He's contacted me. In pain, advice anyone please?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ll admit it, despite trying to move on, I’ve been holding on hoping that he’d make contact and he’s just sent me two emails and I’m in pieces.

He’s sent useful information relating to a PhD I want to do. He also sent a link to a song  ‘I hope you dance’  which makes me sob because I lost so much being with him. I lost my postgrad place because I couldn't cope with all the emotional upheaval and chaos that came with the relationship. The loss of this is excruciatingly painful for me. He ended it saying “I loved you. All the best” which is standard indicating past tense and 'all the best' which sounds as if that will be the last I'll hear from him and never is. This followed by another one “You might have blocked me. Would you please confirm you have received the document as I will get it to you somehow if you have me blocked”. He doesn't know where I live.

What does he want? Anyone?

I’m in a lot of pain.

[Larmoyant]

I’ll admit it, despite trying to move on, I’ve been holding on hoping that he’d make contact and he’s just sent me two emails and I’m in pieces.

He’s sent useful information relating to a PhD I want to do. He also sent a link to a song  ‘I hope you dance’  which makes me sob because I lost so much being with him. I lost my postgrad place because I couldn't cope with all the emotional upheaval and chaos that came with the relationship. The loss of this is excruciatingly painful for me. He ended it saying “I loved you. All the best” which is standard indicating past tense and 'all the best' which sounds as if that will be the last I'll hear from him and never is. This followed by another one “You might have blocked me. Would you please confirm you have received the document as I will get it to you somehow if you have me blocked”. He doesn't know where I live.

What does he want? Anyone?

I’m in a lot of pain.

[Wize]

He's raced to the forefront of your thinking again with these emails.  You read them, now delete them and continue forward in your healing process. Feel what you feel right now, then let the feelings wash away. Keep looking ahead, lar. 

[Larmoyant]

Thanks Wize, I can’t stop thinking about what he might want and my hopes of a reconciliation (wth!) have been triggered. Two competing thoughts in my head ‘stay away. You’re in danger’ followed immediately by ‘no, no, no, you want this man back’. I have officially gone crazy.

[Wize]

Surface feelings; we miss and love our exes, we want to see their faces, hold them again, be with them again.  :)eep down we know that's not possible and we know that we won't go back to them because they are bad for us.  Not pint of Ben and Jerrys in one sitting bad, but drinking a gallon of bleach bad.  You know this, lar.

[Larmoyant]

 Not pint of Ben and Jerrys in one sitting bad, but drinking a gallon of bleach bad.  You know this, lar.

The part of me that is trauma bonded to him is literally screaming at me to make contact to take some of this pain away. I have never felt such excruciating emotional pain in my life. I want him so much, but I'm going to go for a long, long walk because I don't want to drink that bleach.

[Turkish]

He wants you to release him from his guilt (shame?), perhaps. 

[Wize]

but I'm going to go for a long, long walk because I don't want to drink that bleach.

See?  :)on't underestimate yourself and your strength.  You know you can do this. And you know that a nice, long walk always makes it better.  

[Ahoy]

but I'm going to go for a long, long walk because I don't want to drink that bleach.

See?  :)on't underestimate yourself and your strength.  You know you can do this. And you know that a nice, long walk always makes it better.  

Yeah I want to add to this, I've read your story and it might not be obvious to you, but I think you have grown a great deal over these past several months.

Once you clear from the FOG I think you will see there is a strength to you that you probably didn't realise you possessed.

Withdrawal from our ex's is a terrible thing, perhaps it's time to knuckle down and enforce NC?

