Obsessed by her cheating

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Haven't spoken to her since last Tuesday, after another failed recycle attempt. I was stupid in thinking I could just be with her for sex. She figured this out, and rightfully so on her own end, demonstrated that she's devalued me, and making me pay for trying to play her. We work together, and she's amped up her flirting with other coworkers, to the point that I believe that she is sleeping with some of them.

She denies, and makes me out to be jealous and paranoid. I'm guilty of not being upfront with her, and she knows. I'm reduced to playing games with her, and I hate myself for it. I have no physical proof that she has ever cheated, and she mentioned that '' I NEVER CAUGHT HER''   never denying. I feel stupid for keeping this drama going.

I'm to the point where for my own piece of mind, I want to hire a PI to follow her and see just how many people she could be seeing in a one week period. This is sick, and I have to stay away, but I'm obsessed by gathering concrete proof for myself, so that I could finally understand and accept that I mean nothing to her.

[Rayban]

Haven't spoken to her since last Tuesday, after another failed recycle attempt. I was stupid in thinking I could just be with her for sex. She figured this out, and rightfully so on her own end, demonstrated that she's devalued me, and making me pay for trying to play her. We work together, and she's amped up her flirting with other coworkers, to the point that I believe that she is sleeping with some of them.

She denies, and makes me out to be jealous and paranoid. I'm guilty of not being upfront with her, and she knows. I'm reduced to playing games with her, and I hate myself for it. I have no physical proof that she has ever cheated, and she mentioned that '' I NEVER CAUGHT HER''   never denying. I feel stupid for keeping this drama going.

I'm to the point where for my own piece of mind, I want to hire a PI to follow her and see just how many people she could be seeing in a one week period. This is sick, and I have to stay away, but I'm obsessed by gathering concrete proof for myself, so that I could finally understand and accept that I mean nothing to her.

[freemanstrut]

Dude.  Get a new job.

[seenr]

Not worth it Rayban.

When the trust is gone it is practically impossible to get it back. Time to move on?

[Confused?]

Haven't spoken to her since last Tuesday, after another failed recycle attempt. I was stupid in thinking I could just be with her for sex. She figured this out, and rightfully so on her own end, demonstrated that she's devalued me, and making me pay for trying to play her. We work together, and she's amped up her flirting with other coworkers, to the point that I believe that she is sleeping with some of them.

She denies, and makes me out to be jealous and paranoid. I'm guilty of not being upfront with her, and she knows. I'm reduced to playing games with her, and I hate myself for it. I have no physical proof that she has ever cheated, and she mentioned that '' I NEVER CAUGHT HER''   never denying. I feel stupid for keeping this drama going.

I'm to the point where for my own piece of mind, I want to hire a PI to follow her and see just how many people she could be seeing in a one week period. This is sick, and I have to stay away, but I'm obsessed by gathering concrete proof for myself, so that I could finally understand and accept that I mean nothing to her.

I don't know your whole story but if you just wanted to be with her for sex then I really don't see what the issue is. Plus even if she is seeing a bunch of people and sleeping with them that's her doing. She's single now. What is in the past is in the past. Dissecting the relationship you had into every little detail will drive you nuts.

[Rayban]

I wanted to call her so bad tonight, but I'm proud I resisted. I just read some posts on here, and let the urge slip away. This is the perfect time to move on. I'll just stick to no contact. Make her live her life the way she wants, and I'll have to work on getting mine back.

The recent recycles have been hell on me. Once again I have myself to blame for wanting to play tennis with a Wimbledon champ. I know she's devalued me, and painted me black, and I have to get it through my head that this is a blessing.

The hardest part in this whole thing is obsessing on what she's doing, instead of working on what I could do to get better.

[ICantFixHer]

I have been so, so worried my ex BPD girlfriend has been cheating on me the entire 9 years we were together.

I moved out a year ago to escape her abuse with the expectation she would finally take therapy seriously. So far, she hasn't.

I confessed to her a week ago that during our worst, most gruesome episode, I cheated on her a bunch of times. Every time she yelled at me, "I'm gonna F*CK someone!", I would do two in retaliation. Sorry, I'm human.

Today she confessed to something I'd totally forgotten.

We'd been together about a year, she was living in my house, and somehow I saw an email of some woman's breasts some stranger had sent to my ex behind my back. I can't even remember the text of the email, it was so long ago.

