The thing she loved the most about me...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Very early on in our relationship, my uBPDw of 2+ years who I'm now separated from, used to say the things she loved the most about me was how supportive I was and that I seemed to have an unlimited capacity to care for her.

I now know what should have been obvious to me then. The thing she loved the most about me was what I could do for her. Looking back it's hard to see evidence of her appreciating the qualities that make me, well... .me. Of course what happened is once we were married and had been together for about 10 months, my needs weren't being met and I had been running a caregiver's marathon. I was emotionally gassed. And when I couldn't be what I had been, suddenly I wasn't the wonderful and perfect man she thought I was. I was accused thinking that I didn't have to show her my love once we were married the way I did when we were dating. Someone else posted recently an analogy with BPD's seeing partners as a tool for yard care like a lawn mower. They wear the mower out and don't take care of it, and when it fails, they just go get a new one. So true.

Sorry, I guess this is more a vent. Sometimes writing these things out is a bit therapeutic. It is hurtful to realize I wasn't truly loved for who I was. More like anyone would do and I was the fool who fell for it.

[Mr Orange]

Very early on in our relationship, my uBPDw of 2+ years who I'm now separated from, used to say the things she loved the most about me was how supportive I was and that I seemed to have an unlimited capacity to care for her.

I now know what should have been obvious to me then. The thing she loved the most about me was what I could do for her. Looking back it's hard to see evidence of her appreciating the qualities that make me, well... .me. Of course what happened is once we were married and had been together for about 10 months, my needs weren't being met and I had been running a caregiver's marathon. I was emotionally gassed. And when I couldn't be what I had been, suddenly I wasn't the wonderful and perfect man she thought I was. I was accused thinking that I didn't have to show her my love once we were married the way I did when we were dating. Someone else posted recently an analogy with BPD's seeing partners as a tool for yard care like a lawn mower. They wear the mower out and don't take care of it, and when it fails, they just go get a new one. So true.

Sorry, I guess this is more a vent. Sometimes writing these things out is a bit therapeutic. It is hurtful to realize I wasn't truly loved for who I was. More like anyone would do and I was the fool who fell for it.

[gotbushels]

Hi Mr Orange 

I'll hands-up for "fell for it" under your description. I know just how you feel. I'm the sucker. I was a bit more negative about it so I praise your lower negativity

Something that moved me from this place was in your own answer. You mentioned:

More like anyone would do and I was the fool who fell for it.

That's just it. It could have been anyone. So with anyone in mind, one way to consider it is--wrong place, wrong time. Then it becomes A Series of Unfortunate Events. Anyone who fills a set of conditions basically falls into the Series of Unfortunate Events.

Beyond that, it's even suggested that Ts be made aware of their own needs in addition to having BPD-specific training. That's before handling a BPD patient. So even healthcare professionals may take extra amounts of care to avoid the... .Series of Unfortunate Events.

[jhkbuzz]

Someone else posted recently an analogy with BPD's seeing partners as a tool for yard care like a lawn mower. They wear the mower out and don't take care of it, and when it fails, they just go get a new one. So true.

pwBPD don't really "see" people in this way; if you can envision a young child (with the attendant neediness of young children) then you would be closer to the reality of the situation.

It is hurtful to realize I wasn't truly loved for who I was. More like anyone would do and I was the fool who fell for it.

It's a mistake to think that pwBPD don't love you for who you are - she loved you (albeit in an immature way) for being a supportive, caring person. Many people would love you for the same reason.    And I don't think that "anyone would do" for her - any more than "anyone would do" for you. (That sounds like some of the black and white thinking that pwBPD engage in!) Instead, the truth is that she is disordered and has the mistaken belief that fusing with other people who can care for her is the answer to her problems. It's not.

You are not the "fool" who fell for it. She genuinely cared for you but, because of the disorder, couldn't sustain it over time.

Be careful of the stories that you're telling yourself ("anyone would do", "I was the fool" - none of these thoughts of yours are true, and they're making you feel a whole lot worse about what you've been through.

[Mars22]

Hey Mr.O - I believe most peoples experience when dealing with pwBPD traits feel the same way. Including Myself.

