How to Let the Anger Go?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all

I have a feeling I'm not the only one who struggles with this!

My therapist was encouraging me to stay in the anger for a time, because she was afraid I would recycle. Now that time seems passed, I know I need to let go of the anger.

I have no reason to stay in anger. My ex and I don't have kids together. There is no reason I ever need to have contact with him again. I have no excuse to not let go. And yet the anger is still here... .mixed with sadness and compassion and empathy, along with that sick feeling of loss we all share.

What are some of the ways you have found to let go of the anger? Do you have any special tricks or methods or ways of coaching yourself?

[HurtinNW]

Hello all

I have a feeling I'm not the only one who struggles with this!

My therapist was encouraging me to stay in the anger for a time, because she was afraid I would recycle. Now that time seems passed, I know I need to let go of the anger.

I have no reason to stay in anger. My ex and I don't have kids together. There is no reason I ever need to have contact with him again. I have no excuse to not let go. And yet the anger is still here... .mixed with sadness and compassion and empathy, along with that sick feeling of loss we all share.

What are some of the ways you have found to let go of the anger? Do you have any special tricks or methods or ways of coaching yourself?

[ICantFixHer]

It helps me to scream at the top of my lungs, "WHY WAS I SUCH A STUPID FOOL?"

[Itstopsnow]

For me the best way to let go of him is and this is sad for me to say but true. Don't have compassion for him. It keeps you hooked. There is likely so much that went on underneath the surface that you never even knew. Have compassion for yourself and his next victim. Maybe you could have compassion for him if he was actively seeking therapy . My ex was completely sick and will stay this way unless he gets some help. It's not my obligation to worry about him anymore. Your therapist says to stay in anger phase so you can properly detach from him. You won't detach feeling sorry for him. Remember he knew what he was doing, on many levels. He knew right from wrong. If he cheated and lied and then made you to be the guilty party. Plus you have no idea what else he said or did the whole time. Trust that he will get by in life. The ways he knows how to. They don't care who they use or lean on. And they don't care when they discard you. Don't be a victim anymore . Not that you are. But if you sit there feeling sorry for him of have compassion for someone who is too selfish to seek help. Where will that get you? No where! These disorders are completely based in self centered and self seeking behaviors. It's had to have compassion for a two faced phony back stabber. Try to work towards indifference

[HurtinNW]

This brings up some interesting questions. Is there a difference between pity and compassion? I don't feel sorry for my ex. He's got enough self-pity to last a lifetime. But I do feel compassion. I loved him, I shared my body and heart with him. I feel compassion for the person inside him that could be good but has allowed himself to be filled with poison. But I would like that compassion to be more generalized, kind of like the compassion you feel for someone you don't really know.

I worry my anger is a way of staying attached, a way of staying close to the loss and close to the feelings, a way of making it present. Maybe I fear if I let go of the anger that will mean really, truly letting go of him. Forever.

I'd really like to let go of this anger now. I think its time. I just don't know how.

[bunny4523]

I wrote letters.  Mean yelling letters, poor me letters.  I just got it all out on paper, printed it and put it away.  My logic was now that I have it on paper, I don't have to save it in my head anymore.

I think reminding yourself that the things they say about you ARE NOT true helps because then those thoughts can't hurt you anymore and trigger anger.  I also try to remember that my believing those things aren't true is as crucial to my healing as him believing that they are true are to his healing... . It keeps me from being angry at him for still believing them about me... .

I work with my ex so it is even more super duper complicated.

[flourdust]

I'd really like to let go of this anger now. I think its time. I just don't know how.

You can't just flip a switch.

But you can try to mindfully let the anger drain out of you at its own pace.

If you're spending six hours today being angry at him, then so be it. Tomorrow, make it five hours, then distract yourself with something else and don't let your mind come back to ruminating about it. The next day, make it four hours. And so on.

Eventually, you'll have replaced the anger ... .not with compassion or love, but with indifference. You'll be thinking about other things, and he'll rent less and less space in your head.

[bunny4523]

This brings up some interesting questions. Is there a difference between pity and compassion? I don't feel sorry for my ex. He's got enough self-pity to last a lifetime. But I do feel compassion. I loved him, I shared my body and heart with him. I feel compassion for the person inside him that could be good but has allowed himself to be filled with poison. But I would like that compassion to be more generalized, kind of like the compassion you feel for someone you don't really know.

