Wife is in Denial and Lying Constantly To Me

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all, this is my first post and I am here out of a combination of desperation, confusion and basically turmoil.

Backstory (feel free to skip)
Although undiagnosed, I suspect with almost certainty that my wife has BPD. This opinion is also shared by multiple counselors and mental health professionals that we have seen. She continues to deny the need for any help, and continues to blame me for trying to make her out to be a psychopath.

What I experience as her husband: unpredictable emotional outbursts of both rage and sorrow and on occasions, aggression, complete loss of rationale including lying. Control of my contact with her family and my ability to make any friends in the US. (I moved here from abroad to marry her). Control of money, control of my time. Most resistance to the above, or her opinion on anything, is met with anger and aggression. 

Why I am Posting
My post here is for advice. About a year ago, someone close to my wife (who I had been led to believe wanted nothing to do with me) reached out to me and divulged some things about my wife that I had thought to be very different. Namely about affairs she had had with her past marriage, and her contact with her ex during our dating and marriage.

Whilst I don't believe everything I am told by strangers (as we all have alternate motives right?) I have been able to verify most of what I was told over the course of the last year. Why is her past relationship important to me? Normally it wouldn't. But what I have found out has led me to question my trust for her, I feel like I do not know my wife, nor what she is capable of.

She has lied to me about her past upbringing, her past divorce (conveniently missing the part where her affair ended it), her contact with her ex-boyfriend (both before and during our relationship), her affairs during that time, her "terrible" relationship with her family, her kids and much much more.

What makes it unbearable? I now know when she is lying to my face due to my exposure to things I would never have found out from her.

She is not aware that I know any of it. I have never confronted her about it, for fear of my safety and the sanctity of my marriage. My questions:

How do I deal with the constant lying?

How do I confront and deal with someone who is capable of manipulating and lying so  much so, that they believe their own lies?

How do I deal with the aggressive denial of a) any blame and b) the fact that she is unwell and needs help?

How do I get someone so engrained in a life of lies, to confront the truth?

How do I get her to realize she needs help?

[0502910116]

Hello all, this is my first post and I am here out of a combination of desperation, confusion and basically turmoil.

Backstory (feel free to skip)
Although undiagnosed, I suspect with almost certainty that my wife has BPD. This opinion is also shared by multiple counselors and mental health professionals that we have seen. She continues to deny the need for any help, and continues to blame me for trying to make her out to be a psychopath.

What I experience as her husband: unpredictable emotional outbursts of both rage and sorrow and on occasions, aggression, complete loss of rationale including lying. Control of my contact with her family and my ability to make any friends in the US. (I moved here from abroad to marry her). Control of money, control of my time. Most resistance to the above, or her opinion on anything, is met with anger and aggression. 

Why I am Posting
My post here is for advice. About a year ago, someone close to my wife (who I had been led to believe wanted nothing to do with me) reached out to me and divulged some things about my wife that I had thought to be very different. Namely about affairs she had had with her past marriage, and her contact with her ex during our dating and marriage.

Whilst I don't believe everything I am told by strangers (as we all have alternate motives right?) I have been able to verify most of what I was told over the course of the last year. Why is her past relationship important to me? Normally it wouldn't. But what I have found out has led me to question my trust for her, I feel like I do not know my wife, nor what she is capable of.

She has lied to me about her past upbringing, her past divorce (conveniently missing the part where her affair ended it), her contact with her ex-boyfriend (both before and during our relationship), her affairs during that time, her "terrible" relationship with her family, her kids and much much more.

What makes it unbearable? I now know when she is lying to my face due to my exposure to things I would never have found out from her.

She is not aware that I know any of it. I have never confronted her about it, for fear of my safety and the sanctity of my marriage. My questions:

How do I deal with the constant lying?

How do I confront and deal with someone who is capable of manipulating and lying so  much so, that they believe their own lies?

How do I deal with the aggressive denial of a) any blame and b) the fact that she is unwell and needs help?

How do I get someone so engrained in a life of lies, to confront the truth?

How do I get her to realize she needs help?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi 0502910116,

Welcome and hello 

Uncovering lies is a big blow. We feel our reality has been stripped away from us, like entering a parallel universe.

Lying and manipulation is usually driven by intense need to avoid shame, and people with BPD are shame-prone. It's an awful feeling. Do you think she is lying so that she doesn't lose you?