Trying to understand the cheating

[shatra]

I am trying to get an understanding here from people, as I could not get any understanding or insight from my ex... .I am upset and jealous about the cheating he had done.   
     I first found out about an on/off side connection he had, about 7 years into our relationship. He had always claimed fidelity for the first 7 years, and he denied any sexual connection to the person I found out about... .one month after that he suddenly put up dating profiles.  I checked it out---he had never put up profiles earlier in our relationship.  As soon as he put up the profiles, he started reaching out to me much more often and invinting me out more often.  Doesn't make sense---looking for someone else but pulling me in closer?

  My questions are:
1)  From a BPD view, why would he suddenly put up dating profiles for the first time, after I "caught" him cheating for the first time?

2) From  BPD view, why would he start actively pulling me in closer at the same time he put up dating profiles for the first time (and didn't tell me about the profiles)?

  Any insight about the timelines/motivations for these would help ease my mind and emotions, and put it in the past for me.  I am doing a lot for myself and staying active/working/socializing, etc. but would love some insight on these points
Thank you

[bunny4523]

Shatra,

I don't think any of us can really answer those questions for you, only he can.  It's not a BPD thing, it's an intimacy/lack of commitment issue.  But I will say this does it really matter what reason he has?  He does not value or desire a monogomous intimate relationship.  PERIOD... .it's nothing you did or can change. 

Bunny

[SoMadSoSad]

When you caught him maybe he felt you were gonna abandon him so he pulls you in closer to avoid that. At the same time he needs to have a replacement to avoid the pain of abandonment.

[rfriesen]

When you caught him maybe he felt you were gonna abandon him so he pulls you in closer to avoid that. At the same time he needs to have a replacement to avoid the pain of abandonment.

This is entirely consistent with how my ex behaved. I was initially the one who said I needed to step away from our relationship because of her rage and manipulative behaviour. From then on, she was simultaneously pulling me in (raging at me for abandoning, hysterical sobbing and breakdowns, piling on guilt ... .I don't hold any of this against her anymore, I only realise I should have been strong enough to know that the best thing for both of us would have been to hold firm on that initial break-up attempt) and looking for replacements. It cut me very deep when I realised she was hooking up with other guys even as she was pleading with me not to leave, telling me she could never go a day without me, etc. I was so invested in trying to get us to a happier place and so torn about whether to commit to her (in spite of all the problems we had) or to end it once and for all. I had no idea she was trying to find the right guy to replace me that whole time. Brutal wake-up.

I can't speak to your ex, of course, but I do think that in the case of my ex, with her intense fear (terror, really) of abandonment and of being alone, she was in a kind of permanent panic-mode. She was trying to hold onto me, but also making sure she had other options. Now that I have some distance from the situation (four months), I also feel compassion for her, and less anger. It still hurts a lot, and if I had to deal with it in front of me, I would never be able to feel compassion or take this more philosophical perspective. But from where I am now, I can see that she truly gets this sense of despair and hopeless dread at the thought of being alone, even for a few days. The way she deals with it is selfish and hurtful, but ... .ahh well, you all know this same story.

Long story short, it resonates with my experience that your ex might just feel a desperate need to make sure he'll have options so that he isn't alone.

As bunny points out, though, does it matter what his motivations are? I know I've spent too many hours trying to dissect my ex's motivations. It's a fool's game because there's no consistent base of motivation for her actions. She's impulsive, acts on her desperate urges of the moment, and then often has to deal with the consequences by hiding what she did or explaining it away ... .I think she even convinces herself sometimes that her motivations were not what they obviously appeared to be, and so she tries out new motivations and actions, ... .and goes round in frantic circles in her own mind. Trying to make sense of it all is a recipe for frustration and misery.

Try focusing on your own motivations. As hurt as we have been, our own mind's are happier places -- better to be able to reflect and work on ourselves than to be trapped in their frantic instability. Why do you still want to know what his motivations were? What would give you closure so that you no longer feel any need/desire to think it through? I'm trying to reflect on these kinds of questions when it comes to my own focus on my ex. It's not always easy, I know! I hope we both find peace of mind soon.

[shatra]

Bunny wrote--
I don't think any of us can really answer those questions for you, only he can.  It's not a BPD thing, it's an intimacy/lack of commitment issue.  

