Choosing to Stay "In Sickness and in Health" And the price you pay for it.

[Lighthouse777]

This is the response I gave to another person who was struggling with a wife who has BPD.  I have been married for over 30 years and have two grown children.  I have taken my marriage vows very seriously and want to stand with her in sickness and in health.  My youngest son has completely disowned me for doing so.  One of the moderators suggested I post this to generate conversation.  Recently my son did contact me via email and all he did was call me names and was basically acting like a teenager even though he is in his late 20s.  I think sometimes that maybe he has this disorder too.  I guess the only thing I can say is there is a heavy price to pay no matter what choice you make.


"I understand what you are going through.  I have been married for over 30 years and have two grown children.  One of them has completely disowned me and his mother.  My wife has BPD and I have chosen to stay and offer love and support even though it is difficult.  My youngest son thinks I have put her over my love for him and he has stopped all contact with me.  I have not physically seen him in over two years even though he lives in the same town as me.  It is a heavy price that we spouses pay when we decided to "love and honor in sickness and in health"  I took those vows seriously and I hope one day my kids will understand.  I am really worried about my youngest.  He has similar traits like my wife, his mother.  Not sure if there is a solution.  I pray a lot and hope for the best.  I wish my wife understood what cost there is in staying and supporting.  We have not been intimate in over 6 years and that is usually torture for me, but I bear it and keep going on.  Hang in there.  My oldest son thinks I have been a great father.  He keeps me going and gives me hope.  I wish everyone knew how much I love my family.  This is hard."

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[atomic popsicles]

I did that, and probably would again though we are  separated- which is not a good thing.

My children are teenagers. I can say, without a doubt, that if I did take him back again, I would at the least lose their respect and it is entirely possible they would choose to live with their dad, not the BPD stbx.

In the past year I have lost all my self respect. I am slowly slowly slowly getting it back.

My stbx has delusional disorder, and is an addict. BPD is the least of our problems. That being said, I now fully believe that it's not wrong for me to get out to protect myself from physical, emotional, or spiritual harm. The "in sickness and in health" to me means that my spouse has to try to get help, go to therapy, etc. Trying to make the marriage work at all costs has actually cost me a great deal of myself... .and didn't help him because I could not handle the inevitable tantrum that setting boundaries would cause. 

[Lighthouse777]

Thanks for sharing your story.  There are so many people on this website that are suffering.  Many if not most are suffering in silence.  That is the way it is with me.  One of the things that I am struggling with is regarding my son.  He basically told me all about Borderline Personality Disorder and how my wife (his mom) has it.  All the symptoms and traits seem to match what I read about here and other places.  But he cannot understand why I stay.  He thinks I am worse than a child abuser because I stay with her.  He thinks because I stay, I am justifying her past behavior.  She knows what she has done in the past.  The bouts with anger and the manipulation etc.  There was no physical abuse,  It was all anger, directed at everyone and then she would be fine.  Remorseful but fine.  My oldest son has come to grips with the past and has forgiven and can be in our lives.  My youngest who I suspect might have BPD is living his own life without us in it.  What makes it most difficult is he and I were as close as a father and son can be.  It just gets frustrating not to have him in our lives. 
Your situation "Atomic Popsicles" is a different story.  I feel bad for what you have had to face.  Hang in there

[NotThatGuy]

Thanks for posting this.  I'm struggling with many of the same issues, and what you describe of your younger son is part of what I fear for the future.  My wife has been doing better lately (DBT!), but she is prone to mood swings, with angry outbursts and periods of sullenness and withdrawal.  She's in denial about the effects her behavior may have on the kids-- she's so attached to being "a good mother" that she can't admit to doing anything wrong, and has been resisting the possibility of going back to work, having the kids in daycare and then school (she wants to homeschool, our kids are 5 and 2).  I'm terrified of the possibility of our kids developing BPD, especially the older one, who is an amazingly sensitive child and tends to reflect my wife's moods.  I know how the combination of a genetically high emotional set-point and an invalidating, borderline parent can put kids at risk.

Even apart from the commitment I made to my wife, and apart from what would be in my own best interests, at this point I can't leave *because* of the kids.  She would get at least equal time with them, and a divorce would hardly improve her mental state.  Or mine-- and it's on me to model boundaries, validation, and coping so that our children can learn.  That's best done by keeping the household intact.

I'm estranged from my own mother, who I've long suspected has undiagnosed BPD.  My parents are divorced, and I'm resolved to avoid repeating my father's mistakes as much as possible.  But I know my children may see my acceptance as complicity in their mother's behavior, and may not understand, or forgive.  If that happens all I will be able to say is that, however bad it has been, I don't think my leaving would have made it better.  All we can do is the next, best thing.