NC struggles

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I hate how sometimes I feel so positive and on a good track in recovery and then times like now I feel like I've hit rock bottom again. Almost the same feeling you'd get breaking NC and getting radio silence, yet I haven't broken it.
Why does it have to be so up and down?  
I just wish it would go away already.

[Puzzledpieces]

I hate how sometimes I feel so positive and on a good track in recovery and then times like now I feel like I've hit rock bottom again. Almost the same feeling you'd get breaking NC and getting radio silence, yet I haven't broken it.
Why does it have to be so up and down?  
I just wish it would go away already.

[joeramabeme]

I just wish it would go away already.

The best analogy I have is an icicle melting; It will happen, but slowly.

Hang in man Going NC is not easy but it does slowly get better... .

[Zinnia21]

Puzzledpieces I'm in the same boat! I haven't broken it, but am more afraid of that silence than anything! I'm only a week and a half in, feels like a month, why does time slow down right about now? I've been here a few times before though.
You're right, it's pretty similar to if you do break NC, ie- painful silence either way.

Do you sometimes let your imagination wander and trick you into thinking you should lift the block in case he's trying to say something nice? I must admit that I do... even though he will be disconnected right now, and I know I should move on... .So hard to stop daydreaming, and let myself disconnect. I don't want to hear his awful silence, and NC protects me from that above everything! If that makes any sense... ?

[Puzzledpieces]

Puzzledpieces I'm in the same boat! I haven't broken it, but am more afraid of that silence than anything! I'm only a week and a half in, feels like a month, why does time slow down right about now? I've been here a few times before though.
You're right, it's pretty similar to if you do break NC, ie- painful silence either way.

Do you sometimes let your imagination wander and trick you into thinking you should lift the block in case he's trying to say something nice? I must admit that I do... even though he will be disconnected right now, and I know I should move on... .So hard to stop daydreaming, and let myself disconnect. I don't want to hear his awful silence, and NC protects me from that above everything! If that makes any sense... ?

I definitely do that too, I trick myself into thinking that maybe he hasn't spoken to me because I haven't spoken to him (he's said this before after silent treatments but I know its just his way of throwing the blame on me)i even get to that point where I feel pity for him and want to reach out and tell him everything I feel (again something I have done before via email and it went unanswered) I know nothing I do will ever better this situation and it's best for me to stay NC. I just hate that I have amazing moments where I feel amazing and I'm healing and then other times it makes me angry and depressed and I just wanna hibernate. I hate the lows.  And I should hate him.  I'm going on 5 weeks NC. I haven't done what I'm supposed to though and block all avenues, I figured he wouldn't initiate convo and he hasn't, I think that's maybe another reason I struggle because I actually know he hasn't tried to. It's hard to feel like someone views you as garbage when you've been anything but.

[Zinnia21]

Yes, that's literally the worst part. Feeling so discarded! I hear you. I think my ex knows how much damage he's done and feels he can't come back from that, even though I offered him the chance a lot! Was so patient. It's like they trap themselves in a cycle of their own bad behaviour, and trap us too. And the only release from it all is to run away from the monster they've created. I think that's more what they're doing than running from us. I think... ? But it feels so cold, and you long for an explanation or something good from them... .But I've finally learnt I won't get what I want from him, hence the total blocking.
Hard to stick to that though!
I know those hibernation lows you speak of. I feel I've spent the last 2 years in and out of them due to his crazy breakups. At least if we make it through this time, all the way to the other side, we can get out of that terrible place for good. I can't imagine that day right now, but it must exist... .

[Puzzledpieces]

I think they run from it too, with a fear of confrontation. 
How did your RS end? Mine ended with ST. I had even questioned it a bit after it started and I was told to stop being "a girl" and reading into it. Blame thrown on me right there. It's been radio silence since.
I'm back at an angry stage right now in this moment, it's far better than being sad I suppose.