======Someone may be able to answer based on their experiences with pwBPD.  It actually is a BPD thing, as push-pull and cheating are more common among  pwBPD

But I will say this does it really matter what reason he has?  He does not value or desire a monogomous intimate relationship.  PERIOD... .it's nothing you did or can change.  

===It matters to me what reason he has.  He actually did value a monogamous relationship earlier on.  I'm not looking to change him, I'm looking for insight

[bunny4523]

Shatra,

I'm sorry Shatra, I re-read my post and it isn't very sympathetic.  The biggest thing with BPD is what they say the reason is one day isn't the same they will give you the next so it's really hard to get the answers to why they do what they do.  They also lie and believe their lies so that also makes it difficult.  The quickest way to heal from these things is to focus on how you were mistreated, hurt and to not put blame on yourself for any of it.  That's all I was trying to do is direct your need for insight into understanding yourself instead of focusing on him.  I didn't mean to imply you were trying to change him just not to blame yourself in any way.   

"===It matters to me what reason he has.  He actually did value a monogamous relationship earlier on."

Obviously the BPD fear of abandoment leads them to insecurities and irrational responses to regular relationship issues.  Who knows if he was faithful before you caught him... .  I noticed you've been on this site for awhile and have been experiencing the push/pull for years right? And whatever his reason... .just remember it's in his head and it's his problem, not yours.

Have you thought about whether there is a reason that he could have that would make you feel better about it?

Bunny

 

[jrharvey]

My questions are:
1)  From a BPD view, why would he suddenly put up dating profiles for the first time, after I "caught" him cheating for the first time?

2) From  BPD view, why would he start actively pulling me in closer at the same time he put up dating profiles for the first time (and didn't tell me about the profiles)?

Just my opinion and in no way really matters. Just my thought... .

2) Insecurity. I think people either cheat "because they can" and just are too bored with 1 person but I think MOST people cheat because of insecurity. Insecurity about being abandoned. Being left alone. Feeling like if you leave them they will have nobody. So instead of treating you right they do the worst thing. They try to start making a backup plan for the inevitable destruction of the relationship. They want to make sure they aren't hurt when things end. They wont cry or wont feel alone. How can they ever be alone if they ALWAYS have multiple options. It actually makes sense that he would pull you closer if its about insecurity. He is sharing himself and opening up and it makes him feel incredibly vulnerable and then the insecurity kicks in to the extreme and he has to have that backup plan. Unless your on a ball and chain or he is your master then I doubt he will ever really be able to feel secure enough.

Don't try to understand cheating like this.

[hashtag_loyal]

When you caught him maybe he felt you were gonna abandon him so he pulls you in closer to avoid that. At the same time he needs to have a replacement to avoid the pain of abandonment.

This is entirely consistent with how my ex behaved. I was initially the one who said I needed to step away from our relationship because of her rage and manipulative behaviour. From then on, she was simultaneously pulling me in (raging at me for abandoning, hysterical sobbing and breakdowns, piling on guilt ... .I don't hold any of this against her anymore, I only realise I should have been strong enough to know that the best thing for both of us would have been to hold firm on that initial break-up attempt) and looking for replacements. It cut me very deep when I realised she was hooking up with other guys even as she was pleading with me not to leave, telling me she could never go a day without me, etc. I was so invested in trying to get us to a happier place and so torn about whether to commit to her (in spite of all the problems we had) or to end it once and for all. I had no idea she was trying to find the right guy to replace me that whole time. Brutal wake-up.

I can't speak to your ex, of course, but I do think that in the case of my ex, with her intense fear (terror, really) of abandonment and of being alone, she was in a kind of permanent panic-mode. She was trying to hold onto me, but also making sure she had other options. Now that I have some distance from the situation (four months), I also feel compassion for her, and less anger. It still hurts a lot, and if I had to deal with it in front of me, I would never be able to feel compassion or take this more philosophical perspective. But from where I am now, I can see that she truly gets this sense of despair and hopeless dread at the thought of being alone, even for a few days. The way she deals with it is selfish and hurtful, but ... .ahh well, you all know this same story.

Long story short, it resonates with my experience that your ex might just feel a desperate need to make sure he'll have options so that he isn't alone.

Rfriesen and SoMadSoSad  make some very good points that I would like to endorse as well. This matches my experience, and seems to be an all-too-common BPD experience.

