Introduction

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello,

I am not sure the best way to introduce myself.

I'm here because my 20 year old son suffers from BPD, and I have been struggling quite a bit to help him establish himself. We have a good but strained relationship, although I am concerned that he isn't taking steps to stay healthy... .specifically, he avoids going to therapy (sometimes he accepts the premise and acknowledges he needs help -- other times he says that he doesn't need it, and therapists are just in it to get paid).

His health is also compromised in that he has a congenital spinal condition that required major surgery a few years ago. He still suffers from symptoms of his condition (mostly pain). He second-guesses the advice of his doctors, and he has been very lackadaisical about following doctor's prescription of going to physical therapy. There have been several issues addressed by the doctor in person that my son completely glosses over (for example, the doctor explained ramifications of a particular procedure, and my son had no recollection of that part of the discussion).

A couple years ago, my son had gotten into a little trouble and was doing things that were detrimental to his mental health, and as we have a younger child in our home, we no longer allowed him to live with us. We had discussed his moving out, and it was approached by all as a positive change.

About 7 months passed and he lost his job. He didn't look for another job (I assume he thought that something would fall in his lap), and had just received eviction papers a month later. I don't know what he did for the month after he lost his job, although the times I spoke with him, he would tell me that he was planning to fill out an application that day or the next day.

I have a friend who lives in a different city that offered to let my son come and live with him for a few months. In that time, my friend worked with my son to focus on studying computer programming, and he helped my son put together a plan to get an internship or job. After their time together, my son landed a fantastic job, was able to move in with a roommate.

Over the last year, my son had a few run-ins with his boss, and we would have conversations about how to deal with these issues and other "life" things. All-in-all, though, he loved his job, and when I might his bosses in a social setting, they had nothing but great things to say about my son. Last month, however, his boss called him in for a conversation about the job and let him go.

My son called me afterwards, and much like the way things were before, he was highly agitated, making wild threatening statements, etc., etc... .After I calmed him down and listened to him for a while, we were able to talk a little more. His explanation wasn't very clear, but something along the lines that they were planning to adjust his working situation. I told him that some of the key things his boss said would indicate that he was being let go. When asked point blank, he said that no, he was going to still work there for another month or so. He called me the next day after going in, and in fact, he had been let go.

His job provided him a 1 month's severance package, and his plan is to find a new job. However, before he began working to find a new job, he went on a 3 day weekend trip with friends, which included some of the activities that got him in trouble before he moved out. He was in a bad situation that resulted in my driving 5 hours to help him out (there was no arguing or lecturing on the ride home - I just wanted to help him get back on track and focus on getting a new job).

This happened last week... .and today, he still has not finished updating his CV or searched out jobs. I had spoken with him a couple times last week to see where he was in his job hunt, and the first call resulted in him getting an attitude with me right off the bat. I was very careful to ask about his progress -- intentionally checking any frustration at the door. He later apologized and said he was working on it.

That pretty much nutshells things up to today.

****

I apologize if it is bad form to dump a bunch of stuff out in what was intended as an introduction... .I can get a little "chatty" sometimes... .

Many of my discussions with family and trusted friends at some point or another migrate to conversations about my son. I have received advice ranging from "do whatever it takes to get your child into therapy (including bribery!)" to "he just needs some tough love - let him fail." I have tried these and so many other approaches. My biggest fear is that he will find himself in a downward spiral that will end up on the streets, in jail, or worse.

A new recommendation (or at least one I hadn't thought of) was that I look for a support group for parents of children with BPD, and so here I am!

I am looking to find others who may have fought these same battles that may be able to help me with my son... .I am also available to share my own experiences in hopes that they may help someone else.

Thanks for reading,

J

[alexj]

Hello,

I am not sure the best way to introduce myself.

I'm here because my 20 year old son suffers from BPD, and I have been struggling quite a bit to help him establish himself. We have a good but strained relationship, although I am concerned that he isn't taking steps to stay healthy... .specifically, he avoids going to therapy (sometimes he accepts the premise and acknowledges he needs help -- other times he says that he doesn't need it, and therapists are just in it to get paid).

His health is also compromised in that he has a congenital spinal condition that required major surgery a few years ago. He still suffers from symptoms of his condition (mostly pain). He second-guesses the advice of his doctors, and he has been very lackadaisical about following doctor's prescription of going to physical therapy. There have been several issues addressed by the doctor in person that my son completely glosses over (for example, the doctor explained ramifications of a particular procedure, and my son had no recollection of that part of the discussion).

