Oh boy did I mess up hard

[sistersleep]

God I feel like the most despicable human being on Earth right now. I messed up so hard and now I'm pretty sure that any chance of reconciliation is out the window.

Last week I made a post about how my partner had erased me from all the social media groups that we shared, including a group chat that we shared with some mutual friends. Obviously when she left, every one was asking why and I just told them that she was mad at me and that I didn't want to hear any bad talk about her (these guys love to gossip and trash talk people). That was the end of that for the time being.

Then on Monday an old ex messaged me out of the blue saying how much she missed me and cared about me blah blah blah. I was feeling hurt and angry and sorry for myself so I texted her back and she proceeded to try and get me to come by her place to sleep with her because she was feeling lonely. I talked about this in the group, wondering aloud how I could have been so stupid as to answer her. And mentioned how she was trying to get me to go over there. I also gave them the history of how she's broken into my house, tried to push me in front of a bus, tried to set me on fire etc... .and said how I did not want to travel down that road again. I also said something utterly stupid along the lines of "I have a weakness for crazy women, sex and sex with crazy women." This was in relation to my entire dating history and how I have a tendency to date women who... .can get intense (to put it mildly). It was a poor choice of words and I regret it, but I can't undo it.

Well. Last night my partner (I guess I should be saying ex at this point) contacted me, and we talked for a bit. Not long, but it was pleasant for the most part. And today she rejoined the group chat. As it turns out, if you leave and come back, you can read everything that was posted while you were gone. And of course she did. So she saw everything that I had said about my ex contacting me, and she saw the "crazy" comment that I made as well. I'm fairly certain that she was not only hurt, but also very angry.

First, she lied about why she left the group in the first place. She said she wasn't mad and that she left because the notifications were annoying her. She could have easily muted the notifications if she wanted to. She could have easily let people know she was leaving. She didn't. Not to mention all the other things she removed me from. I realize she probably left not necessarily because she was mad, but because of other things she was feeling. Guaranteed she did not leave because the notifications were annoying her. So she says it makes her mad when people assume that she's mad. Okay, fair enough. But she'd been shutting me out for weeks, and it was way easier to tell the guys "she's mad at me" rather than going into great detail in a stupid chat. She won't see it that way, and I know no amount of explaining will change her mind and that's fine.

Now in the year and a half that we've known each other, I've seen her be hurt and I've seen her be angry. She's been upset with me before, but as I've said in other posts, she has never ever been outright mean to me. Tonight that finally changed. Upon re-entering the group and having read the messages she'd missed, she started openly asking the guys in the group for pictures of their privates and describing in detail what she would like to do to them. Anything I said in chat was outright ignored. I feel like she was probably hurt and upset by what she'd read, and I understand that much. But man, I felt like that was just... .a very very mean way of expressing her hurt. That was the first time I ever felt like she was making a direct attack on me. The coldness, the distance, the silence - that was all distressing for me yes, but at least that I could understand. But this. This cut me to the core. And I can imagine, that if this hurt me, that me talking about my ex contacting me probably hurt her way more.

So now I feel like a giant piece of garbage for creating a situation that would make her get to that point. Of course I am angry also, but I almost feel like that anger is pointless. I'm also angry at myself because I should have known better. But this is me and I am a pro star at screwing everything up. I feel sad because this mistake has probably guaranteed that there will never be a reconciliation. I feel bad that I've probably really hurt her feelings. I'm mad that her reaction was to go out of her way to be hurtful.

I was lost before. Now a tornado of emotion is whipping through my brain and I just don't know what to do. I don't even know if I should say something, or how I would say it. She's clearly upset, but hasn't actually come out and said it. God what a mess. (On the bright side, this forum is awesome just for existing. I actually feel somewhat better just having written that all out).

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[livednlearned]

Oof, that had to feel awful, sistersleep.

We live and learn  

With someone who is BPD, who may be more prone to inflexible and rigid thinking, it's best to say your peace and let it go. Otherwise, there will be no end to the guilt. If you do apologize, do it one time and then let it go. If she continues to bring it up (likely), acknowledge her hurt and then move the conversation forward.

You said some good things in the chat. She will focus on the bad things because it confirms for her the way she feels about herself. There is nothing that you could say that comes close to the self-invalidating things she says to herself. It will help her if you can get her to stop ruminating on the bad things that were said and move forward to less triggering topics.  

If you send her something, agree you got some things wrong and said things you regret, and then move on.

Say your peace, make it brief (this is important) and don't beat yourself up -- you'll end up giving her a more vivid picture of how she can hurt you. "I really messed up the other day and wish I could have a do-over. You mean a lot to me and I understand if you're angry. I would be too. If you ever want to reach out and talk, I'll be here for you." Something like that, in your words.

She may not come around quickly, tho admittedly, it can take even non-disordered people a couple steps to regulate their feelings when they read things about themselves. Maybe give her some space.

Try to avoid going down the rabbit hole of guilt and pleading and apologizing. None of it will work and you'll only feel worse. One of the things that make people with BPD feel bad about themselves is that they destroy relationships, and seem unable to stop that from happening. If you let this destroy you, it only confirms for her that everything she touches turns bad.

[Callmemark]

Hi Sister,

I want to reply candidly. I hope that's alright. The thing I would do, is read your post back to yourself as if it were a real friend posting. How would you tell your friend to react, feel, resolve.

What I see is that you feel you overeacted. Read your post again as if you were you are a trusted friend and ask yourself if that's true. From what I've read you didn't overreact given the circumstances, but even if you feel you did, then... .so what? Seriously, so what. You're not Gandhi.  She won't forgive you but forgive yourself. Take it easy on yourself. And here's why.

It's not really about right and wrong. It's always been about getting power over you. She is hurt no doubt but like all emotions with BPD folks it'll only last until she feels something else. Also, she won't go away for too long. They never do... ., even when you're over it and want them to go, they won't... .not for very long. It's all a subconscious play for power, which is the one thing you can't give them.

So, after she gets through flirting with others for you to see (classic middle-school power-play) and she wants to make it right, (so long as you understand you're at fault) keep your guard up. Don't let her in. Don't let her hurt you again.

If you give in and sleep with her, fine, but accept that it means nothing has changed and for it you OWE HER NOTHING. Sometimes and this is hard to say, but sometimes even great sex is still just sex. Sex is certainly not currency. It's not a basis for trust or commitment.

The best thing is of course to move on to someone who has a conscious but if you're not there yet, OK, but don't trust or believe a thing she says even on the best days. So sorry to be so harsh, I really am... .but embrace being jaded in a relationship to her or find someone you can actually trust.

I've wasted 9 years so far, believing it didn't have to be this way. I was wrong. Detachment really does equal freedom.

Take care of yourself Sister... .

[Oncebitten]

Hi Sister,

So sorry to read your story.  I find myself in a similar predicament with my BPDgf... .I know you are like me and want so badly to fix what you have done and get back what you had.  I have been trying for over a week and we have good moments followed by a disaster out of nowhere.  I can't offer anything more than support, but you have my complete support in whatever you do.  I know the others here will tell you to let go... and I have been told the same thing.  You have to decide what is best for you... .and decide how much you can take.  But whatever you do don't lose yourself, I did for awhile and its a miserable existence.