[bunny4523]

When you caught him maybe he felt you were gonna abandon him so he pulls you in closer to avoid that. At the same time he needs to have a replacement to avoid the pain of abandonment.

This is entirely consistent with how my ex behaved. I was initially the one who said I needed to step away from our relationship because of her rage and manipulative behaviour. From then on, she was simultaneously pulling me in (raging at me for abandoning, hysterical sobbing and breakdowns, piling on guilt ... .I don't hold any of this against her anymore, I only realise I should have been strong enough to know that the best thing for both of us would have been to hold firm on that initial break-up attempt) and looking for replacements. It cut me very deep when I realised she was hooking up with other guys even as she was pleading with me not to leave, telling me she could never go a day without me, etc. I was so invested in trying to get us to a happier place and so torn about whether to commit to her (in spite of all the problems we had) or to end it once and for all. I had no idea she was trying to find the right guy to replace me that whole time. Brutal wake-up.

I can't speak to your ex, of course, but I do think that in the case of my ex, with her intense fear (terror, really) of abandonment and of being alone, she was in a kind of permanent panic-mode. She was trying to hold onto me, but also making sure she had other options. Now that I have some distance from the situation (four months), I also feel compassion for her, and less anger. It still hurts a lot, and if I had to deal with it in front of me, I would never be able to feel compassion or take this more philosophical perspective. But from where I am now, I can see that she truly gets this sense of despair and hopeless dread at the thought of being alone, even for a few days. The way she deals with it is selfish and hurtful, but ... .ahh well, you all know this same story.

Long story short, it resonates with my experience that your ex might just feel a desperate need to make sure he'll have options so that he isn't alone.

Rfriesen and SoMadSoSad  make some very good points that I would like to endorse as well. This matches my experience, and seems to be an all-too-common BPD experience.

It's interesting because it isn't just about their feeling of abandonment and to have a backup person in case we leave... .because they devalue us too... .why? to ease the guilt?  Who knows but it definatley is self motivated for their own internal gain.   

[hashtag_loyal]

It's interesting because it isn't just about their feeling of abandonment and to have a backup person in case we leave... .because they devalue us too... .why? to ease the guilt?  Who knows but it definatley is self motivated for their own internal gain.   

Yes, the fear of abandonment and "monkey-branching" are some of the most universal reasons for BPD cheating, but every pwBPD is different, and can cheat for other reasons as well.

For my ex, cheating wasn't a specific activity, it was a way of life. And I think a big part of her self-image.

She was also downright selfish and sadistic about it too. As I got closer to her, some things I noticed:
- She was tremendously proud of herself for seducing married men
- She had no female friends, because she would always try to get their boyfriends to sleep with her
- She took pleasure in seeing how much she could get away with under my nose. For instance, she would frequently talk about her male friends, and about this or that in their lives, and only later I would find out she was sleeping with them. Some of these guys she even introduced to me as potential business partners! All with a straight face! Also, I chose my username on here because one time she sent me a screenshot of texts from her ex (who she was cheating on me with) with her responses deleted so it looked like she was ignoring him, and the caption, "Why I need a new phone number! #loyal."
- Of course she took pleasure in seeing how big and grandiose of a lie she could construct and still get people to believe.
- She also started working as an outright prostitute. Having sex with complete strangers from Backpage, frequently without a condom, and of course lying about all of it. Honestly, I think she took great pleasure in breaking every possible rule, and in defiling herself in any way possible.

I also think she "acts out" sexually in order to upset her current "boyfriend" (i.e. replacement father-figure) and get him to beat her. Her parents used to beat her as a kid, and I think she feels "normal" only when she's been bad and gets beaten for it.

I do not envy her therapist.

That's a lot of detail, but yeah, to your point, whatever the reason, they act the way they do because they are selfish and it is what they want to do. Your feelings are either irrelevant or fair game.

[shatra]

Thank you for the replies.
Bunny wrote---
Who knows if he was faithful before you caught him... .  I noticed you've been on this site for awhile and have been experiencing the push/pull for years right? And whatever his reason... .just remember it's in his head and it's his problem, not yours.
Have you thought about whether there is a reason that he could have that would make you feel better about it?

---He always said the pushpull was because he was busy with work and family... .yet he was friends with his current "friend" all along, so I feel suspicious.  Re:what reason could help me feel better, if he would say "I loved you and I have BPD that's what made me do it---I was afraid since you found out about my friend you would eventually leave, so I put up dating profiles"  I guess that would explain it.  The part about him pulling me closer and being more attentive  as soon as he put up the dating profile is still baffling though.