I confronted her about it and I had my first taste of The Skunk. She went ballistic and needless to say, all the stuff she hurled at me totally overshadowed the email event and this whole wicked game started.

Today, as I begged her to tell me anything just so I could have closure, she admitted the email event was "inappropriate." No "I'm truly sorry I deceived you", no "I can understand why you were upset", nothing. Just, "Yeah, I was inappropriate."

We were a committed couple almost a year in. She had moved into my home with me at my request. She asked a stranger to send her pictures of his wife's breasts without ever telling me, going behind my back.

That, to me, is cheating, especially because I knew she was on a lot of sex boards before we met and I told her in no uncertain terms did I want her doing that, that I considered it cheating. She agreed.

Is it cheating? If course it is. Right?

The confusion Skunk creates in my mind is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[rfriesen]

The recent recycles have been hell on me. Once again I have myself to blame for wanting to play tennis with a Wimbledon champ. I know she's devalued me, and painted me black, and I have to get it through my head that this is a blessing.

Yes, the cheating and the lying are truly bitter pills to swallow. There is no way around that hard truth. And I also went through a phase during the breakdown part of our relationship where I thought, "ok, we'll just go back to sleeping together." My ex started with me when she was engaged and as things between the two of us started falling apart, I thought, why not just accept that she's probably sleeping around on me now too, but remember that I'm the one who ended the relationship (because of her rage, jealousy, chaos and my always having to walk on eggshells) and enjoy the great sexual connection so long as she still wants to as well.

But I realised quickly there was no going back to the initial phase when it was sex without all the relationship chaos. After that initial phase, we fell really hard for each other and it seemed like the most intense, loving, passionate relationship imaginable. Then, of course, the horribly unstable phase where she increasingly attacked, raged, undermined, manipulated me and (as I found out later) began searching for replacements.

Trying to keep just the sex going after all that ... .it just comes with too much baggage. At least for me. And it involves living in her world of cheating, lying, emotional chaos, cynicism. As you say, this is the world in which they run circles around us. And I think she liked seeing me join her there - as if to say, "see, after all your anger about my lies and cheating, you're more than happy to take part, to help me cheat on someone else. You were so full of it, pretending you're better than that." But I don't actually want to live there, in that kind of world with her, even with great sex. I'm happier in a less exciting world, so long as it has genuine, honest relationships without all the games that mess with my head.

So why live in a world of scheming and games where, as you say, she's a champ and you're miserable? It takes an effort to leave that world, it's true. Sitting with your feelings and the pain of having been betrayed by her while she's seemingly still having fun and excitement in that world. But make it through that stage and get used to living away from the games and scheming ... .and you're in a world that she can't handle, that she's completely unable to play in. If you can shake off this relationship and show yourself that the lies and games are not worth it to you, then she can't touch you. And, over the long haul, it's a much better place to be. It's just very hard to stick with it in the short term. It really is something like a drug addiction -- imagine you experience the greatest high, best feeling of your life, on heroin. You just want to experience that feeling again. But the more you try, the more misery you heap on yourself. The fact that your ex and others stay in the game isn't a very good reason for you to do so as well. It's not a game that ends well for anyone, and you should consider yourself lucky that you've realised that relatively early, while your ex is stuck there for the long haul. Yes, she might experience highs along the way ... .but as you know perfectly well, it's not a happy world she lives in. And it only gets worse as you age and other people move on with their lives ... sure, maybe less exciting lives on the outside, but lives built on genuine relationships and trust.

[rfriesen]

Rayban,
I did want to acknowledge, though, the fact that you work with her and I can only imagine the horrors that creates. I worked with my ex while we were still together, but was in another city when our relationship fell apart and the mask came off. I cringe just thinking about how it would be to work with her and having to watch all her flirting, to hear all the sexual innuendo she loves to engage in, ... .
So you have my heartfelt sympathy. All I wanted to convey in the last post is that, yeah, you clearly recognise that living in her world of scheming and games is miserable, even if you tell yourself it's just for the sex. Also gives her that power of seeing how much you still want sex with her, of all people, that she can still pull you in with sex even though it makes you miserable otherwise.
Good on you for not reaching out tonight. It's a question of momentum. Just keep yourself heading in the right direction and you'll feel the power shift back to you.

[fromheeltoheal]

The hardest part in this whole thing is obsessing on what she's doing, instead of working on what I could do to get better.