[Zinnia21]

Yes angry is better in some ways. I wish it would stop crashing back into sad!
It's break up #4 over here. All created by him. All a bit different. But pretty much always a build up in his mind that I'm hiding some "truth" from him... ? and he doesn't like MY conduct, and he acts the victim of some crime I didn't commit, creates an explosive illogical scenario, then exits stage left! Then silence and due punishment for said uncommitted crimes... .
First time, I was so shocked! Accusations then silence for 3 weeks. Got back together. Second time, a text message that I was a liar, then silence for 3 months. I wrote so many letters, they went unanswered.  Third time, he took a little responsibility for his madness but still half blaming. Another 3 months of cold disconnect. Fourth time (now), as the accusations rose, I told him to leave, sent him a final message calling him out on it all, blocked his number.
I'm very well versed in BPD ST. But it never gets much easier, I need to get away now. I have no idea what he's said in response. I used to hang on to every response. I guess it's either a crazy hurtful thing, a neutral sorry thing, or silence. I have to remember none of them are worth unblocking the phone for
Unless they want to seek help for their issues, this cycle goes on and on. In the past I've received 'closure' from him, in the form of an OK verbal exchange, after a month or two. But even that hurts, as I well up with hope due to the compassion I feel in such an exchange. And I miss him and want to shake him, make him remember the love... .! Finally he does down the track, and so it goes... .But not this time. It's hard though.
Is this your first breakup with him?

[married21years]

hey 9 months NC and it does get better

recently got drawn in to discuss divorce

but stood my ground and didnt take any abuse

infact doled it out 

it gets easier as you get stronger

we all need to work on ourselves not others for our wants and desires

this is the key to our happiness

happiness of others is not our responsibility, nor should it be our elixir

 

[kc sunshine]

Yes, I totally agree on the doing good for a while and then plunging back down. For me, it's been about seven weeks post-break up, and four weeks NC.

Here's what this last month has been like: I'm doing okay, and then she contacts me in some way. I reply briefly and go back to NC but go down the rabbit hole of checking her and my replacement's facebook pages, etc. I wonder if I didn't reply at all, if I would go down that hole? Or maybe just knowing my pattern, I could try to get myself extra busy if she contacts me again. Today I'll try to get busy.

[Puzzledpieces]

Yes angry is better in some ways. I wish it would stop crashing back into sad!
It's break up #4 over here. All created by him. All a bit different. But pretty much always a build up in his mind that I'm hiding some "truth" from him... ? and he doesn't like MY conduct, and he acts the victim of some crime I didn't commit, creates an explosive illogical scenario, then exits stage left! Then silence and due punishment for said uncommitted crimes... .
First time, I was so shocked! Accusations then silence for 3 weeks. Got back together. Second time, a text message that I was a liar, then silence for 3 months. I wrote so many letters, they went unanswered.  Third time, he took a little responsibility for his madness but still half blaming. Another 3 months of cold disconnect. Fourth time (now), as the accusations rose, I told him to leave, sent him a final message calling him out on it all, blocked his number.
I'm very well versed in BPD ST. But it never gets much easier, I need to get away now. I have no idea what he's said in response. I used to hang on to every response. I guess it's either a crazy hurtful thing, a neutral sorry thing, or silence. I have to remember none of them are worth unblocking the phone for
Unless they want to seek help for their issues, this cycle goes on and on. In the past I've received 'closure' from him, in the form of an OK verbal exchange, after a month or two. But even that hurts, as I well up with hope due to the compassion I feel in such an exchange. And I miss him and want to shake him, make him remember the love... .! Finally he does down the track, and so it goes... .But not this time. It's hard though.
Is this your first breakup with him?

I too suffered major ST through out. The first time was only about a month in, and they usually lasted a week. This last one has been the longest at 5 weeks for ST, which doesn't seem too bad compared to some but since it's been the longest I feel like it's the last. I saw him last at the end of April.  We haven't had any contact since June. I think he did the slow fade out and then just disappeared. The ST I have never experienced prior to meeting him, it affected me big time leaving me with anxiety and depression, weight loss and huge concern from those close to me regarding my well being
While I haven't blocked off all avenues of contact, I know I should because I feel that if he did reach out I would eventually respond even though I know I shouldn't. I don't expect him to reach out but it seems they sometimes do, when you're least expecting it.
Unfortunately for me, mine is someone I will have to see again come September.  I think that's one of the reasons why my anxiety is starting to act up again. I feel much healthier and in a better place when I know I don't have to see him at all.
I'm sorry you've had such a hard time as well, ST is so toxic and drives us to scary places emotionally and mentally. I've learned so much about myself from this experience, and still continue to do so. While it's always sad to hear people are experiencing the same kind of pain as you, it's comforting to know we aren't alone.