I worry my anger is a way of staying attached, a way of staying close to the loss and close to the feelings, a way of making it present. Maybe I fear if I let go of the anger that will mean really, truly letting go of him. Forever.

I'd really like to let go of this anger now. I think its time. I just don't know how.

I do think compassion can replace anger... . Atleast for me it does... .I feel bad for my ex.  I feel bad that he couldn't see what a beautiful woman he had in his life that adored him.  The type of relationship he lost out on.  But that doesn't play into compassion for how he treated me.  :)isordered or not... .It's bs and I won't tolerate it.  Even at work, I shut it down... .very calmly and politically correct but I stop it.

Try writing the letters... .just start with all the anger and you might find at the end you are crying and saying I'm so sorry your not well. I can't remember how mine ended but I do remember it shifted from anger to hurt to feeling empowered.

[HurtinNW]

Thanks flourdust, bunny4523, itstopsnow and Powell

I'm really hearing you that I need to move to indifference. He is taking up way too much space in my head and heart. I am starting to date again and if I want to move on and find a healthy relationship someday I need to be clear and healthy. I don't want to be a bitter, angry person.

I had a dream the other night I was trying to kill him. It was awful! And graphic. In the dream I was crying and telling him how much he hurt me, all while I was trying to kill him. He wouldn't die, of course, and when I awoke I felt such a desolate, sad feeling. There was no sense of justice in it.

I think I need to mindfully release the anger, and find some tools to do it.

Just writing this out makes me weep and I am realizing how much holding on to the anger is holding on to him and the loss.

[ICantFixHer]

Hang in there HurtinNW, my heart breaks for you. We're going to be fine -- we are all taking steps to acknowledge the issues and move forward.

Three years ago I was still stuck in the quagmire; as sad and despondent as I feel today, I would rather feel sad and despondent over knowing the real issue (BPD partner) rather than wondering what the h*ll was going on.

[once removed]

it can help to probe the anger and identify the source: is it masking hurt? is it masking a sense of hopelessness/powerlessness? is it an alternative to letting go? perhaps, if you worked hard to stay in anger, it feels uncomfortable to go in another direction?

my anger, over the course of a year went something like: righteous indignation and incredulity, to (conscious) attempts to shame and mask my hurt (i guess i believed anger was the only feeling i should feel and i released it by giving myself permission to feel otherwise) to wanting "justice" (which i think was about a sense of powerlessness, for me, and i guess i released it when i reached radical acceptance).

sometimes my anger wasnt necessarily grounded in reality and i was attributing her motives that didnt exist. learning the facts about the disorder went a long way toward depersonalizing my exes actions. hard to be angry when you see something less personally; hard not to see it personally all the same.

and in that vein, i tried to find the truth to my anger. it would not have been truth to paint her as something she wasnt, or as something totally the opposite of what i once felt. there were things about her that were unacceptable, and things i just flat out didnt like about her. i focused on those. practically, i found that writing about it seemed to release a lot of anger and align my head with my heart. feeling and expressing the anger does help to let go of it when used productively.

perhaps youve done enough of that. distraction and routine work wonders, and like flourdust said, you can limit the anger. if youre not as focused on your anger, over time, it can dissipate.

and last but not least, good ol Radical Acceptance. even when i couldnt get there in the moment, i kept my eye on that goal.

[schwing]

Hi HurtinNW,

I know it can feel frustrating to be stuck in a process that you understand and are just looking forward to moving forward or finishing the process.  Anger is part of a lot of healing processes.  Sometimes in order to move past, we need to move through.

Right now it sounds like you're still angry at your ex BPD loved one.  But I wonder if the anger you're feeling is actually coming from someplace else.  Perhaps the way that your boyfriend treated you resonates with how you were treated by other people?  Members of your family of origin (FOO)?

For me, I thought that my detachment from my uBPDgf was taking way too long until I started looking into my FOO then I realized that I had to do a whole other set of griefwork etc before I got the detachment that I was looking for.

In any case, if it starts to feel like the anger you are dealing with is getting intense or too much, I would definitely consider getting additional help (therapy et al) to make sure you don't get overwhelmed.

Best wishes,
Schwing

[myself]

Do you think some of what you're feeling is also being upset with yourself?

[bunny4523]

Do you think some of what you're feeling is also being upset with yourself?