And is the reason you're obsessing based on what you said above?

but I'm obsessed by gathering concrete proof for myself, so that I could finally understand and accept that I mean nothing to her.

You've made a rule in your head that if she is indeed having sex with other people, then you mean nothing to her.  Is that really true?  Is it possible to have a relationship with someone and it just doesn't work out, because a lot of things have to be right for a relationship to work out, but the partners still care about each other deeply?

And would concrete proof make you feel good or bad?  Bad I'm guessing.

working on what I could do to get better.

Work sounds like work, what if you just decide?  The word incision means to cut into, the word decision means to cut off, meaning when we make a real decision we cut off any other possibility.  So if your WERE going to get better, what decisions would you need to make?  And decisions can be made in a heartbeat.  Good way to phrase it BTW, saying you want to get better says you're already good, you just want to get better, beats the hell out of saying you're damaged or wounded and need to heal, yes?

[asphyx]

Having someone that claims they are so in desperately in love with you, to be cheating and likely telling someone else the exact same things behind your back is one of the most painful feelings imaginable. It just feels like your entire relationship was a lie.

I don't even know how you recover from it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't even know how you recover from it.

Well, facing it, talking about it, and posting here are a great start asphyx.  And it is painful, and if we don't put it to use it was wasted pain.  And for starters, if you were faithful, committed and loving in the relationship, and wanted it to work, someone who cheated on you either didn't want to be in it and didn't have the courage to end it, or they couldn't help themselves, and folks like that aren't qualified to get your love.  And then build from there, on the way to creating the life of your dreams, populated by folks who see things your way and are worthy of your commitment.

[Rayban]

Thank You for that rfriesen


She would often bring up the fact that all her friends were having kids and that she was sick of  going to baby showers. She is 30 years old, and she has been at it since 18. She admitted to 3 engagements, and 2 abortions. I had hope that she would realize that there is more to life then hanging out at the beach, or going to the latest night club. The truth is, that this woman needs constant male attention. Age, Race, Weight, bald, hairy ... .it didn't matter.

It would make me jealous to have us walk through a mall, and she would purposely  expose cleavage. I saw it everyday working with her the way she would flirt with just about anybody, including other women. I have no hard evidence, but my gut is telling me she's triangulating or involved with many coworkers. She is in constant need of external validation. Her body is her temple. She also has strong narcissistic traits. She has talked about getting implants, even though in my opinion she is far from needing them. She's stocked with wigs, and hair extensions, which makes me wonder who she is using them for.

I tried explaining that I didn't like her flirting with other men. Of course she denied it. I initiated break ups because of this, but I gave her no reason to change. She would contact me, and we would be back together. I've never lived with her. We each had our own apartments. There were periods where we would talk or text on the phone, but we wouldn't see each other on odd nights. I know she can't stand being alone at night, and she has referenced a myriad of guys and exes that she kept up contact with over the years. I'm sure there was somebody there to sooth her.

So many reasons why I should have bailed after a month with her. It was nagging at me already then. It just got progressively worse, the more I brought it up. At this point she began devaluing me, and we would go periods of a few weeks with out speaking, but she always recontacted me, and I foolishly took her back. A pattern developed, where the more she would flirt, the more I would explain why I didn't think it was appropriate. Ultimately I began pulling away, and was painted black.

At this point I knew what I was dealing with. My support system warned me to stay away, but I just couldn't. In the end, she new I was using her for sex, and she knew, I knew that she was using me for validation. I was playing games with her, and deserved the abuse she dissed out. I think it gets to a point  that they cant stand to bear a person that is willing to establish a relationship with them, because of the self hatred and low self esteem.

So in the end I'm left with more intense FOG. I'm dealing with the shame of believing this could work. Maybe early on she believed this too. Now it's just her mission to minimize the relationship's importance, and more importantly what I meant to her. It might be her retaliation for my behavior because I know I should have just let her go a long time ago.

I'm reduced to a shell of myself. I fear she will seek revenge because I was stupid enough to play games with her. I have to work with this person. Just hope I'm strong enough to face the consequences.
She is on a mission to make me feel unimportant to her

[Rayban]

I don't even know how you recover from it.