A couple years ago, my son had gotten into a little trouble and was doing things that were detrimental to his mental health, and as we have a younger child in our home, we no longer allowed him to live with us. We had discussed his moving out, and it was approached by all as a positive change.

About 7 months passed and he lost his job. He didn't look for another job (I assume he thought that something would fall in his lap), and had just received eviction papers a month later. I don't know what he did for the month after he lost his job, although the times I spoke with him, he would tell me that he was planning to fill out an application that day or the next day.

I have a friend who lives in a different city that offered to let my son come and live with him for a few months. In that time, my friend worked with my son to focus on studying computer programming, and he helped my son put together a plan to get an internship or job. After their time together, my son landed a fantastic job, was able to move in with a roommate.

Over the last year, my son had a few run-ins with his boss, and we would have conversations about how to deal with these issues and other "life" things. All-in-all, though, he loved his job, and when I might his bosses in a social setting, they had nothing but great things to say about my son. Last month, however, his boss called him in for a conversation about the job and let him go.

My son called me afterwards, and much like the way things were before, he was highly agitated, making wild threatening statements, etc., etc... .After I calmed him down and listened to him for a while, we were able to talk a little more. His explanation wasn't very clear, but something along the lines that they were planning to adjust his working situation. I told him that some of the key things his boss said would indicate that he was being let go. When asked point blank, he said that no, he was going to still work there for another month or so. He called me the next day after going in, and in fact, he had been let go.

His job provided him a 1 month's severance package, and his plan is to find a new job. However, before he began working to find a new job, he went on a 3 day weekend trip with friends, which included some of the activities that got him in trouble before he moved out. He was in a bad situation that resulted in my driving 5 hours to help him out (there was no arguing or lecturing on the ride home - I just wanted to help him get back on track and focus on getting a new job).

This happened last week... .and today, he still has not finished updating his CV or searched out jobs. I had spoken with him a couple times last week to see where he was in his job hunt, and the first call resulted in him getting an attitude with me right off the bat. I was very careful to ask about his progress -- intentionally checking any frustration at the door. He later apologized and said he was working on it.

That pretty much nutshells things up to today.

****

I apologize if it is bad form to dump a bunch of stuff out in what was intended as an introduction... .I can get a little "chatty" sometimes... .

Many of my discussions with family and trusted friends at some point or another migrate to conversations about my son. I have received advice ranging from "do whatever it takes to get your child into therapy (including bribery!)" to "he just needs some tough love - let him fail." I have tried these and so many other approaches. My biggest fear is that he will find himself in a downward spiral that will end up on the streets, in jail, or worse.

A new recommendation (or at least one I hadn't thought of) was that I look for a support group for parents of children with BPD, and so here I am!

I am looking to find others who may have fought these same battles that may be able to help me with my son... .I am also available to share my own experiences in hopes that they may help someone else.

Thanks for reading,

J

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

H alexj,



 I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I would find it disappointing, sad and frustrating if a loved one was struggling with finding and keeping a job. Don't worry about being chatty. Many of us arrive here with a lot to get off of our chests, it helps to talk to a support group with people that can relate with you. I'm glad that you decided to join us.

I told him that some of the key things his boss said would indicate that he was being let go. When asked point blank, he said that no, he was going to still work there for another month or so. He called me the next day after going in, and in fact, he had been let go.

He liked his job as you said in your introduction post that's probably why he went back in. What type of therapy was he taking? Was he doing CBT? CBT is like a recipe cookbook for your emotions and it would give him scoping skills when he feels upset, anxious, depressed. A pwBPD have low self worth, low self esteem and feel more negative feelings than positive ones. A pwBPD need a lot of validation and your S20 is likely feeling a lot stress from losing his jobs and making ends meet and your son may need extra validation.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

[Lollypop]

Hi there Alexj

Welcome.

I've been on this forum since last December and have found it to be a life changer for myself and family.

I knew very little about BPD, my BPDs25 was dx sept 15 in the USA. We live in the UK. This diagnosis was following a crisis and he took himself to hospital.

I can see a lot of similarities. I have a younger son and BPDs chose to leave rather than give up drugs. I see drug abuse as a regular theme on the forum. I assume that what's you were implying but forgive me if I got that wrong.

It's wonderful that your son was able to find something that he enjoys and he managed to hold this job down for a while. My BPDs doesn't function well enough for a steady job but he can manage to work casually. However, financial management skills are practically zero and this is what we're currently working on to get him to live independently.