Hashtag loyal, from the lies and crimes your ex committed, it sounds like antisocial personality as well as BPD! Is that possible for her?

[hurting300]

Honestly, most of the time people cheat because they have low self esteem. Seriously.

[pjstock42]

shatra,

Almost the same exact thing happened with my BPD ex gf despite the relationship being much shorter. Only about 2 weeks before her sudden discard of me, I had seen the okcupid app on her phone and confronted her about it. She tried to say that she had this fake profile that she used just to entertain herself, what a terrible excuse but I believed her because I was an idiot. After this, she was super loving/sweet all the way up until about an hour before she moved out of our apartment when I was at work and notified me through a text message.

From research, it looks like this was simply her setting up her next source of supply as she already had her covert plan to abandon me put in place and knew it was coming. I was under such a spell that I just couldn't imagine her cheating or never being with me, I believed all of the kindness and all of the "I love you's". Pretty hurtful to think about now.

[gotbushels]

Honestly, most of the time people cheat because they have low self esteem. Seriously.

Comorbidity with Major Depressive was significantly high compared to the set of remaining Axis I disorders at 27% and 37% for men and women respectively. (link)

[gotbushels]

Regarding possible motivations, you can consider that it's generally a mix of intolerance of both enmeshment and abandonment. If it helps you to understand, you can look at it as a form of large-scale splitting--where the subject is the existence of the relationship itself.

1)  From a BPD view, why would he suddenly put up dating profiles for the first time, after I "caught" him cheating for the first time?

• DSM5 Criteria#1 Fear of abandonment → being "caught" = substantial direct evidence and very difficult to "hide" (i.e., how can he lie his way out of that?) → pwBPD is at perceived greater risk of loss / termination of the relationship → incentive for pwBPD to take greater steps to find a new relationship.

2) From  BPD view, why would he start actively pulling me in closer at the same time he put up dating profiles for the first time (and didn't tell me about the profiles)?

• DSM5 Criteria#1 Fear of abandonment → smaller gaps between relationships mean less time he's alone (or "doesn't exist" → if he actively pulls you in "closer" the gap between relationships is minimised.
• DSM5 Criteria#1 Fear of abandonment → he didn't tell you because then you're less likely to terminate the relationship before he is ready to jump to the next monkey bar, i.e., again, the gap between relationships is minimised.

Please note I've used the manual as you want to see the BPD link--I'm not a doctor.


shatra please note there's a quote button on the upper-right area at each person's post, that will save you having to cut and paste. You can press that and crop-in the specific section you want from there 

[shatra]

Thank you for the replies.  Rfriesein wrote "Why do you still want to know what his motivations were? What would give you closure so that you no longer feel any need/desire to think it through?"

----I guess I want to know his motivations because his action are so oppoisite what most people's would have been and what would have been logical... .if most people felt the need to look for others through a dating website, they would either tell me, or they would distance themselves from me but he did the opposite he pulled me in closer as soon as he put up the profiles, so I felt confused... .your 2nd question what woul dgive me closure on this aspect of the relationship?  well, to hear that it is possible that when he said he loved me it was true despite him looking for a new person, and for me to understand why he would pull me closer when he was on his way to the exit and looking for others.

[hashtag_loyal]

Hashtag loyal, from the lies and crimes your ex committed, it sounds like antisocial personality as well as BPD! Is that possible for her?

That's entirely possible. She is so severely disordered, she certainly has traits of a variety of disorders.

I am certain she is co-morbid with Dissociative Identity Disorder, and once I understood that disorder, my exes' bizarre and destructive behavior fully made sense to me.

I finally was able to get her into Mental Health (following a suicide attempt, and two weeks before we broke up for good), and the in-take personnel privately told me there were "many layers" to her mental illness. I feel like it's best to leave it at that, and I don't try to get hung up over a specific diagnosis.

[shatra]

Pjstock wrote---

From research, it looks like this was simply her setting up her next source of supply as she already had her covert plan to abandon me put in place and knew it was coming. I was under such a spell that I just couldn't imagine her cheating or never being with me, I believed all of the kindness and all of the "I love you's". Pretty hurtful to think about now.
[/quote]

---True,it makes sense from a BPD view to fear being alone so they line up the next one in advance. In my case the only trigger for this was me finding out about him being with someone else and him denying it----even though I didn't leave him over it, I guess in his mind it was enough to make him assume Iw would leave him,... .was there a trigger in your case that made her leave?