Well, facing it, talking about it, and posting here are a great start asphyx.  And it is painful, and if we don't put it to use it was wasted pain.  And for starters, if you were faithful, committed and loving in the relationship, and wanted it to work, someone who cheated on you either didn't want to be in it and didn't have the courage to end it, or they couldn't help themselves, and folks like that aren't qualified to get your love.  And then build from there, on the way to creating the life of your dreams, populated by folks who see things your way and are worthy of your commitment.

I was this way in the beginning fromheeltoheal. In the middle to end of the relationship, I just became cynical . I tried to remain detached emotionally, but she would read right through me. My ex could detect a sudden mood change. Can't tell you the amount of times I would walk into a room feeling bad about us, and she would ask ''what's wrong?'' 

She would always throw sex at me. I couldn't resist. I believe that she was looking for a deal where I would be with her, get all the sex I want as long as she gets to do whatever she desires. I know that meant seeing plenty of other men. She is addicted to male attention.

I went over board with the jealousy, and see how foolish it is now.

I don't want this in my life

[fromheeltoheal]

In the middle to end of the relationship, I just became cynical . I tried to remain detached emotionally, but she would read right through me.

I don't want this in my life

So the key is to really become detached emotionally, which is what we're doing here on the Detaching board, and you don't have to have that in your life, if you don't want it.  And it's a process, you're doing fine, and what can you do differently, just one thing, for the next week; having a specific goal is good, it keeps us focused and moving forward.

[Nuitari]

Haven't spoken to her since last Tuesday, after another failed recycle attempt. I was stupid in thinking I could just be with her for sex. She figured this out, and rightfully so on her own end, demonstrated that she's devalued me, and making me pay for trying to play her. We work together, and she's amped up her flirting with other coworkers, to the point that I believe that she is sleeping with some of them.

She denies, and makes me out to be jealous and paranoid. I'm guilty of not being upfront with her, and she knows. I'm reduced to playing games with her, and I hate myself for it. I have no physical proof that she has ever cheated, and she mentioned that '' I NEVER CAUGHT HER''   never denying. I feel stupid for keeping this drama going.

I'm to the point where for my own piece of mind, I want to hire a PI to follow her and see just how many people she could be seeing in a one week period. This is sick, and I have to stay away, but I'm obsessed by gathering concrete proof for myself, so that I could finally understand and accept that I mean nothing to her.

Rayban, I can relate to this in a big way. The idea of my ex in a sexual situation with someone else is excruciating for me, but not knowing is even worse. I know for a fact that my ex was a cheater, because I was the other guy, but wondering about her other possible sexual escapades became an unhealthy obsession for me. My ex was married, and she cheated on her husband with me. She told me she never loved anyone until she met me. She said that she and her husband weren't getting along, and weren't even sleeping in the same room. Like an idiot, I bought all of it. But part of me always wondered if she were lying to me. Given her sexual appetites, I found it hard to believe that she wouldn't conveniently use him, even if it were true that she didn't love him. Not knowing was eating me up inside. I finally confronted her about it and got her to admit the truth.  Sometimes what we want to hear isn't what we need to hear. I needed to hear her tell me that she was sleeping with him. I needed that in order to move on. I had given up on her ever leaving him, which was the original plan. And in choosing not to tell me that they had reconciled and were intimate again, she wasn't allowing me to let go and move on. Now I can accept that she didn't care about me, that I was nothing but a tool for her. The truth hurts, but it has helped me to detach. Perhaps this is why you feel the need to know about your ex's cheating?  For me, its hard to move on when I have lingering questions. I always need to fill in as many gaps in my knowledge as possible.

I also have reason to suspect that my ex was having threesomes with her husband and a female co-worker of his. And not knowing nags at me even to this day. Again I feel a need to know. I'm not sure why the idea bothers me so much. I already know she was sleeping with her husband, sometimes only an hour after professing her love to me. I already know that she never cared anything about me. I already have those important answers I need. In the grand scheme of things, does it matter if she had a threesome behind my back? In the face of everything else that I've learned, why does that matter to me so much?  I regret not pressing the issue more when we were still in contact. I've been very tempted to call her and find out the truth about it, but I don't because I know it'll be a waste of time. Whether the threesome happened or not, I know she'll never admit it. Instead I remind myself that it just isn't relevant. I've already learned enough about this woman to know that she isn't someone who I could ever trust, and that has to be enough. But still, its hard not knowing.  

  

[Rayban]

Nuitari

I've come to the same occlusion myself.  She has demonstrated that receiving validation from multiple sources at once is more important then a monogamous relationship. I've seen it multiple times right in front of my eyes. She needs to flirt and have men and sometimes women desire her.  It's like blood to her she needs it to feel live.