[Puzzledpieces]

Yes, I totally agree on the doing good for a while and then plunging back down. For me, it's been about seven weeks post-break up, and four weeks NC.

Here's what this last month has been like: I'm doing okay, and then she contacts me in some way. I reply briefly and go back to NC but go down the rabbit hole of checking her and my replacement's facebook pages, etc. I wonder if I didn't reply at all, if I would go down that hole? Or maybe just knowing my pattern, I could try to get myself extra busy if she contacts me again. Today I'll try to get busy.

It's almost like they can feel when you're feeling good and moving on, which is usually when they reach out. I search social media as well which is terrible, it really leaves you at a stand still for moving ahead in recovery.  The up and downs are hard aren't they? It'll be an amazing day when we can say that we are 100% happy again and we don't have the same emotions anymore with these situations.  Hugs to you!

[Mars22]

Yes, NC struggles - so very common for most of us here... .and me too.

I'm at 5 months and I still from time to time check her Instagram page to see what she's up too. Its my one weakness. I'm trying to figure where my willpower is regarding this behavior. What do expect to gain by doing this? I believe i do it to see what she's doing, if she's happy, in love again ... or just out in the world doing things differently then what we did together. It's all very unhealthy towards my healing, and sets me back each time but, oddly... I'm coming around to seeing that, it's takes lifetime for us to change who we are, to grow and evolve into better people. For some reason I'm expecting some major growth spurt on her part that suddenly, she's this perfect, changed woman again. When in reality -— NO. She is the very same women she was when I was with her. Masquerading as this sweet, gentle, lovable, kind and understanding soul.

When I think of breaking NC I realize this now:  When she sees me, the mirror image she sees back at her is this horrible, angry, insecure, jealous, resentful, confused child woman... I trigger ALL that is bad inside that she feels about herself. For those reasons alone, she physically perhaps cannot look me in the eyes [and never could keep eye contact with me actually] and see EXACTLY who I am. Because all she sees, and feels in our interaction [as always] is herself. She never FULLY knew me for who I was. Or tried to relate to me and my plight in life.

Why then do i believe she can *know me* now? I'll tell you why... because all of us here, us healthy people are all learning and growing and REALLY talking responsibility for what happened. We are empathetic and want to be better people. So, the urge to break NC derives from our projected feelings that — they too are bettering themselves too. And that, hopefully we'll evolve separately during this time apart, and then get together and reunite better, stronger more sympathetic people?  

I would say, that's my problem anyway. Believing in the false belief that she too is properly healing and focusing on what happened between us, almost as elaborately as i am.  — It's highly unlikely.

[Meili]

Let's not forget that NC is a gift that we give ourselves to stop the abuse. It should not be a punishment for them, or us. It is a choice that we make for our own protection.

That being said, I have not forgotten the painful roller coaster and struggle that comes with it. But, like most things we experience in life, you can use those feelings to your benefit. Each time you lean into the pain of NC and let it pass, you can be proud of yourself. If you're the type of person who benefits from rewarding yourself, then do that!

Going through it not only gives you the time and space needed to get out of the FOG, but it can also be used you help bolster your self-esteem (which was probably damaged by the r/s).

Also, remember that NC need not be permanent. When you are strong enough, you can reach out if that's what you want to do.

[Zinnia21]

Puzzledpieces, that's hard that you have to see him again due to circumstance. Any way you can get out of that?
Yes, I too have had patches of time where I lost weight and became unwell from the ST. As you say, don't want others to have bad experiences but it's nice to not be alone.

 I like what Meili said about NC. That it's a gift we give ourselves to stop the abuse. And that it need not be permanent if you want to reach out again. If you do decide to go full NC, I do think it feels a little bit better than if you're leaving the lines open and getting silence.

I sent one 'last' message expressing how he'd hurt me and what part of his behaviour was unacceptable. I didn't hold back, and I wrote it in an empowered way, not a victimised way. Then I blocked so as to have a say and not have to deal with a negative response or ST.

