I was invited to lunch today with the kids. A belated Father's Day deal. I should have known what was up (but at least I got a free lunch and leftovers for dinner).
She said she was going to call me later to talk about some things, I asked what they were. She had the kids go a little ways away. What she said explains the coldness and weirdness I've observed between her and her H the last couple of times I've seen them.
Her H has a brother (who's name is anagrammatical of his... .one wonders about the parents here because both names are odd, nick-namey type cutesy things). My Ex never liked him because the B is unstable. She didn't want him around our kids, also because he may have been molested when he was younger. That isn't a necessary
but she thinks it may contribute to his instability.
When they moved into a new place earlier this year, my Ex said that she didn't want him around. My Ex went away for a few days, and found out that her H brought his B there. She got mad. Of course, once the foot's in the door... .B came back, and H tried to get him to leave after he forces his way into the apartment. Neighbors threatened to call the cops. B left. Some time after, B came by again, H tried to get him to leave, they got into a fight in the lot. The cops were called. I don't think any charges were filed.
Earlier this week while I had the kids, she came home to find them in H's car together. B got out and came up to her window. My Ex got scared and started the car to leave. H jumped on her hood to keep her from leaving. She called the cops. The dispatcher heard her crying so it was a quick response. B fled. So what would you think if you were a law enforcement officer arriving on scene to see an almost 6 ft guy and a 5 ft woman, the one who called? Given the events in Dallas this week, what happened next is even more foolish. He is also half African American.
H kept trying to explain things to the cops, and they told him repeatedly to shut up. He wouldn't. My Ex kept telling him to stop talking and follow the orders of the officers. B ended up being thrown to the ground, handcuffed, and my Ex said "beaten up." It was unclear whether or not he was taken downtown and booked, but the cops said that initially, he might be charged with a misdemeanor, which "might be dropped."
The kids are with her for another day, I get them for a couple of days. She's going to get an RO on B. This may not fit into her H's narrative of wanting my Ex to "rescue" his B, because I think that's what some of this comes down to, the fantasy of having a functional family, which they never had. They were both adopted.
I said that B sounded extremely unstable, and that going away for a little while to think about things (as her H said), likely wasn't going to change anything. I offered that he sounded like he had some type of mental illness like DID or ASPD. I didn't mention the "B" word, which may be more likely. I had asked her if she were taking steps to stay safe. Did she alert her family? No. I am only the second person she has told, the other being a long term friend (not one of her female friends... .likely because it would be embarrassing and some of those were her enablers). I asked if H might have told his B where her parents lived, because they watch the kids there. She said probably not, but she would ask. She said she didn't want to tell her family because she wouldn't hear the end of it from her mother about how much she messed up.
On the one hand, I can see this as being unhelpful; on the other hand, it's true. On yet another, it will likely all come out. She was able to hide her getting and RO on a short term bf she had before me, because she never brought him around the family, and the r/s was only about 8 months. Here, borderline shame and narcissism are mixed together. She also arrogantly said, "I can take care of myself." She meant if anyone tried to physically harm her. She's a spitfire, sure, but she's also not much more than 100 lbs. If I didn't have kids, I wouldn't even still be in contact with her. However, I have to be. I'll make sure she's taking appropriate steps, or I would be failing as a father to protect my kids.
The other thing she told me is that she told her H, "I don't know what I was thinking when I hooked up with you!" I think he's so desperate to have that family in his mind, that he'll stick around longer than he should. I wished I lived in a world where none of this was surprising to me, or that I only saw it in movies and on TV. I think none of us do.
