Here for support

[FallBack!Monster]

Let me tell you about me. I am 40 something. Going to school to be a social worker. Have a son with down syndrome. He is 7 and he dont live with me. Im not the best writer or speller.

I been reading for 3+ weeks. My best friend send me to this website. I been reading and trying to chip in but i didnt find courage.

Was married for 20 years to a man who was boring and abusive. I Ieft him 6 years ago.  Ha few short term r/s then Met a nice gentleman. He is never physically or verbally abusive. But emotionally, very much so. He walks out on me a lot. Then comes backs hours, days, a week or 2 later like nothing happened. He is good with my son. I love him and i dont want to lose him again. When were good it is so nice. He left me once before. He said because he met me strong and i started acting needy.  He means i scream at him and call him a lot when he dont come home. We still see each other but he moved out 10 months ago. My friend says he sounds like he got BPD. He is 37 friends are a lot younger. NC with family only his little brother. I dont like him.  I hope i can get some help here.  Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Hey Done, I'm sorry that you're having to go through all of this. I know how hard it is to be in a situation like that.

There are many great tools on this forum and a lot of good advice to be found. Reading the threads of others and learning about BPD can ease a lot of the tension that comes with these types of relationships. There is also a lot of great advice to be found.

You mentioned that he sees you weaker now, do you think that you have changed?

[FallBack!Monster]

You mentioned that he sees you weaker now, do you think that you have changed?

I never bee in a situation like this one. My friend say im different.  Maybe different situations make behavior different. A lot of what im reading sound like him but i dont ljke that it does. His good ways feel hollow but real. He likes fo coom for me on tbe weekends. I see people here say theh like what you do for them. He hugs me all the time when we sleeping together, a d tight. I dont know what to think.

[Meili]

Yeah, even though there are many similarities, each person and situation is different and unique. BPD is a spectrum disorder so a person can fall on a different part of the spectrum from another person.

I hated thinking that my x fell within the spectrum. I denied it for a long time. I would hold onto any "box that she didn't check" as proof that it didn't apply to her. At some point, I decided that I'm not qualified to make that diagnosis. I can just accept her behaviors for what they are and when we talk, protect myself as much as possible.

I also have some sense of what you're saying about the feelings being hollow but real. What I have come to discover is that was only inside of me. My own insecurities would not allow me to accept her behaviors as real. It didn't help that the behaviors changed so often. I'm not saying that the insecurity part applies to you, I'm just telling you what I experienced. Ultimately, I came to understand that what a person does in the moment is true to that person at that time. It may not be true later, but at that moment it is. That helped me accept the inconsistencies.

[FallBack!Monster]

when we talk, protect myself as much as possible.

Can i ask from what?

[Meili]

From the things that she says that could be hurtful mainly. I also protect myself from getting sucked back in to the wishful thinking that happens after these relationships end.

[FallBack!Monster]

From the things that she says that could be hurtful mainly. I also protect myself from getting sucked back in to the wishful thinking that happens after these relationships end.

Wishful thinking? huh... .I'm confused. Me and him are still together. He moved but we still a couple. o should I say partners?

[Meili]

Wishful thinking about a lot of things. Like that my x would stop with the mind games. Or, that she stop the push/pull. There were many things that I hoped for that I try to stop.

[FallBack!Monster]

Wishful thinking about a lot of things. Like that my x would stop with the mind games. Or, that she stop the push/pull. There were many things that I hoped for that I try to stop.

Oh okay. I have a ot to learn here. I cant believe im in this position and how much the stories here match up with one another's. All the r/s stories here get me more mad and worried. They hurt my expectations more than belp me feel better. Sometimes i have to stop reading b/c it sounds like me and him. But i have strong genes and good people in my corner offering to help me prosper from this. If my man is getting ready to leave me for good, i would want to cry but i won't. He's selfish anyway. It says here the way he behaving he now stringing me along until he find a new replacement?  Wow! Or so he thinks!

[Meili]

When I first found these boards, I felt exactly as you described. I couldn't believe that I was in the position that I was in and I had so much to learn about all of it. Reading the stories of others hurt. It triggered so many painful memories. I wanted so many times to just cry and let the emotions out. But, I couldn't. The tears just wouldn't come. And, then, one day they did and everything changed for me.

Yes, being selfish is part of this. Watching them self-destruct is a horrible and painful experience. The emotions that I experienced ranged from love to anger. I wanted to both hold and comfort her, and to hurt her as much as I was hurting. Neither was healthy or a good plan for me.

By learning about what was going on within myself, I was better able to cope with all that comes with these types of relationships. It allowed me to find some neutrality in my feelings. I have been better able to handle everything as a result.

Yes, he may be stringing you along until he finds a replacement, but he can only do that if you allow it to happen. I'm not suggesting that you take any action other than protecting yourself. Establishing and enforcing the boundaries that keep you safe and make you happy with yourself.