Whatever you decide to do with this, just don't believe you are back to square one in your recovery, you will bounce back from this, in-fact I think you are doing this right now as I type =)

[rfriesen]

Based on what you shared in your post, Larmoyant, I tend to agree with Turkish -- he might just want release from his sense of guilt or shame. Or he might have thought of you and wanted to reach out. But, please, think carefully about what that means. Yes, it could mean he's conflicted and some part of him misses you ... .but the parts of his emails that you shared most definitely do not suggest a reconciliation. And certainly not any kind of reconciliation that involves him making any effort to open up or ask what you would need, or to do anything differently on his part. I'm sure you've experienced what it's like to deal with him when he expresses only conflicted emotions or at best the vaguest hints of sincere emotions. You cannot hold onto hope that he might have sincere love for you somewhere deep down where you can never access it. Or, if you hold onto that kind of hope, you can't let it guide your actions.

I understand the pain and heartache all too well. But there is nothing in what you shared from his messages that promises anything other than more pain and heartache if you hang your hopes there.
My heart goes out to you and I hope the pain subsides soon.  

[Larmoyant]

He wants you to release him from his guilt (shame?), perhaps. 

Turkish, that just crossed my mind too and with it more conflicting thoughts and feelings.

Should I relieve his guilt? Conflicting thought number (1). No chance in h***. He used me and ruined my life. (2). Have some compassion. I know he feels guilty sometimes. Simply write 'thank you' and (3) I'm scared that if I don't reply then he'll never contact me again. He'll be gone forever and I would have missed my chance.

I'm ashamed to admit the last one because anyone in their right mind would never, ever contemplate going back for more, but I'm not in my right mind. I'm depressed, all alone and I want to hold him again.

[Larmoyant]

But there is nothing in what you shared from his messages that promises anything other than more pain and heartache if you hang your hopes there.
My heart goes out to you and I hope the pain subsides soon.  

This is the day that I've realised I'm still holding on and it's heartbreaking that a part of me wants to go back to someone who hurt her so much. There is nothing in there is there? I'm just hoping there is.

[Larmoyant]

Yeah I want to add to this, I've read your story and it might not be obvious to you, but I think you have grown a great deal over these past several months.

I needed to hear this, thank you Ahoy. Time for that walk.

[Turkish]

You're not responsible for his feelings (you know that,  right?).

However,  you're in pain and still attached.  So is he.  He's dealing with it the best he knows how.  If I were to imagine not knowing BPD or the details of your history,  I would imagine he's being kind... .the only way he knows how. He may be trying to release you with grace, oblivious to the pain you are in due to his BPD traits. He's likely not capable of seeing how he's continuing to hurt you though he is.  

So,  like probably all of us here,  it's left to you to enact boundaries to protect yourself.  At this point,  what he does is likely to cause you pain.  It's a crappy place to be.   What can you do to protect yourself emotionally?

[Larmoyant]

You're not responsible for his feelings (you know that,  right?).

However,  you're in pain and still attached.  So is he.  He's dealing with it the best he knows how.  If I were to imagine not knowing BPD or the details of your history,  I would imagine he's being kind... .the only way he knows how. He may be trying to release you with grace, oblivious to the pain you are in due to his BPD traits. He's likely not capable of seeing how he's continuing to hurt you though he is.  

So,  like probably all of us here,  it's left to you to enact boundaries to protect yourself.  At this point,  what he does is likely to cause you pain.  It's a crappy place to be.   What can you do to protect yourself emotionally?

Oh, this hurts. Can’t walk yet crying too much. No, I’m not responsible for his feelings, but I feel so sorry for him sometimes. I’ve seen him struggling. The thing is if I open up communication between us again I am almost guaranteed to get hurt. He likes hurting me. I’ve seen this side of him too. Many, many times. I know it's time to take care of me. I’m hurt, badly, badly hurt. Right now. I’m going to do nothing with this, just nothing.

[Turkish]

It's OK to feel sorry for him (exhibit compassion), is also OK to feel compassion for yourself.  I think a lot of us here may be often torn thusly. 