This was a good purging process which I would recommend. A way to claim something back. Usually they tell us why we are not good enough and then leave. This reversed some of that, plus I chose the silence. I feel it's my choice to break the silence too this way. Rather than all up to him.
None of it's easy, but just an idea if you want to try something new:)

If you've done 5 weeks, that's a big achievement. What ever type of silence we are in, chosen or inflicted, it's pretty damn hard. You must have some good willpower. Good job!

[Zinnia21]

I would say, that's my problem anyway. Believing in the false belief that she too is properly healing and focusing on what happened between us, almost as elaborately as i am.  — It's highly unlikely.

Mars22, I know what you mean. And I kept thinking he'd reflect on how loving I was and how happy we could be. I think in moments he did, but the ongoing need for self protection against his fears and delusions always puts me back at arms length again. If they let themselves think we are loving and that they pushed away a good r/s, it's too much for them, in which case we need to stay painted black in their mind.
It's painful, thinking you'll reach out and they will understand your point of view, but you're quite right. They are thinking different thoughts to us.

[Puzzledpieces]

Puzzledpieces, that's hard that you have to see him again due to circumstance. Any way you can get out of that?
Yes, I too have had patches of time where I lost weight and became unwell from the ST. As you say, don't want others to have bad experiences but it's nice to not be alone.

 I like what Meili said about NC. That it's a gift we give ourselves to stop the abuse. And that it need not be permanent if you want to reach out again. If you do decide to go full NC, I do think it feels a little bit better than if you're leaving the lines open and getting silence.

I sent one 'last' message expressing how he'd hurt me and what part of his behaviour was unacceptable. I didn't hold back, and I wrote it in an empowered way, not a victimised way. Then I blocked so as to have a say and not have to deal with a negative response or ST.

This was a good purging process which I would recommend. A way to claim something back. Usually they tell us why we are not good enough and then leave. This reversed some of that, plus I chose the silence. I feel it's my choice to break the silence too this way. Rather than all up to him.
None of it's easy, but just an idea if you want to try something new:)

If you've done 5 weeks, that's a big achievement. What ever type of silence we are in, chosen or inflicted, it's pretty damn hard. You must have some good willpower. Good job!

Thank you. I've had some good full weeks and some bad days in between of course, it's not easy, you're right it's probably easier to actually block all outlets and call it a day, because when  they're open lines it's a bit harder to accept that each day that goes by i KNOW he isn't reaching out. I have sent long texts in the past and emails regarding my feelings and they've ALL gone ignored so I won't waste my time again, especially now. But I think eventually I'll be strong enough to close the lines for good.
Unfortunately I can't get out of seeing him in the fall, unless I change my kids school, he will be at the same doors waiting with me because our 5 year olds go to school together.  I wish I could make a change in this without having to uproot my kid and do drastic things.  
I counted down the days of the end of school for summer and I am taking in these 2 months off knowing I don't have to face any anxiety for now.  But in already starting to feel it for September.
A big part of my shock in how he treated me was because of school, I was still someone he had to see daily when he tortured me with his BS and it blew my mind that he didn't find any of it awkward when he had to see me. He'd even park RIGHT beside me each time probably just to see me squirm.

[Zinnia21]

Same school, that sucks! I have a child too, but my BPD ex doesn't. I can't imagine having to do school drop off like that all the time!
Well... maybe now is a good time for total NC. It might refresh your outlook before you have to see him, you never know...
When I wrote my final message, it was different to others I've written in the past. I wrote as though I had nothing to lose, and that what I was saying was indisputable fact. It felt good! Do it as therapy at some point if you want to:)

It's hard to parent your child when you feel so down isn't it? I mean, you get by, but I've had some pretty grim moments trying to play with him and take him to the park and be happy, but I'm smiling through gritted teeth, aching heart, still trying to be a mum!
Yet another reason to detach... .!

