Widowed on Facebook

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDh changed his Facebook relationship status to widowed.

We agreed to limited once-a-week contact. He has yet to respect this but came very close last week. He called over 20 times yesterday, texted, emailed. Called again this morning. I haven't responded. (That's my boundary enforcement.) He wanted to know who was taking our 16D to an appointment later this week. (She has seen him only once in the 6 weeks we have been separated.) We had said he could contact me if it was a real emergency. I gave examples like someone is in the hospital. Anyway, I'm sure you don't need to know it was an inappropriate response as I can't think of what I could have done for it to be appropriate besides die.

So not looking forward to couples therapy Wednesday... .

[uniquename]

My uBPDh changed his Facebook relationship status to widowed.

We agreed to limited once-a-week contact. He has yet to respect this but came very close last week. He called over 20 times yesterday, texted, emailed. Called again this morning. I haven't responded. (That's my boundary enforcement.) He wanted to know who was taking our 16D to an appointment later this week. (She has seen him only once in the 6 weeks we have been separated.) We had said he could contact me if it was a real emergency. I gave examples like someone is in the hospital. Anyway, I'm sure you don't need to know it was an inappropriate response as I can't think of what I could have done for it to be appropriate besides die.

So not looking forward to couples therapy Wednesday... .

[Turkish]

It's obviously an extreme and immature response, not to mention angry.  Should it even be engaged?  Brought up in the session?

[uniquename]

I wasn't planning to ever mention it. I took a screenshot and added it to the documentation... .

[Hlinthewiking]

Sorry for asking, but what does the "u" stand for in uBPDh, I assume "h" stands for husband.

Sounds like my ex, kind of like "He's not answering me, must have died (sarcasm)", me ex even said to me several times about taking minutes to talk to her. Just watch out for retaliation... .My ex would find a way to punish me and the worse she felt, the harsher the punishment was, sometimes manipulative, sometimes verbal, sometimes physical and most times a combination of them.

[uniquename]

Sorry for asking, but what does the "u" stand for in uBPDh, I assume "h" stands for husband.

"u" stands for "undiagnosed" - it means he shows traits/behaviors of BPD but his medical professionals have not diagnosed him with it afaik. There's a "Glossary" button in the top bar that explains the abbreviations here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

And yes I am trying to prepare for the worst and hoping for the best. He's never been physical to me or 16D but has all the warning signs. Form flier has pushed me to get a "go bag" together but I haven't yet. I at least need to get documents copied and in a safe place. <sigh>

[uniquename]

He followed this up this morning with a FB status of "walked 8000 steps this morning already. At this pace I'll be dead by 3pm". I called his therapist and expressed concern. I also called his best friend and suggested he check in but to please not mention me. H updated the relationship status to "Its complicated". Sent me 3 emails how upset he was that I would think he was suicidal or call his therapist. Then he unfriended me. Relief.

[formflier]

It is pretty common to have relationship battles via Facebook.  You can't control anyone's part in this but yours.

Please consider if following him on FB is good for you or bad. 

How do you feel after reading his stuff?

FF

[HopefulDad]

As someone who started off getting hurt by the FB nonsense, but eventually learned to laugh at it, I have to say that your H claiming himself as widowed is funny in a roll-your-eyes kind of way.  Guy is a drama queen.  It sounds like you've reached that point with your "relief" comment after he unfriended you.

Coming up with healthy communication regarding co-parenting is tough early on, but hopefully gets smoothed out over time.  It did in my case.  Ideally, you get to a point where it's clear that whoever has custody of D16 during a particular time is responsible for taking her to appointments so no communication is needed.  Short of that, you get to a point where he texts you once regarding who takes D16 to an appointment and you text back a simple "you" or "me" without getting into "why are you asking?" or "why aren't you answering?" arguments.  Texting/calling 20 times is not good.

Good luck.

[formflier]

 Guy is a drama queen.

So... .knowing this, part of your big picture strategy is to not "feed" his desire for drama.

Eventually, he may tire of trying to drag you into the drama and his search for drama may lessen... .or he may look for relief for that in other places.

Either way... your only concern is to not participate.

How does this knowledge of his drama tendencies change your plans on how to "deal" with him?

FF

[uniquename]

It's interesting. It's humorous to some of you but was terrifying to me. The "at this pace I'll be dead" comment was obviously meant as a joke and at the same time not taken as funny at all to me, who is only 6 weeks from the terror of talking him out of cutting himself. I think I need to get to the funny. When I told my T about it, she said I handled it fine but also that she thinks it's all a pathetic cry for attention. I know this in my head but the risk that it might not be is also strong. I need to step out of the caretaker role and let go.