How did you accept that they are not capeable of a relationship you would want

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am having a hard time doing this

[william3693]

I am having a hard time doing this

[JerryRG]

For me it's acceptance

My exgf is immature, I had to change, to grow up. She didn't want to or couldn't. I'm not ever going to regret what I've learned and gained or stand still for anyone again. Putting my life on hold so I can be as sick as my exgf isn't logical, practical or wise. We didn't grow apart, she just didn't want to face the truth, she can have her crazy self pity and drama. Life's too short and enjoyable for that garbage. If I want crazy drama I could watch soap operas and laugh.

Keep healing william3693

[Wood stock]

When it became so blantently obvious that he would deny and blame others for his own s***show of a life and never take full responsibility for his own life let alone OUR life... .I didn't understand it, I didn't like it, I didn't even feel sorry for him. I just knew there was no other way out except OUT. I recycled the relationship many times, gave chance after chance--None of that helped. In fact he got worse and just EXPECTED me to forever put up with the insanity--ALL WHILE HE DID NOTHING ABOUT THE ":)EMON" within himself.

[gotbushels]

I found that the more that I understood my role, then the more I understood that they were highly incapable of giving me what I wanted from a relationship. For me, part of that was learning that it's really okay to (genuinely) want things. The more you define the roles and the more you understand how your given pwBPD works, the more it may start to feel easier and faster to accept that you may not be able to get the relationship you want with this person. 

[FannyB]

By radically accepting that the best girlfriend in the world would be the worst partner ever.   It's totally paradoxical - but so reflective of what BPD is and means. Read all you can and the evidence will sink in eventually.

Can you accept that Usain Bolt (best sprinter ever) couldn't win a top class marathon race? Same thing with borderlines really - great over a short distance but can't go all the way without imploding.


Fanny

[enlighten me]

There are a number of things I did. Firstly I did the pros and cons. The cons far outweighed the pros.

I then looked at my exs behaviour and saw her for the selfish child she was. The whole world revolved around her and her needs. Even when she did things for others it was about her.  She is in love with being in love. She cant be out of a relationship but cant maintain one. She will never find true happiness because what she wants changes from one day to the next she has no stable sense of identity.

Finally I looked at me. Why did I keep getting involved with this type of person? What is it about me that keeps getting me sucked in.

My conclusion is that I dont like the person my ex is. Im too generous and trusting and I need to be more self focused rather than putting everyone else before me. Saying no to people isnt a bad thing. I am who I am and if I have to change for someone else then they are not the right person for me.

[heartandwhole]

Hi william3693,

I think by looking at your "proof." Looking at the reality of what you experienced with your partner that led to this question. I know it's not easy; we humans like to filter our perception of experiences to fit our needs and desires, but sometimes there comes a point when we really see what is going on. And, of course, it is easier to see patterns in someone else than ourselves.

When we accept that someone is exactly as they are, here, right now... .then we are free to let go knowing that we need and want something else for ourselves. Remember that this person is not the key to your happiness. YOU are.

What "proof" do you have that your ex isn't capable, william3639?

heartandwhole

[william3693]

Thank you for all your comments I am finding them very helpful.

Part of the proof is that I talked with her yesterday.
I asked if she hated me.She said no but that she no longer has feelings for me.
She said it is like a switch with her that she is either on or off.
When she came back she promised that she would not leave and that she would
work on the relationship.She said she had been in therapy and realized that I loved
her and that she should not have left.She said she was sorry for leaving.
I said it did not seem to bother that she left in that her mood seemed very good.
She said it did bother her.She said certain things I did were triggers for her.
She has insight in that she knows that she knows she has sabatoged all her relationships
that she has black and white thinking and has difficulty recognizing her feelings that she is very selfish
She admits that her behavior toward me in the last few weeks has been abusive or almost abusive.

 

[william3693]

She said that she promised that she would not leave me this time with no
explanation or communication  as she has done in the past.
She said she would talk with me but no more than about once a month.

She thinks that she can get better through insight.I said that may not be enough and
learning new skills might be helpful also.

The idea that she might be the best girlfriend in the world but worst partner was very helpful
as well as the comparison to usain bolt really hit home.

She said my triggers for her were "always wanting more" and "thinking that she was not being truthful"
at times.Eventually Any discussion of her not being truthful or  of me wanting sex other than when she wanted
it led to anger.She was not able to grasp the idea that I needed reassurance or more understanding in these
areas.It is sad to see she really has no understanding of empathy.

I have tons of proof that she is not capable of a healthy relationship but I still have a problem
intergrating it or accepting it at a gut level.

I think she has come quite a way in the last few years but that she is not capable of a healthy relationship
and probably never will be.

There is no middle ground with her it seems she has to be 100% in a relationship or 100% out

again your comments have been a great help to me.
  
 

[heartandwhole]

Wow. That is some very valuable information william3639, and it sounds like it could be the closure that so many here long for. Do you think? It also sounds very much like things I've heard from a friend who I suspect has BPD/traits. She described that switch going off for her very clearly when talking about close relationships. She also confirmed what many of us have experienced: we become the triggers for our partners' reliving of past trauma.

Your gf has handed you the reasons your relationship didn't and won't work on a platter: she can't regulate her emotions in a way that satisfies your needs (for stability, support, empathy, etc.) in an intimate relationship. It's very sad and doesn't stop us from loving our partners, does it?   The pwBPD I was involved with was working very hard in therapy and also extremely self-aware. It didn't stop me from becoming his trigger and the closer we got, the more he dysregulated.

Sometimes we have to choose ourselves and trust that we can grow and change, thus attracting someone who can meet us halfway. It's not easy, but it's really worth it.

heartandwhole