It feels like all our good intentions, gestures of caring and love, things you do naturally for your partner never seem to register as just that - love. Once they feel that the honeymoon phase feelings are over which, well naturally happens in ALL r/s. They see this shift as you distancing yourself for them; they start believing in their emotionally immature 'mentally ill' mind that you are no longer loving them. Who can keep up the, as you said 'marathon caregiver' pace?

Reality being is that , when the honeymoon stage fades away, a deeper commitment – an emotional intimacy – is needed ( and they lack emotional maturity soo... ) While the emotion of falling in love is intense, the emotions of *falling out of love'* can be equally as intense, especially for pwBPD... but the signs may not be that as clear for them that the r/s is settling into the next phase. For normal r/s i believe we settle into 'knowing and believing ' that "hey, this is my lover, my wife, I'm committed to them I can be vulnerable and let my guard down and they'll understand me, were in love!"... Believing that the other person is on the same page as us. Right?  Well, they don't see it that way.

Fact is, we fully disregard the fact that, once the r/s gets rolling?... our needs aren't being met the whole time because were too busy running around juggling their needs and desires that OUR needs become irrelevant . So, finally when we try and take a 'rest' [naturally] we get scolded and accused of things for NOT caring for them... What? Umm... huh? What have I been doing this while time?

"Vampires, or "soul suckers", "Princess" I've heard somebody call them "parasites"? Personally, I'm turning a corner now after 4 months. I'm slowing understanding that, there is NO logical why AT ALL to rationalize the irrational mind. They are emotionally stilted and therefore their actions or REactions are emotional based. Thats irrational and well, sadly a bit childish. Most of us have learned when we were younger how to deal with our emotions effectively... they have not. And thats perhaps where the compassion for them begins.

Don't beat yourself up too much.I'm sure, wait... I KNOW you did all you can given the hand you were dealt. You;re in good company here. Please reach out to us whenever you need too. The commonality in ALL our stories is very real.

[Mr Orange]

Mars,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. It is at least comforting to hear from others who have gone through similar experiences, and understand how it feels.

I was actually hanging out with my best friend today. He grew up in a family that took in several foster kids who all came from broken homes and traumatic childhoods. I asked for his insight into the situation because I know he has experienced firsthand the difficulties that can arise within interpersonal relationships for those who experienced trauma and neglect during their developmental years. Also, being so close to my relationship he has witnessed the entire thing play out over the past few years.

He said that seeing his foster brothers grow up, it was clear at a point that they were very manipulative and had all kinds of behavior problems, in addition to having severe attachment disorders diagnosed my professional clinicians. He also said he did see similarities in some of the ways my wife has acted out over the years, albeit that her maladaptive behaviors and coping skills are packaged a bit differently as she is an adult. I don't know, it's somewhat comforting in a way to have others validate your feelings that something serious is up with your spouse and its not just your imagination.

Orange

[Mars22]

He said that seeing his foster brothers grow up, it was clear at a point that they were very manipulative and had all kinds of behavior problems, in addition to having severe attachment disorders diagnosed my professional clinicians. He also said he did see similarities in some of the ways my wife has acted out over the years, albeit that her maladaptive behaviors and coping skills are packaged a bit differently as she is an adult. I don't know, it's somewhat comforting in a way to have others validate your feelings that something serious is up with your spouse and its not just your imagination.

Orange

... and that is it there. Coming out of the FOG and seeing things for what they are. Deciphering and ultimately BELIEVING the differences in what was genuine and what was not. Its normal to go back fourth in your thinking and question yourself and maybe blame yourself too. Please know you that, you are not alone. We all saw that something was a bit 'off' with our partners and had to seek to find answers. Well, you come to the right place.  

This site if full of tools and Lessons that can help you read more about how the disorder manifests itself. IF, of course you haven't done that already. I do however, find myself still going back to the Lessons sometimes and read them again.

But, please do continue to post in these forums your questions and your feelings. I have found it overwhelmingly useful to work through a blockage in my thinking or just to get advice. We are all at different levels of our healing on this site so the advice comes from an extraordinary range of depth.