I think what she wanted in me was a home maybe marriage which would allow her to portray a sense of nomalacy.  She was probably testing me to see how much I was willing to accept in terms of her promescuity. 

Ultimately I don't want to be that guy that sits at home, while she's out litteraly doing the town. I know I'm better off without her.

[rfriesen]

I think what she wanted in me was a home maybe marriage which would allow her to portray a sense of nomalacy. 

This is the part that still hurts me and pisses me off. I was happy to have a casual relationship with my ex at first. I thought it was just going to be a sexual connection, maybe also enjoying each other's company as friends, but nothing more than that. She was engaged at the time and I was perfectly prepared to accept her going on to get married and it having just been an affair between the two of us. Then she left her fiancé and came at me so hard, insisting she loved me more than anything, more than anyone she had ever known, and wanted to be together just the two of us. She was so pathologically jealous of other women talking with me that I figured she really was intent on a life just the two of us.

I fell for her really hard, although I still resisted moving so fast. Eventually that dynamic turned ugly, and bit by bit it came out how much she was fooling around with other guys. I can't say 100% she was sleeping with other guys before I finally ended things, but all signs point to yes. And even if not, she was behaving in ways that would have made her insane with rage and jealousy if I had done the same with other women.

So why work so hard to lock me down in a monogamous relationship? I can only conclude, like you, that it was for some sense of normalcy, or to portray a certain image to others around her. She also loved the excitement of a secret relationship with me when she was with her ex ... .so maybe she needed someone to be committed to her, in order for all her other affairs to have that extra spice of betrayal. Who knows? It's all pretty twisted.

Nuitari, I wonder whether you still long for confirmation of all these horrible facts so that you can finally, truly convince yourself she never cared? Because, for us, it doesn't add up that they could be so deceptive, unfaithful, cruel, ... .and still have loved us. We want to know which it was -- deceitful and cheating to the core, or some genuine element of love. Honestly, it's hard to process, but I'm pretty sure it's not one or the other, at least speaking from my experience. When I think of how hysterical and crushed my ex was while trying to hold onto me, how hard she worked to convince me we were meant for one another, how intense the good times were ... .I know she loved me very passionately in moments. Or we can scare quote "love" if you like, since I think most of us feel love is more than just moments of intense feeling and emotional highs. It has to involve some sense of commitment and constancy in one's feelings -- a person who declares her undying love, who wants more than anything to be happy with you forever, who demands your complete loyalty and devotion to her, ... .but who the very same day is knee-deep in sexual innuendo with another guy, or flat-out sleeping with other men, while lying to you about it ... .that's not love in any healthy sense.

But it doesn't mean they never cared. Just that they're completely unstable emotionally and can't "fix" their minds and hearts on any one path. Not an excuse for their behaviour at all -- the fact that my ex continues to tear through relationships without making any effort to change ... .that's on her and she's responsible for it. But if you're trying to find out all the dirty, so that you can finally truly believe your ex never cared ... .you might be searching for a truth that isn't actually there. The truth may be more complicated and twisted than that. Not sure whether that's a good or a bad thing ... .

[stillfading]

Hey rayban I just started going through this with my BPD ex. I finally got her to confess to seeing other guys, she had the balls to show me her texts on the spot in a desperate moment of "honesty" to win me back when I told her to take a hike. Well, I did take her back for a few days, but alas it just goes back to more problems until I said enough and now we are NC on my terms.

The point I guess I am making is that even though I found out from her own admission as well as saw the texts with my own eyes that confirmed her escapades it hasn't made anything better at all. It doesn't hurt less. It isn't easier to let her go. It was painful as hell to see everything. Be glad you don't have that opportunity man, honestly.

[Rayban]

My exbdgf is onto her 31st bday. She knows the clock is ticking, and she sees her friends starting families and she's beginning to feel left out. Her family, we'll actually her dad is always there to bail her out,  told her to settle down. This was the hope for me a few months into the relationship.  I thought that she would finally let go of the partying phase and hanging out with twenty somethings at hip nightclubs, or beach parties and concerts,  even after years and years of hanging with that element. Her other hobby is hunting down older restaurant owners (she dreams of owning a restaurant) and has admitted to having gotten marriage purposals in her early twenties. I  didn't mind what her past was like, I just wished that she had learned from it, and was willing to adapt her ways. That's not going to happen until she hits rock bottom, and her daddy refuses to bail her out.