When I first arrived here I found it really useful to read as much as i could using the top right hand bars on this page. I watched videos, read books and continue to do so. To be honest, it can be quite overwhelming as there seemed to be so much to learn.  Once I better understood my sons problems I really understood I needed to get to work on learning the skills i would need so that I could better support him. I'm trying to become the parent he needs, not the one I thought I should be. I've accepted that our lives won't be what I'd hoped for or expected.

Knowledge of BPD really helped me. I then started to practise validation skills and getting my BPDs stable. Improving communication was a key early goal for me. Our relationship has continued to improve as I do not react anymore and he now trusts me enough to truly share what's going on.

I totally understand the "advice" you've been given so far. Again, very similar to me: our family doctor basically refused to refer my BPDs for a mental health assessment and told me "it's time for tough love". I don't take advice off anybody "outside" as they really don't understand.

Please post often, write as much or as little as you desire. Nobody here will judge you and it's a safe place to vent, even if it may be over something very trivial at the time. I ask for advice or guidance when I need it, very often it's just for reassurance. I can take the advice or not, I choose to find my own way forward that I feel comfortable with.  Ive discovered that there's a process that we all share here as we move from grief to acceptance. We are all growing and changing so that we can have a better relationship with our sons and daughters.

My BPDs is a quiet BPD in that he internalises. He suffers from low self esteem, anxieties to the point that's he stutters, he finds it challenging to process more than one thing at a time, has racing thoughts, he has lots of fears and obsessions.

Encouraging treatment, insisting on treatment? I've found different viewpoints on the forum. My view is that my BPDs needs to be committed and be responsible for himself. It takes a lot of hard work and I wait patiently and hope that one day he'll seek help for himself.

My BPDs currently lives at home with us. We've found a way to move forwards together. It's not easy, but steady progress is being made.

whats your main priority at this current time?

[alexj]

@Mutt,

Thank you for the warm welcome!

In response to your post... .
Agreed - I do think he liked his job, and this was a big motivator for him, but his "stated" reason for going in because he thought he still had a job. I cited that as an example of how he sometimes misses cues in communication because (it seems) he has another internal dialog that doesn't match with reality - similar to what happened in consultation with his doctors discussing treatment options. In the same vein, he was especially angry because his boss called him into the meeting room to "review the whiteboard," but the boss was actually calling him in to discuss his job performance - it took 15 minutes to calm my BPDs20 to accept that his boss may have felt awkward or uncomfortable discussing the issue out in the open, and that doesn't mean that his boss is a liar.

Regarding his therapy / history: He visited a behavioral specialist who was working with him to help resolve some of the anger and "acting out" episodes. She did not "diagnose" him, but listed indications, chief of which was BPD (additionally there was externalization of locus of control, and self-harm). He only stayed with her for a few months, as he started the downward spiral I mentioned before, and we decided to involve the courts to get him into a treatment program for teens. He saw another therapist there, but the focus on those sessions were specifically directed toward addiction and rehabilitation.

After rehab, he met with a different therapist who specialized in DBT and Mindfulness, and of all the treatments he has received so far, these approaches have seemed to had the greatest effect. Most of the time, he is much less confrontational and thoughtful in his interactions compared to how things were prior to therapy.

... .also, I appreciate the link on Communication skills, and read through a few articles and watched the video - thanks for that! There is a lot of good information there --- a lot of confirmation as well. (I especially liked the simple explanation of the "thermostat wars" as a way to understand validation and invalidation).

***
@Lollypop

Thank you, also, for the greeting and information you shared. I feel much better about "dumping" so much out there at once!

I'm sorry that you are fighting the same battles with your own child - I know from what my BPDs20 went through with rehab and therapy, that drugs are especially destructive for children who can't see a way out. I had hoped the time in rehab would help, as well as moving to another state, but recent events have shown that he still has work to do.

I tend to agree with your statement:

My view is that my BPDs needs to be committed and be responsible for himself. It takes a lot of hard work and I wait patiently and hope that one day he'll seek help for himself.

This has been my approach, although I have actively suggested that he continue therapy when I feel he's receptive - he hasn't yet followed through.