[Puzzledpieces]

Same school, that sucks! I have a child too, but my BPD ex doesn't. I can't imagine having to do school drop off like that all the time!
Well... maybe now is a good time for total NC. It might refresh your outlook before you have to see him, you never know...
When I wrote my final message, it was different to others I've written in the past. I wrote as though I had nothing to lose, and that what I was saying was indisputable fact. It felt good! Do it as therapy at some point if you want to:)

It's hard to parent your child when you feel so down isn't it? I mean, you get by, but I've had some pretty grim moments trying to play with him and take him to the park and be happy, but I'm smiling through gritted teeth, aching heart, still trying to be a mum!
Yet another reason to detach... .!

I use to write in a journal everytime I felt the need to express myself and when I did some reading back i sound absolutely nuts. It's so weird how much you really feel in those moments and all the different emotions as well. Ya same school  sucks too Cuz my kiddos knows him and approaches him  (before school ended) which only made things more awkward. When I did have to see him before summer I put on some brave faces pretending I didn't care but then I'd spend so much time over analyzing it all and that was another part that drove me crazy. I hear you on the parenting... I felt bad at times Cuz I'd be in some really awful moods because of him and my family would be who I took it out on. Finding that fake happiness and putting on the "I'm ok" face is hard too but it's gotten easier.  I'm aiming to fully block by August first and have a good month before school starts to see if I can feel any more progress.
My ex BPD would never respond to my emails but he'd have no problem making me seem like a crazy person with issues. I hate that!

[Zinnia21]

Yes, I'm scared to read my journals about the r/s! So full of pain and emotion.

Complete NC is such a personal choice and can only be done when it's right for you. That being said, your plan to give yourself a month sounds really wise.
I just read this webpage today. We've all read about BPD by now, but some info helps with the NC, in those darker moments.

[Puzzledpieces]

Thanks! I have read that exact link before I think I've read everything u possibly can that pops up in my searches regarding BPD and npd.  Mine is a lovely mix between BPD and covert N.
I'm obsessed with researching though and spend a lot of time reading. I wonder if it keeps me from moving forward or if it's helping more than I think. It's always good to have all this knowledge and understanding.

I think another reason why I have been doing so well with NC is because I'm terrified of more silence.  I use to have those moments where I would open our text convo and stare at it and badly wanting to say something, I don't have those moments anymore thankfully, but I'm still feeling that emptiness and all the other crappy stuff that goes along with it from time to time.

A weird thing also for me is, because my ex is a single dad he would be at his job when school was out so his mom would do pick up and I got to know her really well, so well, that we exchanged numbers and have text back and forth a few times. She said she would contact me to get together over summer for a play date with the kids or we could just go for coffee, and she hasn't done that. While it's probably a good thing for me, I keep wondering why she hasn't.  If it was because of him or if he's said something that makes me look like an idiot I don't know. I'm starting to over analyze a lot again. I would normally just send off a text saying hi but the connection between her and her son has me wanting to avoid EVERYTHING.

[Zinnia21]

I think the reading helps. I do it when I start to miss him again. I get a little dose of reality! Like- yes it really is THAT bad! I'm quite a romantic... .get messed up over a song that reminds me of him. Also helps me to not take his behaviour so personally.

But as much as one can rationalise it all in writing, the actual heart ache and questioning dialogue in my head have a life of their own! It's hard to make true sense of it even with all the reading, as there is no sense to it! I guess it's only time that will help. And staying in NC to heal. But as you said at the start of this post, why won't it get better already!

All we can do is listen and support one another and have compassion for ourselves that we have survived this debacle... .somehow!

[kc sunshine]

I texted mine today (she had left a message last Sunday and then not replied to my answering text, so this was a follow up of sorts. Oh man, I'm still not very detached).

It was all okay, short and friendly exchanges but oh man the sadness the exchange left in its wake. I feel weepy and depressed.

[Puzzledpieces]

I texted mine today (she had left a message last Sunday and then not replied to my answering text, so this was a follow up of sorts. Oh man, I'm still not very detached).

It was all okay, short and friendly exchanges but oh man the sadness the exchange left in its wake. I feel weepy and depressed.

I'm sorry that's one of the things I'm afraid of, to feel that low feeling after an interaction.  Did she say what she wanted originally?
Hugs!

[kc sunshine]

Thanks puzzled! She wanted to see about getting together-- we set up a time for next Sunday. Hopefully I'll feel better by then.

[Zinnia21]

Wow kc sunshine, that's a brave move. How do you feel about that after NC?