Ex BPDgf flirting with co-workers in front of me

[Rayban]

I've been no contact with my exbdgf for 3 weeks. I work with her and within the last week, she is going out of her way to flirt with coworkers right in front of me.

I understand that she's my ex, and that she is free to do what she wants, and more importantly I shouldn't care given the he'll she has put me through, but it still gets to me. 

The other thing that bugs me,  is that the coworkers she flirts with, I consider to be people I'm close with. These are guys that knew I was dating her and worse these guys are married.

Today it almost looked staged. Like both had planned flirting to make me jealous.  I  feel betrayed by one Co worker in particular. I thought of him as a close friend. He works closely with her.  The minute I had my office door open, both appeared at the same time, moving out of my view  and I heard giggles flollowed by  ... oh stop it.

I understand her motivations, but what type of guy would participate in purposely make me upset? Obviously not a friend.

I did not react. I went about my business.  I don't understand why it upsets me. At one point I met eyes with her and even though I didn't say a thing, I'm sure she could tell I was upset.  How do I move from these foolish games?  Why would a co-worker I considered a friend do this to me? What's in it for him?

[JerryRG]

M A N I P U L A T I O N!

Mix in immaturity and lack of bounderies and the toxic mix of BPD can drive anyone crazy.

I feel for you, my exgf would do anything to get a reaction out of me, the secret to not letting this bother you is to be a fake like them, just pretend they don't exist.

Remember she's sick, I know it's painful and childish but that's what they do best.

My sponsor told me one time, "you have 2 choices, deal with her irrationality (we have a child) or buy a gun and end it, either way your going to pay a heavy price for getting involved with a nut"

Keep healing Rayban

[GreenEyedMonster]

I understand her motivations, but what type of guy would participate in purposely make me upset? Obviously not a friend.

I think this is the worst part of situations like this.  You know she's no good.  But she has to take down other parts of your life in flames on the way.  The result is that you end up feeling really isolated, like no one sees your pain, and it gives you the sense that no one supports your decision to stay away from this person.  It makes you feel like the crazy one, or at least that other people see you as the crazy one.

My ex has gotten several of my friends to participate in the mud fight, and if you've read my thread, you know that I recently had to cut off a lot of folks.

[rfriesen]

Just to echo some of the other responses, many of our exes seem to be master manipulators and part of what hurts so much in the aftermath of our break-ups, is how they seem to seduce others with their external charm and manipulation. Just when we feel we're starting to accept that our exes aren't capable of any lasting commitment and loyalty and we feel like we'll eventually be able to work through that, they will seemingly reveal the shallowness of certain other people in our lives, people we consider friends.

It reminds me of a huge red flag I ignored in the beginning of my relationship. My ex left her fiancé to be with me (well, there's red flag #1) and then wanted to be sure that her ex-fiancé's family still liked her. She would talk to them at softball games in her softball league and was so relieved when an uncle told her the family had no hard feelings and would be happy to see her anytime that she wanted to come by. Now, I realise that this, in itself, is not something terrible. It could even be the sign of someone trying not to burn bridges. So I don't want to make too big a deal of it ---- but I can only imagine it would be a tough pill for her ex-fiancé to swallow, watching her laughing and giggling and being her bubbly self while charming uncles and cousins (always the guys, as my ex would admit herself, she finds it much easier to charm men than women).

I feel for you, Rayban. We all do here. It's brutal to watch not only your ex, but others close to you, get swept up in her flirtations, to see how they all love the attention and will pretend it's perfectly innocent when really it's not too hard to see how your ex likes to push boundaries and craves excessive attention.

It hurts, but it sounds like you're doing all you can. I think there's very little to be gained, and a lot of time and sanity to be lost, in reacting to what she's doing. Just be kind to yourself -- accept that it hurts and it's perfectly normal for you to be hurt. Don't add to your pain by beating yourself up over it.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex left her fiancé to be with me (well, there's red flag #1) and then wanted to be sure that her ex-fiancé's family still liked her. She would talk to them at softball games in her softball league and was so relieved when an uncle told her the family had no hard feelings and would be happy to see her anytime that she wanted to come by.

Things like this drive me nuts when they happen to me.  At first when I read the post I thought she did this with your uncle.  It's the people on the periphery who can cause the most pain, in my opinion.  It is amazing how these people have the ability to make and keep connections and mask their crazy for everyone except us.

At a nadir in my recovery, I was betrayed by a pastor in my own church who decided I was insane after my ex persuaded him.  He was a good friend of my ex and promised me confidentiality when I spoke to him about what happened . . . but he lied.  My ex convinced him to break confidentiality because I was so dangerous.  That really hurt.  Now the pastor is just one in a list of many, many people who have chipped away at my faith in humanity.

The ability of a personality-disordered person to recruit people to his or her cause is truly astonishing.

[gotbushels]

Hi Rayban 

To contribute here--inciting discomfort and jealousy is sometimes used to get what a person wants (may be subconscious or habitual). It might help to look at it from a behaviours point of view.

It helps to have this perspective, and I don't intend to make your ex a guinea pig. Can you expect these behaviours from her? What do you think her intention is, regardless of what she has said in the past? What is the effect on you? I think here, it's important to see that you may have your responsibilities even after separating.

I understand her motivations, but what type of guy would participate in purposely make me upset? Obviously not a friend.

The type of guy that likes attention from a female.

How do I move from these foolish games? 

Manage yourself in your own time, like how you managed yourself to deal with dysregulation from your ex. Avoid being around her. Does anything else come to mind?   

Why would a co-worker I considered a friend do this to me? What's in it for him?

Many men like women and like attention from them. Sometimes these likings are considered primal, and the "higher level" functions of "socially acceptable behaviours" is not as primal. Empathy and appreciation of a fellow man's thoughts--when potential coitus is dangled in front of them--are sometimes the first casualties.

It might help to observe that sometimes this natural propulsion overrides friendships on a subconscious level. They may also see "getting along with" coworkers as healthy. They probably also don't know she has traits of a serious mental illness. They probably didn't go through the pain you did. I learned from my experience that most people will never understand.

[stimpy]

So from what I understand, personality disordered people and BPD/NPD especially often have a mix of the following characterisitics... .

- Attention seeking
- Emotional immaturity
- Manipulation
- Lack of Empathy
- Boundary busting
- Need to control

etc... .etc... .

My ex did pretty much the same as yours. Why? Well I doubt that she knows, it's like an instinct. So, in a sense I think I may understand some of her behaviour better than she does.

On my second date with my exuBPDgf, she told me, with some pride, that by the time she had divorced her husband of some thirty years ago, that he hated her so much that he refused to even say her name. A huge   and one that I didn't think about at the time, but do now, every once in a while.

Luckily, I am in my 50's. He would have been in his 20's. So I have enough life experience to work out that she has a personality disorder and that I was lucky things only lasted a few months. Oh and finding websites like this one