very creative and interesting. I'm imagining someone from New York slowly starting to talk like they came from the set of Sweet Home Alabama. My ex cheated on me too so I understand somewhat what it's like to receive this from a partner. Thank you:)

[asphyx]

ROFL you used it as a cheating sign? This is bewildering. Remarkable. I hope you can find the humour in this asphyx. Very creative and interesting. I'm imagining someone from New York slowly starting to talk like they came from the set of Sweet Home Alabama. My ex cheated on me too so I understand somewhat what it's like to receive this from a partner. Thank you:)

I can't tell if you're mocking me or not. Lol

But yeah it was 'one of' the many unusual behaviours I noticed around the time she was cheating. Obviously most people would not think that a change in speech patterns indicate infidelity (and by itself it probably doesn't), but I had knowledge of mirroring so I assumed she was mirroring the language of this new guy that she was idealising.

Turns out I was correct.

[steelwork]

Oh yeah. I mean, we're not in contact, but he told me (after he admitted he was in a new r/s) that he felt like "a different person." And I peeked at his linkedin page a while ago and saw that his list of interests includes things like animal welfare and the environment--100% her interests, not things I ever would have expected him to list there before. Also, he always used to talk about his marriage in ways that made me wonder how he had ever gotten involved with this person, never mind stay with her for 12 years and have a kid with her. He talked about how odious her values were to him, how false his life with her had been. When I read something about BPD, these shifts made sense to me. In fact, that was one of the things that made me go, "hmmm... ."

But... the "mirroring" terminology confuses me a little. "Mirror" implies that they are a reflective surface reflecting yourself back to you. I think the storied member 2010 would say, "You were HIS mirror." That is, he used my personality (and before that, his wife's, and now the new girl's) to fill out his attributes and values.

It's a slightly different meaning of the term "mirror"--with a little less of a manipulative implication.

[balletomane]

My ex didn't do this. His sense of self was unstable in other ways. For example, he would change his mind on a character-defining issue, doing a complete 180, and then forget or only retain a hazy memory of what he'd thought before. The one consistent thing about him is that whatever he believed, he was usually convinced he was right, and disagreeing with him on anything (even something minor) was likely to trigger an outburst. He also didn't have enduring tastes or values that he used in his search for a partner - he would date anyone who appeared to be interested in him. The ex before the ex before me was a sex worker who wanted a polyamorous relationship. The ex before her was a religious Jew who didn't want sex before marriage. He went from one to the other within two weeks. I suspect they overlapped. He seemed to have no idea of what he really wanted or valued in a relationship, beyond a comfort blanket to cling to when he felt terrible. But he was never a chameleon in the way that so many people with BPD are.

I know he hid certain pieces of information from me (things that I would be unlikely to approve of), presumably to keep my good opinion. He has done the same thing with the woman he cheated on me with, but I don't think this is him mirroring her values - this is him lying by omission to make sure he can have what he wants.

[gotbushels]

ROFL you used it as a cheating sign? This is bewildering. Remarkable. I hope you can find the humour in this asphyx. Very creative and interesting. I'm imagining someone from New York slowly starting to talk like they came from the set of Sweet Home Alabama. My ex cheated on me too so I understand somewhat what it's like to receive this from a partner. Thank you:)

I can't tell if you're mocking me or not. Lol

But yeah it was 'one of' the many unusual behaviours I noticed around the time she was cheating. Obviously most people would not think that a change in speech patterns indicate infidelity (and by itself it probably doesn't), but I had knowledge of mirroring so I assumed she was mirroring the language of this new guy that she was idealising.

Turns out I was correct.

You're right, it's possible that what I wrote could be interpreted to mean I'm mocking someone. I'm sorry, the text could have been better put together to get rid of this possibility. I think it would be helpful if I made this as clear possible here. It wasn't my intent at all to be mocking you.

Your creativity created the humour. I'll stress that my focus is on the behaviours, your way, and not the actors. Your way is very creative and unusual. Some BPs lie. Some BPs cheat. Some nons try find out how to figure out if they're doing both. Your way to provide answers for both issues is unique and creative. This way is unusual and surprising--it's funny. I'd consider that different to "mocking".

Your creativity reflects very positively on you since you thought of the way. I want to hold that out as good and I hope you recognise that. Your humour here highlights a big idea that we're not defined by our behaviours, i.e., we aren't defined by whether we like chocolate or strawberry ice-cream. This highlight shows that your way can even be said to have an element of beauty.

Moreover, it can sometimes help to counteract the effects of processing anger--it can facilitate processing. Appropriate humours can benefit people undergoing difficulty. It helps people wading in unpleasant waters to see beauty. No ill was intended. Please feel free to let me know if I've overstepped in any way. 

[Suspicious1]

This is one of the things that made me suspect she had someone else lined up behind my back.

Yep, this is how I worked it out too. I knew my ex had mirrored my values and beliefs at the start of our relationship; all of a sudden he switched all his (previously 'strongly held' political beliefs to the exact opposite. It was such a change and so sudden and dramatic, it couldn't just be glossed over. It was one of the biggest signs that he was grooming someone else as my replacement.

He's with someone else now, so has doubtless has had to change his political affiliation back again