I have a friend who has a very successful business employing 50 or so employees who told me about his own experiences. In his late teens / early twenties, he got into a lot of trouble with drugs... .run ins with the legal system... .family breakdowns... .the whole nine yards. There wasn't any mention of specific diagnoses. He said what eventually helped him out was, "my father never gave up on me." Those were his exact words. Through it all - his father was always there to support him and help him through whatever troubles he got into. I have held on to that sentiment through some of the worst moments I could *never* imagine.

Ultimately, I believe in "amor omnia vincit," (Love conquers all), and I also believe in the idea of ":)um spiro spero" (While I breath, I hope) --- yes, I am a bit of a Latin nerd --- anyway... .these are core beliefs, and when I find myself all alone in the darkest place in working with my child, these concepts brings me comfort - just reminding myself what I stand for and what I believe fuels my desire to take positive (and actively validating) steps.

Thanks again for your positive words of encouragement, and thank you bpdfamily.com for making this forum available to parents like me.

[alexj]

@Lollypop

I just realized that I forgot to answer your last question!

My main priority is to see my son healthy (in body AND mind), happy, and independent.

[Lollypop]

Hi alexj

You're doing great. I love Dum spiro spero.  While I breathe, I hope.

Thank you

I reached a point in my life that I realised I mattered.  Actually, this was a turning point for me, it's not all about BPD. We have our own lives. I went back to college and start my degree in September, I totally understand that this isn't possible for everyone but I feel it's very very important to show s d demonstrate to our kids how to live a good life, this means putting ourselves first, selfish as it may seem.

Well done, I've learnt a lot from your post. Thank you

L

[Lollypop]

It's a good priority, hopefully he'll want the same for himself. 

Big hugs. Keep on posting and learning. Question is all often

L

[Skye1947]

Welcome.  I too am new and have found these boards quite helpful.  I find that not reacting works.  It is hard for me to do but I am learning.  I am determined to overcome all this stress this disease has brought on me and am on my way.  It sounds like you are too.  I personally found therapy helped for me but not for my daughters.  They only used it as a sounding board to demonize me. I have also found that waiting 5 minutes often their mood will pass, distraction works wonders.

[alexj]

A quick update on my BPDs20... .he found a temporary job to hold himself over until he gets his CV updated and finds a "real" job (he is a web designer / programmer). Additionally, the job will give him more exposure to different people and personalities (he's working in retail).

While I believe he could have handled things a little better, I am proud of him for stepping up for himself.

It is difficult with him being in another city, but when we set him up to make the move, my hope was that it would be a big step for him toward independence. I know every circumstance is different, but because I had a friend that would take him in, I think it gave him a lot of perspective, and ultimately encouraged his self-determination to make it on his own.

I continue to make myself available to him, and as circumstances come up, help him navigate his emotions and frustrations... .hoping that his experiences and my counsel can guide him into a place where he desires therapy.

... .actively trying to give him space... .passively watching and supporting... .

[alexj]

@Skye1947

"Not Reacting" is *really* hard! I have tried approaching my son's episodes kind of like dealing with a my Mom's barking dog. She barks her head off at random times (when the wind blows, etc.) - so you never know when she'll get going. Anyway, it is a really loud bark, and it used to make me jump and then yell her name to get her to calm down. I actively practice "not jumping" (sounds weird, I know), but when she starts going off, I imagine the chaos as an ocean wave. Before I identified the wave, it would basically crash on the beach (causing me to jump)... .now that I've "identified" it, I try to let the wave lift me up and lower me down as it passes (kind of like if you swam out past the breakers and floated in the ocean). Breathing through the wave helps a lot... .and gives me the patience to call her over and diffuse the moment.

I never thought about this in terms of time, but the 5 minute trick sound like a good technique... .that's a good tool to have in the toolbox (I am a little over the top with my analogies, I guess  ).

It is much harder with my son -- he knows exactly how to push my buttons and get me going... .but by letting the wave roll by, I am able to take the necessary moment I need to redirect the focus of the conversation.

And as far as demonizing goes... .before we knew what was going on with my son (before we understood BPD, etc.), he was doing some really bad stuff in our home (bringing things in that shouldn't be there, etc.). We spoke with some local police that were really cool, and they came over to have a conversation with him - not take him away or anything like that, but just try to let him know what kind of road he was going down. We talk to the cops after their discussion, and our son had basically said that we were over exaggerating, we didn't really find anything, and a whole bunch of bs like that. He was really calm and convincing (something we had dealt with quite a bit)... .and tried turning the conversation to indicate that we were clueless.

Needless to say, we were really irritated, but hopeful that some of the message made it through his defenses.

Thanks for your comment and support!