I know I struggled with that.  Forgiving myself was hard.  I felt so much guilt for not knowing better or for not seeing the signs earlier... . I moved my son out of his home of 7 years to just move him again after 5 months.  I hated my ex for that and I hated myself too for putting him through that.  My ex knew how sensitive my son was and how I was really hesitant of changing his routine but the b*astard still pushed. Still promised rainbows and butterflies and a life of "till death to us part" f*cker didn't mean any of it.    (see there is the anger) Took me awhile to realize that I also had the strength and courage to get my son out of that situation. I handled the situation and got out.  (anger going bye bye again)  Taking back my power, giving myself credit helps me when I feel angry about a situation that feels uncontrollable.

It's been a year and my son is finally re-adjusting... . he bought into my ex's fairytale too.  He trusted and believed and was disappointed once again by a male figure... .grrr.  I know he will be ok but man that was a hard time for us to get through.  My son was angry at me too for giving him a new "home' and then taking it away.  He thought he finally had "a family".

Bunny

[HurtinNW]

Yup. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at myself for putting my kids and my heart through four years of dysfunction and pain. I'm mad at myself for returning over and over again to someone who hurt me.

I'm mad at myself for still wanting him.

I'm mad at my mother for being a mentally ill witch who blamed me for the abuse she served up. I'm mad at her for splitting all her kids against each other and pretty much destroying our relationships as well. I'm mad I have to deal with that history all over again.

I'm mad at my ex for replicating the abuse of my mother, and mad at myself for hoping this time the story would end differently, that I would be loved, and cherished. Instead I got more of the same trauma that had happened as a child. And all those wounds were opened once more.

I'm mad at myself I can't seem to get over him.

I'm angry because I'm hurt. I'm just so deeply hurt. I was hurt by my family and now I've been hurt by the man whom I loved more than anything, the man I thought was going to be my forever. I know the anger is on top of feeling powerless, hurt, told I am unloveable.

I am in therapy, which is helping, and I'm doing the stuff I'm supposed to be doing, but the anger is still there, and the anger is mostly about being hurt.

I'm reading the Radical Acceptance link once removed posted. I know a lot of this is because I have not yet really radically accepted my ex. I am still caught up in feeling the hurt and the pain and the injustice of it all. The fact he is still sitting like a giant lump in his morass of self-pity and blame really angers me at times. It is so very hard to radically accept that this is who he is and what happened between us happened and cannot be fixed. That's the bottom line, I suppose.

Thank you all for your help. 

[kc sunshine]

Hi HurtinNW!

I'm struggling with the anger too... .for me the chapter on anger in the book From Abandonment to Healing was really good. In it, the author talks about anger as a natural and important stage of the process of healing... .the one in which we reject and fight back against the assaults on our psyche caused by the trauma of the relationship and/or the abandonment. My memory of this is a little hazy now (I read it a few weeks ago), but her argument is that it is our "outer child" as opposed to our "inner child" (who was primarily desperately hurt, lonely, sad and scared) that is fighting back in this stage. Even though this is a natural stage in the healing process, a problem is that often this outer child is often self-destructive-- it's the self that procrastinates, self-harms, drinks too much etc. Her recommendation is for our adult selves to listen to the anger of the outer child-- listen to what it wants to do, etc-- and take baby steps towards doing things that are constructive for ourselves instead of destructive, e.g. little daily goals towards your own life goals that will eventually restore your own self-focus and displace your anger.

[Moselle]

take baby steps towards doing things that are constructive for ourselves instead of destructive, e.g. little daily goals towards your own life goals that will eventually restore your own self-focus and displace your anger.

Thanks for that KC. It helps me understand the self destructive parts of what I've been doing. I'm making good progress now though through taking baby steps, and I found it's important to start being around healthy, inspiring people and to do as much personal development work as possible.

I had a dream the other night I was trying to kill him. It was awful! And graphic. In the dream I was crying and telling him how much he hurt me, all while I was trying to kill him. He wouldn't die, of course, and when I awoke I felt such a desolate, sad feeling. There was no sense of justice in it.

Hi HurtinNW, thanks for this post, and sorry to hear you had a traumatic dream. I've read t dreams can often be more symbolic than literal, and that violent dreams can often be about our struggles to detach or remove things from our lives. Do you think your dream might be symbolic of your struggle to remove your ex from your life?

[HurtinNW]

Moselle,

Yes, exactly! I've had many dreams where I am screaming at my ex, pushing him, and now the one where I was trying to kill him. I think the dreams are about me trying to "get rid" of him emotionally and detach. The killing dream was especially traumatic. I suspect it is because killing him is permanent. It is about me really wanting to make a permanent break.