Did she truly care, dare I say it loved me? Perhaps, when she was with me and I held her like no one else has ever did before.

Problem is that it was quickly forgotten the minute she saw somebody else . I didn't matter then. This new person was shiny and ready to be seduced.  That's what she lives  for. As I'm typing this I remember going over to her place on a Saturday afternoon, and she was putting on a show washing her car.  Low cut top, bending over showing her thong. While neighbors would start sitting on their porches watching the show.  Was in the FOG,  and didn't think at the time how insulting it was to me sitting on her steps. I could go on and on with other examples of us being out and her putting on a show.

I wanna woman how has eyes for me only.  Who if she needs validation could get enough from me. All these people that she tries to seduce, have to have lead to more then simple attention. God knows what she did when I wasn't around. You're right doesn't bloody matter.  She made her choice,  promescuity over me. I have made mine.  I won't accept that behavior.  I don't want to spend my life wondering who she is with now.

I think she realizes this and is on  a mission to find some guy who either doesn't mind, or is completely oblivious and it will be to late when he finds out. I'm respecting myself. Don't want anything to do with her.

[Nuitari]

The point I guess I am making is that even though I found out from her own admission as well as saw the texts with my own eyes that confirmed her escapades it hasn't made anything better at all. It doesn't hurt less. It isn't easier to let her go. It was painful as hell to see everything. Be glad you don't have that opportunity man, honestly.

My experience was the opposite. The truth hurts like hell, but at the same time there is something liberating about it. It made it easier for me to cut ties with her.

rfriesen, I think you're right that I am searching for evidence that she never loved me or cared. That's actually become the more comfortable belief for me. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that she could have had genuine feelings and still do the things she did. I don't know how to process that. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel under those circumstances.

Sometimes I think its the dishonesty that hurts me more than the sex with other people. I knew my ex had a high sex drive, and when her husband came back home and was living under the same roof with her, it was hard for me to buy that she wasn't trying to get it from him. She assured me that this wasn't the case, and seemed so sincere about it. Now I can't help but feel insulted that she would ask me to believe that after letting me see that side of herself. My ex is very hypersexual, and I took it to be a sign of our closeness that she would reveal that side of herself to me. That she would turn around and try to deny to me that that side of herself exists, once her "needs" changed, makes me realize that that very personal bond, that feeling of closeness, was all one sided. She didn't feel any of those things. How could she when she could so easily put a on a mask after showing me her real face and expecting me to not see through it? We grew too close for me to fall for that, and that she would expect me to speaks volumes about how close she considered us to be.

[ICantFixHer]

In the grand scheme of things, does it matter if she had a threesome behind my back?

No. Whatever her basic sexual desires are is irrelevant; do you really want to know if there were animals involved? What she did sexually doesn't matter -- people do stuff. To preoccupy yourself with the sordid details of her extra-interaction encounters is a waste of time.

What is relevant is why does she have the need to move from partner to partner, sexually?

B.P.D.

Dig my situation tonight:

Yesterday I got *almost* the last of my stuff from my BPD ex gf; when I was done she wanted to talk. It escalated in, like, less than a minute and she asked me to leave. I did and I said to her, "skunk." As I walked to my van she said, "___!" and slammed the door. I knew it was the perfect ending.

She is now in crisis mode because by her having the last negative word with me yesterday, she realizes my leaving is totally justified. She wants to re-write yesterday, "not leave things in a negative place," and basically alter the reality of the situation. She said she would call me tonight so we could make our ending better.

As if.

She called tonight at 7:30PM sharp as she'd promised via text earlier, and I just let it ring and ring and ring. There is a voice mail but I am in no hurry to hear it.

I own this skunk now. Move on, dude. We got used, work on getting past it. It's hard but now you KNOW what to look for next time. Take the time to recollect yourself and be healthy again,  not shell-shocked like we were. Never give her that.

[Rayban]

Amen to that.


I'm getting better.  I'm letting logic back into my life.  I don't need an explanation from her, because her inability to admit wrong doing, and the shame it would bring her with crush her fantasy world.

Powell.

I believe that alot of it in the case of my BPDex, revolves around poor impulse control. If it feels right at any given moment, she'll do it without caring about the consequences, and how she would be not only hurting herself but other people around her.

