Feeling so overwhelmed

[hereforever4her]

I am just drama drained. Feel terrible to admit it, but I feel like a deflated little balloon. My daughters illness is just draining the life force from me little by little. i know i need to care for myself, but her issues leave very little time for it. I can hardly pull off a day of work. She consumes my thoughts.  my daughter is 36, so I am older and not in the best of health. I wake up each day afraid to see what will happen next. Guilty to enjoy any part of my life when i know she is in such pain.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bpd mother]

I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed by the problems with your daughter. My Bpd daughter is also in her 30's and I am in my 60's . I know what it is like to have your thoughts consumed by them, it is so draining. I am retired so do not have to get through work but it just gives me more time to think about her.

I spend my day walking the dog, reading and playing mindless computer games just to try and take my mind off her.

Try and take care of yourself although it is difficult.

[Lollypop]

Hi there

I know so well how you both feel. I couldn't accept that I couldn't fix it, fix my BPDs.  I'm 53.

I spent two years researching my family history. This was at my worst point when he was drugged up all of the time. I filled my mind up so I couldn't have the space to deal with his behaviours. Of course, like others here, I eventually made myself sick.  I was an empty shell, deeply unhappy and had nobody who really understood. My friends were kind but I knew I was bringing them down.

We all have a choice. As they have a choice to seek treatment and work hard towards it.

I decided to have a life of my own. I went back to college and this has helped me In so many ways. My life has a structure, I'm meeting new people, younger people too,  I go to new places. I see others lives and challenges and it helps keep mine more in perspective. Life isn't fair, life's hard, life's short.  My confidence has grown and very importantly all my family sees that I care for myself, my own well-being. I show that that I matter and have my own agenda.

I hope that my BPDs will eventually learn that he too can take control. He doesn't seek treatment and it is very frustrating.  God knows, I don't always get it right with him but it's ok. My life isn't all about him any more.

I encourage you to look outwards and start doing things you enjoy, try new things. You matter.

Take care

L

[Darkbeforedawn]

Lollipop - that is fantastic advice.  I have to admit that the more I have read and researched and tried so so hard to understand what makes my daughter tick and whether she is fully with it - as in does she understand this behaviour isn't normal, is she OK, does she need help, does she want help, does she think she's worth it, does she know I care, does it even matter if she knows?  Agh the list went on - never ending unanswered questions, struggles, worries, concerns.  Determined to try and save her because the mental health system can't or won't or perhaps doesn't even give a rats arse about my daughter or maybe she just rejects their offers... .who knows?  I have gone from a confident woman and become disillusioned, and lacking in self confidence questioning what my future even looks like now I am raising a baby again (as said daughter can't/won't raise her daughter).  It is hard somedays not to feel resentful of my situation but then I feel guilty because I KNOW that my GD is safe and well and I couldn't sleep when she was in her mother's care.  You are right Lollipop - we need to stop living for them - our kids.  They can figure out a lot - certainly they can decide if they WANT to get well.  Of course I will help her where I can if she asks.  But I can't save her - she has to want to save herself first.  I am not super woman.  The other night she looked stunned.  I said I was feeling low.  She laughed!  She said "but you are MUM, you don't get down and worn out, you just keep going!"  Please tell me what does one do with that kind of comment?  Is she in la la land?  Yes, we just keep going - she is right, but I need to keep going for me!  Find a way to smile through it all because I am happy to be me.  Sorry to rabbit on.

[Lollypop]

Hi darkbefored

Lovely to meet you. I'm so very sorry to hear some of your story. It must be very hard to know what to do for the best with grandchildren. They must come first, always.

You aren't rabbiting on! Gosh, I write and write in the forum when I've got "one on me". It really helps dumping.

I'm sorry I can't work how to quote on my phone! You said your daughter was surprised at you expressing your feelings. As mums we feel it our place to be strong, strong for them because they aren't strong themselves. I failed to recognise that every time I did something for my BPDs that he should be doing for himself I was making it worse and, in effect, silently confirming to him that I didn't think he could do it. I still do it!

You're right. Remain strong but for yourself.

I'm getting on with my life, stepped back from his but I'm allowing him to live at home. It's not easy but the validation skills are really helping. He's been difficult since the referendum and I need to improve my approach and set a few limits.

The more I learn, the more I practise, the more confident I become. My son is bonkers (please forgive me for being not politically correct). I say this with love in my heart, he'll get there in the end. Where's there? Living independently, somehow. His life is not what is hoped for but it'll be what he can manage. I can walk by his side at the moment as we are seeing progress. When life's bleak it's just so very hard to keep any perspective.

How old is your granddaughter and are you getting any practical help?

Does your daughter live with you

[hereforever4her]

Thank you all for such wonderful support! For years we were told she had anxiety and depression. But there was so much more.  But this site has given me new hope and most of all support. Thank you all! I am learning to validate and this has been really helping on the communication end.

[Huat]

As we are admitting to the number of candles on our cakes... .mine has 73.  Some years I have blown them out with my (undiagnosed) BPDD smiling by my side.  Other years?... .well not such happy events... .candles extinguished more with tears because she was in an "episode."  Yeah, hurt a lot!

Our grandchildren are now 24 and 26.  My husband and I were surrogate parents to them from birth.  Those early years were hard.  We sucked up a lot in order to keep contact with them through all the drama of relationship break-ups, custody battles, etc.  While we now don't have the relationships with either of them that we strived for... .we have happy memories of their growing up years with us... .memories that were, thankfully, well-documented with my cameras.  They have copies of these memories.  Sadly, they fight their own demons brought about by having a BPD mother.  The circle of life!

Yes, our BPD's can suck the life out of us.  With that said, I am a much different person now than the person I was 40 years ago when our saga began.  I wish I had had the tools then to deal differently with her... .but I didn't.  Along the dline, when I knew better... .I did better... .and I will continue to learn.  After an almost 4-yr. period of estrangement, she has once again offered an olive branch.  I am better armed now in knowing how to deal with our future together... .or apart, if that is what happens again.

I wish I had had access to this forum years ago.  While I have read any/all books I have found relating to BPD, finding this forum and reading similar "Mom-stories" has helped me a lot... .lifted more weight. 

Even though we are Moms with a few battle scars... .and maybe more to come in the future... .life can be good if we let it.  It is so important to get over any pipe dreams and accept what is... .IS... .and deal with it... .then get on with looking after yourself.  I have had to work hard to shed the self-imposed role of being my daughter's victim.  What a difference that has made.  I am not a victim... .I am a Mom!

Hang in, Moms!  Keep writing and supporting.  ; ))