[Sadly]

Bless you love, am with you here, the pain is crippling and takes your breath away doesn't it. I have no one to talk to except the people here who have been there, done it and lived. We have to trust them. When my urge to run back overwhelms me I come here. As you can see I have been here a lot this week. I did what was suggested this time, wrote all the bad things he did to me, the hurt he caused me, I read it constantly. I wrote the good loving things, a smaller list. There was no balance in the lists. I ignored advice here before cos for me it was different. NOT. He hurt me again and again. When a picture in my head of his gorgeous smile appears, I replace it with one of his lips sneering at me as he mocks and blames. It works, but I know it does not alleviate the pain, just helps me from picking up the phone. Be strong lovely, and help me be strong too as I am where you are.   xx

[Larmoyant]

Hi Sadly, thank you so much. I'm here for you too. I'm going to write out my list to stop me from making a mistake. I've just realised I'm making an awful lot of assumptions about what he may be feeling, but I suspect shame/guilt fits. This makes me feel stronger because he should feel shame after what he's put me through. I am not going to assuage his guilt in any which way if that's what he wants. He can live with it and anyway his mood and emotions will change soon and he'll paint be black and blame me for everything and pretend he was a wonderful, kind human being who loved me, when in fact he emotionally tortured a kind, loving soul who tried to love him. What a mess I'm in today. Sending you lots of hugs and support. One day this won't hurt anymore.

[Sadly]

Well done sweetheart and thank you for being there for me too. Now don't forget, you will need a huge sheet of paper for one list and a smallish one for the other  You are spot on about the assumptions, the trouble is we do our own type of projection and are convinced they are feeling as we do and the devastating fact is they are not. Each day this week has got harder for me and I felt cheated because it was supposed to get easier. As I write this my gut is crawling with the need to speak with him, be with him, feel his arms around me, but the truth is, it would be my arms holding him, I might get a token squeeze back and I know even then his mind would be racing away from me. My arms are around you though.   x

[NewTring]

If he really wants you shouldn't he say he misses you?

[Larmoyant]

If he really wants you shouldn't he say he misses you?

I agree and if he does he'll have to say it because as it stands I'm not answering it.

Maybe it’s shame/guilt, maybe he just wants to know I’m still here, maybe he wants to try to be friends again, maybe he wants me to know he has a new girlfriend, and/or maybe he wants to know if I’m still hurting. I don't know, but I do know that he likes hurting me which is why he sends me songs such as “Everybody Hurts”. He wants me to feel like he does.

The adult me has taken over, nothing good would come from me opening up communication again. I need to protect myself from further harm because I am rock bottom now, but want to get up. I will not allow him to drag me back to hell.

So compassion stays with me for now, maybe later when I don’t care anymore I’ll extend it to him.
 
I’m going to adopt a phrase from heeltoheal. Take care of you (me)!

[StayStrongNow]

You got my attention, my situation is different but the same in regards to missing my stbxBPDw that I used to know when ... .You know, those happier times. But that season is gone and my new season is for healing and growth.

I imagine you have many people's attention because many have your same feelings. Now we are all watching you, you are a part of our team now, the bpsfamily and we are hoping you realize reunions at this point will lead to more pain. On the other hand, we certainly understand those strong emotional desires pulling you back.
Be strong now.

[gotbushels]

I will not allow him to drag me back to hell.

That's your strength. 


You said before:

At times, I was able to step back, although that tell-tale knot in my stomach and heart racing was still there. It’s not good, not healthy. I know.  He clearly can’t let go either, and maybe hasn't found a replacement yet. I know he's been trying.

Here's a good time to step back.

Yes, it's knotty. Yes, this is the hard bit.

To put it in a simple way, now is a good time to step back and recall the big picture. With regards to the question, "What does Larmoyant want in the long term?", I won't tell you to get rid of him--so I'm going to call my expert witness here: Larmoyant. How does this behaviour of his fit into the whole? Is he temporarily being the rescuer to bring you back in? Then what? You choose, pop quiz.

