Have you been guilty of misplaced optimism?

[Brighter Days]

I wouldn't call myself an optimist, I'm very much a realist in every other area of my life.  However, in my marriage I've been an example of "hope springs eternal".  I've held out hope for a long time that things could turn around and my marriage would be repaired.  Is this normal or an indication of my own dysfunctional thinking?

It's been a year since my husband (uBPD/NPD) and I separated (he left of his own accord, blaming me for all the problems in his life).  He now tells me he is ready to move back home (seems to have forgotten about the years of pain and anguish he has put me and the kids through) and all will be well if I would just lower my expectations of him.  My expectations were/are that he would get a job, not spend money recklessly, and be an active participant in family life.  I see these things as what a husband/ father would naturally do.  The fact that he sees them as setting the bar too high really indicates his thinking is dysfunctional.

Foolish me.  I thought that he would have used these past twelve months to do some of the hard work necessary to become healthy.  I've spent this past year getting myself healthy so that I can face whatever the future holds for me and my kids.  I was hoping that putting our family back together would have been important enough for my husband to put in some effort.  I suppose I've finally come to the realization that there won't be a happy ending to this story... .

[Sadly]

Hello Brighter Days
Your name says it all really 

To live without hope is to cease to live
Fyodor Dostoevsky

Just as a man cannot live without dreams
He cannot live without hope
If dreams reflect the past
Hope summons the future
Elie Wiesel

Never let go of hope, just choose its direction well
Sadly x

[seenr]

I'm curious about the job/money comments as I was in a similar situation.

Does he think that he doesn't need to work & support the family in order to make the relationship work?

It's been a year since my husband (uBPD/NPD) and I separated (he left of his own accord, blaming me for all the problems in his life).  He now tells me he is ready to move back home (seems to have forgotten about the years of pain and anguish he has put me and the kids through) and all will be well if I would just lower my expectations of him.  My expectations were/are that he would get a job, not spend money recklessly, and be an active participant in family life.  I see these things as what a husband/ father would naturally do.  The fact that he sees them as setting the bar too high really indicates his thinking is dysfunctional.

[Brighter Days]

Thanks for your responses.  To answer your question seenr, he has told me that working puts too much stress on him and that he isn't able to handle that stress well.  In the past he has worked a full time job and earned a good salary.  However, the expectations placed on him in the workplace, such as coming in to work on time and using his time wisely would inevitably be too much for him and he would lose job after job.

My husband thinks that my salary will be sufficient to take care of the family (my salary isn't all that much).  I see this as an example of his entitlement thinking.  Work is too stressful for him, so he is entitled to stay home, or to work a few days a month as a day labourer when he feels up to it and spend the rest of his time doing his own thing.  He doesn't understand that this relationship can't work when he places a different and unfair set of expectations on himself than he does for me.  I've always worked, and taken care of the kids and the household stuff regardless of whether he was working or not.  He believes I am better able to deal with the stresses of life than he is.  I think I just understand the responsibilities of adulthood.