It's all over

[Lost23]

My postings here had become sporadic. My r/s w my xwBPD had got to a manageable point, as good as it would ever be. We got along well. She was in therapy, doing quite good. I was proud of her. She had ended a tumultous r/s w on/off bf/replacement who was even more messed up.

Then something happened, she had a breakdown, and I came back here for help, answers, something. I just looked back on my last post and am filled w regret and guilt.

My xwBPD, mother of 3, spent 7 weeks in/out of the mental hospital. Given a slew of meds, 5 weeks worth of 4 different kinds of sleep inducers, anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, sent on her way, committed suicide on fathers day.

She dropped the kids off, stood in my walkway looking sad and broken, said 'have a good weekend', drove to her parents where no one was, took every last pill and never woke up.

I don't know why I'm sharing this. I'm on a completely different site now, for suicide survivors. I have my kids, obviously. I'm doing the best I can. Maybe I just typed in whatever and ended up back here and realized there's no need for me to seek counsel here any longer. Maybe to read my last entry and wonder why I didn't do more. Maybe just to say bye and thank you for a place to not feel alone in this battle.

I was prepared to struggle with this. The ups and downs and challenges of co-parenting, and trying to help her without letting myself get caught up in more hurt. I was not prepared for this.

[Turkish]

I'm so sorry Lost23,

It sounds like so much was done, and hope for her healing was snatched away... .

I can't even imagine what it must be like with your children.  I hope you have real life support for your family   

T

[drained1996]

Lost23,

I'm not qualified to be a counselor, but I am qualified to comment on BPD as it has been in my life for a long time.  It's not your fault.  You couldn't fix it, you couldn't fix her.  You like all of us cannot save him/her from their past and their own internal issues.  That's simply not possible without them ready willing and able to take that journey for themselves.  I'm so heartbroken for you and the outcome of your journey.  Keep in mind that any of us here could hear the same news tomorrow, and while that's absolutely devastating to acknowledge, it's simply a nature of the illness we cannot control.  I think you may find some help here in your process... .as a lot of us here know the illness well.  Stay strong and know there are prayers for you.

[Larmoyant]

Lost23, I wish I had some comforting words for you. The only thing I can offer is my heartfelt condolences. My heart goes out to you and your children 

[Wize]

Lost23, man, I'm so sorry.  I really don't have the words. Please hang in there.  And please stay close to the people who love you.  Lean on your friends and family so that you can be strong for your kids.  Prayers for you because you really need them right now. 

[ICantFixHer]

Heartbreaking but I agree with what Drained1999 said. So sorry.

[Lilyroze]

Lost23.

I am so sorry, my deepest condolences to you and your children. How heartbreaking, please take care of you. Lean on your friends and loved ones for support. Prayers and blessings for you and your children.

[heartandwhole]

Lost23,

I am so sorry for your loss and pain right now. My heart goes out to you.  Please be extra gentle with yourself, and know that you are always welcome here, to be among friends and to connect with us if you need to.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

heartandwhole  

[Reforming]

Hi Lost23,

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

There are words that can describe it or give you the comfort you deserve. After the positive developments that you described it is terribly sad. Nobody could prepare for this.

I can't imagine what you're feeling right now but if you feel like sharing or you need to talk we are here for you.

You're in our thoughts

Reforming

[Woolspinner2000]

Lost23,

I join all the others here in saying how sorry I am that you and your children have had this terrible loss in your lives. No words help the hurt go away, but I hope you can feel arms around you, holding you tight with comfort and understanding. Hold on and give yourself all the time you need as you navigate these waters.

 
Wools

[HurtinNW]

I am so, so sorry. There is a lot of suicide in my family and I know how devastating it is. I'm glad to hear you are the suicide support group. I hope your kids get support too, here in my area we have the Doughy Center which helps kids with the death of a parent, free of cost. I hope there is something like that for your precious babies.

Like others say, this is not your fault. Suicide can come with so much pain, so much guilt and remorse and second-guessing. I wish you didn't have this happen to you and your children. Sending all my support and care.   

[HappyChappy]

Lost23,

I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. Reading your previous post it did sound like you did as much as you could considering. We can only change ourselves. Be good to yourself.

[WishIKnew82]

There are no words. This is like the nightmare scenario you would never want to happen. I feel terrible for you and your children. I know many have said this and it will take time to really feel this but it is not your fault!
There is no such thing as directing a person with BPD. You can only do everything. And after that, they can still act the way they do and you being left thinking/feeling you could've done more even though that isn't the case.

Losing someone is a horrible experience. My suggestion would be to try to grief through it as a 'normal' death. A sick person is a sick person. Whether it is cancer or from BPD. Don't let the mental situation make you feel guilty about it or anything else. She was sick. The illness was too strong. It had nothing to with you.

I wish you the very best. These are not words. I really mean it. Stay healthy. For yourself first. That is the main thing you can do now. I hope you'll get through this the best way possible and find happyness in your life. The other board you were referring too is a good place to start since they are the ones who can really understand.

Much strenght to you.