First session with new therapist today, best day in several months

[Mr Orange]

So today I had my first session with a LPC I researched online who is familiar with mood disorders, personality disorders, anxiety, childhood trauma, sex abuse, and marital problems. For those who don't know, I've been separated from my wife for about 5 months now. We went to a marriage counselor through our church earlier in our marriage and it was no help. Then in February after the separation, I did individual counseling with another Christian counselor. It was an even worse experience. My wife has refused to change or get help for herself, so all I can do is work on me. I was so excited when I found this therapist because while she shares my Christian beliefs, she does not practice "biblical counseling", but rather traditional talk therapy, CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and other approaches.

Today's first session was SUCH a breath of fresh air. Finally, someone listening to me and helping me process my emotions, validating the pain I've been through, and not just saying "Well, you're depressed because you are too inwardly focused and not appreciating the blessings from God". Oh man, it was so helpful. I spent a lot of time explaining the history of our 2 year marriage from hell. I told her I had come across BPD at some point, and the more I read, the more it fit. She said while she would never diagnose a person without a number of sessions with the individual, it did sound in fact like she exhibits a large number of BPD traits; at the very least somewhere in the Axis II world.

Having a professional clinician hear all of these experiences and validate that yes, it is very possible you have been living with a mentally ill person for the past couple of years, and given the circumstances you did nothing wrong by separating. She also said that my standing firm on not getting back together with my wife unless she also is willing to go to therapy was not only reasonable, but demonstrated that I can establish healthy boundaries. She was very realistic about the dismal odds that my wife will actually choose to engage in therapy and stick with it. According to T even if she does do intensive therapy it will likely be a good bit before my wife would get much better.

Anyway, this is the most positive I've felt in months and while I'm still very much hurt and dealing with all of the pain and negative emotions, I finally feel like I'm on the path toward healing, even if it's on the distant horizon. Hopefully this can be an encouragement to others that even if your pwBPD refuses to seek treatment, there is help out there for you. You just have to be patient and find the right therapist.

Cheers,
Orange

[NewTring]

Am I correct to say you feel good that a professional says it's not your fault?  

If so that's how I was.  Before my first session with the therapist, I was baffled and lost.  When I told my ex she could have BPD, she went into a rage and blamed me for treating her like crap calling her crazy.

I think the key is our BPD (or have traits of BPD) exes blame us when it's them that should be blamed.  It's enlightening when we realize the root cause of the failed relationship is not us, it's them.

[purekalm]

Mr. Orange,

Congratulations Mr. Orange for finding one of the rare ones who can give sound advice from a biblical perspective! It does feel great to be validated. I had also tried different "counselors" in the church or even pastor's themselves who were untrained and accomplished nothing. Their hearts may be in the right place, but they also need the education to be effective when it comes to situations like ours. One even put words in my mouth to accuse my husband of making me live in fear and I all but laughed at her and said "I'm not afraid of him". To which she tried to say that in some form I am and I cut her off again to tell her I've never been afraid of him, I'm just tired of all his crap. The look on her face... .She didn't know how to deal with me and that was consequently the only time we spoke. Healing on the horizon is better than no hope in sight. One small step at a time I've learned. =)

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[HoneyB33]

That's really exciting Mr. Orange. I'm really glad that you're getting that validation from a professional.

[Mr Orange]

Thanks for all the well wishes guys. It really has been a godsend.

I think what I've accepted as far my own personal opinion on Christian/Biblical counseling is that it can be helpful if it's simply a matter of your garden variety relationship or marriage issues. In other words, learning how to communicate better, not seeing eye to eye on finances, things like that. But Christian counseling is working from the presupposition that *BOTH* partners are well adjusted, able to take responsibility for their side of things, and are willing to actively work on the issues. When this is not the case, as with BPD or other volatile relationships that may involve very deep rooted issues, Christian counselors do not seem to be equipped to help. I would actually suggest that in many cases, they could do more harm.

Purekalm, as you mentioned, I agree that they just don't have the education in the incredibly complicated field of psychiatry to handle something as complex as a mood or personality disorder. Again, I want to be clear that this is just my personal opinion. I'm sure there are others out there who feel very differently than I.

Orange

[HoneyB33]

But Christian counseling is working from the presupposition that *BOTH* partners are well adjusted, able to take responsibility for their side of things, and are willing to actively work on the issues.

I would actually suggest that in many cases, they could do more harm.

Yes, as someone wrote on here before, you reach a serious problem when you try to counsel TWO people for ONE person's problem. And I 100% agree with you. When that is not recognized, serious harm is done. I can't even begin to recount all the things that were put on me because of other people's issues. It drove their abuse more and more into me, and gave them more and more permission to be abusive. Horribly damaging.