KC Sunshine,

Thank you! I know those baby steps add up. I just got to keep plugging away at them. How come there isn't a magic pill to make this all go faster?

[iluminati]

The best way to let go is to go on and live your life.  Reconnect with old friends and develop new ones.  Pursue your interests.  Be with friends and family.  The more you realize that there's life beyond them, the better life will seem.  Having that open space there just reminds you of their absence, and whatever comes to mind when that happens.

[Moselle]

Yes, exactly! I've had many dreams where I am screaming at my ex, pushing him, and now the one where I was trying to kill him. I think the dreams are about me trying to "get rid" of him emotionally and detach. The killing dream was especially traumatic. I suspect it is because killing him is permanent. It is about me really wanting to make a permanent break.

I think its very healthy Keep going

I recognise and empathise with some of your anger in the posts below. Childhood habits leading to dysfunctional relationships are very frustrating, especially because most of those habits were from others.

I feel alot of the same anger. I'm realising that these things are now a reflection of my internal struggles. Struggles to love myself, and let the hate go so I can love someone again. The anger was a strong indicator that someone has wronged me. But it's not helping me anymore.

I'm reading a book by Louise Hay called "Mirror work, 21 days to heal your life". Its not a magic pill, but but we can learn all the things we need to love ourselves and create some healthy habits in that direction.

I truly believe we can heal anything.

[seenr]

I have had dreams myself the past week. In one, she was all dressed up to go into a pub to meet someone. I asked her was she going 'kissing someone' and she looked nervous and I woke up. In another I saw her with a group of friends and I asked myself 'is she happy she has moved on?' And it seemed she was. I felt sad after both dreams.

But I also had a dream that I was in a house where a girl followed me into bed and I couldn't even touch her. I guess all these dreams are telling me I am scared she has moved on and I can't.

In terms of anger, I really do feel angry at the situation she has left me in. In many ways she has set me back 5 years.

[stimpy]

Hi HurtinNW, yes, I really get the anger thing. It is just about the only thing left now. The love has gone, the desire to be back with her has gone, even the sadness at what happened has gone.

An example of how it manifests itself... .last night, for some reason just before going to bed, I was thinking about her, thinking over the rotten things she did to me. I couldn't  sleep, and decided to look at some old photos I have of her. And the whistful remembering lasted about 10 seconds, and then came the anger. I cussed and swore to myself, got really angry, and then... .the anger was gone, I went back to bed and slept fine.

This anger thing seems to be like a wave, and it comes at me, I experience it, and then it goes away. This might happen two or three times a day and it lasts between 5 and 15 minutes each time.

I think my mind is still detaching from her, in effect I suppose, painting her black. But I think it is necessary, I am not at total indifference yet, but I do know I can't  help her and I do know she is bad for me and I don't want her back.

One thing that I have realised is that she is charming and nice to complete strangers, but with anyone who gets to know her well, she turns to hate and punishment. Whether it is me, her mum, her other exes, it doesn't seem to matter. And that is so hurtful to anyone who gets involved with her, the charm vanishes and is replaced with hate.

And that I am sure is one of the many reasons I feel so angry at her. The sense betrayal and injustice is something I have never experienced before. That, combined with the insults, the devaluations, the manipluations, the lack of empathy, the selfishness, the silent treatment, the refusal to discuss important issues, the lack of closure, the disrespect (I could go on... .). Well I guess anger is normal. I suppose if I turned it on its head, if I didn't feel angry, then that would be strange and odd, and would mean that I wasn't processing what has happened. So maybe one way to look at it is that it is normal to feel the anger, not to be afraid of it, to know that it is your psyche protecting itself and moving on.

I try to remind myself that she is hurting too, that she is damaged, that this is all she has, and that she survives by being the perpetual victim, blaming everyone else. It is just what she does.

Just like the parable of the frog and the scorpion trying to get across the river. She is the scorpion, who just can't help herself. It is just what she does, and until she gets help, she will keep on doing it. She is partly self aware, but she is not there yet, not that I know of anyway.

But the anger lessens over time and I feel like I am in control of that emotion, I know why it is there, and I know it is me pushing her away, detaching, moving on.

I just wish it would take less time.

[Moselle]

I try to remind myself that she is hurting too, that she is damaged, that this is all she has, and that she survives by being the perpetual victim, blaming everyone else. It is just what she does.

A very good description. They do hurt, but they are very used to this coping mechanism to handle the pain. It was there before we came onto the scene and remains after we leave.