[hashtag_loyal]

After thinking about it more, I don't think Anti-social Personality Disorder describes my ex as well as BPD and DID. My ex was very emotional all the time. And she wasn't always as cold as I described. Frequently she was very warm, and demonstrated genuine compassion and empathy. She would often be greatly affected by the thought of suffering in other people or animals at times... .

... .And at other times, she would be cold or downright sadistic.

I don't think that my ex is incapable of feelings, just that she's incredible at dissociation.

[pjstock42]

shatra,

It's hard for me to pinpoint if there was a specific trigger in her planning her discard but if there was I think it boils down to more of a sociopathic action rather than some kind of fear of abandonment. There were never, to my knowledge, any things that were said that would make her think that I was going to leave her but also, I don't know how her brain works so maybe there was something that accomplished this without me ever knowing about it.

The biggest reason that my ex left was because I was simply no longer a convenient resource for her. I moved out to the middle of nowhere and jointly signed a year long lease with her because I wanted to be supportive and help her kick off her career transition. A month in, she got a job somewhere else and took it then no longer wanted to live out here because it was inconvenient for her so she planned her discard to move somewhere closer to her new office. This to me is more of a sociopathic trait because it revolves around being able to brutally screw someone over without any remorse about their feelings or thought into how this would mess up their life. I'm sure that there are narcissistic / BPD traits involved in this as well but at the end of the day it really seems to me like it was her sociopathy that allowed her to think that doing this was an acceptable way to treat another human being, especially one that you claim to love so much.

[shatra]

Gotbushels wrote---

1)  From a BPD view, why would he suddenly put up dating profiles for the first time, after I "caught" him cheating for the first time?

• DSM5 Criteria#1 Fear of abandonment → being "caught" = substantial direct evidence and very difficult to "hide" (i.e., how can he lie his way out of that?) → pwBPD is at perceived greater risk of loss / termination of the relationship → incentive for pwBPD to take greater steps to find a new relationship.

---Thank you now I understand the motive ---I 'caught' him cheating---but even though he denied it and I told him I believed him, somwone with BPD would assume this still meant I was going to leave at some point?   I really hadn't wanted to leave yet, but I guess being caught, to him equals, the partner is going to leave?

2) From  BPD view, why would he start actively pulling me in closer at the same time he put up dating profiles for the first time (and didn't tell me about the profiles)?

• DSM5 Criteria#1 Fear of abandonment → smaller gaps between relationships mean less time he's alone (or "doesn't exist" → if he actively pulls you in "closer" the gap between relationships is minimised.
• DSM5 Criteria#1 Fear of abandonment → he didn't tell you because then you're less likely to terminate the relationship before he is ready to jump to the next monkey bar, i.e., again, the gap between relationships is minimised.

---Again, a good explanation... .he would want to line someone else up before ending our relationship so he's not alone----what I am still stuck on is that he and I were going out 1 time a week before that... .after the "cheating",  he started to ask me out 3 times a week while putting up the profile... .I don't get it---if he knew he was leaving why not just keep me once a week and look for others? The trigger actually made him pull me closer?


shatra please note there's a quote button on the upper-right area at each person's post, that will save you having to cut and paste. You can press that and crop-in the specific section you want from there 
[/quote]   ---Thank you for the info

[schwing]

Hi Shatra,

----I guess I want to know his motivations because his action are so oppoisite what most people's would have been and what would have been logical... .if most people felt the need to look for others through a dating website, they would either tell me, or they would distance themselves from me but he did the opposite he pulled me in closer as soon as he put up the profiles, so I felt confused... .

Would it be helpful to understand that his motivations were conflicted?

I think he loved you and/or wanted to love you.  But unfortunately the feeling of intimacy and closeness that he wanted (on the one hand) was *also* triggering his disordered fear of abandonment.  That is, at the same time that he wanted to be closer to you, he was also being overwhelmed with the disorder fear that you would inexplicably leave him.

