The withdrawals have started

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This is day 8 of NC.  I haven't heard from him and I haven't reached out to him.

I had been feeling quite strong this time round, but when I woke up this morning I had such a sense of sadness and loss.  I have been missing him today and getting cravings to hear from him.

I think I also just miss the feeling of being loved by him, even though it wasn't healthy love, the good times were good and his hugs were the best I've ever received.

I know this is part of the healing, and I need to stay NC because to go back would be, eventually, even more painful than how I'm feeling right now.

[DreamerGirl]

This is day 8 of NC.  I haven't heard from him and I haven't reached out to him.

I had been feeling quite strong this time round, but when I woke up this morning I had such a sense of sadness and loss.  I have been missing him today and getting cravings to hear from him.

I think I also just miss the feeling of being loved by him, even though it wasn't healthy love, the good times were good and his hugs were the best I've ever received.

I know this is part of the healing, and I need to stay NC because to go back would be, eventually, even more painful than how I'm feeling right now.

[gotbushels]

Hi DreamerGirl

Feeling strong and waking up feeling not strong happened to me too. A friend in a non BP divorce also had this happen, before the divorce. She described the sensation to be waking up not knowing with whom she shared the bed with.

I missed the good feeling too, knowing that it wasn't healthy love. I guess I had the questionable "benefit" of objects getting thrown at me so it was more "real"  I got hugs and kicks too.

I think you're right, this is part of healing.

Something that helped me was remembering the times when I had to caretake in an unpleasant way. Thinking of things that were simply unreciprocated. Part of what some nons seem to do is collect and focus on the good--as though trying to will it into existence. Like some magic spell. "Love conquers all" so maybe I can focus my magic powers on that. Maybe I was alone and ignorant like that   I didn't think of it in such fantastic terms but that's in-effect what I was doing.

If you are ready, now might be a good time to slowly remember the not-so-good.  For me, they were abundant--fantastically available to be plucked like grapes from a vine. One of the few times in life where I'm feeling okay seeking out sour grapes.

I hope you're feeling better:)

[woundedPhoenix]

Hey dreamerGirl... .

It's been the cycle with me throughout the past months. Every morning i still wake up, feeling worse then when i went to bed. I have days that are actually quite good now, but the mornings are still a drag... .

And it's partially the emotional withdrawal, it's also partially biological it seems.

I have been going through almost a year of extreme stresses because of how everything escalated towards the end, and according to my Therapist, it could very well be that the whole stress hormone system is still trying to find it's balance again. I also have trouble concentrating sometimes, and in extreme stress moments my mind just blanks out.

And when you feel like this, ofcourse you automatically draw the conclusion of what's missing. These moments of being loved, the moments that it all seemed perfect.

Yet... .Your body and emotions are in this state because it wasn't perfect at all. It was rightout bad and unhealthy most of the time.

gotbushels made a good point. That you need to slowly remember what was not-so-good. Cause that's the real reason you feel so extremely bad.

[seenr]

Hi DreamerGirl

It goes in waves. I am NC for two months now. I went to a social event last night and felt awful at it. This morning I just want to cry but can't.

The other replies have been good. I find myself thinking about hugging her etc but not about having a child's toy broken over me, a cutlery item thrown at me and broken over my head or my phone taken and smashed into pieces.

I know how you feel, but maybe this feeling is natural and just takes time to pass.

[ICantFixHer]

Something that helped me was remembering the times when I had to caretake in an unpleasant way.

I'd forgotten about this aspect of my former BPD interaction; the skunk would often get so drunk she'd fall in the bathtub or in the backyard and I'd have to drag her inside and try to get her in bed.

I used to love those moments following her passing out in bed. I could relax -- the skunk was sleeping.

I remember one time skunk was really drunk, I was sitting on a swinging bench in the backyard. She kept trying to pull me up and off the swing saying, "Come on, hit me like a man, you p*ssy. Come on, act like a man, HIT ME."

Her grip on my t-shirt slipped and she fell backwards right on her bum.

She was so pathetic. All she had to do was answer my reasonable questions about her cheating. Instead I guess skunk figures all the arrests and fights are easier than telling someone the truth.

Hang in there. Withdrawals will end. Think of the absolute CRAP your ex has put you through. You are better than that and you've gotten out.

Please, for your own safety, stay out. These things almost never end well.

[Hopefulgirl]

Going through the same thing DreamerGirl. Just trying to not text him right now. For me,that awful fear where you're actually hoping that he communicates with you somehow ,I'm fearing that I'll never hear from him again. I miss him basically every day. The people who make you feel the best you've ever felt have the power to make you feel the worst you've ever felt.
 So many people on this forum seem to keep wishing that their BPD ex won't contact them them anymore just leave them alone, somehow I feel bad that I'm the opposite

[kc sunshine]

I'm on day 8 nc too and man is it hard. I think deep down I hoped she would contact me but she is not.

[woundedPhoenix]

So many people on this forum seem to keep wishing that their BPD ex won't contact them them anymore just leave them alone, somehow I feel bad that I'm the opposite

If the initial version would contact me back i would have no trouble, problem is that it's only the version that i got to know towards the end that's real... .

[seenr]

Being 100% honest I'd love my ex to try to reconcile. At least then I could ask if she will change on the boundaries I have in my mind. I certainly will not be breaking NC but I miss her.

But I do know (a) she will only try to reconcile after a long time apart & (b) only will do so as long as she thinks I am desperate for something she offers (family life) so for now I am stepping back as it hasn't worked until now, she blames me 100% for the relationship failure and she needs to explore if she and her daughter are still happy now that I am gone. I suspect she will see there are still problems when I am not around but that may not mean she tries to reconcile.