• E.g. "maybe hasn't found a replacement yet. I know he's been trying. " → victim/persecutor/rescuer behaviour?
• E.g. " I'd like to understand why he left me stranded at a railway station on a cold, rainy evening and then came up with several different excuses as to why," → victim/persecutor/rescuer behaviour?
• E.g. "why he threw me out of his car at an unfamiliar location" → victim/persecutor/rescuer behaviour?

Whatever you choose, I hope you find some rest.  Tip: Don't ruminate in this spot. 

[Larmoyant]

Ok, so I’m over-emotional, still crying, but I’m fine, deep breath, I’m working through this. I’m hurting to bursting point, but if I don’t protect myself who will?

I went on a long, long walk and sobbed my heart out not caring who saw. Came home, made dinner, started watching a favourite tv show during which I heard the tell-tale sound of a text (different sound for him). He asked “Did you get my emails?”

Yes, I got them, but I don’t know what you want? Do you know what you want? I can’t risk any more push/pull, any changes of mind, no more devaluation, no more pathological jealousy, nasty insinuations, false accusations, rage, dating sites, false promises. I am a loyal, loving, consistent, kind person and I want that in return. Call me if you can offer that, but you need to show me that. Call me if you can’t, but are you willing to seek help? I’ll help you. I’ll be here, make allowances for the change, for the ups and downs. I can try to understand, try to help. But you won't because you're ok aren't you? It's everyone else. It's me. Your punching bag. I'm sorry. I really love you, but I want to feel kindness again. I want to be loved again. I want to feel worthwhile again. Can you, the person who chipped, chipped away at me, make me feel worthy again?

I didn’t send that. It’s just my thoughts. It’s going to take more than “Did you get my emails” for me to respond. But still, I feel for him if he's trying to reach out. I know he's trying to. I've seen his struggle, and it pulls me back, but then again I see his sadistic streak, when he wants to hurt me. I can't risk this anymore. So many times I've fallen for it only to land on my head, broken-hearted and crushed. I'm a feeling person and I can't change that, but I've learned on here that I don't need to, it's about boundaries. I need to develop boundaries, maybe I just started, but right now I'm just feeling incredibly sad. For him, for me, for all of us who gave our hearts to people who seem to want love, but can't trust it.

I probably sound like I’ve lost it, but I'm tired and it's been a difficult day.

Staystrongnow, yes, reunions equal pain. I can push that thought down all I like, but it keeps popping up. The days of denial are long gone. I can't push away the pain anymore if I tried.

Gotbushels, did I ever need those reminders now, thank you so much for your clever, clever post. He is indeed the 'rescuer' in that email and do I ever need a rescuer right now. It's me isn't it?

I'm exhausted. Thanks BPD family for helping me through a very, very difficult day.  

[gotbushels]

He is indeed the 'rescuer' in that email and do I ever need a rescuer right now. It's me isn't it?

In situations like this, we may look at people who care about us. In healthy world this could also be personal support groups, trustworthy persons, and religious figures. Sometimes people mention the "best person who can help you is you", which is fine and great, but that made me feel more alone. I want Taylor Swift to come coddle me . Mind knows but heart isn't convinced. One thing that can help reconcile the heart and mind is knowing that we can look to ourselves--because we tend to know exactly where it hurts and what makes us most happy. BP's haven't got this benefit because a black hole turning it's gravitational field inward tends to be more black hole. Perks of being non. 




One viewpoint on applying it is like this:

The non is typically the caretaker. These people are self-sacrificing, good at understanding others, and tend to put other peoples' needs above their own. <edit:format>

The pwBPD will take the persecutor(I hate you)/victim(Don't leave me) role--depending on the pwBPD's emotion du jour. I.e., taking as much "good stuff" for themselves--like personalised free therapy and enabling--because non doesn't know better.

If non feels strange and wants to exit → pwBPD will then be rescuer to pull the non back inside (e.g., baby ur the 1-4-me, I never knew love til u, I'm desperate for u, btw I cooked u pasta and did ur tax, misc nsync lyrics)

Once recycle happens → pwBPD hops back into persecutor/victim seats and makes you cook them pasta for another 29 days. And they lied about the tax. Voilà.