She can't validate herself therefore she can't be alone.  She gives herself to anybody who pays her attention.  She needs lots of it.

I  remember her justifying her drinking, smoking, reckless driving, doing drugs, shoplifting, maxing daddy's credit card,   binge eating and  last but definitely not least promiscuity, as her having gone through so much, that now she just does what  she wants cause life is too short?

Yup I picked a winner. Now comes the hard part in understanding why I  chose to stay with someone like this.

[asphyx]

No. Whatever her basic sexual desires are is irrelevant; do you really want to know if there were animals involved? What she did sexually doesn't matter -- people do stuff. To preoccupy yourself with the sordid details of her extra-interaction encounters is a waste of time.

What is relevant is why does she have the need to move from partner to partner, sexually?

B.P.D.

Dig my situation tonight:

Yesterday I got *almost* the last of my stuff from my BPD ex gf; when I was done she wanted to talk. It escalated in, like, less than a minute and she asked me to leave. I did and I said to her, "skunk." As I walked to my van she said, "___!" and slammed the door. I knew it was the perfect ending.

She is now in crisis mode because by her having the last negative word with me yesterday, she realizes my leaving is totally justified. She wants to re-write yesterday, "not leave things in a negative place," and basically alter the reality of the situation. She said she would call me tonight so we could make our ending better.

As if.

She called tonight at 7:30PM sharp as she'd promised via text earlier, and I just let it ring and ring and ring. There is a voice mail but I am in no hurry to hear it.

I own this skunk now. Move on, dude. We got used, work on getting past it. It's hard but now you KNOW what to look for next time. Take the time to recollect yourself and be healthy again,  not shell-shocked like we were. Never give her that.

Why do you keep calling her a skunk? You say it in basically all of your posts . I've never seen anyone refer to their BPD ex/partner as that.

[rfriesen]

I believe that alot of it in the case of my BPDex, revolves around poor impulse control. If it feels right at any given moment, she'll do it without caring about the consequences, and how she would be not only hurting herself but other people around her.

She can't validate herself therefore she can't be alone.  She gives herself to anybody who pays her attention.  She needs lots of it.

Yes, couldn't say it any better in describing my ex. When she has to face the consequences, THEN she cares. Every time I told her I needed to step away from the relationship, she would express the kind of regret, sadness, despair that could tear the heavens apart. And I believe she really truly meant it in those moments. And her yells of "why is this happening? you CAN'T do this to me!" were also so desperate and genuine that I believe she really couldn't fathom it all in the moment. Her world was falling apart and she couldn't understand what was causing it. For that hour of despair, she was ready to do anything to stop it from happening! But would it stop her from lining up another guy a week later? Not a chance.

The more distance I gain from the relationship, the more I'm able to empathise with her. Imagine finding yourself in such despair and panic that you collapse in sobs and hopelessness every week or two.

Well the distance is good for me. Being able to empathise makes me feel better about myself - not to mention how much better it feels not to be on the immediate receiving end of all that craziness. Because when it's up close, after a while there's just no way to empathise -- it's too brutal and cruel for someone to tear your heart out with expressions of desperation and love and promises to be good ... .only to forget all about that a day later, to laugh it all off and tell me "not to take things so seriously". Ugh, still infuriates me, maybe that more than anything -- that she can act like the world is ending and beg you to take her tears more seriously than you've ever taken anything, then to turn around and tell you that you shouldn't dwell on it so much. That's as twisted as anything I've seen in my almost 40 years on this planet.

[Nuitari]

In the grand scheme of things, does it matter if she had a threesome behind my back?

No. Whatever her basic sexual desires are is irrelevant; do you really want to know if there were animals involved? What she did sexually doesn't matter -- people do stuff. To preoccupy yourself with the sordid details of her extra-interaction encounters is a waste of time.

I know you're right. I think for me its an ego thing too. I don't act on it, but I live with the compulsion to call her out on this stuff she doesn't realize I know about, to let her know I'm not the idiot she thinks I am. I just don't like her thinking she got one over on me.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Not worth it Rayban.

When the trust is gone it is practically impossible to get it back. Time to move on?

Agree 100%. Once the trust is gone is gone. I got back with my uBPDex and I always kept thinking who she was texting, talking to behind my back.  The thought of it never left my mind. I ended up braking up with her and leaving. That's too much pain to go through.