And so when people with BPD become overwhelmed by this irrational fear that they will be abandoned, they can do many things to cope with it.  Cheating might be one way (there are other behaviors to avoid/abate these disordered feelings).  If they cheat, they would be "avoiding abandonment" by being the one who abandons first.

your 2nd question what woul dgive me closure on this aspect of the relationship?  well, to hear that it is possible that when he said he loved me it was true despite him looking for a new person, and for me to understand why he would pull me closer when he was on his way to the exit and looking for others.

Once the disordered fear of abandonment abates, then he would no longer be conflicted about being with you. *Or* he cannot abandon you until he finds a relatively permanent replacement, so while he is looking for someone else to be his primary attachment, he needs to pull you in to insure that you do not leave/abandon him *before* he can fully leave/abandon you.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[married21years]

When you caught him maybe he felt you were gonna abandon him so he pulls you in closer to avoid that. At the same time he needs to have a replacement to avoid the pain of abandonment.

what he said

he needs a flow of emotional support, this well must not run dry so hedging his bets.

will paint you white if you are all he has or black if he has a new victim

sorry 

[gotbushels]

Shatra, some general advice to consider--if I may.

Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), "borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor".  To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it.  

Know when to be comfortable without drifting too far from the facts of the issue.

What all this means in the context of problem solving and regarding your search for the "whys", is that you'll generally be holding the mantle for figuring it out. Hence, this means you have to know what you can rely on and what you can't. Hence, it follows that you are able to validate your own thoughts on the "best" reason. Only then will you gain greater comfort that you are making the "right" decisions for yourself, and if necessary, for the relationship.

Taken further, if you do not take this "accountability", then, in effect, you put the pwBPD in the driver's seat. He can say whatever he wants and it's enough to overcome your mental "grip" on what's real. This was very important in my relationship as my pwBPD had a huge lying / inconsistency issue.

With that in mind, let's continue  

(... .) I really hadn't wanted to leave yet, but I guess being caught, to him equals, the partner is going to leave?

I don't know. Feelings tend to create facts depending on where and when with the BP. Their reasoning and reasons can also change depending on their feelings.

(... .) if he knew he was leaving why not just keep me once a week and look for others? The trigger actually made him pull me closer?

Well, yes.

If he puts more effort into the relationship, you're simply less likely to leave. Recall that you caught him cheating. All things being equal, in most relationships, that's a signal for the "cheatee" to leave. More control for him until he grabs the next bar more securely.

[shatra]

Schwing wrote --- He cannot abandon you until he finds a relatively permanent replacement, so while he is looking for someone else to be his primary attachment, he needs to pull you in to insure that you do not leave/abandon him *before* he can fully leave/abandon you.

---Good analysis. I am still stunned how litttle logic and sense this makes----to me, if I got caught cheating, denied it and partner accept s this, I would not assume partner is going to leave... .and if I were to plan to leave and start looking elsewhere I would spend less time with him, not pull him in for more time... .but your explanation fits BPD thank u

gotbushels wrote---Feelings create facts for them... .

----So, even though I knew I wasn't planning to leave him when he denied the cheating, he felt fearful since he got "caught" and denied it.  And  his feeling of fear and assuming I'd leave would make him look elsewhere to avoid me leaving first would "make sense" to a BPD... .even if I wouldn't act that way.

Gotbushels wrote---If he puts more effort into the relationship, you're simply less likely to leave. Recall that you caught him cheating. All things being equal, in most relationships, that's a signal for the "cheatee" to leave. More control for him until he grabs the next bar more securely.

----Makes "BPD sense" if not common sense... .if it were me and I got caught cheating and denied it. but I felt the partner is leaving and I'm looking for a new person, I would spend less time with the partner, not more... .but your explanation makes BPD sense--thank you!

[gotbushels]

(... .) And  his feeling of fear and assuming I'd leave would make him look elsewhere to avoid me leaving first would "make sense" to a BPD... .even if I wouldn't act that way.

I think this is a very strong yes. It's also a good example that his feelings are his and yours are yours. Separate things, that also interact.

(... .) Makes "BPD sense" if not common sense... .if it were me and I got caught cheating and denied it. but I felt the partner is leaving and I'm looking for a new person, I would spend less time with the partner, not more... .but your explanation makes BPD sense--thank you!

You're welcome. With caution, I think your thoughts are "spot on". Good exercising of acknowledging very separate thoughts and distinct reasoning of his and yours. That's a clear separation of your part and his part (self-inquiry action). Nice job.