And if it hasn't worked after this many years it probably never will. So that's why I am not contacting her.

[uniquename]

DreamerGirl I think it's great you know the pain with him would be worse than NC. My H and I have just agreed to limited contact and it's really hard. Separation is hard period. Find something to do that you enjoy and take your mind off it. Exercise, meditation, etc.

[DreamerGirl]

I feel a lot of comfort being here, surrounded by around others who are feeling the same way as I am, or who have been through this, and have survived and found that they can be happy without them.  I can't wait for that, to be able to look back on this as a memory, without the pain of longing for him and missing  him attached to it.

I've had my weak moments where I am feeling so sad that I haven't yet heard from him, although I am determined not to respond if I do, but I would like for him to reach out, so at least I know that he cared.  That wishing has caused me to feel upset over the last day or two, but there's a little voice inside of me that keeps reminding me of the pain he has inflicted on me and that I now have a real chance of being free. 

Being with him I was always feeling confused and now, without him, I'm just as confused. 

I have been practicing meditation and positive thoughts daily, and caring for myself.  I won't be going back into the fire.

Another day over, another day stronger.  Day 10. 

[kc sunshine]

You describe my feelings exactly, dreamer girl. Great job at day 10. I'm at day 9.

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks kc sunshine. 

I can't wait until I feel like I am not white knuckling to get through this. 

I swing between hope and devastation, from hour to hour.  I find myself at times imagining being with him again, then when I realize I can't, I really can't go back, it crushes me and I feel so sad.

I wish this wasn't so hard.  I am definitely trauma bonded and I know this is going to take time for me to start to see clearly.

Another day ahead, trying not to count the days, although I am still.  I still wish to hear from him as well.  Even though I know I won't respond, I just wish for that little bit of contact.

[kc sunshine]

I heard from mine yesterday-- wanting to return my key. My reaction was such an intense physical one-- my gut tightened, etc. I've been interpreting that physical feeling as love/intensity but maybe it is trauma bonding!

[DreamerGirl]

 kc sunshine we are trauma bonded, without doubt.

I have been battling so many emotions, up and down.  At times I feel strong and determined.  The tiny bit of pride I have left is what is keeping me from reaching out.  I will never, reach out to him again.

I want to hear from him.  But that is partly my ego and another part that needs to know that he really did love and care for me, that what we shared was real.

I may never get his, I am trying hard to work this out.  To find the place within me that is ok to never get the closure, or the understanding of why, of what happened.  We went downhill so fast, my head is still spinning.  I have no idea what I did wrong.

I'm trying every single day to be ok with that.  It's hard, very hard.

[atomic popsicles]

Dreamer girl,

I have been feeling the same way. I'm starting to think about the bad stuff... .which may be worse as I process this and have to unpack why I didn't end this. I used to cry and say "What did I do wrong?" and I got to the point where I would say "I don't want to be in trouble." Now from my point of view for me to act like THAT in a relationship... .there was some bad stuff for me to get there.

I'm a 45 year old woman with a PhD.- I'm pretty smart and logical and I acted like that? What on EARTH!  And he started to hate that needy person that he helped create through manipulation once he knew my personality and my childhood issues. So this is my point (I do have one, !): I am no longer trying to find out what I did "wrong" or "bad". Mine even somehow - in both of our minds in the past 5 weeks-  has changed the narrative to "he needed to leave the house to think." I told him I'd be back with the police and I got a restraining order! He needed to leave my house to avoid jail or involuntary commitment!

I will never have closure, and I have been chasing it for 5 weeks. I have hurt more than I ever believed possible. But I am NOT going to help him create a narrative in my head because I've internalized how he thinks and reacts... .especially a narrative in which I did something wrong. I am sure you did the best you could. I think searching for understanding of our own thoughts and actions will take us much farther than trying to figure out what we did wrong.

Now we all have to figure out how to not let this happen to and with us again. Just my $.02.  I am with you in trying every minute and every day to be ok with that. Sorry I wrote so much.

[gotbushels]

especially a narrative in which I did something wrong. I am sure you did the best you could. I think searching for understanding of our own thoughts and actions will take us much farther than trying to figure out what we did wrong.

I strongly agree. If you're battling yourself with judgments of right and wrong then it might put too much pressure on you actually assessing your behaviours fairly. Try to be confrontational with the fear you might feel here, if you dig you may often find that you weren't to "blame". Self-forgiveness and respecting that BPD is a relatively complex disorder can help you be gentler to yourself. In any case--positive or negative--you'll be better prepared for the future as atomic popsicles suggested.

Now we all have to figure out how to not let this happen to and with us again.

It's hard going through these things with fresh cuts. Try not to put it off too long. Be kind to yourself. 

[DreamerGirl]

Love your name atomic popsicles

I totally relate to you.  The feelings of neediness that he bought out in me, were off the scale, especially in the first two years, until I started to become numb to them.

I have since realized that anybody that brings those feelings out in me, is unhealthy for me.  That's good to know, although at this stage the logical side is still behind my heart.  

I don't think we can ever have the closure we deserve.  This is purely because they are unable to see that this relationship was a two way street. This is about only their feelings and what we did wrong to them.  It's a small comfort to realize they are doing this because they have an illness.  Sadly we got caught up in believing we could fix them and make them see how much we loved them and make everything ok for them.  I can see that I was doing that, without consciously being aware of it, I truly believed if I loved him enough, he would be the man I believed he could be.  It's heartbreaking when we realize that no matter how much we loved them or tip toed around them, we couldn't change them.

Yes our next challenge is to make sure we don't go down this same road with our next relationships.  That will be hard.  I am seeing that I actually need to do some work on myself.  I would like to attract a healthy man into my life next time.