[ICantFixHer]

Realizing people with BPD traits are fluid in any given moment helped me move on; people like us are pretty stable, we feel basically the same day to day. BPDs have no regulator for their feelings, anything is fair game in any given moment. Must be a weird way to live.

When I finally realized I was dealing with a skunk with the emotional development of a 6 year old, it all made sense.

Sorry, ex, I am looking for another adult, not a surrogate child.

All the best, you are definitely on the right path. Don't let him confuse you anymore, and do so by enforcing no contact. You'll start to see thru the smoke once you've gotten some distance from the blaze.

[Lilyroze]

  Larmoyant,

  to you, I know this is hard. Stay strong. You are important, special, unique and deserve to be happy. I am sorry you are going through this. You will be so strong and centered  once this is done. Maybe find some small goals, things that bring you joy, or something you would like to do today and start. Maybe a special book?

gotbushels

The pwBPD will take the persecutor(I hate you)/victim(Don't leave me) role--depending on the pwBPD's emotion du jour. I.e., taking as much "good stuff" for themselves--like personalised free therapy and enabling--because non doesn't know better.

If non feels strange and wants to exit → pwBPD will then be rescuer to pull the non back inside (e.g., baby ur the 1-4-me, I never knew love til u, I'm desperate for u, btw I cooked u pasta and did ur tax, misc nsync lyrics)

Once recycle happens → pwBPD hops back into persecutor/victim seats and makes you cook them pasta for another 29 days. And they lied about the tax. Voilà.

These sentences are if you have been in my heart and mind. This has been my life for many years, truly... .I can make a wonderful sauce though... .Anyone for a recipe? hehe  The pasta, taxes etc... .I know so many of our stories are the same, but not. Sorry to have intruded on your thread. I want to put a thread of heartbreak, but can't just can't as I will feel like I am hurting others or taking time. Want to go for a jog, run or bike but can't now until I see a cardiologist tomorrow. Hope it is just heartbreak I can heal, as my tests lately are not good. I just need to pray and heal.

I am in such tears now, this has been my life in a few sentences ( gotbushels quote as a non caretaker). Truly my Pastor told me to leave this board, as I admitted  to him even on here have a hard time writing about my hurt. I still want to just be there for others, which is good, and I love that. You all deserve so much, hugs and happiness. I don't like seeing anyone in pain as an empath.

At same time, well, have some hurts lately and such chest pains. Went for tests, which is lot for me as in Holistic health. Co worker made me... . and just in tears and so much hurt and pain. I won't tell friends my hurt, and just facing it all, so I can heal it, move through it, be better for it. I know each day I can chose to meditate, exercise, be there for my children, and be the best I can be.

So hard as need to have some contact with someone giving me silent to finish a few things. So hurtful. I have loved this person for some many years, they meant and mean the world to me. Apparently I not enough to them to be there for me, after loving notes, friendship still extended and loved. Even knowing the abuse and what I am going through, all I have been there for them, now abandoning me in my need. They hurt me, betrayed, I still forgave to silent. What is wrong with me? Why am I putting up with?

 Still have to have limited contact with an abusive person now,  and even last week just brought so much chaos. Can't wait to get my life finally back. Only place I cry is my bed and in my Pastors office and today just couldn't stop the flow of tears. Feel so awful to have cried. I am learning to put myself first.

I had someone give me a dozen roses, I never expected from. It was beautiful, but my heart is still wanting a call from someone that won't. I need to fix that, need to heal,
and let go of those who don't make me a priority like I have them for years.

I have been asked to dinner by friend, to dance, given roses, and just cry over the one hurting me. What is wrong with me? I know I will be fine, all is good, and will keep going just sobbing now as it is so real. So hard. I guess I took a few steps back, need to keep going and will

Be well all, hugs to everyone.

Blessings