Don't want to go home. And that's the bottomline

[RichButPoor]

It has been a while since I posted here.

It's the end of the day on the US east coast. That familiar feeling is descending on me: I don't feel like going home. It's the same feeling for over 20 years, but got worse by the day. So, just felt like checking this board after nearly six months.

It is not a home. It is a jail. She is the warden and the only inmate. No visitors are allowed. When a friend or a family announce a visit (rarely, if ever), I am terrified of dealing with her stress. No man is an island, but my woman is. No friends except my own nuclear family.

Recently I dared to enter an argument and told her repeatedly: "I am sh*t scared of talking to you." Yet, the hits keep coming.

I want to be there to help her with her illness. But, the her rage and constant barrage of criticism leaves me bewildered, confused, angry and hopeless.

Talking to a therapist for a few months. It is helping me cope with the situation some. And, posting here is perhaps another outlet for venting.

Have a great evening all... .

Just venting... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi RichButPoor,

I hear you friend. I'm sorry I didn't see this until now, to walk with you and listen to what you're going through.
It's up there with the hardest thing ever to have a mentally ill spouse. As my T once said, there is not enough visible suffering to elicit sympathy, and so we are starved for support while we struggle through our pain and bewilderment alone.

I looked back at your posts and see that you are doubtful about whether BPD is a real diagnosis or not. I can understand that. I felt the same way. When the symptoms are an extreme extension of normal personality traits, it's hard to get on board with it being a legitimate deviation from normal human behavior.

The gods laughed at me, and sent a second, then a third person in my life who have BPD behaviors, traits, symptoms, whatever you want to call them. I ended up reading some of the evidence-based work to help people supporting loved ones with BPD and darn if the suggestions didn't make some difference. The hard part is getting over the indignation that I had to change up my game. After years of being so so so tired, it's can be hard to find the effort.

What is your wife like? Do you feel like you can set any self-protective boundaries, like going out and doing things that fill your cup?

[schwing]

It is not a home. It is a jail. She is the warden and the only inmate. No visitors are allowed. When a friend or a family announce a visit (rarely, if ever), I am terrified of dealing with her stress.

It is very stressful to live like this.  Don't underestimate the toll it takes on you.  Continuing with getting therapy as a means of gathering more support for you.  But also consider getting other forms of support.

A possible idea is to establish a home away from home?  Somewhere where you can actually unwind and have privacy and safety.